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Ok Maybe I Shouldn’t Break Up With Her

11 Jul

So, my shrink thinks that this whole self-harm, depression thing is my way of punishing myself.

I don’t talk a lot about Nadav here. In fact, I don’t talk a lot about Nadav at all. But I think about him constantly. And there’s one feeling that keeps on popping up that I try to push away but it refuses to go away: guilt.

Whenever I replay those 48 hours in my head, I don’t think about what was done, I think about what I could have done differently.

Mind you – the logical side of my brain knows I did all that I could at the time. But that doesn’t keep me from dwelling on how things could have played out had I done x, y, or z differently. If only I had googled this, or insisted on that – maybe there would have been a different outcome.

And it’s these thoughts that lead me to punish myself for what happened.

This is what tortures me every day. Today I finally told my shrink about it.

She pointed out something that kind of blew my mind. She suggested that perhaps my constant replays are my way of trying to regain control over a situation in which I had none. And the irony is that I give myself the illusion of control, at the expense of my mental health.

She said that anything I could have done differently would have been at the expense of myself. That when it comes to Nadav (and me having a baby in general), I let one cancel out the other.

She went on to say that perhaps I need to start working on two things:

The first is coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have control over the resolution to all of this.

The second is letting myself live in a world where I don’t get cancelled out to make room for a baby.

I think she’s right. Now it’s just a question of how the hell I pull off these impossible feats.

PS – thank you all for your awesome prompts! I will be taking them on, and bringing back Group Therapy Thursdays next week. Look out for the launch post in the next few days.

Here’s a LOL as a token of my appreciation:

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11 Responses to “Ok Maybe I Shouldn’t Break Up With Her”

  1. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) July 11, 2012 at 21:52 #

    Um, well yes self-harm is a way to have some control over one’s life. Been there and not that long ago.

  2. Jenn July 11, 2012 at 22:04 #

    It’s been over two years since I went into early labor and lost my twins,I still blame myself even though deep down I know there is nothing I could’ve done. I’ve had two more losses since then, but for some reason I don’t feel as much guilt with those, maybe because they were both earlier and one was ectopic. Please excuse any spelling issues I’m on vacation and on a tablet.

  3. pjsarecomfyn July 12, 2012 at 00:53 #

    yes please work on these two tasks. I want you to be happy and mentally healthy! there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently but I COMPLETELY understand how all the self-doubt and replaying is hard to get out of your mind. we are women after all. oh how I wish our brains had a shut-off button…..I am sure our husbands do too, so if we ever get one we will need to hide it well 🙂

  4. Amy July 12, 2012 at 01:31 #

    Holy hell. I had a very similar conversation with my therapist a few months ago. She pointed out that the common response in grief is guilt amd second guessing, because our minds want and expect us to be able to co trip something over which we HAD no control.

    Then – and some will think this is weird – I saw an astrologist to read my chart and help me make sense of our IF and baby loss journey. She pointed out that my chart indicates heavy control issues from a past life, something I’m supposed to be working on in this life. Hen she said, “All the work you’ve been doing to try and conceive all these years, think about that: pregnancy is an inherent lack of control, right? So by trying to control that which achieved when you let go of control, it’s possible you could be blocking the natural flow of things.” It *totally* made sense to me. I mean, I haven’t been able to conceive on my own to save my life, and my RE has only been able to achieve one (disastrous) pregnancy in 8 cycles of trying.

    And as far as what I could have done differently in he days leading up to the loss of my twins…if I had realized I was having preterm labor the night before my water broke, or if I had insisted on being taken seriously as a high risk patient by the HMO, it’s still unlikely the outcome would have changed…maybe it would have happened differently, but in my case, it was pretty doomed.

    Still, I’ll probably have a preventative cerclage next time in case IC really was partly to blame (there’s speculation), and I’ll keep taking the probiotics I started after my loss to try to keep infection at bay (that is definitely part of my loss story)…and I’ll continue to seek help getting pregnant, recognizing that all must be aligned b/c to a certain extent, neither I or my DH – or the medical professionals – ultimately control me gettin pregnant again or carrying to term. We can only do the footwork.

    Big hugs, honey (and sorry for the long ass comment!).

  5. lrm1102 July 12, 2012 at 02:25 #

    I am right there with you on the guilt! Although my dr assures me there is nothing I could have done, I still hate myself for being so stressed the week prior to our loss. I wonder if all the stress made my little boy so active that he got himself caught up in the cord. I am told I am crazy for thinking this as other women go through a lot more stress than I was going through and are ok. And I know I was stressed at certain times with my first pregnancy but still, I can not help but think otherwise.

    My dr urged me strongly to seek out a therapist. I had decided not to before my appt this past Monday but seeing how much yours is helping, I am wondering if I should re-consider. I just do not know.

    Wishing you the best! I am so glad that your therapist is helping you & hope that she continues to help you move forward.

  6. Theresa July 12, 2012 at 02:37 #

    I cannot think of anything coherent to say that would be helpful, but I wanted to reply anyway. That whole situation just sucks.

  7. @ErinMarshall71 July 12, 2012 at 02:59 #

    She sounds like a really smart lady.
    If you break up with her, I will miss all the advice from her that I get vicariously through your sessions with her. Although, I supposed I would just start getting vicarious advice from your new shrink…
    And because I brought it up, I feel I must admit that I do have a therapist of my own and I am not relying on someone else’s therapy to help me cope – I just appreciate hearing what other people’s therapists are suggesting to them and analyzing how that may or may not apply to my own circumstances.

  8. jjiraffe July 12, 2012 at 09:15 #

    I think she sounds like someone who is making a lot of sense. Maybe you should keep her around…

  9. D July 12, 2012 at 13:47 #

    The whole control thing was such a great observation by your therapist and something I can totally relate to. One of the most frustrating things about IF and loss is that we basically have no control (or very little at best) over what has happened or is happening. I am curious and intrigued about your Therapy Thursday and will be back to find out more about it!

  10. Lise July 12, 2012 at 17:40 #

    Oh control…the only thing in my life (or that’s what I tell myself) that I’m not in control of is this. And it sucks. My guilt about my losses has made me dislike and distrust my body so much that I can’t quite recognize the old me anymore…I need to start working on it.

  11. Emily @ablanket2keep July 16, 2012 at 20:11 #

    Smart woman. Control is a very hard thing to let go of. Maybe you should keep her around. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation on what you need out of a relationship and you did, maybe it worked.

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