7 Jun

First of all, thank you everyone for your amazing comments on yesterday’s post. Sharing your vices, giving support, and reminding me that I’m worthy of having some hope. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

So here’s what happened after I hit “publish”:

I had a complete meltdown.

As in – I hadn’t had one this bad since about a week after we lost Nadav.

As in – panic attack, destructive thoughts, hysterical crying – the whole pile of crapnuggets.

I tried calling Shmerson and he wasn’t answering his phone. I knew I shouldn’t be alone. So I called my mom and she came over and we had a talk.

Amazingly enough – she really helped me get my head straight again. She’s not usually this good with crises but somehow she pulled it off. Yay mom!

After reading all of your comments, a lot of talking, and yes, a bit of smoking, here is all of the good that came out of yesterday (in list form, of course):

1. Douchenozzle is now officially my favorite word ever. Seriously. I just thought I’d put that out there.

2. I’m changing therapists. I love my shrink, and I’ve been with her for four years. But the fact that I still go to these destructive places, and the fact that I constantly have to “explain” pregnancy loss and infertility to her means she’s just not what I need right now.

I’ve seen what wonders a therapist specializing in IF has done for Cristy, and I really think I need someone now who understands what this feels like. So this Monday will probably be my last session. After four years, it’s time to move on.

3. I’m signing up for the accelerated Art Therapy program. One thing I didn’t share with you guys be cause I was very much in ZOMG THE DRAMA – land yesterday, is that when I met with the head of the program, she also said: Apply first, make decisions later.

So I bit the bullet and did my online application last night. Then I emailed her to tell her about it and she was THRILLED. She knows that things are still up in the air, and that’s ok with her and with me. What’s the worst that can happen? I get accepted to the program and can’t do it, and I start the next year with the regular program. That’s really not the end of the world.

This also means I’m going back to school in July! There are a bunch of pre-requisites that I have to take before the program can officially accept me, and I’m going to do them all in the summer (or as many as I can fit in anyway).

Here’s the crazy thing: Just this little act of filling out an online application has done WONDERS! Usually, when I try falling asleep, or just shutting my eyes for a few minutes of rest, my mind wanders to fantasies that usually include a baby in my arms. Today, my mind went to ideas for a thesis. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is.

3. I am officially stopping the delusion that I can pull off quitting smoking cold turkey. Instead, I’m going to start by gradually cutting down. A bunch of you said in the comments – and you’re right – that one step at a time is the right thing. So yeah – I’m taking the long road for once on this.

4. I bought a new dress today. And I dyed my hair purple. And I ate some sushi.

5. The major takeaway from all of this is that in my hurry I kind of let go of some of the things that I learned from losing Nadav. I put on horse blinders and that was wrong.

I forgot that putting my life on hold – for any reason – does only harm.

I forgot that when it comes to infertility, no amount of speculation and planning will help the outcome, and sometimes, that planning can come back and bite you in the ass in the form of disappointment.

So when it comes to my life – I’m better off moving forward without letting the “what if”s get in the way of my “right now”s.

6. Hee hee. Douchenozzle. I seriously don’t know where I got it, but I love it. Oh! Turns out it actually has a definition! And now of course I must create a douchenozzle cat. I mean, really, how can I not? I owe it to the world.

Here you go, world:

You’re welcome.

28 Responses to “Aftermath”

  1. cw June 7, 2012 at 02:35 #

    oh man I am so happy to read this post – literally filled with joy. massive yeah to the art therapy course and pictures puhleeze of the purple do. xx

  2. SRB June 7, 2012 at 02:36 #

    Mo, I’m proud of you. Fur everything. Ashtrays.

    • SRB June 7, 2012 at 02:38 #

      *FOR everything. ALWAYS.

      OMFG!!! Best/worst autocorrects EVAH!

      • missohkay June 7, 2012 at 22:23 #

        Wow, that really WAS the most appropriate accidental auto-correct I’ve ever seen! 😀

        • SRB June 8, 2012 at 02:19 #

          I was HORRIFIED. And I laughed and laughed and laughed. That one was ART. POETRY. I officially retire from commenting, henceforth!

  3. Amy June 7, 2012 at 02:48 #

    Sigh. Thank you for making me laugh on a day when I feel weepy. 🙂

    Ok…I think sending your application in was hugely brave and right and you go, girl!! I love the director’s words – apply first and then decide – because, yes! It’s way too easy to put our lives on hold through infertility, and then babyloss just makes it easier/worse. I’m trying to figure out how to live, too.

    I also love that you’re going to switch therapists. That sounds like a good move. I tell you what, the circle of care I find myself enveloped in right now, as a result of doing what feels right and allowing those relationships and referrals to unfold, is nothing like what I would have imagained…me, totally doing alternative therapies, like, WTF? But it feels right, and that’s all that matters to me right now…if it helps, do it!


  4. Pussy Parent June 7, 2012 at 02:54 #

    Quitting smoking was one of the hardest things I have ever done before. I couldn’t even imagine quitting right now after all you’ve been through lately. Be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I’m a meltdown veteran and I stay up late if you want to email. Hugs.

  5. l June 7, 2012 at 03:02 #

    I am 68. I walked PCOS and infertility back before there was internet AI was the Biggest Thing ever. It was not easy. And yes, I walked the miscarriage road too. Not fun. I tell you not for sympathy but to give experience to my word.
    1. Going for the Art Therapy is the best thing to do now. Keep active and move your life forward.
    2. Put a note up that you will see every morning: Today is my only today, I can appreciate and celebrate it…. or not if I so choose.
    3. Remember that in 2012 years of Catholic experience the church has learned EAT, SLEEP, RECREATE. That means eat regular meals at regular times, sleep regular hours in a regular place, and every day stop and glory in the day and laugh. I will not discuss what the church and Pope have failed to learn, nor will I agree with man created religions… but this particular advice IS wise.
    4. We always grieve our dead: parents, siblings, loving partners, children and unborn babies. At my age I still grieve my lost babies, but with less angst and awareness that I still have life and love in my world.
    5. You make a huge difference in the lives of so many people, you are hope and caring and compassion and laughter and tears and grief and fears which are also part of the human existence. But above all: YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT ALONE
    …… and we need this knowledge and you.
    Lovingly, a stranger

  6. Kristin June 7, 2012 at 03:23 #

    Yay for douchenozzle, new dresses, purple hair, new therapists, and applications! Go Mo…I’m so proud of you.

  7. Kate @ Infertile First Mom June 7, 2012 at 03:39 #

    I love Douchenozzle Kitten! And I love your newfound initiative even more… What an inspiration you are!

  8. queenelizabethi June 7, 2012 at 03:46 #

    My husband coined the term “douchetornado” and when there is someone within earshot who he would like to identify as such, he’ll nod at me and say “DT.”

  9. Jenn June 7, 2012 at 03:58 #

    Love that you colored your hair and bought a new dress. I love going out for sushi. I think it’s awesome that you are signing up for the art program. I’m sorry you had a meltdown, but I’m glad your mom was able to come by.

  10. Daryl June 7, 2012 at 04:08 #

    What a fantastic turn-around. I love that you’re moving forward. Plans can always change. And purple hair has to make a girl feel a little better about herself, right?

  11. starfishkittydreams June 7, 2012 at 05:40 #

    You are amazing Mo! They say grief doesn’t ever go away, rather it come in waves. It sounds like you were strong enough to ride this one out. In my experience when you are experiencing one, it can feel like that is all there is in the world.

  12. Stinkybum June 7, 2012 at 08:11 #

    Sounds like the meltdown was way overdue. I’m not seeing that as a bad thing (although I’m sure its an absolute laugh riot to go through. Much). Stormclouds on the horizon and then it all blows over. For now. Such is the fun of grief and all its associated chums. (you’re going to make such an awesome Art Therapist)

    Douchenozzlekitteh looks like one of my fave kittehs in the world with that wonky sticky out tooth. Loved the definition, god bless urban dictionary. I did have thoughts along definition #4 (who unleashed inner stinkyfeminist today??) and that makes it ok – masculinising the feminine of the insult?

    Glad the mindpictures opened to give you a new image – the thesis. Its so all-consuming, this loss/infertility path, that it always feels so momentous when something else takes precedent or we find a new place of ‘yay’

  13. alexmmr June 7, 2012 at 09:34 #

    Douchenozzle has been one of my favorite words for years! There’s something about how “nozzle” just kind of twists on the tongue and in the nose to make it really bring home how insulting the word is.

    Tips for quitting smoking (because it was my vice too) – Don’t make any rules like waiting 2 hours between smokes. That just sets up the cigarette to be a reward and you don’t want that. Instead, pay attention to, and enjoy every single drag. Make it the only thing you’re doing in that moment. Enjoy the flame hitting the tip, the first draw, the exhale. Have a seat and look at the cigarette and really enjoy it. Think about every sensation each drag is bringing you and pay attention to it as you do it. Relish every moment.

    What’s going to happen is that soon, you’re going to get really bored with it. After half a smoke, you’ll realize you’re not enjoying it anymore so you’ll put it out. Then it will be 3 drags and you’re done. The smell will start to bug you, the time it takes will annoy you, and you’ll just be sick of the whole process. And if that doesn’t happen, well, at least you really enjoyed your time while you move on to a different quitting/cutting down method!

    On another note, I’m glad you’re not putting your life on hold waiting to get pregnant again. Pregnancy will likely give you a reprieve in mourning, but it won’t cure it. I’m going to give birth to my girls any day now, and yesterday I spent an hour or so sobbing over the girls I lost a year and a half ago. My intellectual self is kicking my emotional selfs ass because it just makes no sense to be mourning what I’m about to have in my arms any minute. And yet….

  14. Mina @ Fertility Doll June 7, 2012 at 13:24 #

    Totally with you on giving up a shrink who doesn’t quite get your pain. I loved the one I saw but I felt she was projecting her experiences of IF onto me and it wasn’t what I needed at the time. Your new energy has helped me get out of bed and head for the shower. Thank you 😉 x

  15. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) June 7, 2012 at 15:18 #

    I’m so glad that your mom was able to help you through this crisis. Smoking, though a bad habit, as you probably already know works on the dopamine receptors in the brain. You can’t quit cold turkey without having withdrawal from hell. I wish you the best in tapering off the cigarette habit.

  16. pjsarecomfyn June 7, 2012 at 16:44 #

    I am totally like shooting guns into the air and yelling “woohoo” happy that you decided to go ahead and apply for the accelerated program. And that the act of doing that gave you something hopeful to focus on. It is hard to say what the future will bring, but you have to grab the bull by the horns and just ride it out… you didn’t say anything about masturbation? You need to do more of that 🙂

  17. jak June 7, 2012 at 17:50 #

    git sum (more education)!! way to go with your application!!!! there are great things for you to do out there…

  18. missohkay June 7, 2012 at 22:29 #

    Glad you were able to get through the crisis and find some great things to focus on in the future. Like one-upping yourself on the word douchenozzle. It’s funny, but I bet you can come up with an even better one 😉

  19. Nisha T. June 8, 2012 at 16:51 #

    I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

  20. Emily @ablanket2keep June 8, 2012 at 22:31 #

    YAY for Mom helping, dying your hair and buying a new dress! And, Congrats on going back to school! I think your decision to change therapists is a good one. I hope you find one that understands.

  21. Her Royal Fabulousness June 9, 2012 at 13:58 #

    Congrats on sending in your application! I also wanted to say having the right therapist is KEY. I absolutely adore mine and don’t know how I would cope without her. Good luck on the hunt!

  22. conceptionchronicles June 10, 2012 at 17:49 #

    I have been lurking around your blog for a while. You have such strenghth to keep on going. Congratz on making a positive move to enhance your future instead of living in the daily “hum-drum”. I too have been on the miscarriage road, and the IVF road – I understand your pain, and envy how you are going on with your life. You are an inspiration!

  23. Cristy June 10, 2012 at 21:28 #

    YAY for sending in the application!!! I’m so fricking proud of you! And I believe that nothing but good things will come from that decision.

    I’m also proud of you for taking those first steps to take care of yourself. Nicotine is one hell of a monkey and I’ve never met another who truly goes cold turkey (usually they substitue with something else). And finding a therapist who understands loss and infertility can make such a difference. Both are hard first steps, though, so you should be proud of taking them.

    Posts pictures soon of the dress and hair. And may these first steps to change bring nothing but hope and good news!

  24. Libbylogic June 10, 2012 at 22:10 #

    Good for you! Life must march on!

  25. marwil June 11, 2012 at 12:19 #

    So much going on, good for you sending in that application! And I agree, change things one step at a time and be kind to yourself on the way.

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