How a 34-Day Cycle Almost Broke My Brain – In Three Acts

9 May

Before I begin, a little announcement: A few of you have asked what happened to Rachel at e*g*g*s**i*n**a**r*o*w. Well, she’s moved over to new digs and you can find those new digs right here.

Now, on to our regularly scheduled blog post. In three acts. Because I feel like it.

ACT I – Eggs of Steel! (Shyeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt)

So yeah, I was about here last week. Absolutely sure that there was no way in heck I was knocked up, yet completely hoping that I was, somehow, magically preggo. Oh, and I got precisely ZERO positive OPK’s this month. I initially dismissed it, since we weren’t actually trying this month so it “wasn’t important”, and I figured I just missed the surge or something. But remember this – it becomes important later.

Anywhoozers, I was going nuts. So two days before AF was due, I used up one of my two (!) remaining Rolls Royce pee sticks. Guess what? Only one line. So my pee was only semi-magic, since it didn’t make the coveted second line appear.

ACT II – Pee-Stick-O-Rama

I didn’t let that one BFN stop me! Oh no! Granted, I wasn’t going to waste my one remaining Rolls Royce, but I had a nice little stock of OPK’s,  and they are almost as good, according to the best website on the planet. So, for three days, every morning (ok, and a couple of times in the afternoon) I peed. And peed. And peed some more. Alas, no second line. Although once I thought I did see a hint of something, so I decided to pee on a real HPT (the one that came free with the OPK’s), and alas, my pee was half-magic again. Fail.

Apart from the obsessive peeing, my uterus started hurting. Not literally, but I was finding myself telling Shmerson about once (or maybe twice. Ok, three times. Four. I swear it was only four times) a day: “I can haz baby now?”

Shmerson didn’t really know how to react to that. I don’t blame him. Poor Shmerson and his crazy wife.

Act III: The Unraveling

So CD 33 rolls around. I still wouldn’t use my Rolls Royce, but I was going a little crazy.  Before my pregnancy with Nadav my cycle was like clockwork. 30 days. Ovulation on CD 18. Always.

But before my first pregnancy, my PCOS was in full form. AF would show up (at best) once every 4-5 months or so.

So on CD 33 I started panicking. What if my cycle is screwy again? What if I can’t ovulate on my own any more? What if we need fertility treatments on top of everything else we have to go through?

My head was spinning. To make matters worse, I had an appointment with my GP that morning to get a few routine blood tests done, and I had to tell her about what happened with Nadav. She knows my whole history. She cried with me when I told her.

Not a good start to my day.

Of course, I couldn’t let it go and bought yet ANOTHER HPT at the pharmacy, and of course – one single solitary line again.

I was starting to freak out. That’s it. We’re done for. We’re going to have to do injectables. Or IVF. Or something. Or my eggs have started to suck. I’m screwed. I’m officially screwed.

After that little adventure I had a class to teach. But not before crying just a little bit in the bathroom. That was fun.

After my class I was obsessively checking my three (yes, three) cycle-tracking apps, trying to make sense of what was going on. I was in the parking lot when I decided I would just bite the bullet and call the Russian.

But wait! Why call when he’s exactly a one-minute drive away from where I teach?

So yeah, I decided to go to his office instead. Without an appointment.

His secretary was gracious and snuck me in for a couple of minutes. He gave me his usual exasperated look as I recounted the fact that AF was late and that I hadn’t had a positive OPK this month.

Through rolling eyes he told me to calm down, and gave me a prescription to jump-start AF, but told me not to fill it until it was 10 days late, and only after a negative HPT.

Armed with the script, I walk out of his office, not feeling much better. What if it’s another ectopic and that’s why I keep getting BFNs? What the hell is wrong with my freaking body?

A couple of hours later I had a shrink appointment. I spent most of it ranting about my late period. And about how tired I am of all of this and how I just want it all behind me.

At the end of the session she asked: And where are YOU in all of this?

My answer: Who knows? I haven’t been me in two years.

So I leave the Shrink’s office hysterical, and I go to pick Shmerson up from the train station. By the time I get there I’m a blubbering mess.

He asks what’s wrong. I answer something like:




Poor Shmerson.

He drives us home and orders a pizza while I try to pull myself together and cancel a meeting I had the next day, because seriously, I don’t go into meetings puffy-eyed.

I take a shower, take one of my 10-pound-hammer happy pills and go to bed.


The next morning, 8am, CD 34, AF shows up.

Turns out I have some crappy-ass PMS.

Breathe, regroup, apologize to my poor abused husband, and do this all again at the end of this month.

Hopefully with a little less crazy.

Dude – if this is how I am when I’m just cycling, how in the heck am I going to survive six months of bed rest?

21 Responses to “How a 34-Day Cycle Almost Broke My Brain – In Three Acts”

  1. jjiraffe May 9, 2012 at 02:08 #

    OMG: hysterical post. Things I will NEVER not love: that drama kitten and you. I’m sorry for the 34 day cycle and the attendant stress and POASes though…

  2. Christina May 9, 2012 at 02:45 #

    You’re my new source of lol cats, etc. While I’d rather you have fully magic pee, I’m glad the show finally got on the roll as they say. And now your set to ovulate on cd18, on my birthday. Hopefully, you’ll make a baby as my present 🙂

  3. SRB May 9, 2012 at 03:09 #

    Only SEMI-magic pee? Someday, science people will find a legitimate science-y use for your pee. OR! You could probably make a lot of money on the internet peeing on stuff. I know how much you like it. I’m just saying…

    TEH DRAMA! I died. I actually died, and then I was laughing so hard that I came back to life.

    Sorry about your shitty cycle, dude. I feel you. You know why 6 months of bed rest is going to be awesome? Because I am moving in! NO!!! No arguments. It’s happening.

  4. Lala May 9, 2012 at 03:56 #

    I know this was scary traumatic for you, but my goodness, that was a hilarious read! (I’m laughing NEAR you, not at you!!)

    I’m glad your period finally showed, but I’m so sorry it jerked you around so hard.

  5. Courtney May 9, 2012 at 04:19 #

    “because seriously, I don’t go into meetings puffy-eyed.” Words to live by! I love it!

    It’s amazing how we do this to ourselves, month after freaking month. That is one of the perks of IVF – no wondering if you’re pregnant or not from month to month because you know that the RE has taken control of your body and it’s technically impossible.

    I hope next month is better! Did you get to the bottom of never getting a positive OPK test?

  6. Cristy May 9, 2012 at 04:43 #

    Lady, you’ve earned so many hugs. I’m so sorry that AF decided to dick with you. Not fair.

    If it makes you feel better, I wet myself just a little when I saw the title of ACT II. Now I need to figure out how I’m going to get home with moist underwear.

  7. cw May 9, 2012 at 04:45 #

    All I kept thinking was that you could write a whole new blog that was all about how Shmerson deals with Mo crazy moods fall of solutions to the craziness.

    Totally normal I mean who likes a 34 day cycle when you know it should be 28. It’s just mind games.

    Personally would have liked to see a table at the end of pee stick brands and times used. But hey that is just my analytical mind at work. xxxx

  8. Daryl May 9, 2012 at 06:20 #

    Oh dear. And I thought my 26 day cycle was bad (it’s normally 23-24). But if it makes you feel any better, only you can make the craziness so freakin’ funny!

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep May 9, 2012 at 06:49 #

    I hate it when AF does that!!!! It totally messes with your mind.
    You have such a way with words. You make the suckiest of situations funny.

  10. Mina @ Fertility Doll May 9, 2012 at 10:20 #

    I hate 33 day cycles – they haz screwed meh head too many timez! You’d think I’d learn to not be obsessive and leave it a couple of weeks before testing but nuuuu I just torture myself by playing ‘Shall I test? Shall I not test? Maybe in 2 days. Oh Screw it.. I’ll just test. Maybe this test is broken. I’ll test again.’

  11. marwil May 9, 2012 at 12:31 #

    It messed with my mind last time around as well. Didn’t matter that we indeed have a medical issue that hasn’t got me pregnant naturally the last few years. Oh the drama. It will be a fun summer.. or not 😉

  12. teejay May 9, 2012 at 15:57 #

    The best thing to do when faced with a body that is not cooperating? Find humor in the situation. You have done that brilliantly! I’m sorry that your head got all crazy with your longer than usual cycle. I had that happen in the past. Got myself totally worked up and peed on countless tests and then yelled at those tests for not producing the result I wanted. Good times. I hope your cycle gets back to normal or at least close to normal so that you get back to your “regular” kind of crazy. 🙂 And I LOVE the cats!

  13. daysofserenity May 9, 2012 at 16:23 #

    You are sooo funny! I love your blog!!!

  14. someday-soon May 9, 2012 at 16:36 #

    PMS Sucks! I only know why I’ve been 100% crazy after the fact…super helpful.

  15. Ari from your childhood May 9, 2012 at 18:23 #

    You are a riot. I’m sorry it’s driving you crazy but you do a hell of a job making it funny for the rest of us. I hope next month is better.

  16. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) May 9, 2012 at 20:19 #

    Wait, I thought that was a normal reaction for any gal trying to conceive. Does this mean I’m loopy? Nope. Mo, its okay. I think my husband has several heads because I keep chewing them off each month.

  17. flowergirl May 9, 2012 at 21:36 #

    Oh how we can laugh after the event! I spent Saturday night crying because AF has decided to act differently – why oh why, we have enough to deal with without AF going wonky on us! Anyway, for me they’ve done some tests which should come back normal which means my body has started having hormonal hiccups. Really. Enough already. Just want to get to the opportunity of trying again!
    But I got to buy me a nice present to make me feel better – this month a lovely scented candle.

  18. tchrgrl05 May 9, 2012 at 21:40 #

    Love your writing! I just found your blog via Pussy Palace. Um, totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m on CD 39, normal 32 day cycles, 3 negative HPTs (the cheapie ones because sometimes I can convince myself those are wrong unlike the expensive ones). I’m definitely following your blog. Sorry AF is such a bitch.

  19. Heather May 10, 2012 at 19:25 #

    Dearest Mo, it’s ok to go a little crazy 🙂 And you write so well about it. I really hope next month goes better for you.


  1. Thank You For The Blog Posts: Part One | Too Many Fish to Fry - May 18, 2012

    […] Odyssey: Mo’s sense of humor is on full display, here, in this post about how her 34 day cycle nearly broke her brain. I laughed […]

  2. I’m Going Slightly (Pee-Stick) Mad « Mommy Odyssey - June 11, 2012

    […] You all know what happened last month. […]

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