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Stuff Infertiles Shouldn’t Watch: The Maury Show

25 Apr

So this blog has been a bit too heavy for my tastes lately, so I decided to resurrect one of my old favorites: “Stuff Infertiles Shouldn’t Watch!

For any veteran readers, you know that along with my love of quality programming like Dr. Who (reboot series of course) and How I Met Your Mother, I like to torture myself with trash TV on a fairly regular basis.

One particular instrument of torture has been a staple in the realm of “Mo TV” for over a decade.

The Maury Show.

Yep.

But not just any episode of the long-running trashy talk show. Oh no. I only watch the DNA test shows.

For those of you lucky enough to have never watched this show, let me break down an episode for you:

Maury brings out a guest. She is usually an upset “Baby Momma” who is going to prove that so-and-so is her baby daddy. Or said baby momma cheated on her boyfriend/partner/husband/fiancee/cousin with his roommate/cousin/best friend/brother and now she’s not sure who the baby daddy is.

After interviewing the woman, who is either bawling or livid, we cut to a taped segment, where the alleged baby daddy (or ABD) is “156% sure” that he’s not the baby daddy.

Said ABD stays backstage, with a live feed of him on the main stage on a giant video screen, and he shakes his head vigorously as the baby momma lays down her accusations/apologies. Usually at this point the baby momma gets really mad and runs at the video screen, yelling at the ABD, while forgetting that THIS IS NOT A TWO WAY SCREEN.

Sometimes the baby’s (or if we’re really lucky, babies) picture is put up alongside the ABD’s, and the baby momma points out facial traits that the baby and the ABD have in common, while the ABD counters that the baby’s “toes are too short” or their “hair is too curly” so there’s no way in heck he could be the father. In fact, he is now 237% sure that he is not the father, and Baby Momma is a slut.

This goes on for a good four or five minutes until the ABD (or sometimes ABDs) is brought on stage and some screaming starts, then Maury cuts off the proceedings. Like the splash title at the bottom of the screen says – The results are in!

The results are always delivered in Maury’s calm authoritative voice:

“When it comes to x-year-old crazyname mcbabypants, ABD, you ARE the father!”

Or, more often than you think:

“When it comes to x-year-old crazyname mcbabypants, ABD – you are NOT the father!”

Then there is more screaming (and surprisingly enough, push-ups on a fairly regular basis).

Aaaaand we cut to commercials.

This happens 5-6 times on every show.

And OMG, this stuff is like crack to me.

Let me enlighten you with some lessons I have learned from watching Maury deliver the news over the years:

1. Women are appallingly ignorant about their cycles. I mean, I know not every woman knows when she ovulates down to the minute like us infertiles do, but seriously, it’s insane. I can’t count the amount of times that 2-3 men have been brought on stage for the same baby, only to find out that NONE of them are actually the father. Do these women not know when they menstruate? Well it’s either that or they’re truly sluts. But I don’t like slut-shaming, so I’ll stick to “they don’t know how their cycles work.”

2. Apparently, Maury answers to several alternative names. Yep! Maury will answer to Murray, Mary, Murry, and once, I believe – Marvin. He doesn’t seem to mind because he’s cool like that.

3. Some parents are sadists when it comes to naming their babies. Some of my personal favorites have included: Veto (does this mean his mother is hoping for him to be the president someday? Either that or she doesn’t know how to spell. Or a sad, unfortunate combination of both), Karion (pronounced “carry-on”, which makes me wonder if he was conceived as part of a mile-high club gathering), and finally – twin girls Semage and Menage (seriously do these people not have the ability to do a google search? And picture this: the twins are now 18. A pervy guy introduces himself and finds out one of them is named Menage. You do the math).

4. The audience doesn’t really pay attention to the stories on the stage. Maury’s audience LOVES to participate, in the form of Oooooohs, Awwwwws, and Boooooos. However, they don’t always do it at the right moments. Sometimes the ABD is a good guy, who really really wants crazyname mcbabypants to be his. But the audience boos him anyway just because they’re so used to booing ABD’s, they can’t seem to help themselves. This leads to some blissfully awkward moments.

5. There is apparently an endless supply of women who don’t know who the father of their children is, and are willing to go on TV to find out. An average of 5 women per show, an average of 3 DNA shows per week, over something like 12 years. I’m not even going to attempt the math, my head is exploding.

6. People are stoopid. There was a woman on the show who had triplets, and the ABD actually said he was only the father of one of them. True story. Ok, actually it turns out that one time in 2008 they had a woman on the show with twins from two different dads. So a correction – these people are mostly stupid, but sometimes freaks of nature. 

7. People don’t understand the concept of “100%”. I am 481% sure of that.

8. I am a masochist. Do I really need to explain why?

I leave you with these prime examples of human intelligence:

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30 Responses to “Stuff Infertiles Shouldn’t Watch: The Maury Show”

  1. Jenn April 25, 2012 at 00:55 #

    I like to torture myself with those Maury episodes also. I just don’t understand how some of those women bring in so many guys to test because they have no clue who is the father. I remember one who had like 12 guys tested and still didn’t find the father.

    • Courtney April 25, 2012 at 04:14 #

      I saw that one! As I was reading your comment, I was remembering that episode where no one was the father. Good stuff!

  2. aprilvak April 25, 2012 at 01:04 #

    Paternity tests are not nearly as much fun when they’re not televised. Then again, the truth does tend to come out when there’s a deputy pounding on your door with a court order.

  3. slcurwin April 25, 2012 at 01:35 #

    I’m all about #6!!!!!!

    And I can’t judge your inner sadist, we all have one, and they often go from an innie to an outtie.

  4. Jonelle April 25, 2012 at 01:44 #

    I don’t watch those shows, but I was tempted to watch Toddlers and Tiaras a while back when you posted about that show.

    I miss when Maury wasn’t part of the trashy daytime talk shows, and I miss when Ricki Lake was on. She did the trashy daytime talk show better.

  5. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) April 25, 2012 at 02:05 #

    I have to say that I’ve never actually watched an episode except for what you just posted. I can see that it could become addictive to watch. Oh and yes those women are either really stupid about their cycles or just plain slutty in my book.

  6. Lala April 25, 2012 at 02:48 #

    Ohhh, me too. I hate myself so much for watching, but when I am home sick, I tend to watch. I am really really pissed off that these women and men are having so much casual unprotected sex – and get pregnant that easily. Seriously. Have buckets of sex with 100s of partners if that floats your boat, but use some contraception for frog’s sake if you don’t WANT those poor babies…and you just know that they’ll grow up and be doing the same damn thing as their dumbazz parents as soon as the hormones hit because they sure won’t learn basic life skills or even self respect from them. (ooooh, I’m so judgey!)

  7. Christina April 25, 2012 at 02:56 #

    Most of the population is pretty ignorant of how conception actually happens. Exhibit A) The husband who believed his wife when she told him she got pregnant from a 3D porno movie. They were both white and the baby was a bit more of the chocolate persuasion.

    Plus, most of the women on that show are pretty slutty as it is usually just down to a few guys, but it should really only be to prove to 1 guy that he is…

  8. Daryl April 25, 2012 at 02:56 #

    The only time I see Maury is when it happens to be on when I walk into someone’s home for work. It always seems to be the baby daddy shows, and I can’t. look. away. Haven’t seen those two gems before, though. Fertile people should be required to take some kind of test before being allowed to procreate.

  9. SRB April 25, 2012 at 03:06 #

    First of all, there is 3D porn?!? What the what?

    This cracked me up. I haven’t seen Maury in a looooooooong time. I’m glad he’s still keeping it real.

  10. Shelley April 25, 2012 at 03:10 #

    THANK YOU so much for the laughs DH and I needed tonight. 🙂

  11. cw April 25, 2012 at 03:17 #

    That last family is so attractive. Do you know why they made infertile’s? Because we are all too good looking. They had to balance out the uglies with the gorgeous people. I know, I know it is just our cross to bear. Is that even the right spelling. I mean why would you cross a bear and if it was bare, why is the cross naked. I don’t know. Maury has confused me.

  12. missohkay April 25, 2012 at 04:09 #

    Hehe. I used to have a job that required waiting around during conferences in case something went wrong, so I watched a lot of these episodes. I always preferred Montel over Maury because Montel forced his audience and guests to be respectful, ya know? Maury just couldn’t control anybody. (Oh that’s the draw of the show? I guess I missed the point.)

  13. Courtney April 25, 2012 at 04:11 #

    Ha, ha, ha, ha! If I see one of those types of shows on, I always watch them too and I always finish it wondering why I watched it in the first place!

    This had me laughing out loud! I am 267% sure that this is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read!

  14. Kristin April 25, 2012 at 04:29 #

    I graduated from high school with a class of 77. One of the 77 went on to have the honor of appearing on Maury for a paternity episode. It was pretty awesome. Also, I once read a memoir of several OBs. One of them recalled a women that named her child Meconium when she heard it while in Labor & Delivery. Equally awesome.

  15. Devon (@dmb07) April 25, 2012 at 05:34 #

    It’s funny how the first episode I pictured while reading your blog is the FIRST video you posted! That one is my favorite!

  16. jjiraffe April 25, 2012 at 08:45 #

    That is some depressing s¢&!. And, HIMYM does not belong in this company 🙂 It’s high art, I tell you. High art!!

    Have you seen “Girls” on HBO?

  17. EmHart April 25, 2012 at 12:21 #

    It is good to wake up to a good laugh! Thank you. There is a new show in the UK called ‘Take Me Out’. It is our guilty pleasure.

  18. bloggingreluctantly April 25, 2012 at 13:05 #

    simply the best description of the most entertaining and tragic show on TV. I can’t ever turn the channel when I come across it!!!! 🙂

  19. St. Elsewhere April 25, 2012 at 13:34 #

    Whoa….what what whaaaat?

    Thank God that I have never heard of or watched this show ever…people are stoopid.

    And #6…the woman super-ovulated and thanks to her great s#x life, had sex with two different men…hence she got pregnant, delivered two kids and they are not twins. Medical mystery solved….

    Crazy world!

  20. Detour April 25, 2012 at 13:34 #

    This post is hilarious, Mo. I will be sure to watch a paternity test episode next time I can. I love the photo of the last family–classic!

  21. TeeJay April 25, 2012 at 15:09 #

    I’ve watched a couple of these shows and I sometimes think the people just want to get on TV so they make things up about not knowing who the dad is. It’s crazy, really. And yes, it’s very addictive to watch the freak shows put their sex lives out there like that. I’d be humiliated if I didn’t know who the father of my child was…just sayin’.

  22. RelaxedNoMore April 25, 2012 at 22:04 #

    I’m 333% sure that you’re description of a typical Maury “who’s the dad show” made me laugh much more than the real thing. It used to air on late-night cable over here, and whenever I came across it I couldn’t get my eyes of the screen in a mixture of disbelieve, being frozen with faszination, and being horrified. I was sitting there alternately shaking my head and laughing.

  23. Jamie April 25, 2012 at 22:09 #

    This made me laugh my ass off – especially #2! So true!!!

  24. Kristen G. April 26, 2012 at 02:45 #

    OK first of all, push ups? Why?
    And what is wrong with these people that they want this stuff on TV?
    And that last clip actually made me sad…poor guy.
    I could get sooooo sucked in to watching these shows…I think my husband might leave me though. So I will have to live vicariously through you. 🙂

  25. Emily @ablanket2keep April 26, 2012 at 03:22 #

    LOL! I’ve seen those episodes. I used to watch maury all the time. I finally got to a point where I couldn’t stand the stupidity anymore.

  26. Ari from your childhood April 26, 2012 at 06:45 #

    OMG you crack me up!

  27. jak April 26, 2012 at 18:03 #

    bhahahaha, karion and veto?!

    i had 3 guy friends in college who went on a talk show (geraldo i think. the one that used to have lots of fights break out?). the first two friends were supposedly in a gay relationship and one of the first 2 cheated on their partner with the 3rd friend. it was totally made up. they were straight and none of them was ever in a relationship with any of the others. one of the three friends was interested in acting had a talent agent who hooked him up with the show. i’m hoping that’s what happened with these “talented” people here… hoping really hard.

  28. rachelfatoorachi April 27, 2012 at 16:13 #

    OMG this post made me CRACK UP!!! Sometimes I watch Dr. Phil or Hoarders just to make myself feel better that I’m not THAT messed up. So we all have our guilty tv pleasures.

    BTW….uhhh yeah Karion??? “Carrion (from the Latin “caro”, meaning “meat”) refers to the carcass of a dead animal.” WTF is wrong with people?!!??! Why would someone name their child that!?!? People are way stupid. Hurts my brain. 😀

  29. TheStorkWhisperer May 6, 2012 at 21:59 #

    LOL @ crazyname mcbabypants!

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