Wherein I Feel Like a Broken Record

21 Apr

So have you guys ever had this happen to you?

I want to stop thinking about being pregnant. I want to stop wanting to be pregnant. But I just can’t turn it off.

I’ve been keeping busy, working hard, doing things that are supposed to be fun. But it keeps creeping in. I can’t control it.

Today marks two months since we lost Nadav. Time has both flown by and dragged on. It’s the strangest feeling. I miss him, I mourn him. But a part of me feels like there are things about losing him that I have yet to process. Just the decision to try again has brought up a bunch of new feelings. I’m pretty sure that getting pregnant again will bring more to the surface.

This week I made an appointment for a second opinion. Ever since then I’ve been terrified of finding out that the Russian made a mistake. I know that’s probably not going to happen, but it’s been haunting me.

I HAVE to trust him. If I don’t, I’ll spend the next pregnancy even more terrified. I can’t do that. I have to feel like I’m in good hands. He brought us further than any other doctor has. I don’t want to switch doctors. He has a stake in this. He knows me. I have to continue to trust him.

Even though the Russian didn’t give me a magic solution, I’m kind of hoping that Dr. Second Opinion will give me the same information. It would just make things so much easier.

In the meantime, I’m in a constant battle to keep myself distracted, but the insatiable need to get all of this behind me keeps me from moving forward completely. I know I have (hopefully, please) 6 months of being in bed ahead of me. 9 months (please please please) of worry and anxiety.

Like I wrote to Court in an email a few minutes ago, I know I have this incredibly long and hard road ahead of me, and I just want to get on with it already.

Don’t know if that’s healthy, but that’s just where I am.

In other news, I dyed my hair pink.

And yes, I love it.

16 Responses to “Wherein I Feel Like a Broken Record”

  1. Esperanza April 21, 2012 at 01:08 #

    I totally understand where you coming from, at least about the broken record. I can only imagine how strong that feeling would be if I had lost a baby so late in a pregnancy. It must be deafening.

    I think it’s a good idea you’re getting a second opinion. And while you have a lot at stake and obviously want to hear a certain thing, I hope you can go with an open mind and heart, ready to hear whatever you need to hear. It might not be exactly what you want, but hopefully it will be what is best for you and your future children.

    Sending love, now and always.

  2. Cristy April 21, 2012 at 01:37 #

    Damn, I love the hair. Very you.

    I’m in a similar space. I feel like I’m constantly circling back to the same questions regarding loss and moving forward. I ask these questions because it’s very important for me to feel sure about moving forward. I can’t go through all of this again only to learn that I missed something that could have lead to a different outcome. The guilt would kill me. Besides, I’m sure the Russian would encourage you to get that second opinion (most of the good ones do) and if they come back with similar suggestions than you know you’re moving forward with the standard of care. If not, then you have some things to consider.

    At any rate, don’t beat yourself up too much. You’ve been through enough, more than most ever have to live through. So take the moments as they come and if it gets to be too much, you have this space and all of us to help you through. Love and hope.

  3. Erin April 21, 2012 at 03:24 #

    Who could possibly blame you for getting a second opinion? The notion of going through what you’ve just gone through, again, is terrifying, so I think you’re just doing your due diligence. If the second doctor agrees, you can stick with the Russian and no one need be the wiser. Loving the hair!!

  4. AlexMMR April 21, 2012 at 05:02 #

    I considered changing doctors after losing my girls. Not so much because I didn’t trust his opinion, but rather because I was afraid his face would be a constant emotional trigger.

    I’ve found that with this pregnancy, he has a personal vendetta against the forces that took those girls. It’s his mission to rewrite history with this second chance. I like having a doctor that’s as motivated to make this happen as I am.

  5. Kate @ Infertile First Mom April 21, 2012 at 05:33 #

    I think it makes perfect sense for you to hope the second opinion matches the first… it’s like a validation of sorts. And yes, I know what you mean about the broken record feeling. It’s next to impossible to expel thoughts of pregnancy and motherhood, even though we give it our best effort and try to stay distracted. I get that you see the long road looming ahead of you and just want to get started on it already. It’ll be hard, but it’s the only way to get to where you want to be. We’re all here walking with you! (And diggin the hair!)

  6. St. Elsewhere April 21, 2012 at 06:44 #

    Well, I totally get it…that standing on two planks…that wanting to be pregnant asap.

    Second Opinion is good. Only if the second doc significantly diverges from what Le Russian has to say, it is only then that you have to worry. I hope you get to choose Russian, because it seems he knows your case in and out. But we never know!

    Also, I love your hair! I got copper streaks in March last year….

    Please take care of yourself…and where are the bunnies, lady?

  7. Jonelle April 21, 2012 at 20:19 #

    Oh Mo, I totally get it. Maybe not so much in the same way as you (I’ve never been pregnant for longer than 6-8 weeks) I felt the same way recently after our adoption match failed. I just wanted to hurry up and get matched again and bring home our baby. But at the same time I’m terrified that another match will fail.

    Keeping distracted is good, but don’t allow yourself to be so distracted that you are burying emotions that need to be expressed. I know you are tired of grieving (I am too, if that helps), but its a necessary process if we are to be able to move on healthfully.


    I like your hair. Did you have to bleach part of it to get the pink? Or do you have naturally light hair to get the pink to stay?

  8. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) April 22, 2012 at 01:41 #

    Understandable how you feel. There are days I just want all this bad stuff to just go away and someone to hand me my baby already. I’m not even sure I can get and stay pregnant anymore.

    BTW love your hair. I would have thought you would have gone with purple.

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep April 22, 2012 at 01:44 #

    I love your hair! I have always wanted to do mine puple, but haven’t yet. I would probably have to go to one of my aunts because my mom would probably refuse LOL!

    I totally get wanting to stop thinking about wanting to be pregnant. It is all consuming sometimes and it hurts. I hope your second opinion goes well.

  10. Her Royal Fabulousness April 22, 2012 at 03:30 #

    Your hair looks badass girl. You rock those highlights.

    I think a second opinion would be a good idea. Or rather, all it can do is give you more information, even if you end up finding out that the Russian’s decisions were right on. Scary though – I know. Wishing I could give you a big hug.

    p.s. I had purple hair in high school 😉

  11. MissConception April 23, 2012 at 01:08 #

    Right there with you friend. Feeling secure in my next pregnancy is one of my top priorities. There is no way for me to move forward without someone on my team who will respect and consider my feelings. You are doing everything you can and I am proud of you.
    Nice hair btw! I love color!

  12. jjiraffe April 23, 2012 at 06:58 #

    Love your hair!!

    I understand your fears. I think the second opinion is a good idea, still.

    (((Hugs and bunnies)))

  13. SRB April 23, 2012 at 17:35 #

    At the very least, the second opinion helps to ease that nagging feeling about what to do next. I hope it confirms what the Russian thinks, and you can go in head first and balls out. So to speak.

    And that pink hair? Is the most badass thing I have ever seen.

  14. Katie April 23, 2012 at 23:21 #

    You are a bad ass. That is all.

  15. Kristen G. April 24, 2012 at 06:38 #

    Love the hair. So glad you are going to be trying again.

  16. Port of Indecision April 25, 2012 at 06:11 #

    The pink hair is awesome.

    And all the emotions you just described sound completely par for the course to me. I wish this were easier, but since it can’t, I’ll just hope the second opinion is in agreement with the first so you can push forward with full confidence in the Russian.

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