Open Wounds

14 Apr

A decision has been made.

As soon as we’re cleared medically (which means most likely next month), we have decided to jump into TTC right away.

I can’t say I’m happy with the decision, but I don’t think I’d be happy with any decision. This is the best decision we could have made for our sanity.

I can’t say it’s a good decision, but it’s the right decision.

This isn’t just about what the Russian said. This isn’t about getting the “project baby” show back on the road.

This is about us being tired. We are tired, and we want to know where this is leading us sooner rather than later.

The fact is that we have an open, festering wound that’s done nothing but grow in the last two years. No amount of time will heal this wound. Nothing will heal it. But there is one thing that will at least make it turn into a scar – and that’s a baby.

We can’t ignore this wound, so we’ve chosen to accept it. We will jump in, hold our breath, and hope against all hope that it will become a scar sooner rather than later.

I keep myself busy. I try to do things that are good for me. But the fact is that most days I feel like a walking freak show. I’m that babyloss mom. I’m that woman that miscarried all those times and had a stillbirth. I’m that broken body. I am not me.

That is the open wound. It’s one that will never go away.

I just hope that we can make it scab over soon. And that somehow through all of it I manage to maintain a bit of myself.

17 Responses to “Open Wounds”

  1. lifelossandotherthings April 14, 2012 at 20:35 #

    That is such a tough decision to make. Tons of prayers for you that your journey is as peaceful as it can be.

  2. Daryl April 14, 2012 at 20:56 #

    Oh, Mo, it’s got to be scary to jump back in, but I hope that in moving forward you can find a way to ease the pain. Scars are forever, but at least they don’t hurt as much as the fresh cuts. They’re reminders, but they don’t define you. Sending hugs!

  3. Christina April 14, 2012 at 21:05 #

    This post makes me sad. I wish there was something I could do to help with the healing 😦 Just know I’m thinking of ya’ll and hoping this is the last time you have to TTC for your 1st take home baby.

  4. Her Royal Fabulousness April 14, 2012 at 21:11 #

    I feel like in all of this there are no clear cut or “good” decisions. There are just moves in the direction that feels the least destructive. I think your plan in a good one and I know your wound is going to scab over one of these days. Sending you much love.

  5. Esperanza April 14, 2012 at 23:07 #

    I’m so sorry I haven’t been commenting. I feel horrible that I haven’t been reaching out. I’m glad you have a plan, even if it’s not perfect (as none could be). I could say I so hope that this is the one but you already know I hope that, and writing it seems foolish somehow. I do hope you come to a place where the festering would stops festering and finally scabs and scars.

    Keeping you in my heart and thought now and always.

  6. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) April 15, 2012 at 00:10 #

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that soon you’ll be pregnant with a take home baby.

  7. Cristy April 15, 2012 at 01:50 #

    I’m with you. Prior to the events of last month, I would have told you to have faith, don’t lose heart, etc. But now I know what you’re feeling. You have a need to resolve. Which means opening yourself for the potential of more pain. That’s a hard decision, and one that takes a LOT of courage.

    So, don’t think, just do. But give us some of this burden too. Let us cheer for you, scream with you, cry with you and walk this road with you. Because we will. And one way or another, we’ll all make it to the end of this odyssey. And there will be joy.


  8. Slackie O (@MyLazyOvaries) April 15, 2012 at 03:33 #

    We’ll be holding your hands all the way. Love to you both,

  9. Amy April 15, 2012 at 05:10 #

    That sounds like a good plan. I hope it goes more smoothly for you than it has for me. My scab keeps peeling off and making me bleed everywhere. :/

  10. marwil April 15, 2012 at 17:24 #

    Thinking of you.

  11. daysofserenity April 16, 2012 at 04:02 #

    I haven’t been where you are and I don’t know what you’re feeling, but I hurt for you! I hope maybe this new cycle (no matter how scary and difficult) will give you something else to think about/focus on instead of the other. I always do better when I turn my mind off and distract myself. I know you did a post about this recently where you were trying to do the same thing. Hoping with you for a soon to be scar!

  12. St. Elsewhere April 16, 2012 at 13:58 #

    “I can’t say it’s a good decision, but it’s the right decision.”

    I totally get you.

    Life does show us days when we are not sure what we are choosing to do is good or bad, it just fits the occasion. Am sorry you are this point.

    Abiding with you. Sending you and Shmerson lots of strength and good luck. And hoping for success sooner than later…

  13. RelaxedNoMore April 16, 2012 at 22:17 #

    I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling and how difficult this decision must be for you. It simply sucks that life has treated you this unfairly.
    Just want to let you know that I’m thinking of you and that I’m sending you and Shmerson lots of good thoughts, strength and luck.
    And I’m hoping so hard for round 5 to finally go smoothly and bring you your bundle of joy.

  14. mrs. brightside April 17, 2012 at 02:02 #

    I’ve been at that turning point before – are we ready to try again? And I usually err on the side of just going for it. No amount of time is going to make it easy or *better*, and the pain of not doing anything usually outweighs anything else. I try to make the most of the forced breaks to heal and gain strength and find some happy, but how can you ever fully get there, so might as well just close your eyes and jump. I’ll be rooting for you, as always.

  15. jjiraffe April 17, 2012 at 05:15 #

    Totally supporting you all the way. Xoxo

  16. Alissa April 17, 2012 at 18:20 #

    Oh Mo, I am right there with you. This wound is deep and waiting to scab over. If we aren’t willing to give up or find a different path just yet, then we might as well get on with it. I pray that we both get good news in the coming months and can begin to heal that festering place in ourselves. I’ll be looking forward to your physical and emotional progress as you keep walking straight at your goal. I’m here Mo. And I am proud of you.

  17. Stephanie April 20, 2012 at 13:30 #

    This has got to be such a scary decision. My thoughts are with you.

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