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Not Much New Under the Sun

12 Apr

So yesterday’s appointment with the Russian went pretty much the way I thought it would. Let me break it down, bullet-style (TTC geekery ahead):

  • They don’t do abdominal cerclages in Israel. The Russian says only 2 have been done here in total, and though he could probably pull one off, he doesn’t want to make me his guinea pig. I pretty much agree with that. I don’t want to have a procedure done that hasn’t been tested and practiced here, and I don’t think I want anyone but the Russian operating on me at this point anyway. He said he would consider doing one on me if we had another second-trimester loss, but for now he doesn’t want to take the risk. Urgh. I don’t even want to think about another second trimester loss.
  • The plan as far as he’s concerned is to get me knocked up again, and then at 12 weeks do a double cerclage (that means two stitches one right under the other), with complete bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.
  • He basically said that statistics are on our side. He’s seen far worse cases end up with a take home baby. In his words: “It just depends on how much you’re willing to go through and how much patience you have. Some people have it easy, and unfortunately you’re not one of those people, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a baby at the end of all of this.”
  • He doesn’t think I need a repeat HSG but gave me a referral anyway because I asked for it for my own peace of mind.
  • Oh – and he laughed at me when I brought up IVF. For good reason. It was a pretty silly proposition.

Ok – the next part is not bullet-appropriate. Yesterday’s appointment pretty much cemented the fact that this was a failure of my body, and Nadav was healthy. I’ve known it all along but it was still hard to hear “Your cervix failed, and that’s why your water broke.”

I’m trying really hard not to hate my body. But it’s a difficult place to be.

I know the best thing I can do right now is treat my body well, and hope beyond all hope that a double cerclage will be the help it needs to finally bring us a baby.

I know it, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

HSG scheduled for May 8th, and if all is clear, we’re a go to try again.

I’ll be making an appointment with a PPROM specialist for a second opinion, but I’m pretty sure he’ll say the same thing as the Russian.

So that’s where we’re at. I knew there were no guarantees to be had, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t hoping for one.

Now all we can do is process the information, cross our fingers, and jump in when the time comes.

Le sigh.

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20 Responses to “Not Much New Under the Sun”

  1. me0me April 12, 2012 at 23:05 #

    Sending love and good thoughts… I am sure this is all hard, even when expected, and am proud of you for taking care of yourself and trying to be as good and kind to yourself as possible.

    http://www.angryalien.com/0604/titanicbunnies.html

  2. beruriah April 12, 2012 at 23:21 #

    This is tough, but good news. I’ve been worried my comment about abdominal cerclages sounded pessimistic, but what I really meant was that if the Russian thought you weren’t a good candidate, I don’t think you should lose heart in the strength of a preventative cerclage. The success rate for the type you’ll get in your next pregnancy is really high–especially with two stitches. Will he consider 17-p hydroxyprogesterone shots or progesterone suppositories as well? I so understand why you’re feeling upset with your body, but your body is not you. You’re doing your damndest, the best that and better than anyone could expect. My fingers are crossed that we’ll be cheering on your cervix soon.

    • Kathryn April 13, 2012 at 17:21 #

      I love this “your body is not you.” So good to remember. We often feel so attached to our bodies for a variety of reasons, and because of that attachment we experience so much suffering over it. But our bodies are vessels for ourselves! Always a lovely reminder. Great comment.

  3. Infertile First Mom April 12, 2012 at 23:28 #

    I so admire your ability to keep moving forward. I know life doesn’t always leave us a choice, but your strength is seriously inspiring. As you prepare to jump back in, be kind to yourself and your body.
    Sending lots of hugs and healing!

  4. Jenn April 12, 2012 at 23:36 #

    Sending hugs, I agree with the previous poster about asking about the 17p injections. I plan on getting a cerclage and those injections if I do get pg again. I’m glad he gave you the referral for the HSG.

  5. jjiraffe April 12, 2012 at 23:43 #

    Echoing everyone’s affirmations that you have been kind to yourself and your body. I’m glad you are seeing a PROM specialist, too. Sending all my love and “hoppy” thoughts your way!

  6. Her Royal Fabulousness April 13, 2012 at 01:09 #

    So glad you have a good plan in place. Be kind to yourself – you couldn’t have done anything differently. Your take home baby will come soon. xoxo

  7. Pussy Parent April 13, 2012 at 01:34 #

    I don’t have much knowledge to share but I’m sending good thoughts to you.

  8. Daryl April 13, 2012 at 01:37 #

    I’m no expert, but this sounds like a good plan. May 8 is not that far off, and in the meantime, just try to take the best care of yourself you can. Sending hugs!

  9. Jay April 13, 2012 at 01:54 #

    Your post actually sparked off a blogpost (lots of scientific/nerdy speculation at best) of my own– you should check it out! I hope and pray that this variety of cerclage does the trick and that your next pregnancy is your THB.

  10. Port of Indecision April 13, 2012 at 03:02 #

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with knowing your body caused you to lose Nadav. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.

    I’m glad the Russian has a plan and high expectations, but I just wish you didn’t have to go through this.

  11. Amy April 13, 2012 at 03:13 #

    An, Mo. I understand how difficult it is to cope when our babies were perfect and fine and NOT the reason for the loss. I lost my twins due to my body’s f*ck up, too. In my case, a polyp developed in my cervix that we didn’t know about until I was already pregnant and it started to bleed, and bleed, and bleed. This ruined my mucus plug, letting bacteria up into my uterus, infecting my babies…causing my body (hothead “cause of this whole problem, right?) to *protect* itself from the infection it essentially allowed to happen by starting preterm labor, which ruptured our daughter’s amniotic sac. I, too, thought I had pPROMed, but no, it was PTL caused by infection that caused the rupture. I understand infection is behind these things most of the time.

    What I can tell you from my own experience is I had to really work hard on those negative, blaming messages I was telling myself or others (essentially, exactly what I wrote above), recognizing I didn’t *cause* my body to grow the polyp, and it isn’t likely to happen again. (That particular polyp had vanished by my follow up hysteroscopy a month after our loss.) It just takes time. I’m now over 8 months out from my loss and don’t feel that hatred and blame toward my body as I did before. You’ll get there, too.

    Hugs…

  12. chon April 13, 2012 at 04:44 #

    *hugs*

    that is all.

  13. Heather April 13, 2012 at 12:20 #

    Sending hugs to you and the tired bunny.
    Hoping that the Russian’s work is going to work just fine for you.

  14. Cristy April 13, 2012 at 16:50 #

    I’m with you on the body hating end (BTW: thank you for the comment on that post). It’s hard not to when all the evidence points that direction. But I recently had a very wise women tell me her equally wise husband reminds her that “as much as it’s done wrong, it still does some things right.”

    Hang in there and I’m hoping for good news soon.

  15. TeeJay April 13, 2012 at 17:27 #

    All in all I think it sounds like a good appointment and a good plan. I can only imagine how scary it must be to contemplate moving forward right now. I will admit that I am scared for you. The double stitch sounds like a winner of an idea, though. Plus, staying off your feet for such a long period of time? Sounds horrible but wonderful at the same time because of the extra chance it gives you to carry to term.

    I’m not all that happy with my body either, but I know that I have to be somewhat good to it because I am depending on it to be very good to me. So hang in there and try to be good to your body. I know that it’s easier said than done but like the other posts have mentioned, YOU have done and will do everything possible to be successful in Project Baby. There’s only so much that is in our control. May 8 will be here before you know it…and then you will start down a new path…a fresh start.

  16. SRB April 14, 2012 at 03:09 #

    Your body is not you. So true. It is not your heart, your soul, or your head and those were in the game 328847%. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but you did your absolute best and you will again. Always, always.

    “Ur” xoxo

  17. Alissa/MissConception April 14, 2012 at 07:59 #

    I am proud of you for taking control and knowing your limits. I have been trying to set those for myself and it’s hard. I basically decided to see how this next pregnancy goes (if I can get there) and if something fails again, I will consider throwing in the towel. Especially if it’s a second or third trimester loss. You are doing all the right things and asking the right questions. I think of you often and hope you get the peace and baby you deserve.

  18. Belle April 14, 2012 at 11:39 #

    The only thing you can do is trust your body, and trust the Russian. Take good care of yourself over the coming months and know we are here for you during the good, and the bad, days. xoxo

  19. Emily @ablanket2keep April 16, 2012 at 07:13 #

    You really inspire me with your strength to move forward. So glad the Russian is listinign to you and you came up with a good plan.

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