I Don’t Like My Brain

10 Apr

Confession time: I want to be pregnant again. Now.

Which is really weird, considering that in general, the prospect of round 5 is terrifying to me.

Apparently, I’m a big ball of contradictions.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I want to go into this again so badly, and so soon, and I think it basically boils down to three major things:

The first, is that my body is aching for a child. I’ve already mentioned this, but it’s worth mentioning again. After giving birth to Nadav, it seems insane to me that I don’t have him in my arms. It’s biology. The need is greater than me. My body is literally screaming for a baby.

The second, and I think it plays just as big a role as the first, is that I want to get round 5 over and done with. Shmerson and I have basically decided that if we have another second trimester loss we’re done, and we’ll be moving on to surrogacy.

I’m not crazy about the surrogacy option but I know there’s only so much my body (and my soul) can take. The count now is over a year of being pregnant with no baby to show for it. I’ve gained a lot of weight, my body is already out of shape because of the 2 months of bed rest, and I’ve been in too many surgeries already. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

So, knowing that round 5 will most likely be our last shot before throwing in the towel, I’m anxious to know the outcome. If there is going to be another loss, I want to get it over and done with as soon as humanly possible so I can get on with my life. I know it’s a pessimistic view of things, but it’s kind of hard to be optimistic after everything we’ve been through.

The third is the same thing that’s been pushing me forward for the last 2 years, and that’s the fact that when I get a goal to strive for, I don’t stop until I reach it. It’s a sickness. I’ve always been that way in everything I do.

“Project Baby” started two years ago, and as far as I’m concerned I will do anything I possibly can to see it through to the only possible conclusion: a healthy take-home baby.

I think those last two reasons are destructive. They are unhealthy and terrible and go against everything we have learned from losing Nadav.

I wish there was a switch to turn off my brain for a while. It would make things so much simpler.

I’ve spent my entire life chasing after goals, only to feel empty once I achieve them. Winning a prize is awesome, but the morning after you win it, the glow wears off and you’re left all alone holding a useless token, and having to clean up the mess from the party.

I don’t want to live that way any more, in anything that I do. Even more so when it comes to bringing children into this world.

The problem is, I’m not sure I can pull off anything else. Breaking a three-decade-long pattern is kind of hard to do, and I’m afraid that by the time I do break this pattern, I’ll be beyond “Advanced Maternal Age”. It will take time. A whole lot of it.

The fact is that the clock is ticking. I can’t ignore that.

But I can’t move forward for all of the wrong reasons.  And I know that if I let the last two reasons dictate my actions I will make mistakes that I may later regret.

Shmerson said it best: if round 5 really is our last shot, we need to do it right. We need to know that we’ve done everything we can do, and that we’ve done it for the right reasons.

How the heck do I figure out how to move forward for the right reasons, and still appease the ticking clock?

I think I want to break up with my brain. Or maybe just give it away to someone else for a while. Anyone want to trade?

14 Responses to “I Don’t Like My Brain”

  1. Justine April 10, 2012 at 02:33 #

    I don’t think you want my brain, either. And I wish I had some useful advice for yours. I do understand, though, the wanting to get it over with even if it’s a loss, because then you can move on. While I lived through almost the entirety of my last pregnancy in near dread, I drew positivity from every wellspring I could (the blogging world being one of them). When I had no hope for myself, I asked others to hope for me. I was lucky; I got a live take-home baby. But taking care of myself (emotionally, spiritually, physically) in the process was important, too. I know that you’ll make the right decision; just be sure to take care of yourself.

  2. AlexMMR April 10, 2012 at 02:58 #

    The sudden urge to fix your life and move it forward in some way. About this time in my loss cycle, I started going on massive job interviews trying to push my life down the career path. I just needed some sort of direction to go, something to work on and make progress towards.

  3. Lala April 10, 2012 at 03:28 #

    I can strongly recommend the benefits of a nice bottle of wine and crap tv – a season’s worth of a guilty pleasure show is pretty good at shutting that brain up for a short period of time. And hey, WINE. 🙂

    I haven’t experienced a loss (I’m so so very sorry for your loss), but I understand wanting to get “IT” – either a baby or no baby – over with. It’s amazing how screwed up our brains can make us when you try to apply logic to emotion and biology.

  4. Daryl April 10, 2012 at 03:40 #

    I get what you’re saying about chasing goals, but the thing with having a healthy take-home baby as your goal is that it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning. So I don’t think it’s quite the same as chasing other goals, getting the prize and then waking up with nothing but a trophy. Getting the pregnancy and/or loss part over with just means you get to move on to the best part, which is, I think, what we all want. Regardless of how we get there. So it’s perfectly understandable and not necessarily a reason to dump your brain. Although, if you do come up with a turn-off switch, let me know where to find that thing.

  5. Wannabemom April 10, 2012 at 05:12 #

    I think you’re being too hard on yourself. What’s wrong with wanting your life to move forward? To get on with it instead of being stuck like a rat on a wheel just running and running.

    If that’s unhealthy, then I’m just as unhealthy as you are. I, too, want to be pregnant again and get this show on the road… even though it terrifies me.

  6. carie April 10, 2012 at 07:10 #

    I identify with SO much of what you said. I lost my twin boys at 22 weeks. 2 months later I was in my RE’s office begging him to help me “fix” this. my psychologist thinks I’m jumping the gun and trying again too soon (mentally) but I NEED a pregnancy. NEED. I need this to all be ok again and the only way I know how to get there is with a take home baby.

  7. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) April 10, 2012 at 18:44 #

    We all have needs and they drive us to achieve with some of us reaching the gold prize at the end. Mo, I’m sorry that this has to be so difficult for you, and for me too for that matter. Maybe the next round?

  8. Cristy April 10, 2012 at 21:09 #

    Honestly, I think the drive to get pregnant right away after a loss is completely natural. You said so yourself, your body is wondering “where’s the baby” even though your head knows what happened. And our brains are wired to reproduce. So anyone who tells you you’re crazy because of this is either 1) looney beyond belief (and I suggest running away from them ASAP) or 2) completely clueless.

    The big thing is making a decision you and Shmerson can live with. If this means starting the process again, go for it. If it means giving yourself more time, than do that. Don’t let anyone push you guys to do what doesn’t feel right. Because YOU are the one that has to live with the aftermath of these choices, not them. And frankly, my gut has given me better advice than what I’ve gotten from most people.

    Hugs to you.

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep April 11, 2012 at 04:57 #

    I will trade with you and then take your brain on some lovely day trips and see some sights. NYC? Washington DC? Wanna go to a wedding on Friday? Lots of yard work in store for the weekend.
    I do feel you on wanting to get things moving. Like someone else said, it’s like being a mouse running on a wheel. Big Hugs Hon!

  10. marwil April 11, 2012 at 10:07 #

    Ha, I thought there would be at least six month before even considering trying again. But now, I secretly hope that it will happen naturally instead. To soon? only you know that, go with what you feel, if that’s crazy then you are not alone.

  11. TeeJay April 11, 2012 at 15:56 #

    The desire to fulfill goals it what keeps most of us moving forward. There’s no shame in that. I haven’t lost what you have but I do understand the wanting to be pregnant right now feelings you are having. I had them immediately following my loss and I was only 5 weeks. I think that you are strong and smart enough to know when it’s the right time to move on. I think you have a good plan in place in case something awful happens again but I hope that you never have to go down that road. I’ll be interested to find out what the Russian thinks after your appointment. If there’s one thing I have learned about you is that you don’t do anything without being ready or informed. Even if you think you aren’t either of those things, we know that you don’t just jump into anything. We are all here for you and with you on this ride and we know that you will do what you feel is right for you and Smerson. Sending you hugs and high fives. I don’t know why high fives, it just seems like the moment called for it. 🙂

  12. Stephanie April 11, 2012 at 18:16 #

    A year of pregnancy and no baby…reading those words is absolutely gut-wrenching. I’m so sorry for your losses. Anyone’s brain would be loopy. I honestly can’t even imagine.

  13. TeeJay April 12, 2012 at 18:22 #

    Hi there, just want to check in to see how things went with the Russian…that was Wednesday, right? Anyway, I’m thinking of you.

  14. Port of Indecision April 13, 2012 at 03:40 #

    Thos last 2 reasons are destructive, you’re right, but I think they’re also totally to be expected after what you’ve been through. Don’t expect such sparkling emotional perfection of yourself, hon. This is hard and it’s shitty. And it’s extra hard to be staring at the end of the road.

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