There Can Only Be So Many Dates

22 Mar

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments on my last post. A couple of people mentioned that their readers haven’t been updating since I moved to the new address. Sorry if that’s happening. Please do update your linkage to just in case!

I’m doing a lot better. Mostly hella-distracted because I’m drowning in work, but that’s a good thing. I’m already feeling guilty for being a bad ICLWer. But hopefully the weekend will make me be better.

Tomorrow I’m going to get a tattoo for Nadav. Yesterday was one month since we lost him.

I spent the day working outside the house and I wasn’t sad. I was just… Busy.

And I got something like 10 calls from people making sure I was ok. And I was, I really was.

I was also ok today. I spent most of the day painting the closet doors and the box holding the blinds in our bedroom, and then putting on decals. The end result was pretty freaking fabulous:

The pics are crappy iPhone pics, but I think you get the idea. I haz made a pretty, I haz a happy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something my dad said, and I mentioned here a few posts back. Nadav’s birthday will never be his original due date. It will always be February 21st, 2012. Even if he had made it to term, chances are that he wouldn’t have come on his exact due date, so in fact, June 22nd has become a somewhat arbitrary date on the calendar. I keep on trying to “prepare” myself for that day, but really, I’m not sure if it’s necessary.

His birthday was, and always will be February 21st.

I think that measuring this loss in terms of dates just feels wrong to me. I can’t just be sad every 21st of the month. Just like I can’t be sad every Tuesday because we lost him on a Tuesday.  Just like I may not feel sad on June 22nd (though if I am, that’s ok).

I should just be sad when I want to be sad, and let myself be happy when I want to be happy.

I’m going to get the tattoo tomorrow not because it’s a special date, but because I just want to have it, and I wanted Shmerson to come with me, and he doesn’t work tomorrow.

And either I’ll be sad tomorrow or I’ll be happy. And that’s ok.

Here’s the bottom line: My son was on this earth for 22 and a half weeks. And he managed to pull off some pretty awesome stuff as a result of his short time here. I think celebrating the awesome is getting easier. As is getting through the grief.

I don’t feel guilty for being happy, because HE made that happen.

And I can’t wait for my new awesome tattoo to commemorate my awesome son. So maybe I’ll celebrate tomorrow. And maybe I’ll cry for a while too.

I think I’ll be ok with either. Or maybe both.


23 Responses to “There Can Only Be So Many Dates”

  1. Jen March 22, 2012 at 23:51 #

    A tattoo is a wonderful way to remember him. I got one to remember Gavin and I smile everytime I look at it.

  2. beruriah March 22, 2012 at 23:52 #

    I don’t follow the calendar. Often I’m not even thinking about anniversaries until someone else mentions them. Then I sometimes think, “Oh, is that why I’m cranky?” Or if I’m not cranky, I think, well, I just don’t put much stock in dates. I have other friends who perform all sorts of mental gymnastics around numbers and dates, and have regular rituals to commemorate their losses. I’ve never been able to do that.

    I used to feel badly about it, to pretend a little that I found meaning in it. It’s all a part of the broad spectrum of normal grief, I think.

    Celebrate your son, whatever you do to commemorate him will be right.

    • Esperanza March 23, 2012 at 00:05 #

      I think everything you think, feel and write makes sense. Of course it does, it’s how you feel! And I’m so proud of you for being honest about this experience, for putting it out there and allowing others to learn from what you are going through. I know your son is proud of that, just like he’s proud of all the things you do.

      Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It means so much.

      I can’t wait to see you tattoo!

  3. Cristy March 23, 2012 at 00:57 #

    I LOVE the colors and the decals! Nice work, lady!

    I think everyone approaches grieving the loss of a loved one differently. Some people use dates for remembrance. Others use places. And, like you, some just use the moment. There is no wrong way to do this and each is beautiful in it’s own way. The point is you need to grieve for and remember Nadav in your own way. And I think you’re doing a wonderful job remembering and celebrating him.

    Looking forward to pics of the tattoo!

  4. Trisha March 23, 2012 at 01:06 #

    A tattoo sounds like a lovely idea. Your strength through all this has be inspiring.

  5. SRB March 23, 2012 at 01:36 #

    I am so excited for the tattoo. That’s just how I roll. It will be beautiful! It will take some time for the dates to roll away, and eventually there will only be just the one. For Nadav.

    And dude, those decals look hella sweet! Great job, woman.

    • @EndoJourney March 23, 2012 at 17:37 #

      What a beautiful way to state that: “It will take some time for the dates to roll away, and eventually there will only be just the one. For Nadav.”

      Love and hugs to you Mo.

  6. Christina March 23, 2012 at 01:43 #

    I can’t wait to see your new tattoo!! I love your home decor work. That color is awesome and those decals are pretty!

    I totally think your thought process on dates is 100% spot on. Keep doing whatever you are doing. It seems to be working really well for you!

  7. missohkay March 23, 2012 at 02:05 #

    Can’t wait to see photos of the new tattoo. Tears and smiles for you over here, too.

  8. Kristin March 23, 2012 at 03:43 #

    You did a fabulous job with your room.

    And, I can’t think of any better tribute to your son than to have learned from him and to be able to live your life more fully because of him.

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep March 23, 2012 at 06:29 #

    Those decals and the paint color are awesome! Can’t wait to see pics of your tattoo! Another beautiful way to honor him.

  10. Alissa March 23, 2012 at 07:23 #

    I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo for my twins as well. I’ve wanted to get one for years but could never think of a good enough reason to mark my body. Now I have one. I love your butterflies and think it is a beautiful tribute.
    You are my inspiration and I think of your Nadav often.

  11. jjiraffe March 23, 2012 at 08:26 #

    Love the doors and can’t wait to see the pictures of the new tattoo. I know it will be beautiful.

  12. marriage20 March 23, 2012 at 11:45 #

    The grieving process is so complicated–I find it rarely falls in line with exactly what I expect. The room looks beautiful, and I think you are doing great. Going with the flow and accepting those highs and lows when they come is a lot harder than it sounds. xoxo

  13. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) March 23, 2012 at 18:24 #

    Lovely painting and decals job. One of these days I’ll get my butt in gear and do something with our place.

    You are quite right about he due date and birth date issue. When I lost my first I never grieved on the anniversary of the twins loss but only on their supposed due date. It should have been the other way around.

  14. Emms March 23, 2012 at 18:44 #

    It sounds like you are an amazingly strong woman! Good for you commemorating your sons life. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Here from iCLW.

  15. Heather March 23, 2012 at 20:21 #

    Looking forward to seeing the tatoo!
    Love your decorations.
    By the way June 22 was my due date but now has to be 13 June.
    Thinking of you…

  16. glitterandrainbows1 March 23, 2012 at 21:57 #

    Love the new decor. And your new blog header! I think a tattoo is a great way to commemorate Nadav!

  17. Daryl March 24, 2012 at 01:50 #

    I love that you’re bringing beauty back into your life–the painting and decals, the tatoo. Can’t wait to see it!

  18. amy March 24, 2012 at 04:43 #


  19. mrsrochester March 24, 2012 at 05:26 #

    “I don’t feel guilty for being happy, because HE made that happen.”

    I love this:) Cant wait to see your new tattoo!

  20. Port of Indecision March 26, 2012 at 02:07 #

    Like everyone else has said, there’s no right way to grieve. You have to get through this however you have to.

  21. Anna March 26, 2012 at 02:34 #

    You’re so right – there can only be so many dates. I find myself missing some anniversaries and then feeling guilty. It will be six months since I lost him and I’m focusing on that but some anniversaries come and go without me even knowing

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