I Demand a Refund

20 Mar

The place where I teach had a get-together tonight for the instructors. Just a night out at the bar away from the students. It was supposed to be fun.

An hour into it, for no apparent reason at all, I started bawling.

It was embarrassing. They know about Nadav so no one gave me a weird look, but I hated everything about it.

There I am, in the middle of a freaking bar sobbing like a little girl.

I think it just hit me today, all at once, once again.

It started with a box. There’s a box I made, just for Nadav. It has little things from the pregnancy, and all of the cards I’ve gotten from everyone since we lost him.

Today I went out and got fancy letter stickers and wrote on the box: Full heart, empty arms. 

Empty arms.

I’ve been pregnant long enough for a baby and a half. And my arms are empty. And I miss my son.

I guess writing that sentence down today triggered something. Or a song they played at the bar. Or just the fact that this all freaking sucks.

I carried him for six months. Six. Freaking. Months.

And now – whenever we decide to go again, I have to start all the way at the beginning. For the FIFTH time.

Universe – can’t I just magically be six months pregnant again? I don’t need the baby right away. Just give me those six months so I don’t have to go through that torture again.

I demand a refund.

Tomorrow (well, it’s past midnight here so actually today) marks four weeks.

Wednesday is a month since we lost him.

On Friday I’m going to the tattoo parlor to have a big turquoise butterfly and a small pink one added to the two purple ones. The big turquoise one will be for him. I’m sick of adding butterflies. I don’t want to add any more.

I demand a refund.

And I miss my Nadav.

24 Responses to “I Demand a Refund”

  1. Cristy March 20, 2012 at 00:47 #

    Oh Mo. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to take all of this away. You’re absolutely right, this is beyond unfair. It’s just cruel. So scream, yell and let it all out (and if I could, I’d hold down the Universe while you kicked the crap out of him/her). Sending you much love and many hugs.

  2. slowmamma March 20, 2012 at 00:56 #

    I’m sorry. I have been there – in a very public place, unable to keep it together. This probably doesn’t help but it’s worth remembering that your heart isn’t the only part of you that carried Nadav all of those months. Your body has some serious adjusting to do post-partum and this usually comes with some powerful emotional side-effects.

    I want to see you receive that refund – with interest!

  3. Kat March 20, 2012 at 01:51 #

    Don’t have much to say except I totally get it. I remember way back when, when infertility was just starting to become a blip on my radar, we hit 9 months of TTC and I thought…I could have a baby. Then another nine months passed, then more, and I think…I could be a mother of two now.

    I’m sorry if this doesn’t help 😦 Just wanted you to know I get it. You DO deserve a refund. And maybe the bawl at the bar was a good thing in a way. Sometimes when I lose it around other people (and I hate losing it around other people) I think it’s like my subconscious’s way of making sure I get support from others, because otherwise I would just cry alone.

  4. slcurwin March 20, 2012 at 01:56 #

    Do you think if enough of us signed a petition we can start getting our refunds?

    It’s horrible to get into a state like that when you’re out with people. Even when they know why, it’s not something you really want them all seeing. I’m sorry you had such a crappy night.

  5. Slackie O (@MyLazyOvaries) March 20, 2012 at 02:51 #

    The only thing I have to give is some love… xoxox

  6. Elphaba March 20, 2012 at 03:11 #

    😦 You deserve a refund.

    • Elphaba March 20, 2012 at 03:14 #

      And yes to what slowmamma said–don’t forget you have six months of pregnancy hormones that are leaving your body and that takes time. So the adjustment is about about more than just losing sweet Nadav (although, I know, that’s the main part).

      And the same thing totally happened to me on a girls weekend in Chicago. One second I was having fun, eating, drinking and the next I burst into tears and had to get a cab back to the hotel. You are so not alone (in more ways than one).

  7. Jay March 20, 2012 at 05:25 #

    Oh Mo.Too many of us have been here. I have not cried in a bar, but I’ve cried in so many other public places, ugh. I’ve felt very maudlin in bars– I think alcohol was the trigger, it can definitely tinker with your brain chemistry.

    It is awful having to start over. This is all so horribly unfair, and the worst part is, there is no target to direct the rage towards. A friend said something thoughtlessly cruel the day after my second loss- though she had nothing to do with it, it felt good to have somebody to be legitimately angry with, even for a little bit.

  8. Justine March 20, 2012 at 05:36 #

    I wish I could give you that refund. No one should have to pay this kind of price. And starting over can feel like starting farther back than you did before. 😦

  9. chon March 20, 2012 at 06:49 #

    I went out with my g/f for a night out about two months after my m/c and I was staying at my friends house. We got home and I literally went from funny laughing Chon to hysterical break down Chon. I mean I lost my shit, completely. I threw her new pillows everywhere, I threw my shoes and I think I may have ripped off my bra (please, I don’t know why). It ended with me sobbing sinking down on her carpet and devouring an entire box of BBQ shapes (these can be sent on request if you so desire).

    The point being, you can’t be brave all the time. And you have been nothing short of amazing.

    Those tears they can start at any time but they are so essential to the healing process. I think it is important to get them out.

    Lastly, if I find the customer service rep that is responsible for all of this I am totally going all irate on their arses.


    ps: BBQ shapes are great, just let me know 😉

  10. jjiraffe March 20, 2012 at 08:26 #

    I just realized, because I am terribly slow, that the beautiful butterflies on Courtney’s gorgeous banner are based on your tattoos, no?

    I don’t have a story about breaking down in public because my infertility and loss turned me into a shut-in. I never left my house, for, like, years. Unless it was to go to the doctor, CVS (to buy my POASs), my in-laws or the grocery store. And I wore my sunglasses to all those places.

    That you are out and about is awe-inspiring. Seriously. I am in awe of your strength and bravery. You are probably tiring of hearing that.

    Abiding with you.


  11. findmynewnormal March 20, 2012 at 12:26 #

    I have been there, thinking I was fine one minute and crying hysterically in public the next. As one who hates to cry in front of others I found the whole experience quite horrifying.

    Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Your loss is still very new and very raw. Healing will take time and I have yet to find a way to speed up the process. I am glad you were surrounded by supportive friends.

  12. Serenity March 20, 2012 at 14:53 #

    I’m with Chon. If I find the manager who is in charge of the refunds I’ll go hard core Jersey on them until you get your refund.

    And yes, it’s still so raw, and, I expect, will be for a while. Abiding with you with hugs and love in the meantime.


  13. RelaxedNoMore March 20, 2012 at 16:23 #

    I, too, have been there. For other reasons, but still… I remember sitting in the bus home from work, looking out the window, and fighting back the tears. They came for no apparent reason at all.
    Sending you hugs and warm thoughts and strength!
    And totally signing that refund petition for you!

  14. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) March 20, 2012 at 18:54 #

    I find crying very therapeutic. I wish it were possible to wake up one morning and be 25 weeks pregnant and well into the safety zone. I’m really hoping that your next pregnant goes full term.

  15. SRB March 20, 2012 at 19:52 #

    Oh, darling. Breaking down in public is the *best* isn’t it? I once lost it on the subway. At rush hour. Most people just stared at me, but one lady just patted my arm and gave me her seat. I sobbed all the way home and no longer gave a f*ck about holding it in. It’s okay to take a seat sometimes… xo

    And picturing Chon ripping her bra off (um…WTF?) kind of cracked me up through my moistening eyeballs. That, and wondering if it is okay to eat a food called “Shapes”, even if they are BBQ flavour. I hope you got a chuckle too! 🙂

    • chon March 23, 2012 at 01:39 #

      I was extremely inebriated at the time. A few too many vodkas. Maybe the bra was uncomfortable or maybe it was me reminiscing about women’s lib. Either way. The bra came off. It wasn’t pretty.

  16. eighteenyears March 20, 2012 at 22:39 #

    I cried three times this morning (stupid birth control pills), once because I’d picked up my socks, put them down, and then couldn’t find them. You get to cry as much and as often as you want to, even in a bar.

    You definitely deserve the refund.

    So sorry, Mo. It sucks.

  17. bodegabliss March 21, 2012 at 01:27 #

    I totally get not wanting to do it again (duh, we’ve talked about that). I’m feeling that now, in the middle of it, still trying to get past the weeks I’ve already gotten past numerous times. It’s exhausting and frustrating…and that’s on top of the exhaustion and frustrations of pregnancy in and of itself. I can’t begin to know what it’s like to lose a baby at 6 months…I can imagine it’s what I’m feeling times a billion.

    While you’re getting your refund, can you get mine while you’re at it? Thanks.

    (love you!)

  18. Heather March 21, 2012 at 07:35 #

    I wish I could give you that refund and fill those arms.

  19. TeeJay March 21, 2012 at 22:06 #

    Oh sweetie…these days wil happen and it sucks beyond belief. My heart breaks for you a little more every time I read about your pain. You should never feel bad about crying over your lost son. And we all know that the smallest, most insignificant things can trigger crying spells. Go with it…you have to grieve in your own way and if that means crying in a bar then so be it. I wish I could say more to make you feel better but that’s not really possible. Just know that we are all here, sending you our love and understanding.

  20. Emily @ablanket2keep March 22, 2012 at 04:41 #

    I totally wish that was possible. Hugz!

  21. Infertile First Mom March 22, 2012 at 17:47 #

    Prayers, hugs, positive thoughts… Sending all of them your way, knowing they can’t take away the pain, fill your arms, or get you your refund…. But hopefully they remind you, again, that you are not alone in your grief.


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