What Nadav Taught Me: Introduction

27 Feb

I have made a decision. I will not be telling you all of our story. It’s not because I don’t think you need to know. It’s because I don’t want the difficult decisions we had to make and the unbearable and terrifying experience to overshadow the beauty that our son gave us in his short time on this earth.

I don’t think that going through the gritty details will help anyone. Not you, dear readers and friends, and certainly not me.

It has been 6 days since we lost him. I am in pain. I have days when all I can do is go from crying to hysterical screams. I am lucky to be constantly surrounded by friends and family that cry with me, embrace me, or just make sure to keep me as busy as possible. I count every single one of you amongst those friends.

But I need to write. And writing out the thoughts and memories that go through my head during those moments when I break will not help heal me. My healing and my comfort come from the moments of clarity. Those are the ones I return to when I need to be pulled back from the abyss. Those are what will be my son’s legacy. Those are what I will record here.

This blog was started with hope in my heart. It will not become a place of pain. My son’s legacy will not be a nightmare story. It will be the story of the triumphs and understanding that have come out of unimaginable grief. I am determined that his story will give peace of mind and not anxiety. Hope and not fear.

I will post here every few days, when I feel up to it, with the lessons he has given me in my moments of peace, and come back to them when I need them in the moments where I feel the darkness of grief overcome me. When the time comes, they will be a part of me and I will go on and live my life. For him and for me and my Shmerson.

This will be the legacy of my son.

Hopefully they will help you too. Thanks for being here and reading along.

Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I’ll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I’ll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cause sometimes it gets hard
And don’t she know
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were on my list
Don’t give the ghost up just clench your fist
You should have known by now you were wrong (on my list)
When your heart is not able
And your prayers they’re not fables
Let me show you how much I care

26 Responses to “What Nadav Taught Me: Introduction”

  1. Jesica February 27, 2012 at 20:47 #

    I think this is beautiful what you’ve chosen to do, not letting your son’s story be a nightmare. I hope the writing helps you through the pain. You’re inspiring how strong you’ve been through this tragedy. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

  2. beruriah February 27, 2012 at 20:56 #

    What a beautiful plan, a wonderful tribute to Nadav. Thank you for sharing him with us.

  3. Monica February 27, 2012 at 20:59 #

    Continuing to hold you and your family in my prayers. Only you know what will feel right to you and to honor Nadav…don’t ever waiver because of others. Have no regrets about your choices.

  4. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row February 27, 2012 at 20:59 #

    Just when I think I can’t love you anymore, I can.

    You are amazing. Nadav’s memory is already a blessing…incredible.

  5. Bon February 27, 2012 at 21:06 #

    Mo – you’re my hero!!

    I agree with Jesica – you’re strength and decision to not let your pain overshadow your son’s legacy is inspiring and I have such great admiration for you.

    I will continue to pray for you and yours – that the moments in the abyss would shorten and become less frequent over time.

    Sending MASSES of love your way!

  6. glitterandrainbows1 February 27, 2012 at 21:19 #

    Peace and strength to you

  7. nobabiesyet February 27, 2012 at 21:28 #

    Thank you for continuing to share with us. I’ve been thinking of you and wish more than anything I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you.

  8. teejay February 27, 2012 at 21:46 #

    I think you are amazing. To be able to come here with such clarity and gumption takes an enormous amount of strength. I love how you have chosen to honor Nadav. We will continue to be here to send you love and strength and to follow your story. (((hugs)))

  9. Living Our Life in Cycles February 27, 2012 at 22:39 #

    Absolutely beautiful. Thinking of you as you work through this extremely difficult and dark time.

  10. Cristy February 27, 2012 at 23:16 #

    I love this idea. By refusing to dwell on the pain and instead the beauty that is Nadav’s life, you are creating a beautiful memorial for your son. What better gift can a mother give? You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. And I will continue to send you lots of love and light.

  11. libbylogic February 27, 2012 at 23:34 #

    I wish I could take on some of your burden. Know that we are all here for you.

  12. April February 28, 2012 at 00:08 #

    Mo, I wish so much I could come there just to give you a real hug in your grief.

    I admire you more than ever for this post, for sharing your love for Nadav with us.

  13. Emily @ablanket2keep February 28, 2012 at 00:32 #

    This is beautiful the way you are going to continue his legacy. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. Kristen February 28, 2012 at 01:55 #

    Love and hugs to you. We’re all here for you.

  15. Kelly February 28, 2012 at 02:38 #

    Mo I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your resilience and strength are amazing.

  16. Mrs. Brightside February 28, 2012 at 02:44 #

    I’m so sorry again for your loss and for the dark and terrible moments of grieving still to come. But I think this sounds like a beautiful strategy for healing and remembering Nadav. Thinking about you every day, and wishing you peace.

  17. Christina February 28, 2012 at 03:34 #

    I absolutely love this idea. I think it is great that you are choosing to honor Nadavrather than just remember him.

    Use those small rays of light to lead you out of the darkness and back to hope.

  18. SRB February 28, 2012 at 03:59 #

    You brave, strong, wonderful woman. I think about you so much. My heart just aches for you, and yet you fill it up somehow too. You inspire me to do better, to be better.

    Hugs to you and Shmerson.

  19. Justine February 28, 2012 at 04:04 #

    What a gift you are giving to this community: to allow this to be a place of love and hope … to write, to read, and to return, to us, and to your own moments of grace. Even if you don’t record the pain here, know that we are abiding with you … and that we love you for the beautiful woman and mother that you are.

  20. damagedandbroken February 28, 2012 at 08:58 #

    My heart goes out to you. I love your attitude and admire your strength. You made me think of the story about 99 balloons, (baby Elliott), whose parents say was a gift from God no matter how many days he lived, just as your Nadav is.
    You are one amazing woman!
    Hang in there!

  21. St. Elsewhere February 28, 2012 at 09:02 #

    Hugs Mo!

    Yes, this need to write….this urge…this yen….I get it. I did it too, and writing it down made me feel better. The loss wasn’t filled, but there was a voice to the pain and the grief.

    You must find your voice.

    I am glad family and friends surround you with their love.

    Be good, and take care.

    And regarding the comment you left me, I am glad to be your light….I hope that you will take the way out of the tunnel.

    Please do.

  22. Life February 28, 2012 at 11:08 #

    this is beautiful.
    I wish you lots of strength and courage in the hard time

  23. (In)fertility Unexplained February 28, 2012 at 14:18 #

    You know the best way to becoming a survivor, to honoring your son and to telling your story.

    I am just grateful that you are willing to share your journey with us. If only we could bare some of the pain for you. That, I wish we could do.

  24. Kasey February 28, 2012 at 16:22 #

    I wish I could help, I do, and I am grateful that you have love and support surrounding you. Your love and desire to find the positive brings hope to me, so I thank you for that, and for sharing what your heart feels is right- hugs

  25. Rebecca February 28, 2012 at 20:12 #

    Wishing that I could do something from afar to help you in your time of need.

  26. Betsy February 29, 2012 at 01:56 #

    I’m sorry I didn’t comment earlier, I just caught up with everything that’s happened. I am so, so sorry for your loss. It’s so unfair! Sending lots of thoughts, prayers, and hugs.

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