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Meaning

23 Feb

I have spent the last few days in a nightmare, moving from numb to hysterical within minutes.

In the middle, there have been a few moments of clarity. In one of those moments, when I knew we were hours away from saying goodbye, I pulled out my iPhone and typed out the following:

You are always afraid it will happen to you, but the truth is, you actually think it never will.

And the kindest irony: when it does happen to you, it’s actually not as scary as you imagined it would be.

A few weeks ago, in a moment of weakness and fear, I told my husband that if something happened to our baby boy I would march myself straight to a mental hospital and ask to be sedated for the rest of my life. I truly believed that this is what I would do.

I know I haven’t reached the breaking point yet – that is still to come. In the days, weeks, months, and even years ahead, the events of the last few days will start to sink in and feel real, and what now feels like a horrific nightmare will be ingrained in my memory as the clearest reality. I am still in the calm before the storm. But one thing is clear: I will carry on.

And you all have helped me understand that. I have seen the outpouring. The emails. The comments. The blog posts. I know there is more, and I still have to process it all. One thing is clear: I have never in my entire life felt so loved by so many.

In his final hours, I promised Nadav I would live well for him. I felt at the time as if I hadn’t lived well until then. You have proven to me that somehow, in the last year of typing out words on my laptop, in what I thought was isolation, I was living well, because somehow in my ramblings, I was connecting. You have helped me see where meaning will come from all of this.

I will live well for him. I will live better. And you all have given me the strength to believe that I can.

For that, I am forever grateful.

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82 Responses to “Meaning”

  1. Marie February 23, 2012 at 22:48 #

    I love you.

  2. Jen February 23, 2012 at 22:49 #

    Mo, I’m new to your blog (sadly, I only became aware of it a few days ago through another blog when I learned about your water breaking), but I’ve been very moved by your story, your words and by the love this amazing community has for you. I have no doubt that you will fulfill your promise to Nadav.

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. You and your beautiful boy are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Trisha February 23, 2012 at 22:53 #

    I have chills. Mo you are so incredibly strong and brave. I know you will get through this and your life will be good. You deserve all that and more.

    Xoxo, thinking of you!

  4. Angela February 23, 2012 at 22:58 #

    You are so strong! hang in there.

  5. MJ February 23, 2012 at 23:01 #

    Dear, sweet, Mo – life is hard, but I am continually amazed by your strength. By the support of this community. And, by the general outpouring of love from virtual “strangers” from across the world.

    Never forget that we are here. Even if you are absent.

    You, Shmerson, and of course Nadav (and the 3 who went before him) are always in our hearts, our prayers, and our thoughts.

    Love you! MJ

  6. Connie February 23, 2012 at 23:01 #

    I know I am a complete stranger IRL…. but I would like nothing more than to give you a huge hug right now.

  7. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row February 23, 2012 at 23:03 #

    Nadav helped me to realize that I was merely existing. I want to live well, too. I dedicate the big “bite me” I gave to my boss today to his memory.

  8. Courtney February 23, 2012 at 23:05 #

    Mo, I continue to be amazed by your strength and grace. Yesterday’s post almost felt like you were consoling us (“For now, know that Shmerson and I are ok”) when you’re the one going through this heartbreak. Today, you are sharing what you’ve already learned from this situation. You are an inspiration – truly staying positive and looking forward.

    You have lived well, and you’ve already made Nadav very proud. You’re a wonderful mother to him – and you will continue to be!

  9. Izzy February 23, 2012 at 23:16 #

    You are a remarkable woman and the strongest I’ve ever known. Thank you for this post, I’ve been hurting for you and then selfishly for myself in worry. This post gives me hope that if you can come out alive, I could too. My heart is still with you and you, Nadav and Shmerson. You are constantly in my thoughts. xoxo

  10. Amy February 23, 2012 at 23:22 #

    Your words are beautiful, and the fact that you can share your pain SO SOON after losing Nadav is amazing to me. I, too, had a few moments of clarity in the first days after losing my twins last August, but it took a couple of weeks before I felt like I could put anything concrete into words. It’s now been nearly 7 months since my daughter’s water broke (she was Baby A), and my experience has certainly been that the further I get from the *event*, the more painful it is in so many ways…and yet my grief isn’t as raw, I don’t cry nearly as frequently as I did those first three months, etc. It’s just different. I’m so glad that you feel so supportive and loved…those of us who have walked here ahead of you can’t help but love you through our tears, probably – at least for me – in ways we couldn’t love ourselves in our early days.

    Hugs to you and Schmerson, Mo…thinking of you constantly.

  11. Esperanza February 23, 2012 at 23:26 #

    With wet eyes and stained cheeks I say it again. You are amazing. You are an inspiration. And you are the most amazing mother any boy could ever hope to have. Nadav is so lucky. We are so lucky. Thank you.

    Sending love and strength now and always.

  12. missohkay February 23, 2012 at 23:37 #

    I hope you realize the outpouring of support was not just because this community is amazing (though it is) but because YOU have touched so many lives. The road ahead will be tough but all you need do is say “I’m struggling” and we’ll be here. ❤ to you all.

  13. MotherNatureSchmature February 23, 2012 at 23:37 #

    I’m so very sorry. You have been in my heart

  14. gina toothe February 23, 2012 at 23:42 #

    I know you don’t know me Mo ( i am a friend of Leslies’s and read about you on her blog) i wanted to send you my deepest heartfelt sympathy. I too have been in this “club” for babyloss parents that i wish none of us had to be in. It is just not fair…ever. I will pray for you in the days to come.God bless you and give you the strength & peace that you will need. That goes for your husband, family & friends as well<3

  15. internalplumbingissues February 24, 2012 at 00:11 #

    Dear Mo, I’m so sorry, I wish I had more eloquent words, I send my love and grief for you, Shmerson and Nadav.
    Until now I haven’t been able to write to you, I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, but I have prayed for you, to a god who I hope is listening this time.
    I wish I could hug you and shield you from the storm that is coming. All I can assure you is it will eventually pass, it may change your landscape forever but it will pass, and we will all be here for you whenever you need us.
    You are in my thoughts everyday,
    Lou x

  16. Her Royal Fabulousness February 24, 2012 at 00:16 #

    Your perspective, strength, and hope are just astounding. We all care so much for you.

  17. sagaofalife February 24, 2012 at 00:26 #

    It’s amazing the things you find yourself writing on an iPhone in the moment. The moments of clarity are also amazing. I’m again impressed that you have landed on grateful as one of the emotions. I did as well, but I find it’s not very typical among those who lose a child before birth..

  18. TheStorkWhisperer February 24, 2012 at 00:28 #

    You have such a strong spirit. You are an inspiration for us all.

  19. K.Smitty February 24, 2012 at 00:45 #

    Love your quote. I hope you find the meaning you’re looking for. I’m still praying for you.

  20. Kat February 24, 2012 at 01:32 #

    I am so sorry. My thoughts have been with you both.

  21. Cristy February 24, 2012 at 01:38 #

    In tears reading all of this. You are a strong woman and you remind me how important it is to carry on, because it’s not only about us. Thank you for this post and for sharing Nadav with us.

  22. infertilityawakening February 24, 2012 at 01:44 #

    In your strength you honor him in the most real way. May you find some peace amidst the storm knowing that because he was a part of you, a part of him will always be with you.

  23. Christina February 24, 2012 at 01:53 #

    Beautiful…

    You are such an amazing and courageous person, Mo. I’m so very glad you realize you are not alone and how many people truly care for you. Don’t hesitate to reach out when ever you need or want to. There will always be those of us here with a ready hand, shoulder, or ear.

    You and Shmerson take care of yourselves and each other. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love.

  24. Jay February 24, 2012 at 02:25 #

    I have a feeling I’m going to be crying every time I read anything you post, for a while. I got goosebumps when I read what you said you promised Nadav. My mom, who is a deeply spiritual person, has always stressed that the most momentous thing that can happen in anybody’s life is if their soul evolves in that lifetime. Always, that evolution is through trial and tribulation, its never through the good, easy times that we learn anything useful.

    What you have gone through, and are going to go through, is about the most harrowing of experiences, but I know, that from a great big group of people all going through a similar hell, you would be one the few souls that would emerge having learned the most.

    Nadav would be very proud of you.

  25. ozifrog February 24, 2012 at 02:45 #

    So much of the trying to conceive journey feels like holding your breath, and the entry into pregnancy you thought would be an end point becomes, for us complicated ones, just a beginning. A beginning of more worry and uncertainty, like a candle you’ve just lit that you’re not sure will go on to burn. And as the weeks go on, you become more attached to the idea of that little flame lighting up your life. I’m laying here on bed rest with my own flickering candle inside, reading about your story for the first time. I am so sorry Nadav was not able to live, but it is clear from your writing his light has not gone out in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Schmerson, and your family.

  26. SRB February 24, 2012 at 02:50 #

    Mo, you have helped me live better. Nadav has helped me see clearer, hug my family a little tighter and tell the people that I love that I love them. Thank you both. xoxo

  27. AK February 24, 2012 at 02:51 #

    I love you. I love how you have found strength in the middle of the worst sorrow. And I love Shmerson for being the person by your side through it all.

  28. chon February 24, 2012 at 03:25 #

    I sit here with my hands hovered over the keyboard and I don’t know what to say.

    It brightens my day to know how much your son was loved and how much you are loved.

  29. Jem February 24, 2012 at 03:27 #

    I think we are held up by the love and support of this community. By standing by you, we stand up for ourselves, each other, the no-longer-silent IFers who share love, sadness, joy, heartbreak, and hope together.

    I’m proud to be your friend, Mo, and bloggy world.

  30. Mrs. T February 24, 2012 at 03:34 #

    My prayers are with you and your family.

  31. Mer February 24, 2012 at 03:43 #

    I wish there was something better to say than you’re in my heart, but it’s all I have, so I will say it again, You, Shmerson and Nadav are in my heart.

  32. Julie Anita February 24, 2012 at 04:12 #

    I love the name you gave your beautiful boy.

    Thoughts are with you tonight ❤

  33. Kelley February 24, 2012 at 04:42 #

    Mo I am crying. You are so strong. I am so sorry.

  34. A Field of Dreams February 24, 2012 at 05:07 #

    Mo you are a beautiful, strong and sincere woman both inside and out. Always in my heart and thoughts.

  35. Alissa February 24, 2012 at 05:43 #

    This is a beautiful and touching post. Your words resonate with strength and pain at the same time. Trust me when i say that most of what you do for the next while (or perhaps the rest of your life) will be for Nadav or in his memory. I find myself always behaving and living as I know my twins would want. They meant the world to me and I will never be the same.

    I am thinking of you always and hoping you will continue using this medium to express yourself in any way you need. It will help.

    Biggest of hugs and warmest of thoughts, Mo.

  36. Daryl February 24, 2012 at 06:26 #

    You are loved. Nadav is loved. Thank you so much for this beautiful post. I hope you continue to find strength with each passing day.

  37. Hemlock February 24, 2012 at 07:09 #

    Mo, like others have said, you are an amazingly strong woman. We know you’ll get through this, and YOU know you’ll get through this. We’re all here for you… every single one of us.

  38. Heather February 24, 2012 at 07:35 #

    Wow. You have an amazing strength. Please know that you are being held up with good wishes / prayers /thoughts so as you go through the storm there are people that care holding you.

  39. vixenfern February 24, 2012 at 07:48 #

    My heart goes out to you Mo, it’s really heartbreaking to learn what has happened to you and I know no words are enough. All i can give you is a warm virtual hug. it’s people like you that keeps my hopes up and we’re all here with you in this tough time of your life. Hold on.

  40. Artistmouse February 24, 2012 at 10:39 #

    You are such a strong woman, Mo. I hate that this happened to you…I hate that this happens to anyone.

    If, or when, you reach that breaking point, remember that this community is here for you when you can’t be strong…we will help support you to a brighter day.

  41. Mina February 24, 2012 at 11:13 #

    This fucked up nightmare you have just stepped into, it is just like the darkness from that silly movie Neverending Story, the darkness that threatened to take over a world without stories. Your story, Navad’s story, all the other baby loss stories, they keep the darkness away, strangely enough. Even though the main character goes away too soon and the loss is unbearably present, there is the neverending love, hope, wishes for a bright heaven filled with peeling laughter of angels, unicorns and rainbows. I think it’s the love in these stories keep the darkness away.
    Navad has brought so much love. He is missed.
    Thinking of and praying for you to find peace at the end of the numbing, hysterical grief.

  42. marwil February 24, 2012 at 12:01 #

    I sit with you in this difficult time, grieving the life that is not to be but yet so loved already. You put it so beautiful. It’s hard and painful but I agree, not as scary as imagined. Thank you for sharing this so soon.

  43. Elphaba February 24, 2012 at 16:38 #

    Wow, so very beautifully written. Love.

  44. Kristen February 24, 2012 at 17:36 #

    Thanks for writing this beautiful post…it is good to hear from you. Thinking of you always…

  45. Gail K February 24, 2012 at 17:44 #

    I just wanted you to know that I am reading, following your story and crying. Life isn’t fair and you and Nadav deserved a happy ending. I’ll continue to abide with you and “virtually” send you a hug.

  46. someday-soon February 24, 2012 at 17:44 #

    Living well is the best possible way to honor your dear Navad. We are hear to listen and give virtual {{{HUGS}}} This community is amazing and we all do honestly care for you! Please take care of yourself.

  47. EB February 24, 2012 at 18:05 #

    I hope so much we can continue to help. In the coming days, weeks, months, whatever, please remember how much you mean to all of us and how many people care about you. You are not in isolation, and your posts don’t go into a void.

    It’s good to hear from you.

  48. Emily @ablanket2keep February 24, 2012 at 18:23 #

    Your strength amazes me and gives me so much strength and hope. We love you and will always be here for you.

  49. Irene February 24, 2012 at 18:31 #

    You are living well already, Mo! Also in the moments when you might not be able to be strong. Whatever you feel and however you are in your grief is ok!! Sending you lots of thoughts.

  50. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) February 24, 2012 at 18:57 #

    Mo, living life better is what we should all do. I hope that you will know that we all do care. Sending you love and happy thoughts in the hopes that you’ll find even a small measure of comfort in them.

  51. teejay February 24, 2012 at 19:31 #

    It makes my heart happy to hear these words from you. There is so much more that you will experience over the next weeks and months of your life…hold onto this post. Come back to this place to find the strength to carry on. Notice I didn’t say “move” on. Moving on is not really possible after something like this but carrying on is very possible. And I know you can do it. We ALL know you can do it and we are here for you. I care for you so much and I only want you to heal. I love the promise that you made to little Nadav and I have no doubt that you will keep that promise. Sending you much love and peace, my friend.

  52. KT February 24, 2012 at 20:34 #

    I can’t do any better with my comment than those above me….but please know that I am thinking of you and your family.

  53. C February 24, 2012 at 20:56 #

    Dear Mo,
    I am new to your blog for the last few months and so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my angel last year at 23 weeks. I want you to know you are not alone. Your words are brave and clear. They describe exactly the question I ask myself every day: Am I living a good life that honors my angel every single day? In my house, we have a new religion and our bible (collection of stories) so far has two chapters, two lessons we promise to honor every day: our true love as a couple and the memory of our daughter.

    Peace be with you.

  54. BleedingTulip February 24, 2012 at 21:12 #

    I know I haven’t written yet. In truth I guess I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted so badly for there to be some last second-save-the-day moment. Every time I try to type it comes out feeble and woefully inadequate.

    My heart breaks. Is breaking. For you. For Shmerson. For Nadav.

    Your blog was one of the first I found when I started reaching out. I wish I could wrap you all in a big blanket and shield you for this pain, I wish I could take some of it off of you and on myself.

    I hope you know you are loved. By some MANY bloggers, it makes me feel so insignificant to include myself, a humble little blogger in the far northwest corner of the US. But I do.

  55. Erin @ Will CarryOn February 24, 2012 at 21:45 #

    I’m so moved by your thoughts and words, and so impressed by your clarity and strength at this time. The notion of living well and living better for our children who remain in our hearts, is quite possibly the best way we can honor them. May Nadav’s memory continue to be for a blessing.

  56. Hattie February 24, 2012 at 22:07 #

    This is so beautiful. But I would give anything for you to not have the heartbreak that made you write it. Know that you are already fulfilling the promise you made to Nadav.

  57. jjiraffe February 24, 2012 at 22:28 #

    I am humbled beyond words by this post. To have such grace and wisdom in this time is beyond imagining. You are in my heart. Always.

  58. Justine February 24, 2012 at 22:33 #

    I type this with my heart in my throat. Your strength is astounding, and you *have* lived well. You will continue to live beautifully for Nadav, and for that, we are all grateful.

  59. Living Our Life in Cycles February 25, 2012 at 01:11 #

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It saddens me that this horrific event brought to your blog. I saw numerous tweets and read multiple blog posts for you and I wondered who this Mo was and why I’d never read her blog before… so here I am. Sending my love and support your way.

  60. K February 25, 2012 at 01:19 #

    I am so so sorry for your loss and amazed by your grace and clarity. Much love and peace as you wade through this.

  61. Janet February 25, 2012 at 05:31 #

    You are a strong and amazing mama.

    I said Nadav’s name outloud — it felt good to say. It’s a beautiful name. xoxo

  62. ellen February 25, 2012 at 05:56 #

    My heart is breaking. I’m so so sorry.

  63. Sara February 25, 2012 at 06:55 #

    I’m at a loss for words, but just wanted to say again that I grieve with you and Schmerson for the loss of your beautiful Nadav.

  64. Port of Indecision February 25, 2012 at 07:01 #

    The love and wisdom in this post brought tears to my eyes.

  65. St. Elsewhere February 25, 2012 at 09:04 #

    I will say what a blogger wrote to me last year – ‘Sometimes there is no justice in the world.’

    Nadav has been on my mind…and you through him.

    Please take care of yourself. That’s a beautiful promise you made.

  66. Cablearms February 25, 2012 at 15:04 #

    You are incredible, Mo.
    I carry you in my heart.

  67. marriage20 February 25, 2012 at 16:13 #

    You are stronger than you know. And you make all of us stronger, too. You have helped me live better, and I thank you for that. You are in my thoughts daily. xo

  68. Lise February 25, 2012 at 20:03 #

    I don’t comment that often, but I think about you a lot these days. Today I started talking about you with my husband, only realizing a moment later that he doesn’t know you. Take care of yourself!

  69. Detour February 25, 2012 at 20:11 #

    Mo, your love for Nadav is so apparent in your words. This post shows your strength and courage and it’s beautiful.

  70. Chickenpig February 26, 2012 at 01:53 #

    You have given your love and kindness to so many. All the people you have touched are as numerous as the stars. In your darkest hour, look up at us. You’ll have all of our love and strength shining back down on you. Nadav will be the brightest star of all.

  71. Seriously?! February 26, 2012 at 03:45 #

    You have so much strength, you will get through this.

    I know this pain you speak of, the darkness, the fog. Somehow we always think we just won’t make it through one more, and then we do.

    Feel the love of the community and Nadav wrapping our arms around you as you navigate the coming days, weeks, and months ahead.

    Just one day and one breath at a time. We will lift you up and then suddenly, you’ll be walking on your own once more.

  72. Anna February 26, 2012 at 19:32 #

    You never have any idea how strong you’ll be until you have to be and until you have no choice. I tell myself over and over again that I need to live a good life for my baby too because it’s what he would want. You will get through this. Even if it feels like you can only get through one hour at a time, once that hour is over, you find the strength to get through the next. I am thinking of you and your family. You deserve so much happiness and my heart breaks for you. xoxo

  73. Belle February 27, 2012 at 00:27 #

    Mo, I have been slow to respond because I just don’t know what to say. You, your husband and Nadav are in my heart. Your strength through all this makes me less afraid of the unknowns in my future. Thank you for sharing a post so soon after. xoxo

  74. Kat February 27, 2012 at 05:01 #

    Just wanted to drop in again. I hope your somehow getting through this. This was a beautiful post and I have complete faith in you that you can live well. I want to live well too. Thank you for posting this even in this time of deep darkness for you. Much love and hope to you.

  75. Tracey February 27, 2012 at 07:18 #

    Mo, I haven’t been around as much lately but I’ve been following your blog for almost a year now. My heart is breaking for you right now. I was so hopeful for you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you can and will live well for Nadav.

  76. Odyssey to Hope? February 27, 2012 at 10:33 #

    Oh no, no,no. I haven’t been in here for a bit, and thought I’d check in. I never ever thought I’d be reading this. My chest and my heart hurts for you and DH. I know that saying “I’m sorry” cannot help. I will just say, that when you are ready, I am here. I love you so very much, even though we have never met in person.

  77. Brooke February 27, 2012 at 19:39 #

    Oh Mo. No, no, no. I can’t really breathe and I’m sobbing. I keep re-reading these posts in hopes that the content changes-willing the text to change. I just can’t/don’t want to/flat out refuse to believe what the fuck has happened since last I checked in on you.
    I am kicking the universe in the balls for you and sending every bit of support and love your way-beyond that there are simply no words.

  78. Rachel February 28, 2012 at 00:43 #

    I lost my pregnancy last February when we found out our baby had trisomy 18. We found out at that 20 week anatomy scan….even though we came up in the clear on the NT scan and bloodwork (only a 1/297 chance of Trisomy 13/18, which is considered negative). Then we went in thinking we were going to find out the gender, when the tech was taking too long, then one doctor came in and did scans and then another doctor came in and did scans…we knew something was very wrong Then they took us into that little room and told us how bad everything was. I’m sure you have a ton of support and people who are close to you to talk to, but if you’d like to talk/email with someone who has lost a pregnancy that late (I was 21 weeks) please feel free to email me. I know there isn’t really anything anyone can say….I hope that time helps to ease the pain. Just know there are people thinking of you and your family and Nadav.

  79. RelaxedNoMore February 28, 2012 at 23:10 #

    Lovely post, Mo. I hope you’re doing alright. You, Shmerson and Nadav are in my thoughts every day.

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