Drawing a Line

16 Feb

Well, apparently I’m back to posting again, because I keep on feeling compelled to, so there ya go.

Please forgive me in advance if my commenting is still lacking for the next short while.

So here’s what you’ve missed:

Two weeks ago we went in for a check up to see how my cervix was doing and we got a peek at Shmaby. My cervix was still going strong at 3cm, and Shmaby was measuring right on target, but seeing as this is me, things can’t just be fine and dandy.

The Russian noticed that I had excess amniotic fluid. This basically means one of three things:

  1. Nothing.
  2. Gestational Diabetes
  3. Something’s wrong with Shmaby

The Russian decided to take a “wait and see” approach. In Israel, you basically have two “level II” scans. One at around 16 weeks, and the second sometime between 22 and 23 weeks. So he just said we’ll see what the scan brings. My glucose test thingy will be happening when I’m 24 weeks.

So basically, for the last two weeks I’ve been terrified that something is wrong with the little one (of course). GD is not something I’m too worried about. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have it (after all, so far I’ve had practically every other complication under the sun), and I know it’s pretty manageable. Sure, it would be no fun. But nothing much about this pregnancy has been fun so far. I’ll manage.

But there’s still a bit of a chance that something was missed or was too small to show up at our 16 week scan. Yes, it’s only a small chance. But it’s there. And I’m terrified.

That’s why I’ve been waiting with bated breath until next Wed. That’s when I’ll know with at least some assurance whether Shmaby is Ok. And until then, well, catatonic zombie mode pretty much continues.

Going into our first major scan, I admit, I was starting to feel optimistic. I came into the Russian’s office with a long list of questions, but mostly mundane “what can I do about my horrible heartburn” type-stuff. Nothing serious. I was looking forward to seeing Shmaby, finding out the sex, etc. etc.

Of course, all of those questions went right out the window with the IC diagnosis, the cerclage, and the bed rest.

Going into next Wed. I once again have a laundry list of questions. About choosing our hospital, whether I can consider taking pre-natal yoga with the cerclage, that kind of thing.

And of course, I know that at the end of this scan, either I will finally get to ask my questions, or Shmerson and I will once again be thrown into a brand new spiral of worry.

I’m 22 weeks tomorrow, and we’ve done nothing to prepare for the fact that a baby is most likely entering our home in a few months. Not even a single onesie has been bought. I haven’t started looking into birthing classes. I haven’t toured any of our area hospitals. I haven’t even set foot in a baby store. Or even a maternity store  (and I need one pretty badly, I’m stretching my bras down to the thread).

I can’t do it any of it yet. I just can’t. Not until we get some concrete answers about Shmaby.

Eventually I know I have to draw a line and get going on these things. I’ve spent two years preoccupied with getting and staying pregnant. I haven’t spent even a single minute figuring out how to change a diaper or breast feed. These are things I need to learn how to do, and if all goes well, I don’t have much time to study up.

I thought the line would be 24 weeks – viability. But after our last appointment I now know the true line is 22 and half weeks. Because that’s when we’ll know if he’s ok.

That’s when I’ll either finally pull out my list of questions or have a whole new set of them pop up within minutes of the scan (along with a whole lot of heartache).

And then –  if all goes well –  maybe I’ll buy some maternity bras and a couple of new pairs of undies. Spaghetti Monster knows I need them. Maybe I’ll even consider buying the little guy his first onesie and ordering some stuff for the nursery.

But first I need to know he’s Ok.

103 Responses to “Drawing a Line”

  1. RelaxedNoMore February 16, 2012 at 19:22 #

    Fingers continue to be crossed for you and Shmaby! I really hope the FSM will give you a break and you can go buy those maternity clothes and onesies very soon.

  2. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) February 16, 2012 at 19:24 #

    Your fears are quite understandable. i made the mistake years ago of buying baby items when I first got pregnant. Losing the baby was a big heartache. I gave all the stuff away. I think that really only an infertile can understand your fears of buying anything. Good luck and I hope its only GD.

  3. Izzy February 16, 2012 at 19:46 #

    Thinking of you and hoping everything continues along and no more diagnoses are thrown your way. Maybe have a girlfriend go and get that bra for you though. Just something to hold you over? Your poor boobs!

  4. Jem February 16, 2012 at 21:46 #

    I get your fears. Keep in mind that your OB would have ordered more test if he thought something was seriously wrong.

    that said, i totally get your putting off buying stuff or planning classes. I just signed up for childbirth classes at 28 weeks. As for buying stuff, I mostly have gifts and hand-me-downs at this point. I put off the baby shower until after the birth, which is traditional and took the stress off me.

    Everything will be fine!

  5. Christina February 17, 2012 at 00:16 #

    I agree that if the Doc thought something was seriously wrong they’d do something about it ASAP. Heres to it being nothing and you just have a bit more fluid than Normal”, whatever that is!

    Don’t worry about not having purchased anything. I totally get it and was the same way. Sure, some of it came back to bite me, but not much. In the end, just remember, all the baby will NEED when it comes home is food (you), warmth (you and blankets), and a place to sleep (I’ve heard drawers work fine). The thing that matters most is doing what works best for you and your sanity.

  6. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row February 17, 2012 at 00:39 #

    I’m feeling like if it was a big deal, the doctor would of rushed. Especially knowing your situation and your anxiety levels! 🙂 Praying to the flying spaghetti monster.

  7. jjiraffe February 17, 2012 at 08:30 #

    I’m glad you posted. I’m pretty sure I told you this, but my friend’s daughter had excess amniotic fluid from second trimester onward and she’s now a rowdy and beautiful 2 year old. I think about you everyday. Xoxo

  8. Emily @ablanket2keep February 17, 2012 at 09:30 #

    So glad you are posting again. I missed you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always hoping you 3 are happy and well.

  9. Flowergirl February 17, 2012 at 11:28 #

    You’re over half way, a very big positive.

    Don’t worry about baby preparation stuff, things can come together on that front fairly quickly as and when you are ready. I have heard of some who never go to the Baby classes as they just figure that it will all work out, so if it is too stressful at this time, don’t worry about it, at the end of the day, your natural instincts will kick in and you have others around to support you. However, I’m still have fertility issues and so don’t have to contemplate it, and will be a nightmare when my time comes, writing birth plans even though I know they all just get disregarded at the end of the day.

    Focus on today and let the future just be at this time.

  10. Kristen February 17, 2012 at 16:57 #

    I’m so sorry for all the worry. Praying that everything goes spectacularly well at your scan! I have GD and was upset by it, but it’s truly been no big deal…the diet is easy to follow (you can even have little treats now and then) and testing my blood glucose…I was terrified of the needles, but you barely feel it.
    As far as worrying about your baby…I’m worried about mine too because of the size difference discovered this week. But what’s helping me is to say there is nothing concrete to worry about yet (we don’t know of anything specifically wrong) and I’m going to use this time to be at peace with being pregnant…because at any moment I might learn that there is actual trouble and how nice to have had this window of time where I thought things were OK. Don’t know if I’m explaining it well and don’t know if it helps…
    I am thinking of you and sending you hugs and prayers. Hoping so much everything is all right and wishing you some peace!

  11. Trisha February 17, 2012 at 22:44 #

    I don’t blame you for not buying anything. After all you’ve been through, you are protecting yourself from more heartache. I really really hope there is no more heartache in store for you. I hope Shmaby comes into this world with a great pair of lungs ready to deprive you of sleep. I’ll be holding my breath along with you until your next scan!

  12. chon February 18, 2012 at 00:41 #

    How have you not bought a new bra? Have your boobs shrunk. Why do I get the bazookas?

    Ok in all seriousness I know I am being silly but I need to inject levity cause I need to know you are still smiling.

  13. EB February 20, 2012 at 05:17 #

    So sorry that this pregnancy is just one thing after another. I hope everything goes fine on Wednesday and you find out it’s nothing. (A friend of mine had excess fluid and it turned out to be just that — nothing except a big mess when her water broke.) I’ll be thinking of you next week.

  14. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row February 20, 2012 at 18:44 #

    Love you so much.

  15. shorty February 20, 2012 at 18:46 #

    Prayers for you.

  16. embracingtherain February 20, 2012 at 18:53 #

    Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. ((((hugs))))

  17. marwil February 20, 2012 at 19:11 #

    Just got word through Rachel’s blog. Thinking of you all and sending all the positivity I can.. May your little boy be alright in the end! Hugs

  18. JM February 20, 2012 at 19:18 #

    Mo- I want you to know I’m thinking about you and the schmaby today. Hoping beyond hope that he can hold on as long as possible. Lots and lots and lots of love.

  19. Detour February 20, 2012 at 19:23 #

    Sending you and your baby tons of good vibes. I’ll be thinking of you.

  20. Felicity February 20, 2012 at 19:30 #

    Sending you love today.

  21. Kelley February 20, 2012 at 19:39 #

    Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy and sending prayers.

  22. Josey February 20, 2012 at 19:40 #

    I’m in tears for you today… sending so much love and so many prayers…

  23. Kelly February 20, 2012 at 19:44 #

    Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

  24. Infertile Days February 20, 2012 at 20:31 #

    just heard the news… thinking of you, and hoping so hard that everything will be ok.

  25. EB February 20, 2012 at 20:41 #

    Just heard through Elphie’s blog. Broke my heart a little this morning. Hope everything turns out ok.

  26. Graph Paper Story February 20, 2012 at 21:06 #

    Thinking of you all today…good good thoughts that it will be ok.

  27. maya February 20, 2012 at 21:08 #

    thinking of you. i have been through this, exactly.. thinking of you.

  28. Dspence February 20, 2012 at 21:14 #

    Praying for you. I hope good news comes swiftly.

  29. Jay February 20, 2012 at 21:42 #

    Over here from Christina’s blog. Hoping and praying so hard that your little one pulls through this.

  30. Misfit Mrs. February 20, 2012 at 22:20 #

    I am devastated at your news and have you both in my prayers as this unfolds. It’s just too much to bear and I can only say how sorry I am that you are going through this right now.

  31. robin February 20, 2012 at 22:33 #

    Sending you good thoughts and prayers right now.

  32. RelaxedNoMore February 20, 2012 at 22:37 #

    Thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts.

  33. Tee February 20, 2012 at 23:09 #

    I’m here after Chon let me know about you. I’m here to offer support, share some love and pray a hell of a lot. Stay strong, if not its ok, we will be strong for you.

    Sending prayers from Sydney, Australia
    Tee xx

  34. Dana February 20, 2012 at 23:22 #

    I just read what is happening on Elphaba’s blog and I am so sorry. I lost my first, my son Jacob, at 21 weeks on June 1 2010 and I can even describe how devastating it was. I’ve had 3 miscarriages since.

    If the worst happens and you do have your baby now, just take lots of pictures and holding your baby as long as you want to. A nurse I had suggested that I give Jacob a bath and I will always be grateful for that. But I’m hoping that things can still work out for you.

    I know someone whose water broke at 18 weeks and she managed to keep the baby inside until 31 weeks and that baby is now several months old and healthy. I can happen. I will keep hoping that it will for you.

  35. CJ February 21, 2012 at 00:47 #

    Heard from Elphaba, I really hope it all turns out well. Hugs to you and your family.

  36. Athena - February 21, 2012 at 00:58 #

    I heard through Elphie’s blog what is going on and I want you to know that I’m thinking and praying for you xox

  37. Jesica February 21, 2012 at 01:50 #

    Here from HapaHopes, just want you to know there’s one more person hoping and praying for you and your family tonight.

  38. tash February 21, 2012 at 02:29 #

    I’m holding you and your baby boy in the light and in my heart. I understand what you are going through, and I’m hoping for you both with all my heart.

  39. TheStorkWhisperer February 21, 2012 at 02:34 #

    We are thinking of you and praying for you and your family at this time.

  40. Still hoping February 21, 2012 at 02:34 #

    Sending you love and sending up prayers – xoxo

  41. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) February 21, 2012 at 02:39 #

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping for a miracle.

  42. Nobabiesyet February 21, 2012 at 02:51 #

    Mo I’m so sorry that you are going through this yet again. You have more strength than I will ever know. I’m thinking of you and praying for you. You are in my heart.

  43. Trinity February 21, 2012 at 03:17 #

    I am here from missohkay’s blog, and my words feel inadequate right now. I am sorry that you’re going through this incomprehensibly difficult time, and please know that there is a so much love out there in the blogosphere tonight for you and Schmaby. Wishing peace, keeping you in my thoughts… X

  44. Alissa February 21, 2012 at 03:40 #

    Mo, I just sent out a blog post to send more support your way. I am SO very sorry you are going through this. I know the fear you are facing right now and I wish there was some way to be there for you. I pray with everything I have that your son will find a way to stay put and live. If this doesn’t go well and you must deliver, I hope you have the strength to spend as much time as you can with him and take pictures. I got to meet my daughter Alena before she passed and it was the best thing in the world. Horribly sad, but I treasure that time with her.
    If you need ANYTHING, please let me know. Prayers are being sent throughout the night. I am just so sorry you have to go through this and that Shmaby may not be able to stay with you. So sorry…
    MissConception (lissmo@hotmail.com)

  45. Katie February 21, 2012 at 03:54 #

    Thinking of you, Mo.

  46. Amanda February 21, 2012 at 04:03 #

    I am so, so sorry. You are in my thoughts.

  47. Rose February 21, 2012 at 04:08 #

    Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

  48. Shadow of My Former Self February 21, 2012 at 04:18 #

    Like others, when I heard the recent news my heart grew heavy with sadness. I am sending you hope and strength and am so sorry this is happening.

  49. Audrey February 21, 2012 at 04:41 #

    Heard about your heartache from others…I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You are in my thoughts!

  50. Bear February 21, 2012 at 04:43 #

    Thinking of you and praying for you.

  51. Sia February 21, 2012 at 05:07 #

    Wishing you solace and support, some peace in the storm. Holding healing thoughts for you, your family, and especially your little one.

  52. Janet February 21, 2012 at 05:30 #

    I came here tonight from Alissa’s and Anna’s blogs. My heart is so heavy for you right now. The tears come immediately.

    The only thing your son has known in his life is pure love.

    I’ll be thinking about you in the coming hours, days, and months. xoxoxo

    (from a babylost mama of a sweet son stillborn at 26w5d)

  53. Slynn February 21, 2012 at 06:00 #

    I don’t know you… but my attention was drawn to you through some other bloggers. All I can say, is that I am sending tear-filled prayers up to heaven for you and your family as you go through this time. Blessings.

  54. Jessie February 21, 2012 at 06:29 #

    Mo, I know we’ve never talked before, but you, DH, and Shmaby are in my thoughts and prayers.

  55. Still A Guest Room February 21, 2012 at 06:36 #

    Sending love and prayers your way.

  56. Laurie February 21, 2012 at 06:42 #

    Thinking and praying for you and your family tonight.

  57. lady pumpkin February 21, 2012 at 06:48 #

    Here from missohkay’s blog. I cannot conceive of the devastation and heartbreak you must be feeling. Sending hugs, love, and prayers your way.

  58. Tales of a Tree Hugging (Almost) Attorney February 21, 2012 at 07:49 #

    Thinking of you and praying for you.

  59. peg February 21, 2012 at 09:02 #

    I’ve been quietly following you for a while. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this pain and emotional horror. My thoughts, prayers, and hopes are with you and your family. I am truly hoping that you get a miracle.

  60. Anna Marie February 21, 2012 at 15:05 #

    Oh Mo! I’m holding you in my heart.

  61. Flowergirl (@Flowergirl_15) February 21, 2012 at 15:23 #

    Thinking of you and praying for the three of you xxxx

  62. Jen February 21, 2012 at 16:10 #

    Thinking of you during all of this. HUGS!

  63. Gail K February 21, 2012 at 16:43 #

    Saw jjiraffe’s post and wanted you to know that I’m pulling for you and the baby and sending good thoughts your way.

  64. Trisha February 21, 2012 at 17:10 #

    Oh Mo, I just read the news and I can’t believe that this is happening to you again. I am praying for you and your little family.

  65. Jen February 21, 2012 at 17:15 #

    You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

  66. Gil February 21, 2012 at 17:26 #

    Just read the news and I am continuing to hope, pray, and beg to the powers-that-be that everything turns out absolutely smashingly. You are uppermost in my mind today. Please God let everything go well. Much love as you travel this difficult road. And hang in there. So many of us are pulling hard for you! Hugs and love to you and yours.

  67. Toni February 21, 2012 at 18:06 #

    I was referred over to you blog by a bunch of caring and loving ladies saying you really needed some support and prayers. I am saying a prayer for you and little one and will continue. Please know that you have so many people wishing, praying, hoping and thinking of you right now.

  68. ad February 21, 2012 at 18:19 #

    MO, I am a long time reader and first time poster, I heard the sad news. I am praying for you and your little boy.

  69. JustHeather February 21, 2012 at 19:24 #

    Think of you and your family, Mo.

  70. SRB February 21, 2012 at 19:48 #

    Mo – You three are in my heart. We love you so much. So, so much. xoxo

  71. Monica February 21, 2012 at 19:57 #

    Hoping and praying for a miracle for you and the baby.

  72. Molly February 21, 2012 at 20:01 #

    Praying that you will feel God’s love and peace in the coming days (and weeks, months, and years).

    — a mom to an angel baby

  73. Skytimes February 21, 2012 at 20:22 #

    My friend… be assured you’re never far from my thoughts. Love to all Shmersons. xo

  74. Courtney February 21, 2012 at 20:31 #

    Mo – I am thinking of you and your family constantly. I’m so sorry that you, Shmerson, and Shmaby are going through this. I will continue to pray for you all.

  75. thefamilyvan February 21, 2012 at 20:35 #

    I have been following your journey via Eggs In A Row. You have been perpetually in my thoughts, and though I don’t know you, I am sending much love through the interwebs. ❤

  76. Mandi February 21, 2012 at 20:48 #

    We’re praying for your family this morning. God bless.

  77. ss February 21, 2012 at 20:53 #

    keeping you and your son in my thoughts.

    you are a loving, caring mother to your beautiful son, nothing will ever change that fact.
    no matter what happens.

  78. Sunny February 21, 2012 at 21:08 #

    Mo, I have been a silent reader until now…Today, I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your family, sending you all lots and lots of love. Wishing you strength and peace. xo

  79. glitterandrainbows1 February 21, 2012 at 21:35 #

    I’m here from MissConception’s blog. I am praying for you and Shmaby.

  80. Katie February 21, 2012 at 21:40 #

    Praying for you and your sweet baby boy today.

  81. Amy February 21, 2012 at 22:01 #

    Thinking of you and yours. Here for you, now and always.

  82. BigP's Heather February 21, 2012 at 22:11 #

    A few blogs I read mentioned you could use some extra love. I’m sending up prayers for your family. I just wanted you to know.

  83. Rachael (The Second Act) February 21, 2012 at 22:18 #

    Just heard the news via jjiraffe. I am holding the three of you in my heart with love and peace.

  84. Jonelle February 21, 2012 at 22:59 #

    Mo, I don’t know what to say. Just know that I am thinking of you.

  85. Karen February 21, 2012 at 23:03 #

    I just caught up on the news from Rachel’s blog. My heart is aching and I wish I could do more. You and your DH and Schmaby are in my thoughts.

  86. Lauren February 21, 2012 at 23:09 #

    I heard the news from a few Twitter friends. I can’t say anything that will take away this pain. It’s just so damn unfair. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  87. Sarah February 21, 2012 at 23:31 #

    I’m here from TeeJay’s blog. Just wanted to offer my prayers and support xo Sending you lots of love and strength…

  88. Rachel February 21, 2012 at 23:44 #

    thinking of you & your family today {{{hugs}}}

  89. someday-soon February 21, 2012 at 23:50 #

    My thoughts and love are with your family today Mo {{{HUGS}}}

  90. (In)fertility Unexplained February 21, 2012 at 23:50 #

    I learned of you and the incredible struggle that you’re facing right now through the many blogs that are calling for our thoughts and prayers. I know it won’t make the loss any less, but I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing that the whole IF community is behind you, hearts reaching out. Please do let us know if there is anything we can do to help your family survive this terrible time.

  91. Jamie February 21, 2012 at 23:51 #

    Praying for a miracle.

  92. Crazytwinmomma February 22, 2012 at 00:28 #

    Sending love and prayers your way. Nothing about this is fair or makes sense.

  93. Jessica February 22, 2012 at 01:04 #

    I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you!

  94. Katie February 22, 2012 at 01:14 #

    Sending love and prayers.

  95. Imploding Chickens February 22, 2012 at 01:45 #

    i know that we have never “met”, but i wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is thinking of you and your family. i am so sorry that you are going through this.

  96. Ari from your childhood February 22, 2012 at 02:45 #

    I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you all day. I’m so sorry I can’t be there to give everyone hugs- not that they’d fix anything. You are incredibly strong and have been through so much. I’m so sorry and I’m hoping for the best. Love you, Ari

  97. loribeth February 22, 2012 at 03:00 #

    Thinking of you, sending warm (((HUGS))) & wishing things were different. It’s just so friggin’ unfair that anyone should have to go through this. 😦

  98. Cookie with Milk February 22, 2012 at 03:10 #

    I wish I could fix this for you. Lady, I love you.

  99. Amy February 22, 2012 at 03:21 #

    I’ve been checking back here all day long to see if there’s any word. I’m praying that Schmaby is sticking in there and that you’re all doing ok. Sending lots and lots of love and support…

  100. Port of Indecision February 22, 2012 at 06:13 #

    I just read Elphie’s update. FUcking shit, Mo, I cannot even believe this is happening. My heart is breaking for you. A million hugs and thoughts, even though none of that could ever make this better.

  101. 35life February 22, 2012 at 06:34 #

    I was pointed in your direction by a few members of your amazing support system. I’d like to add myself to the long list of people thinking of you during this delicate time.

  102. luna February 22, 2012 at 08:13 #

    I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. I too lost my baby at 21 weeks due to P-PROM, six years ago this month. it was the most awful experience. there are no good words, but my heart is with you.

  103. StacieT February 22, 2012 at 08:14 #

    I was directed here from another blog. I just wanted to send some extra love and hugs your way. I am so very sorry.

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