The Double-Edged Sword

2 Feb

Before I got pregnant, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t become one of those ALI bloggers that disappears from the blogosphere once she is knocked up.

I swore I would update often, and keep the spirit of this blog alive. I swore I would continue to comment on everyone else’s blogs. That I would be present.

Little did I know.

I get it now. I understand why they disappear. For the same reason I haven’t really been present here for a while. It’s time I just come to terms with it.

The ALI community is a double-edged sword. We band together for support, and in the worst of times, we are there for each other.

But that’s the problem as well. We are here in the worst of times.

Before I came here I was alone. More alone than I had ever felt in my life.

I found friends here. Women who understood me better than I understood myself.

The problem is that in this space I became part of a screaming minority. We are the women on the bad end of the statistics. We are the worst-case scenarios. We are the 30% of miscarriages. The 5% of post-D&C infections that mess up our systems. The ectopics. The stillbirths. The preemies. The genetic anomalies. The placental abruptions. The incompetent cervixes. We are the embodiment of every horror story. Our collective pain and loss are endless.

I’ve gotten a couple of emails in the last few weeks asking me why I barely blog any more. The truth is that it’s because I just don’t know what to say. I’m between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand, I am unendingly lucky. Tomorrow, I will officially be at the halfway point of this pregnancy. Shmaby is moving around, making himself more known to me every day. I am eternally grateful for that. I even feel guilty for having it. I know there are thousands of women out there who would kill to be in my shoes.

On the other hand, I am a part of this community. I am a woman who’s body has failed her too many times to count. I don’t trust my body any more. I don’t trust it to keep my baby safe until he is ready to come into this world. That won’t change until I get proven wrong.

I haven’t been writing, but I’ve been following along with everyone. I’ve been feeling too guilty to comment on the blogs of women still going through the torture of IF and RPL. And I’ve been fueling my anxiety by reading continuously about the pain and loss that keeps on happening in our little universe.

Today I finally broke down and confessed to Shmerson that I am not doing as well as I have been pretending to do. I am, more or less, where I was before my first breakdown a year ago. I spend my days emotionally detached. Willing myself to just make it through one more day. Sleeping as much as I can so the time passes by faster. Keeping away from the people and the things I love.

Because if I stop and look around, the fear gets to be too much. I imagine the worst case scenarios, because I know them so well. I imagine them and know I wouldn’t have the strength to deal with another setback. That if something goes wrong I would march into a hospital and demand to be put in a coma. I am tired. I am worn out. I am scared. I hate myself for it.

Every day I feel Him move I love him more. I worry for him more. And living inside the worst-case scenarios that are part of this community is fueling the fire.

I go into BL blogs and read the stories. I find myself obsessively checking for symptoms of early labor, holding my breath in the hopes that nothing goes wrong. That my body decides not to fail me for a change.

I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to just be there for those who are suffering loss, and at the same time rejoice in  the fact that my baby is here. Healthy, and growing, and kicking up a storm.

I spend my days fueling the anxiety fire more and more.

Today Shmerson kindly requested that I stop doing that.

I think I need a break.

I feel terrible. How dare I take a break from this community when you guys have been there for me at the worst of times? It’s my responsibility to stick it out for you.

But I also need to take care of myself. I need to stop living in this constant fear loop.

It’s not like I’m being particularly insightful or engaging anyway as of late, so I figure I won’t be missed much if I disappear for a few weeks.

And I think I need it for my sanity.

So – I’m sorry. I love you guys, but I’m giving myself a breather. I’ll be back here at our 24 week anatomy scan. Hopefully viability will calm my nerves enough for me to be present again.

Hopefully there is no reason for me to be back here sooner.

I love you all. I’m still here if you need me via email. I just need to reboot my sanity. I hope you forgive me and come back when I return.

And I hope to see a crapload of healthy pregnancies when I get back.

See you then.

27 Responses to “The Double-Edged Sword”

  1. Infertile Days February 2, 2012 at 03:19 #

    hope you don’t read this – glad you are taking care of yourself!

  2. Daryl February 2, 2012 at 03:25 #

    Take a break. Take care of yourself. Take care of Shmaby. Come back when you’re ready. I’m sure we’ll all be eager to catch up!

  3. babycrazykiwi February 2, 2012 at 03:48 #

    We’ll miss you but you need that break. Go look after yourself. Think of other things, do other things etc etc. I totally get what you’re feeling. I often get like that about blogging fullstop and I’m not even pregnant!
    Good luck and hear from you again soon.

  4. Trisha February 2, 2012 at 03:53 #

    Nothing wrong with taking a break, but also I really hope that you understand that you should not feel guilty about your pregnancy. I know I never resent anyone in this community for getting pregnant, writing posts on their pregnancy, or commenting on my blog when I am still not pregnant and they are. I am thrilled for you Mo, and I hope everyone else in our little community is too.

    That being said, you DO need to take care of yourself and stop freaking yourself out. The most important thing right now is the health of you and your baby both mentally and physically.

    We’ll see you in a couple weeks…don’t come back before you are ready!

  5. lis February 2, 2012 at 04:22 #

    take a break! i totally get it and have done it.
    im sorry i havent been half the support to you as i could have. im sending such well wishes for you and the babe. isn’t pregnancy amazing?
    xoxo love to you

  6. Kristin February 2, 2012 at 04:48 #

    You HAVE to do what’s best for you! Take a break and we’ll be here when you get back.

  7. Christina February 2, 2012 at 05:30 #

    We’ll miss you for sure, but you need to take care of yourself for you, Shmerson, and Shmeby. The stress, fear and guilt aren’t good for any of ya’ll. We’ll be here when you come back!

  8. someday-soon February 2, 2012 at 05:38 #

    Take your time and may your break bring peace!

  9. AlexMMR February 2, 2012 at 06:02 #

    Right there with you. I’m finding myself skimming the infertility blogs rather than reading them now. I sit in my chair and wait for another day to go by so that I’m that much farther in the pregnancy. I can’t call my cousin who had so many losses before she brought home her baby because if we compare situations, I’m at what would still be the beginning of her journey while trying to convince myself that this is going to be the end of mine. Too much fear is inbred in me to acknowledge that others have had longer struggles than I have so far. Don’t confirm my fear! I’ve already been the .001% chance that can go wrong so there are no statistics that make me feel better.

    Naps are good.

  10. Marie February 2, 2012 at 06:21 #

    I’m a bad reader/commenter too, because I feel like I “did my time” in the IF community, and I may again one day, but for right now, this isn’t my reality. And bringing it in to my reality doesn’t benefit me; it hurts me; it makes me crazy. Right now things are going well and I’m in a really good place… and as much as I love the friends that I made here, hanging out here takes me out of that good place and puts me back into the dark place that I came here to escape in the first place. (Worst. Run-on. Ever.)

    So I don’t blame you for stepping away. I totally get what this can do to you, what it must be doing to YOU in particular. I love you & I’ll see you on Skype 🙂

  11. Port of Indecision February 2, 2012 at 06:52 #

    I get it. That’s why I’ve been such a slack blogger lately too. It kind of feels like…now that I have this, what do I write about? How do I write about pregnancy without being smug? And I’m finding that I *can* still find things to write about. Just maybe not as often.

    The anxiety about something going wrong will get…hm, I don’t know if “better” is the word. It will eventually become less frequent, and you will eventually get excited. I don’t know how long it’ll take for you. It took a very long time for me. Probably until around 30 weeks or so, when I knew that if I went into spontaneous labor I had a good chance of the baby living. Which I still know means nothing if he dies in utero. So you’ll never stop thinking about that, but hopefully one day you will simply hope it doesn’t happen, instead of actually being afraid it will.

  12. chon February 2, 2012 at 07:02 #

    thinking of you sent you an email. xxx

  13. Irene February 2, 2012 at 11:47 #

    Look after yourself first and foremost!! Take a break and maybe stop reading the fear-inducing stories altogether. I think you are very right about the double edged sword. I have been thinking about the same thing. I think as a community we also have to make sure to tell the positive stories and blog about pregnancies that go well, because I’m sure there are lots of those too. We need to celebrate the successes!! To give others hope.

  14. Flowergirl February 2, 2012 at 12:27 #

    If reading and blogging isn’t helping, then stop. I know that it gets addictive as well, but please do try, as it really doesn’t seem to be helping you to just be in the moment. Good luck, you have a whole load of us wishing you the best, just remember that.

    Take care of yourself

  15. teejay February 2, 2012 at 15:54 #

    I totally get it. I’ve often felt that writing out all the fears and frustrations can turn into a permanent way of thinking instead of being an “outlet”. Writing it all out can take a load off or make the load much heavier to carry. A break is probably a good thing. Realizing that you need some time away from fear and sadness is a step in the right direction. And of course, we will still be here when you get back. We care about you and we want what is best for you. We will miss you but I don’t think you have one reader that won’t understand this. And I’m going to be e-mailing you in a minute with my own update. 🙂

  16. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) February 2, 2012 at 18:59 #

    You do what you need to do to take care of you and the baby. Its all any of us could ask.

  17. EB February 2, 2012 at 20:39 #

    Goodness, I hope my blog didn’t contribute to your anxiety. Go take care of yourself! You hopefully aren’t looking at this now, but in case you are, there was a news article months ago about the anxiety women feel during pregnancy after a miscarriage. Your same fears were described in that article. I don’t know if it will help you at all, but you may want to google.

  18. RelaxedNoMore February 2, 2012 at 22:57 #

    Oh, honey, there’s absolutely no need to feel guilty! When you need a break, then you need a break. You gotta do what’s best for you and your baby. And no feeling guilty about it! Take good care of yourself and Shmaby and come back when you’re ready. Will miss you, though. Thinking good thoughts your way.

  19. libbylogic February 3, 2012 at 02:59 #

    Take a break. Take some time. Breathe. And know we will be here when you get back.

  20. SRB February 3, 2012 at 06:02 #

    Oh babe! You know I know. You are so beaver, and I admire you so much. I think of you everyday. I’ll email you.


    • SRB February 3, 2012 at 06:05 #

      Dear LORD. That should say BRAVE. Jeez! In my defense, I AM Canadian. 🙂

  21. Emily @ablanket2keep February 3, 2012 at 06:28 #

    Glad you are taking a break and doing what you need to do to be as healthy as possible. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I will miss you lots though!

  22. Helene February 3, 2012 at 07:56 #

    I understand your fear. It’s inevitable. There were times during my pregnancy when I had to stay away from certain blogs, especially new ones, since I never knew what I would find. It is like you say. All the horror stories are out there and, there are women who have been through things that I had never even heard of until I started looking for others who had reason to fear losing another baby. Other blogs still gave me hope however

  23. Rocky February 3, 2012 at 11:08 #

    Remember one thing: taking care of yourself is the right thing to do – for you, *and* for the ppl who love you. If that means staying away, than that’s what you need to do.

    And as for anxiety and fear, I’ve been best friends with them for a long time, and I can tell you that the best way to deal with them is to look them in the eye and see that they’re not as threatening as they seem to be.

  24. Kristen February 6, 2012 at 18:39 #

    You should absolutely do what’s right for you! 🙂
    Will be thinking of you and hope that this break helps you get to a better/more positive place.

  25. Belle February 14, 2012 at 19:51 #

    Pretty lady, I have been thinking about you lately and hope you are doing well. I know you won’t get this for a while still but wanted it to be here when you return. many hugs and bunnies.

  26. Chantelle February 20, 2012 at 19:03 #

    Just heard the news that your water broke and I can’t stop thinking about you! Please let your water replenish; please oh please oh please. Sending every positive vibe and thought your way today and for the next few weeks. God damn it, this is so unfair. xoxoxo

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