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On Hold

27 Jan

Before we dive into this post, please head over to Wannabemom’s blog. She lost her little one at 16 weeks, and could use everyone’s love and support right now. My heart is broken for her.

Honestly, after reading her news, I feel kind of selfish for even writing about what’s been going on in my head. Though on the other hand, it’s precisely these moments that keep me sober, and scared.

I’m 19 weeks today. Almost half way. A few days ago I started feeling him move in a much more defined way than ever before. I sang to him, and he responded by giving me a swift kick in the bladder. It was miraculous. I cried for ages afterward, just in awe of him.

A few days ago I was talking to Shmerson, when he admitted he was scared to go to that wedding last week. He was scared because he knew we’d have fun, and every single time in the past that we’ve had fun while I was pregnant, something has gone horribly wrong.

This is what we’ve come to. We can’t go out and have fun, because something will obviously go wrong. Ahh, the joys of PTSD.

I feel like I’m holding my breath until we reach viability. Or, if I’m really being honest, I’m holding my breath until our Shmaby comes out safe, sound, and healthy.

I have not bought one piece of baby clothing. I have not bought one maternity related item (even though I’m really starting to need a few things). I have not posted funny little anecdotes about my insane cravings. I have done nothing to prepare for if when (who knows) our baby comes into this world. Because I’m holding my breath. I’m not doing a thing every day except keeping myself busy in between “What if”s.

I think that so much has gone wrong for us so often that it’s become impossible for me to imagine that things can go right. It’s much easier for me to visualize a worst-case scenario, because we’ve been there so many times before. In my world, my body fails me more often than not. That is a fact that has just been compounded by this incompetent cervix diagnosis. Things will go wrong, because they have gone wrong in the past. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I don’t know when I’ll get the courage, if ever, to step into a store and look at stuff for this baby. I don’t know if I’ll ever let myself truly enjoy every minute of this.

The fact is that I am not normal. My body is not normal. I am, as I’ve said before, broken until proven otherwise.

Each day that passes I love Him more and more. And with each day the terror increases exponentially. The thought of possibly losing Him is terrifying.

So I’m on hold until further notice. Probably 21-ish more weeks. I wish I had a fast forward button.

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15 Responses to “On Hold”

  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row January 27, 2012 at 19:17 #

    Whereas I totally understand, at the same time, I think of PTSD as a terrorist. And if you don’t at least try to enjoy the little things, the terrorists win. And we don’t want that, right?

    I love you. And Shmaby.

  2. teejay January 27, 2012 at 19:54 #

    I love that you sang to him and he kicked you. I love that you are enjoying these moments with him. Try not to let the fear take these small moments away from you. I know that is easier said than done. Worrying about the unknown is a reality that so many RPL sufferers experience…you are normal. I agree with the pp…try not to let the fear win. Try to take charge of it…even if it’s just for 30 minutes a day. Set all fear aside and bask in the glory of the life you are carrying. Take 30 minutes to look at baby gear or nursery ideas or something that will make you smile and be hopeful. If you want, increase that time every week until you no longer are held hostage by your fear. I don’t know if that wil help but it’s all I can think of. I wish there was something tangible I could give you to put your mind at ease, but I know that until you have a healthy baby in your arms you will continue to worry. So, I send you BIG (((HUGS))).

  3. bodegabliss January 27, 2012 at 20:08 #

    So you know what my first thought was? Your boy is telling you he wants you to never sing to him again. 😉 What kind of singing voice do you have, lady? hehe.

  4. bloggingreluctantly January 27, 2012 at 21:03 #

    I totally understand, I stopped blogging / sharing weeks and weeks ago because while I am 28 weeks pregnant I now have a shortening cervix and am on total bedrest. I don’t want to have a place that is full of the happy thoughts if we don’t have a great outcome. I have followed your blog since you BFP and am rooting for you!!! We are in the range of viability and have had 2 doses of steroids, but just the idea of something going wrong now is too hard. Hang in there, every day you are closer gets better but I would be lying if I told you the fear will ever leave. I keep the mental image of being pushed out of the hospital with a car seat on my lap and a healthy baby going home as the only goal left. The weeks, the months are all up in the air.

  5. me0me January 27, 2012 at 21:06 #

    I have to say that that quote has been irking me for a while, since the only way to get anything done in the world these days is persistence – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It’s very hard, but I think that that definition of insanity has more to do with outdated social norms than actual reality.
    Hope you’re at least enjoying your cravings! 🙂 And by all means, incorporate music into your surroundings as much as possible. For the both of you.

  6. RelaxedNoMore January 27, 2012 at 22:19 #

    I’m hoping real hard for everything to go right for you this time. And can find more and longer moments each day where you dare to enjoy your pregnancy and your little Shmaby – and to keep the fear away at least for a while. Hugs to you!

  7. Trisha January 28, 2012 at 02:27 #

    Really hoping this little guy decides to stick around for you. It must be hard for you to not be able to enjoy little things like buying baby clothes, but I totally don’t blame you. I hope that you will be able to enjoy those things at your own pace though. Thinking of you!

  8. jjiraffe January 28, 2012 at 08:26 #

    Mo, I just want to say I am thinking about you all the time. Do things however you need to do them. If you need to not think about anything and just veg out, do that.

    Also, what Shmerson said about being afraid to go to the wedding totally made me sad but made me nod my head: I know what he means. But I like what Rachel said too.

    Xoxo

  9. iamstacey January 28, 2012 at 15:00 #

    Been there, understand that. I wouldn’t buy anything for the baby until the very end of the pregnancy, when they finally made me have a shower. I felt like a fraud in maternity clothes even when I was nine months pregnant. To feel so much fear and so much hope and so much happiness all at the same time is … inexplicable.

  10. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) January 28, 2012 at 19:40 #

    I can understand your feelings. I’ve never had a pregnancy make it past 10 weeks 6 days. I’m now into the second full day after the embryo transfer. I’m scared to do anything!

  11. Kristin January 28, 2012 at 21:38 #

    Oh honey, I get it. I really do. But, you are missing out on so much. I hope and pray you can find a way to enjoy yourself some.

  12. Daryl January 29, 2012 at 00:17 #

    Thinking of you! I hope that with every kick it gets a little easier to enjoy your pregnancy and let go of the fear little by little.

  13. Emily @ablanket2keep January 29, 2012 at 03:48 #

    I love how he kicked you when you sang to him! 😀 I keep you and him in my thoughts and prayers each day. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Hang in there honey. Hugz!

  14. Alissa January 30, 2012 at 08:04 #

    Oh hon, I wish I could help aleviate your fears, but I can’t. You have to get through one week at a time. Sometimes, one day at a time. I am really pulling for you and hoping that you can find happiness in the fear. I know it’s hard because our bodies really let us down.

    I am glad you are waiting for the baby stuff, but you may also want some things for him. Then if worst case happens (and it won’t), you have some things to hold on to. You will want that either way. When you are ready, go out and buy him something. Just one thing. And for goodness sake, but one pair of maternity pants!

  15. marwil January 30, 2012 at 16:07 #

    How sweet with the movements when you sang for him. You don’t need much in the beginning but I wish you could enjoy your pregnancy more. Hopefully you will as the weeks passes.

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