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My One Year Blogaversary: Gratitude.

16 Dec

Exactly one year and one week ago today I hit rock bottom. It was two months after my second miscarriage, and Shmerson and I had just moved back to my hometown in the hopes of making things easier on both of us.

The hope was for naught. I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t stop crying. I would have debilitating panic attacks in the middle of the night. I was as lost as anyone could be. I was beyond hopeless. I was a mess.

That was when I decided (with the help of a couple of close friends) that it was time for me to get some help. I bit the bullet, and against everything I was ever taught, I went to a psychiatrist. I knew there was no way out of this black hole without medical intervention. I knew I was a panic attack away from becoming catatonic. From losing my mind.

Before the miscarriages I was ambitious. I wrote. I created. I chased after things. I was constantly in a race against who-knows-what. I was lost before I lost my babies. But losing them made me realize that I had been lost for a very long time.

A week after going to the psychiatrist, the meds started working. I found my voice again. In a moment of madness, or wisdom, or something – I started this blog.

I didn’t know about the ALI community. I didn’t know there was a world full of women out there who understood what I was going through. All I knew was that I needed to write my story. And write I did.

In a burst of emotion, I spent hours that first night writing post after post recounting the months leading up to my breakdown. About my babies, about the way I had lost myself. For once I didn’t care that I was writing to no one. I just needed to write.

A couple of days later I published the link to this blog on facebook with some stringent privacy settings, letting a select group of friends into the darkness that was my world at the time. They supported me. They were there for me. Things weren’t necessarily getting better, but I was learning that it was ok to reach out for help.

I started working through my feelings through this space. I started writing things here that I couldn’t say out loud. Secret fears, and grief, and sadness that had consumed me for years. By writing about them here – I found that a barrier had been broken. I could finally talk about them everywhere else.

Then, about two weeks after my first post, I received a comment from who was then a complete stranger. SLC found me. And with that one person reaching out, I started to find other women.

Through those women, I started to find myself again.

I never imagined that something as simple as a blog would be such a salvation. I never imagined that this space would bring me to women who I now consider some of my closest friends in the world. Women who are oceans away, but who I love like sisters.

Because they – you – understand. Because in my darkest moments, they – you – have been there for me beyond anything I thought was possible.

On the night I was hospitalized for my third miscarriage, I was scared out of my mind. Shmerson couldn’t be in the room with me, and I hated hospitals. I had never spent the night in one before. I was terrified. There was so much uncertainty, and so much fear, I can’t even explain it.

All I had during that sleepless night was my iPhone. And you. Your emails. Your comments. Your text messages. Your love.

My nightmare became bearable because of this space. Your love and support held me together when I couldn’t hold myself. That third loss was easier than the rest. Because for the first time I had an embracing warmth and understanding that I didn’t think was possible. But it was. Because of you. You helped me heal faster than I thought I could.

When I started this blog I admit, I was expecting to be holding a baby in my arms by now. I fantasized that one year in, things would be A-Okay. I was naive. In the year that has followed I have learned that getting to okay isn’t so easy. But having people along on your journey to okay makes it bearable. Sometimes even wonderful. Nourishing. Fulfilling.

I don’t have my baby yet. But I’m finally on my way. I’m finally getting closer to the hope that flickered and found its way into this space so many months ago. I am grateful and humbled for this.

In the last year you all have laughed with me and cried with me, celebrated and supported.

And some of you – you know who you are – have become my rocks. My friends. My sisters for life.

To all of you still in the trenches – thank you for celebrating with me. I know it’s not easy. I hope to be celebrating for you very soon. To all of you that have already achieved your dream, I hope you stick around.

To all of you – new readers and old, friends and strangers who have become family – thank you. I don’t know if I would be where I am today if it wasn’t for the love and support of every single one of you. I will be forever grateful, and plan on thanking you year after year for many years to come, as my odyssey and yours continue.

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26 Responses to “My One Year Blogaversary: Gratitude.”

  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row December 16, 2011 at 00:37 #

    Mazel tov on your blogiversary! I’m so grateful that you started writing and that I found you. You have made such a big difference in my life, I’d be crazy(er) without you. I pray for you and Shmerson and Shmaby every night, and can’t wait until I get to come to Israel to see you all. xoxoxxo

  2. Esperanza December 16, 2011 at 00:40 #

    You’ve come a long way in a year. I’m so glad you’ve climbed out of that dark, dark place and are finally on your way to becoming a mother (of a take home baby of course, as you’ve been a mother for a long time now). I hope that a year from now will find you writing a very joyous blog post indeed.

  3. slcurwin December 16, 2011 at 00:49 #

    You may not be where you thought you would be at this point, but you have been through so much and grown a lot. Hopefully next year you will have that little baby in your arms. Gald I found you 🙂

  4. chon December 16, 2011 at 01:36 #

    honey what a beautiful post. congrats on your blogiversary and thank YOU for being that support to me when i went through my lowest point. Let’s look forward to all the new good memories we can share together. xxxxxxx

  5. Emily @ablanket2keep December 16, 2011 at 02:54 #

    Congratulations on your first Blogaversary!!! You are such an inspiration and source of strength. I am so glad I found your blog!

  6. babycrazykiwi December 16, 2011 at 03:04 #

    Happy Blog-versary. Blogging is my salvation too and like you when I started I thought that in a year all would be well buuut clearly not the case for me. I’m glad that you’re finally heading towards the light on this journey. And I love that you are so supportive to those of us still in the trenches as you say. Thank you xx

  7. BleedingTulip December 16, 2011 at 03:26 #

    I will hit my one year blogaversary in a few months… I hope you stay on here for many years to come! I know I don’t comment a ton but I would be sad if your posts went away!

  8. Izzy December 16, 2011 at 05:06 #

    This is a beautiful post, Mo. Happy Anniversary, and even happier that you have a perfect little baby growing in your belly for it. I wish you tons of peace during your pregnancy, I know it must be hard given what you’ve been through, but here you are coming up on that light at the end of the tunnel! xoxo

  9. Heather December 16, 2011 at 06:52 #

    Happy Bloganniversary!! I’m a new reader to your blog, but it is a priviledge to share your journey with you, and I really hope and pray we both have our take home babies at the end of this ….

  10. missohkay December 16, 2011 at 06:59 #

    Happy blogaversary. I remember finding your blog shortly after you started writing. I think I found it on LFCA under the new blog listings? Anyway, one post and I was hooked. THANK YOU for being here for us too!

  11. cattiz j December 16, 2011 at 11:28 #

    How much can happen in a year!? You have been through so much. I’m glad you found writing so helpful. Happy Blogoversary!

  12. Marie December 16, 2011 at 18:27 #

    I still remember the first comment I left you… I’m going along, reading SLC & Yolk – both of whom had recently found me – and I saw a comment you’d left on one of their blogs (can’t remember which) and decided to stalk you.

    Your most recent post was about not feeling like a woman. And I thought, “Who is this chick? Who seriously calls herself ‘mommy odyssey’? How over-dramatic.”

    So I left you a little girl-power rant on how to feel like a woman, how to make your husband feel like a man, in the face of all that devastation that I knew too well.

    Of course, I had no idea how eloquent and well-received that rant would turn out to be. And I had no idea that I was about to create a monster of a sisterhood that would result in international jewelry smuggling and would make Doug jealous for hours on end.

    It’s been a good year, gummy bear 🙂

  13. RelaxedNoMore December 16, 2011 at 20:18 #

    Congratulations on your Blogaversary!
    I’m glad I found you blog, and even happier that you are now on the way to your happy ending!
    hugs!

  14. someday-soon December 16, 2011 at 20:34 #

    Happy Blogaversary!!! It’s amazing how our online sisters change our lives in the most amazing of ways =)

  15. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) December 17, 2011 at 02:57 #

    Happy Blogaversary!

  16. Infertile Days December 17, 2011 at 17:41 #

    happy blogaversary, and i am really glad you decided to be a blogger too.

  17. Elphaba December 17, 2011 at 18:24 #

    Hugs. 🙂

  18. soonafamily December 18, 2011 at 20:38 #

    Happy Blogaversary! I recently found your blog and hope it continues for years to come. Best wishes to you, Shmerson, and little Shmaby!

  19. bodegabliss December 19, 2011 at 19:07 #

    I’m finally, just now, getting to read this. It made me cry…so beautifully written. I know it’s been difficult for the both of us during these last few months, but I appreciate your friendship and love you more than you know. You’re stuck with me for life…even when it’s difficult for me to be completely present, I’m still here. I hope you remember that.

    Love you forever and ever. xoxo

  20. Kelly December 20, 2011 at 04:34 #

    what a wonderful post! What a journey! I’m happy to have followed you on it, and will continue to do so. I’m getting my lap on January 18th to see what’s going on with my tubes!

  21. A Field of Dreams December 20, 2011 at 05:57 #

    A stalker coming out – found your blog via Chon. I have been following your blog now for many months and this is a very beautiful post. The IF community is absolutely amazing. I’m so happy that you are finally on the road to holding your baby.

  22. iamstacey December 20, 2011 at 22:56 #

    happy blog-iversary! I’m so glad you’re here, too!

  23. Gail K December 23, 2011 at 16:03 #

    Congratulations and happy anniversary! I love the strength and support of the ALI community. Even though I have never been brave enough to blog about my stuggles, just knowing that others are going through the same thing and feeling the same way that I feel (and have the courage to write about it) makes it all more bearable.

  24. Chickenpig December 23, 2011 at 20:32 #

    Happy Blogoversary!

    My blog an all the wonderful people who read it are keeping me from drowning right now. It never ceases to amaze me how people I’ve never met can care so much and be so helpful from a distance. I love, love this community and everyone who is a part of it…including you 🙂 Long may you blog!!!

  25. Justine December 24, 2011 at 07:34 #

    Happy blogoversary! It’s an amazing community, isn’t it? Though part of me wish none of us had to be here, I’m glad that there’s a “here” for us to come to … and that you’re part of it.

  26. embracingtherain December 27, 2011 at 19:03 #

    Such a beautiful post! Happy blogoversary!

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