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Fear is an Unpredictable Biyatch

5 Dec

So three nights ago I had a nightmare. And last night as well. I won’t go into details, but it was about things going terribly wrong.

It’s been haunting me ever since. I haven’t been able to function.

The truth is I’ve been depressed for a couple of weeks now. I haven’t really been writing here, I’ve been keeping to myself in general. I haven’t been functioning.

And it’s all because of fear. The farther I get into this pregnancy the more frightened I am.

The truth is, I don’t have any more losses in me.

The truth is, that if something goes wrong, I don’t think I’ll be strong enough to make it through this time.

I’m tired. Not physically. Emotionally. I’m drained. I don’t have any more energy left for positivity. I’m out of hope.

I know this is ridiculous. Some of you may be reading this and thinking “Shut the fuck up, you’re 11 weeks pregnant!”

I know. I know.

But I think getting through the last few months has taken a lot out of me. Dragging week by week, scan to scan has gotten to me.

I’m tired.

I’m tired, and things have gone wrong for so long that I can’t even fathom them going right for a change. I just can’t.

All I can see in the future is heartbreak. And everyone around me telling me “This is it! Everything will work out this time!” is actually making things harder.

I can’t help thinking –  “what if it isn’t it? What if things go wrong again?”

Because that’s been my life for almost two years. Things going wrong.

How the hell can they actually go right?

I know half of you reading this probably hate me for being so negative. I know most of you think I’m being stupid.

I kind of think that way too. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m boring myself with all of this worry and listless lethargy. I want to freaking live my life already.

But somehow I can’t get out of this cycle. I just don’t know how to snap out of it.

I keep hoping that the next milestone will do it. The NT scan two days from now is no different. Crossing the 12 week threshold on friday is no different.

But will it actually get me out of this funk? I doubt it.

I know I’m the only one capable of pulling myself out of this. I just wish I knew how.

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25 Responses to “Fear is an Unpredictable Biyatch”

  1. the bunless oven December 5, 2011 at 13:53 #

    Mo, I was just settling into bed (nighttime here in Aussieland) and had an overwhelming wave of fear.
    True, chilling, crippling fear. Set off by one tiny thought spark.
    Every word you wrote could have been mine. And I’m SEVENTEEN weeks. It doesn’t get easier … I think we just get better at taking one day at a time.
    I have no wise words for you.
    Just, I hear ya.

    x

  2. Lise December 5, 2011 at 15:04 #

    I totally understand and I’m not even pregnant yet (or anymore). I so want a baby but the fear makes me almost reluctant to even try again. I don’t even dare to test right now because I don’t want a disappointing negative but on the other hand if it would be positive the fear would probably paralyze me completely. I’m stuck.

  3. missohkay December 5, 2011 at 15:22 #

    I feel the exact same way, adoption-wise. Why would something go right now when it never has before? I just keep marking time… every day is one day closer to being done. I hope you can find a way to do the same even if you can never quite relax. ❤ to you.

  4. Artistmouse December 5, 2011 at 16:02 #

    Hang in there Mo! I had some horrible dreams too in the first trimester of my pregnancy. They always seemed to arrive just when I started to think positively about how my pregnancy was going. To be honest, it never goes away completely.

    And it’s hard to shake those negative feelings and fear. Unfortunately, you’ve earned the right to be fearful.

    I think you can get to a point where you start to enjoy your pregnancy. It may take a while. For me, it wasn’t until I could feel the babes move (at 24+ weeks). That was my daily reassurance that everything was OK.

    But, I acknowledge that I haven’t walked in your shoes and experienced what you’ve experienced over the past two years.

    Just keep talking about your fears … don’t give them the power to control you. My therapist told me, acknowledge the fear and then try to move on. Easier said than done, I know.

    Big hugs!

  5. cattiz j December 5, 2011 at 16:26 #

    Hope you have some good people to talk to if it helps. Or blog about it. I don’t have any wise advice but to take one day at a time. But no, you are not stupid. Just being protective and having the fear of losing something so dear. That’s understandable given your history. Hugs.

  6. Anna December 5, 2011 at 17:08 #

    It’s completely and totally understandable to feel this way. It really is. You’ve been through so much already that it’s hard to be hopeful sometimes. But try to focus on the positive. You are doing so well – just keep reminding yourself of that.

  7. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) December 5, 2011 at 18:10 #

    I think your worries have quite a bit of merit. No pregnancy is truly ever safe, not to scare you there but I think you already know that. I have hope for you that these worries will only make you more cautious and not stress you out. I’m not going to tell you to relax as we both know that isn’t going to happen just because someone tells you to do it. But I am going to tell you that you need to take some personal time to find your happy.

  8. EB December 5, 2011 at 18:24 #

    I completely understand not feeling like anything can go right. When things have gone wrong for so long, that’s what you expect. How could you plan for something happy, right? I’m not going to try to help by saying this is it for you lalalahappythings, because I know nothing will really help, except time. I can’t imagine myself being ok until the very end of a pregnancy, and I haven’t had the number of losses you have. I hope your ok time comes sooner rather than later, for your own sanity.

  9. aprilvak December 5, 2011 at 18:45 #

    I don’t hate you, and I don’t think you’re being stupid at all. I know it’s not the same thing, but even now, after two years and four months of recovery, sometimes I am paralyzed with the fear that my husband is doing something he shouldn’t. When you fight so hard to beat these horrible things that happen, it’s terrifically hard to believe that you don’t have to fight with everything you’ve got anymore, just with most of what you’ve got. I love you, Mo. We’re with you all the way.

  10. me0me December 5, 2011 at 20:51 #

    So I’m no expert- though I am studying something that is slowly making me more informed. What I know, personally, is that acknowledgement is key and self-acceptance is key. I think you’re constantly being hard on yourself. Constantly being disappointed and unaccepting of the emotions that are coming up for you. Sharing them is important and I’m glad to read this because it means you’re not just trying to ignore the fear and discomfort. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. Try not to judge. In my experience, being afraid of your feelings is always worse than actually feeling them.
    That’s my two cents. That and love. From me to you.

  11. Heather December 5, 2011 at 21:16 #

    Oh Mo. Sending hugs. I wish I could make it better.
    It is totally ok to feel negative. Feelings are ok. It shows you are alive. And you have been through a lot.

  12. RelaxedNoMore December 5, 2011 at 21:24 #

    Oh, hun. I’m so sorry your fear won’t leave you alone. I truly wish you could start to enjoy your pregnancy and keep the fear in some corner in the basement where you know it’s there and can acknowledge it but where it can’t hurt you any longer.
    Sending you hugs and love!

  13. teejay December 5, 2011 at 22:29 #

    I would never tell you to stop worrying. You are now a parent (in my eyes) and the worrying never ends. And after everything you have been through I dare anyone to tell you to “just relax”. Your fears are valid, just as any other emotion you are experiencing. Some of the pp state that they have just gotten better at dealing with the fear. I think you will get there…to a place where it’s not all consuming…it will just take time. Please don’t beat yourself up too much. I think you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. You have a great husband and family to help you through anything. I’m crossing all my fingers and toes that the only thing they have to help you with is picking out baby things for your new home. Hang in there and stay strong. You are doing a great job considering everything that has happened to you in this journey. Sending you big (((hugs))) across the pond.

  14. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row December 5, 2011 at 23:35 #

    I love you so much. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

    We spend our childhoods waiting to meet a boy (or girl), then waiting to get married (or a civil union), then trying to get pregnant, then trying to keep the pregnancy…it’s a lot of pressure.

    I love you.

  15. Infertile Days December 6, 2011 at 01:58 #

    i totally get it… i’m going crazy now trying to get pregnant, and then if and when i get pregnant, its going to be crazy then. i feel exhausted even thinking about it.
    i have even started thinking up a few things to say to myself if i ever do get pregnant, here’s one for you – ‘today i am pregnant’, and i know you have thoughts about losing it, but please have at least one from me about keeping it!
    i know it won’t solve anything, but if it helps just a teeny tiny little bit that’s great.

  16. AFM December 6, 2011 at 02:17 #

    That feeling stayed with me all through my pregnancy with Cookie. the only thing that kept me going was i would wake up each morning and think ” untill i am told other wise today i am pregnant” I pray this pregnancy is a 40 week one. one day at a time or if necessary one breath at a time. and i’ll keep looking for that magic wand to make all our dreams come true.
    praying for you and your little one
    take care

  17. Kristen December 6, 2011 at 02:53 #

    So sorry you are feeling so fearful. Don’t beat yourself up about it…it is what it is. I know what you mean when you say everything always goes wrong…it’s hard to believe this all can have a happy ending when your entire reproductive life up until now that hasn’t been the case. How can you believe things can go differently? I’ve definitely had that feeling. Getting out of the first trimester helped me as far as lessening the fear, but it didn’t make it go away completely.
    Wish I had some magic solution for you, but I don’t. Just sending you lots of hugs and love. You are so, so brave to be going through this…
    XO

  18. Esperanza December 6, 2011 at 03:36 #

    Oh Mo, I hear so much of myself when I was pregnant in this post, in all your posts since you saw your two lines. All I can say is I know how you feel. I know how hard it is. I know how difficult (impossible) it feels to turn it off.

    I remember thinking when I got to the 12 week mark it would turn off. It didn’t. The I expected the NTU scan to turn it off. Turns out we couldn’t get our NTU scan (they waited too long and the baby was too big) so I lost my shit. That is when I went on Zoloft. I was 14 weeks and barely able to function. The Zoloft helped my anxiety a lot, but I still felt like I fretted away my pregnancy feeling scared. There is nothing I regret more in my life. I still look back on those nine months and feel such regret. I doubt I’ll ever forgive myself for how I wasted that special time feeling scared all the time.

    I hope you find a way to turn it off. I really do. When I was working on my fear and anxiety I read a book and one of the exercises really spoke to me. I wrote this post on it (it’s pretty short and I think helpful).

    http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/2010/04/30/putting-my-worry-in-its-place/

    If you want to look through my pregnancy posts you’ll probably see a lot of yourself and your experience there (though you have way more reason to be scared then I did as you’ve suffered so much more loss).

    I hope things get better for you soon.

  19. alexmmr December 6, 2011 at 04:04 #

    I’m getting a lot of flack from my hubby. He says it’s hard listening to the negativity all the time. The only response I have is, well, it’s hard being scared all the time.

    Just like every relationship we ever had went to crap before we met the right one, the same with pregnancies for some of us I guess. When we’re in the middle of it, we never know if this will go to crap, or if it will turn out to be “the one”.

    Be however you are. Don’t feel pressured to pretend to be happy and content if you aren’t.

  20. Wannabemom December 6, 2011 at 04:17 #

    Anxiety is a bitch.. and so is it’s friend, depression. Allow me to get all “therapisty” for second. I want to separate all the losses and battle to get here from the crux of the issue, which is your anxiety disorder. There will always be something to be anxious about. Even once your beautiful babe is here, you will be anxious about him/her getting hurt, sick, whatever. Anxiety is the enemy here and you have been successful in reigning in the beast in the past. What’s missing right now? What do you need to refocus on? Anxiety will always be a part of you, but it doesn’t have to control you and ruin your happiness.

    I know it’s a lot easier said then done. But you have the ability to conquer anxiety. Look what you’ve survived already!

    Check out this website, they have a really interesting philosophy that has helped a lot of people.

    http://www.recovery-inc.com

    I hope you win this battle too.

  21. Emily December 6, 2011 at 06:07 #

    Oh honey, these are your feelings, they are valid and no one should hate you or be mad at you for feeling them. I personally can only imagine what you are going through. All I can do is send you my love. I do love you. And hope and pray you find comfort and the strength to work through your fear and enjoy your miracle. BIG HUGZ!

  22. slcurwin December 6, 2011 at 06:42 #

    Rational thought doesn’t really do shit for fear. Logic has no real place in our pregnacies. But we’ve got to do our best not to let ourselves get dragged under by it…and the negativity that comes with our experiences.

    Big hugs. You may not think you’re strong enough, but you have a lot more in you than you think. You’re an amazing woman.

  23. elizabeth December 6, 2011 at 20:20 #

    I think it is perfectly natural to feel what you are feeling. At least you acknowledge it and accept that you should not think in that manner. That was the first step. Now on to step 2.

    Hugs!

  24. Flowergirl December 6, 2011 at 21:05 #

    Based on things my counsellor said to me before my last round of ivf as i was having terrible fear that becasue of the outcomes before that i was doomed before i started
    – the grief from your previous pregnancies needs dealing with, but it doesn’t fully pre-determine the outcomes of your current position.
    – You already know it isn’t ectopic and has lasted much longer than before – these are subtle changes that mean that as much as you can control the outcomes they are already on a different track at this time
    – live in today. write a list of 4 things that you must do each day, one of which must be something nice for you. you will possibly do more than 4 things, but make sure you do these four things.
    – keep a diary of things that are making you feel stress and how you are feeling stressed, then begin to do counter-behaviours to overcome these – e.g if you are paniking, take some time out to find a place to go breathe.
    – don’t stress about things that haven’t happened and wof which you can not control beyond reasonable measures. So whilst you can’t stop what will happen, you can do what you can to out yourself in the best position to minimise your fear – so no bungy jumping for you. From an ivf pov, things like eating well, no alcohol, acupuncture are used to say you have put yoursel fin the best position.

    Hopefully this may help a tiny bit. xxx

  25. jjiraffe December 7, 2011 at 04:19 #

    Oh, Mo. (((HUGS)))

    I wonder if you are suffering from PTSD? Not to be all doctor Google, but nightmares are a big symptom. Although also a big pregnancy thing, too. I know you see a therapist, so I’m sure you’re on top of this.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way 😦

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