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The Fun Never Ends Here in Mo’s Head

16 Nov

Somebody explain to me how I manage to equate a couple of stomach cramps, a lack of nausea, and two freaking brown spots to a miscarriage.

The lack of nausea? Probably due to the fact that I actually ate healthy today. I’m off carbs and on fruit and celery, so it would make sense that things seem lighter.

The spotting? Just a couple of measly brown spots! Nothing to worry about, right? Dr. Google says it’s totally normal.

And the cramping – well, considering that I’m growing a freaking human being in my uterus, some cramping would make sense.

But no, of course I’m freaking out. Of course I’m mad at myself that I made the appointment with the Russian for Monday and not like, NOW.

I had another session with my shrink today where I reflected on how the last year and half has basically robbed me of my identity. I’m tired of being on hold. I’m tired of waiting.

And right now I feel like I’m in the hardest wait so far.

Why does this seem so incredibly unreal to me? Why am I insisting on waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I’m sick of being on hold. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me that everything will be fine.

Or even some more nausea would be a start. Maybe I’ll eat a donut and see if I can’t get my pukiness on.

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15 Responses to “The Fun Never Ends Here in Mo’s Head”

  1. Tricia November 16, 2011 at 21:53 #

    Because it’s scary and because you are not used to “success”. I think it’s normal. I was and will be the same. I will pray for peace for you

  2. Belle November 16, 2011 at 21:55 #

    Wow, things must be really bad to warrant a lol cat instead of a bunny. Hang in there sweetie! Folks are cheering you on from across the globe. xoxo

  3. bodegabliss November 16, 2011 at 22:36 #

    It’s completely understandable why you would feel like this! I completely understand hating the wait and being on hold…but you need to remind yourself that you’ve already completed the first step of not having to wait any more…right this very second, you’re pregnant. That’s huge. Hang in there…

    Love you!

  4. Infertile Days November 16, 2011 at 23:03 #

    I get it. If I do ever get pregnant again, I know it will be hard. I will wonder if I will lose it. I will be worrying just like you are now.
    Hopefully as the weeks pass and you get further along it will get easier. I bet that in general you aren’t as worried and freaking out as before your ultrasound when you got to see your baby’s heartbeat.
    Just remember all the days you had where you wished you were pregnant, and now you are – and saw the heartbeat. Its really happening!
    Take care

  5. Kristen November 16, 2011 at 23:13 #

    Hugs. So sorry you’re so worried. All this waiting sucks. I totally get it…I have the tiniest twinge of a cramp these days and am convinced I’m about to miscarry…I even have it all planned out in my head how to get to the hospital. And I’m terrified of what they’ll tell me at my 20 week ultrasound next week…something could be going wrong in there and I don’t even know it. Trying hard not to go there, though…for me it HAS been easier in the second trimester…hope that turns out to be the case for you too…

  6. RelaxedNoMore November 16, 2011 at 23:14 #

    Oh, hun. It’s understandable – you’ve been burned before, and burned bad. So of course you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it would be very strange if you’d totally forgotten what happend before and turned on “100% happiness, 0% anxiety” as if you’d flipped a switch. Just try not to let it get to you and drive you (too) crazy. Remember that heartbeat!
    Huge hugs to you!

  7. missohkay November 16, 2011 at 23:22 #

    I have said many times that I would go through anything if I just knew how things would work out and when. Thinking of you.

  8. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row November 16, 2011 at 23:53 #

    You can freak out, if you want. Because I’m continuing the celebration for you over here. Let me know when you are ready to take over the excitement I have, I’d love to do the worrying for you so you can relax! Love you.

  9. Rebecca November 17, 2011 at 00:06 #

    It has to be terrifying with the spotting. I too would be concerned. I lost mine not all that long ago…beginning of this month actually. I still have hope for you. Some women bleed and are just fine.

  10. chon November 17, 2011 at 01:09 #

    I think you are totally normal and sane!!! Well ok you make me feel better about myself! Obviously we are NORMAL! But do take it easy (moving fridges might be best left for hubs…..)

    I think it is great that you have the Russian and you can go and get an u/s to confirm everything is ok. You might as well use what tools you have at your disposal.

    Brown blood is ok, red blood not so good. Only a few weeks to go till your on the good side. I can’t wait for you.

  11. mrs. brightside November 17, 2011 at 02:49 #

    With each pregnancy, I’ve had crazy delusions of being put in a bubble or coma or something for 12 weeks. Whatever the outcome, anything to avoid living every moment of every day worrying and wondering. It’s torture. But you’ll get through it. You can do this!!! You have no reason to believe that anything is wrong, everything is so different from before. I know easier said than done…. {hugs}

  12. Port of Indecision November 17, 2011 at 05:36 #

    If you find that crystal ball, or that ability to relax, or that faith that everything is gonna be just super this time, make sure you share with the rest of us.

  13. SRB November 17, 2011 at 19:32 #

    Go back and re-read my e-mails, for they are incredibly wise you see. They’re like, the nicotine gum of RPL anxiety-induced freakouts… or something. 🙂

    *HUGS*

  14. Emily November 17, 2011 at 23:28 #

    Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace and comfort thinking about little Shmembryo’s heartbeat and all the people who love and are so excited for you!

  15. Theresa November 18, 2011 at 02:41 #

    If I were in your situation, I guarantee I’d be doing the same thing. It’s hard to stay hopeful when you’ve been heartbroken before. I hope you can find some peace soon.

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