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I Guess it’s a Process

14 Nov

So – I lasted, like, a week, right? Not bad for someone with mega PTSD.

But now I’m back in freak-out land. It’s not as ba as before the first scan, mind you. I’m not having Amy Winehouse related nightmares and I’m not having any crying fits or panic attacks, but I’m nervous again. I keep on trying to look for loopholes. I’m so used to things going wrong that I can’t fathom them completely going right.

To make matters worse, I’ve been feeling guilty about not continuing to be over the moon with everything. Reading posts like Elphie’s from the other day makes me long to feel pure unadulterated happiness and let go of the anxiety. I feel terrible that I can’t. I feel awful that I panic at the slight alleviation of symptoms, or freak out when I feel a cramp that seems a bit out of place.

I talked to my shrink about this yesterday. I told her about the nerves, and about the guilt. About how I’m trying to find things that could possibly be wrong. About how I have no idea how I can keep my cool until the NT scan on Dec. 5th. And how I hate myself for that.

She pointed out that with my history, there can’t be a black and white here. I can’t go from utter panic to pure joy, it’s just not possible. She told me that it’s ok to feel anxiety about this still, but I should start slowly replacing the anxiety with happiness, bit by bit, until the happiness overcomes. it probably won’t erase the anxiety completely, but it can eventually overshadow it.

And until it does, if I need to indulge my anxiety a little bit, that’s ok.

So I took her advice.

I made an appointment with the Russian for next Monday, just to get an interim peak at the Shmembryo before our scan. Because who says I can’t? I want to see the little guy in there before December 5th, thankyouverymuch.

And I went online and bought a home doppler monitor. Because really – was there ever even a question of me NOT buying one? Exactly. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t spend 130 bucks on a doppler. Me without a doppler would not be the charming, control-freaky me that is… Me. Or something.

In the meantime, I’ll work on replacing the anxiety bit by bit with shards of happiness. Starting with the fact that I am currently feeling exhausted and pukey, which means the Shmembryo is still alive and kicking.

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23 Responses to “I Guess it’s a Process”

  1. mothernatureschmature November 14, 2011 at 19:27 #

    I don’t think it’d be normal if you weren’t anxious and skeptical and examining every little thing. Eventually the happiness will overcome but until then it’s ok!!

  2. someday-soon November 14, 2011 at 19:29 #

    Every Saturday morning we used the doppler to check in on our little one and took a belly picture. It was a really fun ritual to look forward to and kept my anxiety lower knowing I could check in on her. One word of warning, their heartbeat can be tough to find until they are about 10-12 weeks with the doppler. Just so you don’t try it right when it arrives and get freaked out. And you’re right, there are no rules saying you can’t get a peek now and then to keep yourself calm =)

  3. pupmaker November 14, 2011 at 20:09 #

    I think the nervous feel has to replace the stress of being pregnant and in the end…. A Mother(!!!)
    take it easy mansies…. he is on his way (and you know why i wrote “he”)…. hehehe

  4. St. Elsewhere November 14, 2011 at 20:41 #

    It doesn’t get easier, but you have to try.

    Also just a tiny word on fetal heart doppler…they say you can hear the baby at 12 weeks, but actually it is 14-16 weeks when you can do so.

    Take Care! Good Luck!

    • Mo November 14, 2011 at 23:13 #

      I’ll make sure not to freak out if I don’t find it at first. It probably won’t arrive until I’m 11 or so weeks anyway…

      • melissa November 15, 2011 at 00:11 #

        it worked for me between 11 and 12 weeks. if you have a hard time finding the heartbeat, any chance you could take the doppler with you to your next appointment and see if they can help you find it?

  5. Rebecca November 14, 2011 at 20:46 #

    I’ve thought about purchasing a dopler too if I ever have a pregnancy make it that far. But I’m also afraid that if I buy it by the time it would come in I’d no longer have a reason to use it. I wish you all the best and hope that it sticks around for a long time to come.

  6. RelaxedNoMore November 14, 2011 at 21:08 #

    I think your shrink is right: you can’t just shed your past experience and shrug it off like an old coat. It’s part of you – and so is your anxiety. Just don’t let it overwhelm you and try to focus on your happiness and give the good feelings a little more space each day. You won’t jinx it by being happy!
    I wish I could beam you to Germany – here, you’d very probably be considered a “risk pregnancy” (normally nothing to fear, really, since everybody who’s pregnant and over 35 automatically gets that label), which would entitle you to get US scans every two weeks (I think) instead of every four…. and that wait is so much shorter…

  7. teejay November 14, 2011 at 21:30 #

    Your shrink is right….the pp are right….you have to give yourself a little slack to feel each and every one of the emotions that you are feeling. Getting over such pain and grief takes time. Emotions are never black and white. Plus, you are hormonal. 🙂 Take each day one at a time. No one can blame you (and you shouldn’t either) if you feel scared and stressed and all full of doom and what-not. It’s what you know, unfortunately. But you also are getting to know happy feelings and excitedness (is that even a word?)…and sometimes it’s ok to indulge in those as well. We are all here for you and we want you to keep your sanity as much as you do. 🙂 Again, you are doing a good job of just being YOU.

  8. Elphaba November 14, 2011 at 22:50 #

    Hey, when did I say I felt “pure unadulterated happiness”? I never suggested or said anything of the kind. I admit freely that I still get freaked out, I’m just saying at some point you can’t keep letting the fear consume you, that’s no way to live whatever the situation. Of course it’s a process and it takes time–I was probably about 20 weeks before I finally felt like I could begin to relax. There is no reason to feel guilt about anything.

    • Mo November 14, 2011 at 23:13 #

      You never did say that, it’s just my crazy self-hating guilt inducing interpretation. 🙂

  9. ababaderech November 14, 2011 at 23:40 #

    I have a suggestion for you. write a post about ten things that help you keep your anxiety down.
    It might help.

  10. internalplumbingissues November 15, 2011 at 00:03 #

    I get this post, which is sad for both of us, you probably have no idea who I am Mo, but be reassured that everything your mind is doing to you is normal after what you’ve experienced, as a couple of PP’s have said you can’t shrug this Sh*te off easily like a coat with no buttons.
    You want freaked out, fear induced mania? Just wait til the next pink line arrives here, I’ll join you over in crazy corner, where we can compare tics and twitches 🙂

  11. Esperanza November 15, 2011 at 00:06 #

    It is a process and for a long time it will seem like two steps forward, one step back. It might feel like that the whole time. You just have to try your best. That is all you can do.

    And get in for extra ultrasounds if you need to. I did that all the time when I was in the first trimester. It helped me stay (vaguely but not really) sane.

    Good luck

  12. libbylogic November 15, 2011 at 00:08 #

    I say indulge it. The more you do, the less it will niggle at you. And 130 dollars is a small price to pay to relax. It’s two massages.

  13. JM November 15, 2011 at 00:40 #

    Score one for vomit! Honestly, what pregnant woman isn’t nutso? Especially one who’s experienced loss.

    Stop kicking yourself for feeling the way you do- you’ll get past it. It sucks, but it’s your experience. You’ll get to the contented bliss point. Promise.

  14. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row November 15, 2011 at 01:48 #

    You are going to be fine. And if it takes 30 appointments with the Russian, so be it. Right? Love you!

  15. chon November 15, 2011 at 04:18 #

    so glad you posted this, makes me feel better for being stressed today.

    yay to another appointment and yay for the doppler 🙂

  16. Dawn November 15, 2011 at 08:27 #

    I just saw an interview Mariah Carrey did. She bought an ultrasound machine and did it like everyday. so, a doppler isn’t too over the top. 🙂 Soon enough you may be yelling at shmemby to stop kicking you in the ribs. 🙂

  17. cattiz j November 15, 2011 at 10:58 #

    Every emotion is fine, it’s nothing right or wrong here but it’s about were you are at that matters. Great you have someone to talk to and getting the doppler is also a good idea. Hopefully the happy slowly overtakes the anxiety but it will take the time you need. Be kind to yourself.

  18. Emily November 15, 2011 at 21:26 #

    If I had been through what you have I would probably be just as bad if not worse than you are now. Everything you are doing sounds like great ways to help your anxiety. I think you are doing great! Think about you often.

  19. Port of Indecision November 15, 2011 at 22:59 #

    Totally, totally, totally normal. Early pregnancy, while you’re really really REALLY waiting for the other shoe to drop (instead of simply waiting for the other shoe to drop), is so full of unknowns and uncertainties. Don’t freak if you can’t find anything on the home doppler though. I’m 24w and still can’t get anything on the one I have.

  20. jjiraffe November 18, 2011 at 06:39 #

    I totally understand being scared. Don’t feel guilty for being scared! Hang in there…

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