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I Have No Will Power. I Don’t Care.

6 Nov

So one of the few consistent symptoms I’ve been having is really vivid dreams.

Last night, I dreamt that a friend of mine was giving her kid a really outrageous 1st birthday party that somehow included Am.y Wine.house jumping over a row of babies, monster-truck style. At the party, I was surrounded by preggos and kids, and somewhere in the middle of all of that I was supposed to leave the party early to get an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was supposed to take place in this really big dystopian facility, and the woman who was supposed to give it to me went home and forgot about me, which meant I had to stay the night and wait for her to come back. Needless to say, dream me was NOT happy. There was definitely some screaming, crying, and pounding on glass windows of dream receptionists to try to force them to call the dream ultrasound woman back.

Today I left a message at the Russian’s clinic asking to reschedule for the 9th.

Because even dream me is starting to go a little batshit.

I was talking to Elphie today and she rightly pointed out that I will eventually need to get my anxiety under control, and better sooner rather than later.

She’s totally right. I know she is.

But first I need to see a heartbeat. Then I’ll work on getting zen. Until things steer in a different direction from where they’ve gone in the past, I will always assume the worst. And the only way to steer away from the past experiences is to see a freaking heartbeat.

Until I see a little flicker on that screen, I reserve the right to remain hysterical.

If all goes well this Wed. and we see that little flicker, I humbly request that all of you start bitch-slapping me into being more zen.

I just hope that now that I left that message I won’t be having any more weird ultrasound dreams. Especially involving A.my Wi.nehouse.

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13 Responses to “I Have No Will Power. I Don’t Care.”

  1. aprilvak November 6, 2011 at 00:43 #

    Fingers crossed he moves it up to Wednesday for you!!

    And then the bitch-slapping shall commence!

  2. Port of Indecision November 6, 2011 at 01:02 #

    That is one hell of a dream. I had lots of really vivid and really disturbing dreams throughout first tri. To the point I was really torn between dying to go to sleep and terrified to.

    The only thing that helped me maintain some sort of zen (though I’d really call it more indifference or resignation than zen. Yeah, resignation, actually) was realizing that the cards had been dealt, and this pg was either going to work or it was not, and that was already decided. Not in a god-fate-magical puppetmaster in the sky granting wishes sort of way, but in a biological fact sort of way – either this was a genetically normal fetus in the right place, or it was not. And that’s that.

    But regardless, I hope you get in soon 🙂

  3. iamstacey November 6, 2011 at 04:37 #

    ooo, let’s go back to bunny pics, ‘kay?
    I was that way my whole darn pregnancy. I hope it gets easier for you!

  4. RelaxedNoMore November 6, 2011 at 14:33 #

    Wow, what a dream – definitely the type that’s leave you all confused and bad-moody when you wake up.
    So hope that you’ll get to see that heartbeat on Wednesday and that you’ll feel better then!

  5. cattiz j November 6, 2011 at 15:24 #

    Hope you get the earlier appointment to ease your mind. Fingers crossed.

  6. LisaB November 6, 2011 at 16:13 #

    Thinking of you! I hope you feel more at ease when you see that precious heartbeat. I don’t blame you one bit for being so nervous!

  7. A. November 6, 2011 at 19:06 #

    Sending you so many good vibes for Wednesday, Mo!!! I am looking forward to hearing great news 🙂

  8. Emily November 6, 2011 at 21:05 #

    So hope you get the appt for Wednesday. I can’t wait for when you can become more zen and really start to enjoy the miracle.

  9. chon November 7, 2011 at 01:41 #

    Let’s be honest love you have had a rough trot so anxiety is par for the course (where the hell did I get that stupid saying, I don’t even like gold). How about for each day you don’t stress to much you can treat yourself to some amazing Israeli chocolate because the baby likes that?? hmmm sounds like a good trade off. And the 9th it’s like two more sleeps. Which is awesome! Thinking of you xxx

  10. mothernatureschmature November 7, 2011 at 07:23 #

    Poor thing I hope it gets easier, can’t even escape in to sleep! =\

  11. St. Elsewhere November 7, 2011 at 14:16 #

    Vivid dreams….such a sore pain really.

    1. Elphie is correct.

    2. I am rooting for you to see the bub’s heartbeat.

    3. Amy Winehouse?

  12. Natalie November 8, 2011 at 01:11 #

    Something about “bitch slap you into zen” seems like it won’t work.

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