30 Oct

So I know I’ve been away. Yes, some of it has been due to the craziness of the move. Some of it has been because when I’m not packing, unpacking, or working, I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

But there’s another reason, a more honest one.

I feel like an imposter.

Today, I’m 6 weeks, 2 days pregnant. During my last two pregnancies, this is about the time I started noticing blood, things going wrong.

This time around, I’ve got progesterone. Which means if things aren’t going wrong, I won’t know it. I have to sit around and wait for our next appointment to see if I have snowball’s chance in hell of carrying this baby to term.

I’ve never seen a heartbeat, not once. And I’m so used to that, I kind of feel like there’s no chance I’ll ever see one. Everyone here has been so happy for me, so supportive, and that’s great. But the fact is that I’m scared out of my wits. Because I had a good feeling about this from day one. Because Shmerson did too. Everybody did, really.

That scares me. Because if we lose this baby then where do we go from here? I don’t know if I have anything left to go yet another round. I don’t know if I have the strength.

And I don’t know how to blog about it. And I don’t know how to comment on everyone still in the trenches. Because I know some of you guys still going through this are in pain, because I’ve managed a pregnancy. But I’m not over the hump, not even close. And I feel like all I can do right now is complain about how scared I am, and count down the days until our next ultrasound. And that makes me feel even more guilty, because I should be happy about this, right?

And when the ultrasound comes, all I can do is hope against all hope, that this time we’ll see a heartbeat.

And hope against all hope that seeing that heartbeat won’t make me more afraid than I am already.

44 Responses to “Disconnect”

  1. Tricia October 30, 2011 at 23:08 #

    I don’t know if the fear will ever end. It’s always there. Fear over not getting pregnant, fear over losing it if you do. I am so hopeful for you

  2. Jem October 30, 2011 at 23:16 #

    I’m 13w6 days and every day has been filled with both joy and apprehension. I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” It’s perfectly normal.

    That said, it is important to embrace being pregnant and love it.

  3. RelaxedNoMore October 30, 2011 at 23:36 #

    I can imagine how you must be feeling, caught between fear and hope. Just don’t let your fear overwhelm you – hold on the hope and keep thinking good thoughts (I know, easy to say, hard to do). And never, ever feel guilty because you managed to achieve this pregnancy! You’ve been through so much.
    I’m so keeping my fingers crossed for you. That heartbeat is waiting to be seen.

    (btw, if you’re wondering: this is Diana from Germany, I changed my nick)

  4. Jjiraffe October 31, 2011 at 00:02 #

    Oh, Mo. I’ve been worried about you. Pregnancy after loss is really scary: I remember. You are not an imposter and we are all behind you. No matter what. Many hugs and take care.

  5. missohkay October 31, 2011 at 00:15 #

    This space is your space and you shouldn’t worry about inadvertently hurting anyone else. Unless you’re skipping down the road yelling “see ya later barren bitches!” I’d take offense to that. I’ve been thinking of you and worrying for you. Hang in there.

    • Jjiraffe October 31, 2011 at 02:17 #

      “See ya later barren bitches!” Ha!

    • aprilvak October 31, 2011 at 02:22 #

      I think we’d have to chase down anyone who said that with pitchforks and torches.

      • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:21 #

        Oh! Can I say it with irony? Because it’s freaking hilarious!

  6. chon October 31, 2011 at 00:26 #

    it is something that every infertile blogger worries about, writing about their pregnancy and hurting other people. Which is really lovely of you but the whole point of your blog was that you were trying to get pregnant and you did. If people don’t want to read it they can unfollow you. This is your space to write about your feelings and get support from those that love you. I unfollowed a few newly pregnant bloggers but only because I hadn’t formed relationships with them, and this is ok. But I highly doubt that anyone could begrudge for one second your happiness giving everything you have been through. And snap on the anxiety. Even tho it was only 1 m/c as I find myself getting closer to 5w5d I start to worry. But we will get there Mo. If you are worried just get another BT to check your levels. Do anything you need to do to put your head in the right place. Remember Eled. xoxo

    • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:21 #

      You are amazing.

  7. Infertile Days October 31, 2011 at 00:37 #

    Its totally OK to blog about being scared… I already know if I do get pregnant I will be scared too. Its going to be a struggle just to enjoy it because its been such a long bumpy road to get there.

    I guess pregnant or not, were all doing this one day at a time.

    Wishing you all the best.

  8. Slackie O. October 31, 2011 at 01:11 #

    Poor Mo… I’m sorry you’re so scared. It’s no surprise though, is it? I think I’d be worried about your sanity if you WEREN’T scared at this point. It’s hard to believe that things can go right when they’ve only gone wrong in the past. I hope that didn’t just make it worse…

    What I mean to say is, it’s OK. You aren’t an impostor. You need to be real and honest because that is what this space is for and that is why we are all here. Your fear is normal and understandable. And eventually, even BAD luck runs out. I’m gonna go with that. Your bad luck has just run out and it’s only the good stuff from here on out!

    • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:22 #

      Oh nice one! Thanks!

  9. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row October 31, 2011 at 01:17 #

    Oh mama. I love you. And it will be ok. We are all here for yOu no matter what.

  10. boncheri05 October 31, 2011 at 01:31 #

    I agree with MissOhKay — this is your space… if you can’t express your feelings of fear, joy, sadness on your own blog…what is the world coming to?

    You should definitely not feel guilty for being worried….that’s natural…especially after everything you’ve gone through – and if anyone can’t understand that, and gives you grief for expressing your fears…then they’re nutz.

    I am over the moon happy for you, but also know how terrifying this all is for you (even though I’ve never been there myself and will never truly understand how you feel)…so feel free to be 100% honest and if you need a place to speak freely – this is it.
    But – if you don’t feel that you can, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we respect that…. (as long as you keep us updated)

    But please – don’t avoid blogging for fear of upsetting one of us…. You’re emotions are real and natural….nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for!!

  11. K October 31, 2011 at 02:19 #

    I’m so happy for you, and I love reading IF blogs after the blogger becomes pregnant–it gives me hope and it provides a perspective on pregnancy that you don’t get from the fertile world. That said, and I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but I’m kind of scared for you too, as I am with all IFers who get pregnant, only because I’ve watched (read) as they’ve gone through so much pain and heartache, and I sometimes wonder…how can any person take any more pain? Plus, and this is a little more selfish but, I have yet to get pregnant, but getting pregnant and then losing it is perhaps the biggest fear of my life…maybe even a little scarier than never getting pregnant at all–so when I’m reading an IF blog and they’ve gotten pregnant, I keep close watch to be sure that everything is going smoothly and that they’re happy and healthy because, again, it gives me that much more hope for myself. I don’t know, all this is to say that fear is totally understandable, but we’re all rooting the heck out for you.

  12. aprilvak October 31, 2011 at 02:20 #

    Mo, I love you. All of this sounds perfectly normal, I can’t imagine anyone criticizing you for feeling this way. I’ll be here anytime you’re ready to say anything you need to say.

  13. mrs. brightside October 31, 2011 at 03:10 #

    From someone still in the trenches, and someone who has lost pregnancies, I understand that where you are is a terrifying place. And that you shouldn’t feel bad about sharing that here, because here you have people who understand. Maybe IRL la-la land where most people are blissfully ignorant that something can go wrong it doesn’t fly so well. But here WE GET IT. And want to support you through it. And while I hope with everything I have that you won’t have to, if something does go wrong you WILL find the strength to deal with it and move forward. You’ve already proven to yourself how strong you are; you can be scared but don’t doubt your strength as a couple to get through whatever lies ahead. Deep breaths, one day at a time…

  14. me0me October 31, 2011 at 03:20 #

    Can I just say I would be happier if you actually hoped for a heartbeat and not ‘hoped against hope’? Hope that’s acceptable 🙂

  15. Emily October 31, 2011 at 05:27 #

    I am one still “in the trenches” and I am so happy you are sharing your feelings. I personally enjoy hearing about everything weather it be happy, sad, scared or anything else. Like others have said, we are here for you. Love and prayers.

  16. Port of Indecision October 31, 2011 at 05:41 #

    I was totally disconnected at the beginning of this pregnancy too. It’s a weird fucking spot to be in, the beginning stages of pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier. And I do believe that while we relate very much to each other and can offer a lot of support and are largely going through the same thing, I think the reaction to/dealing with early pregnancy is different for a habitual aborter than it is for an “infertile infertile.” Sorry, but “just be thankful you’re pregnant” does NOT work for someone who is newly pregnant with an ass-ton of miscarriages under her belt.

    • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:22 #

      Hear hear!

      • missohkay November 1, 2011 at 18:26 #

        Yes! I hate the idea that I’m supposed to appreciate my ability to get pregnant and then spontaneously abort it. Sorry, that particular feat does me no good.

        • RelaxedNoMore November 1, 2011 at 21:38 #

          You’re all so right! Strangely enough, that was some of what I felt after my miscarriage/bio-chemical pregnancy in August. After 9 months of trying (yes, I know, that’s not really long, but since I’ll turn 40 in less than a year and a half, my hormone levels look as if I had passed 40 already, and I so much want to have my baby before then, I’ve got quite some pressure going on) and not knowing whether I could get pregnant at all, that was the slight bit of hope I got from it. It still sucked major-league, though. And now there’s even more pressure because of the fear of another MC.

  17. Whoismom October 31, 2011 at 06:10 #

    Mo, I think you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. As one still in the trenches I’m pulling for any happy stories!

  18. Lise October 31, 2011 at 09:33 #

    I don’t know if this is helpful but when I was on progesterone with my pregnancy in March, it did not stop my body from showing when something was wrong and I miscarried. Sure, the miscarriage wasn’t complete until I stopped the progesterone and probably the progesterone delayed it a bit, but when things went wrong I was spotting and bleeding A LOT and the pregnancy symptoms faded away. Considering all your pregnancy symptoms I think your are fine! I have a good feeling about it! Don’t feel guilty, I think we all understand…

    • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:22 #

      Thanks Lise, that makes me feel loads better.

  19. cattiz j October 31, 2011 at 11:49 #

    I’m thinking of you and I’m really sorry this is such a difficult time.

  20. internalplumbingissues October 31, 2011 at 12:08 #

    Dear Mo, I just want to give you a hug and hold your hand, you aren’t an imposter, *shakes head emphatically NOT AT ALL! I can totally, whole heartedly feel that place you are in, nothing can erase what has happened before, I still POAS with trepidation! I have never seen a heartbeat either, I am in that weird place (it sounds like you are too) where I can’t equate a + with a pregnancy. I hope with all my heart that your scan will ease your fears. You are one of the community and because of that we are all behind you 100%.
    Lou x

  21. Theresa October 31, 2011 at 13:02 #

    I know I’m a new follower and am basically repeating what everyone else said, but it’s your blog so write about what you want! We in the trenches appreciate your caring about our feelings but it doesn’t mean we don’t wish you the best. Fingers crossed for you. I personally spend so much time worrying about not getting pregnant that I have no idea how much I’ll worry when I do!

  22. St. Elsewhere October 31, 2011 at 14:32 #

    Given the heartache that has already gone into the previous pregnancies for you, I can make some grasp at how unnerving it must be.

    What if I decide to give in and relish the thought of this child only to know that the baby isn’t going to come at its due time?

    You know what, the next appointment can come fast enough, and even if you can’t let your self go, we will hold your hope for you, and gut feelings are often correct.

    Good Luck! And I pray that you have not a snowball, but a Himalaya sized chance of bringing this baby home, pooping and crying on you.


  23. Cookie with Milk October 31, 2011 at 15:49 #

    *hugs* Oh, Mo. I totally understand that disconnect, and I think it’s perfectly normal. Why do you think I disappeared from my blog for 10 weeks at the beginning of this pregnancy? It’s because I didn’t know what to write, what to feel, what to think. I spent the first 14 weeks or so of this pregnancy in some sort of daze designed to protect me from pain. I have a relatively “easy” infertility story, and I can’t even begin to imagine how much more complex this has to be for you.

    Also, this blog is your space. It’s here for you to sort out YOUR thoughts and feelings. Think of it as your own home. The fact that the rest of us get to come around and put our feet up on your coffee table and gab is just a nice bonus. If you need to, you can throw us all out, lock the door, Lysol the coffee table, and use your space the way you want to. Heck, post nothing but bunny gifs for the next 27 posts, and I’ll still keep reading. Because it would mean you’re still chugging along. One way or another.

    In the end, you have to do what’s best for you. If that means not blogging, so be it. I do regret not blogging in those weeks I was gone, mostly because I wish I could compare what I’m feeling now with what I was feeling then. But I don’t think I had the ability to string together a coherent sentence. If you feel the same way, then by all means, take the time. Just check in with us once in a while (even if it is just a bunny gif).

    • Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:23 #

      You ooze awesome sauce. Just putting that out there.

  24. LisaB October 31, 2011 at 16:32 #

    I know those feelings all to well. It’s so hard. I am thinking of you and sending out lots of positive vibes. I hope you can hang in there. Big hugs.

  25. Alexis October 31, 2011 at 20:11 #

    My number three or number five stuck (I never got betas on two so I don’t know if I can count them) and every time I was petrified of D-day, the day I lost the earlier ones. It’s such a chest-crushing, panicked feeling. When I heard and saw the heartbeat right around 6w I cried huge tears of relief and of even more fear that I’d lose this one too. I understand the disconnect. I find it really hard to be excited about this baby while still mourning the ones I lost. It’s really difficult and I don’t think many people outside this community get it. I also feel incredibly guilty that I’m in physical pain and a year ago this is all I wanted. I really, really, really, really, really hope this stays for you and I don’t think anyone in this community would ever be upset with you for being pregnant. Unless of course, you start to complain about how much weight you’ve put on or are “skipping down the road yelling ‘see ya later barren bitches!'” 😉

  26. Mo October 31, 2011 at 20:24 #

    Thank you everyone. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of your support. I don’t know what I would do without you guys.

  27. melissa October 31, 2011 at 23:33 #

    is it possible for you to get an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat sooner? my OB was able to confirm when i was 6w 5d, but i’m also in the US so i don’t know if the rules are different.

  28. Wannabemom November 1, 2011 at 01:21 #

    Everyone has already said what I was going to say, but dude, it would be weird if you weren’t terrified! Hopefully, as you pass each milestone, you can breathe a little easier until your baby comes home. Anyone who doesn’t get that can stop reading… and they will.

    “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” Dr. Seuss

  29. Kristen November 1, 2011 at 02:32 #

    Mo, hang in there! It’s a fallacy that once you get pregnant it’s all joy. Of course you are so happy to be pregnant but when things have gone wrong in the past you still fell like you are in the middle of trying…at least that’s how I felt. I didn’t feel like I’d “made it to the other side” at all. After the time passed when I had lost my last pregnancy, I started to feel better, but I still get scared sometimes. It’s OK to be scared. And it’s OK to still be here and be blogging…however you are feeling. I felt like when I got pregnant the women who were still trying wouldn’t want to be around me anymore and I’m sure that was true in some cases but it was also true in a lot of cases that they (women like you!) were just as wonderful and supportive as ever.
    Sending you lots of hugs and love. It’s so tough, this waiting. Praying everything turns out perfectly, perfectly, perfectly for you!

  30. Flowergirl November 1, 2011 at 13:53 #

    Your blog, so post what you want, and remember this blog is actually about you becoming a mummy, so carry on posting away until you feel you have achieved whatever end to that journey is for you. If anyone doesn’t want to read, then don’t!

  31. marriage20 November 1, 2011 at 16:18 #

    Do you remember when I wrote that post about feeling like an imposter at the child care info session, and you yelled at me through your computer screen that I’m not an imposter? Well… right back at you!! 🙂 You are not an imposter!!! You are understandably scared out of your mind, but you are doing great. I am out of my tree happy for you, and I know that, no matter what happens, you will continue to be the strong, beautiful woman that you are. xoxox

  32. teejay November 1, 2011 at 18:34 #

    It’s totally normal to be afraid. You are scarred by what has happened to you in the past. No one can blame you for that. I’m nervous for you but I’m still really happy, too. That’s my honest opinion. I honestly get nervous when I see that you have updated. Fear is what IF does to us…especially to the RPL’s ladies. I read several blogs of RPL’s and I get nervous when they update. However, I do my best to keep them calm and positive. That’s what I’m going to do here.

    You have to take this one day at a time, just like everything else you did to get here. Enjoy it as much as you can and let the smiles come when you see fit. Nothing productive can come from stress and worry. Besides, being scared and worried now won’t make it hurt any less if something bad happens.

    You’ve had a good feeling and so has your hubby…just go with it. I’m going with it. I’m going with the thought that you will see that heartbeat and that everything will be fine. Hang in there as best you can. Also know that we are here for you, cheering you on from the sidelines!

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