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Eled

20 Oct

Last night at around 4am, I was still lying awake. I started thinking about the little one growing inside of me. I thought about how I already love that baby. So fast, but it’s already there.

Then I thought about what would happen if I lose the baby. All I saw was me breaking. Completely. No more. I can’t take any more.

I woke Shmerson up and he comforted me. He had a serious talk with the Shmembryo too, telling him or her to snuggle in and grow strong, because we’re waiting.

I thought about all of the people around me who have announced healthy pregnancies, who are well into their second or third trimesters. There are so many of them now. And I yelled out “It isn’t fair.”

It isn’t fair that all of these women get to go around blissful. And me – not even five weeks along, and already scared. I’m trying. I’m really really trying to not let these thoughts consume me. Most of the time I’m successful, but there’s nothing much to distract me when I battle a serious case of insomnia at 4am.

Tonight we were at my parents’ house for dinner. Yesterday, my mom went to this open air market and met a woman who sells Kaballah Jewelry. My mom isn’t really religious or spiritual, but sometimes she clings to these things in moments of extreme pain or desperation. She told the woman about our losses. The woman sold my mom a ring. Tonight my mom gave me the ring.

It’s not really my taste, but I haven’t taken it off. I’m sure it means something in Kaballah terms. I don’t really care. What I care about is the word on the ring. Three letters, spelling the word “eled”. It’s a single word in Hebrew meaning “I will give birth.” Amazing how three simple letters can convey that, isn’t it?

I will give birth.

Eled.

It’s not my taste, but I don’t think I’m going to be taking it off. I keep looking at it, reading the word over and over again in my head.

I think it’s a pretty good gift.

On Friday I’m going in for an appointment with the Russian. Yes, it’s soon. but I would never forgive myself if I didn’t go.

I’m going to do it right this time.

Please please let it be different.

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23 Responses to “Eled”

  1. me0me October 20, 2011 at 01:29 #

    Hoping and praying with you. Love.

  2. chon October 20, 2011 at 01:34 #

    It absolutely BREAKS my heart to hear you in pain and wondering where this pregnancy will lead you. It is totally normal and understandable. Whilst slightly different that is what I am like with this IVF cycle. What if it doesn’t work again? Why me? I mean 4/5 haven’t worked so why should this be any different? And you try so hard to push those negative thoughts away because god forbid those thoughts are responsible for the bad things that have happened to us. But our circumstances have dictated these emotions.

    I adore that ring and the words and the context it was given in. If it is any consolation I just feel that this one is the one for you.

    You do whatever you have to do to have peace in your heart and your mind and don’t ever feel guilty about it.

    hugs xoxo

  3. Belle October 20, 2011 at 01:39 #

    Oh Mo, this ring is the kindest gift. What a wonderful reminder of what should be your new mantra. And kudos to your mom for thinking of you like this. You will give birth, I know it. Hang in there and do whatever you need to stay positive. Mr. Husband and I and all four of our cats are cheering you on all the way from Kentucky. xoxo

  4. bloggingreluctantly October 20, 2011 at 01:57 #

    Love the ring, and have been thinking about you and can’t wait to hear updates! Like you told me doubling is good…very good. Hugs!

  5. K October 20, 2011 at 01:59 #

    Hi sweetie… the ring is beautiful!!! I can’t imagine how scary this must be for you, and being scared is ok. But don’t be scared to be happy too. Being happy is ok too. We’re all happy for you! Best of luck with the Russian. 🙂

  6. Advo.cat October 20, 2011 at 02:00 #

    Ahh yes, the 4am freakout. Now with the advent of PVR, the 4am freakout is much more enjoyable. I like to watch recorded episodes of my favourite shows while bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating (thought trying to keep it muffled so the husband doesn’t wake up). I can’t say I know for sure everything is going to be ok, but I know that you’re due for some good stuff and I’m rooting for you!

  7. Betsy October 20, 2011 at 03:19 #

    I am very hopeful for you! Sending thoughts and prayers!

  8. Christina October 20, 2011 at 03:33 #

    I love it! That is so thoughtful and fantastic of your mom. Just keep the mantra going. It will happen!

    Looking forward to the rundown of The Russian’s appt.

  9. Mrs. Corrock October 20, 2011 at 05:05 #

    What a thoughtful gift from your mother. I hope it is an inspiration to you to keep positive and onset for the future. I told a friend of mine who just announce her 2nd pregnancy after she lost her first and I want to share with you…. Enjoy this pregnancy, even if you are scared as a mofo. You will never get this time again with this baby.

    praying for you.

  10. Esperanza October 20, 2011 at 05:18 #

    I hope this one is different too. Very much.

  11. Lise October 20, 2011 at 09:18 #

    I’m still recovering from my ectopic (so no new pregnancy yet) but I totally understand how you feel. It’s so sad to know that I will never be able to just enjoy those first months of pregnancy. I will be afraid to lose another baby. A friend of mine lost two pregnancies before she had a healthy baby, but that time she didn’t tell ANYONE (except her husband of course) until she was 20 weeks. She was just too afraid. I fear that I will be the same if I ever get pregnant again 😦

  12. vixenfern October 20, 2011 at 10:13 #

    we’re all on team hope right? so keep your hopes up, yours is an inspiring story of pregnancy…i know that this pregnancy is for you, everything will be alright.

  13. cattiz j October 20, 2011 at 11:24 #

    I will give birth. Beautiful words, and how thoughtful of your mom.

  14. St. Elsewhere October 20, 2011 at 15:15 #

    Your mum gave you such a beautiful gift. The message it carries is wonderful.

    I pray that it will be different this time. It will be.

    Take Care!

  15. Whoismom October 20, 2011 at 16:08 #

    I think this is why they call that pre-dawn time “the hour of the wolf. ” our worst fears always seem to come out right about then. I have the same thoughts every time i see a pregnant woman or someone pushing an infant in a stroller–“Why mot me???” but i try to remind myself that i dont know their stories, what they’ve had to go through, or what struggles they’ve faced. I’m thinking of you Mo! Got everything crossed for you.

  16. sassyntubeless October 20, 2011 at 17:26 #

    sending lots of love and hugs!! that ring is perfect for you to wear for the next 9 months 🙂 and im so happy you get to see the Russian on friday! gives you better peace of mind 🙂 xoxxoo

  17. Kristen October 20, 2011 at 20:24 #

    So, so sorry you are scared. It’s so hard, and I remember that feeling so well of it not being fair. Don’t know if this helps at all but even in my second trimester I’m not walking around blissful all the time. Just the other day I sat on the couch with my husband and cried and cried for no reason, I just kept telling him if anything happens to these babies I can’t do this any more. I know my chances of something happening are lower now, but the fear is still there, at least some of the time.
    4 AM is the worst. Hang in there. Glad you have an appt. on Friday. So hoping the best for you!!!! Lots of hugs to you during this tough time.
    XOXOX
    PS That ring is a beautiful gift…

  18. missohkay October 20, 2011 at 20:57 #

    The ring is wonderful, and the ring is right. I can feel it!

  19. embracingtherain October 20, 2011 at 22:52 #

    Congratulations! Love the ring. I hope that things continue to go well with this pregnancy.

  20. Kelly October 20, 2011 at 22:57 #

    Sometimes on this journey it seems like once you clear one hurdle, another, and then another can potentially come up. I’m very hopeful for you, you’re an inspiration to me! Wishing you all the best.

  21. A. October 21, 2011 at 08:52 #

    Pretty awesome ring – I love it! Thinking of you today – I have a good feeling that the news is going to be so, so different and so, so wonderful this time around.

  22. robin October 24, 2011 at 00:44 #

    What a great ring and thoughtful gift. It’s kind of like a piece of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) jewelry 🙂

  23. Rachel December 13, 2011 at 23:51 #

    OMG I want one!!!! Not that G-d and I are speaking these days (we have a really dysfunctional relationship, when I do actually believe there is one) but I think that the idea behind it is SUPER neat! :)))

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