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Let the Great Toilet Paper Dance Begin

13 Oct

First off, thank you all for your awesome comments yesterday. They made me feel so incredibly loved. Seriously. You are all awesome.

Oh! And the FRERy godmother came through and courtesy of JM I got to pee on a Rolls Royce this morning! Yay! It was fun seeing that second line.

But tonight – I kind of started to freak out.

And for the most messed up reasons ever.

I’m kind of freaking out because I’m feeling good. I know, that’s weird.

It’s sooo early. But my gut has been telling me that everything is going to be fine. I felt it the moment that the Shmembryo* was created. I had this overwhelming sense of peace and joy, and I looked at Shmerson and said: “We just made a baby, and it’s going to be fine this time”.

Now I’m scared. Because there’s still a chance it isn’t. There’s still a chance that the stabby pains in my back mean the Shmembryo is digging into the wrong place. There’s still a chance that this will be a chemical because it’s so freaking early. There are so many things that can go wrong.

Yesterday I walked around in a state of bliss. Today I’ve been feeling every twinge and going to the bathroom way too often to make sure I’m not bleeding.

I want to enjoy this so much. I keep telling myself that there’s no point in worrying, because if something is wrong, it’s already wrong and there’s nothing I can do to change that. And if all is well, I need to enjoy this, because I will regret not enjoying this pregnancy if all is well.

I need to enjoy this. I want to be joyful. I honestly love love love being pregnant. My first pregnancy, until I found out about the blighted ovum, with all the hormonal craziness, was awesome. I think pregnancy suits me. I thrive when I’m knocked up.  Or at least the first time. And I really want that again. Without all of this stupid anxiety.

Dear Shmembryo, please dig in. In your mommy’s uterus, not her tube, thankyouverymuch. I promise to feed you lots of yummy stuff and sing you silly songs and love you like crazy once you come out (and before that too). Ok?

*Shmembryo is courtesy of Cookie. I personally think it’s the best. Nickname. Ever. Thanks Cookie! You funny me, and i have officially stolen your funny.

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21 Responses to “Let the Great Toilet Paper Dance Begin”

  1. mothernatureschmature October 13, 2011 at 01:27 #

    I will SO be thinking of you and your Shmembryo! I hope for you that this is it! You are always so wonderful to everyone here, you deserve the same kind of support! I’m glad you felt loved!

  2. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row October 13, 2011 at 01:46 #

    I feel good about this one too. I really want all of this goodness to be real. I’m thinking this is the one. Seriously. Xoxo

  3. bloggingreluctantly October 13, 2011 at 01:51 #

    Crossing everything and sending you and baby good thoughts and love!!!!!! Hang in there you two!!

  4. Port of Indecision October 13, 2011 at 03:20 #

    I love Shmembryo. It’s pretty awesome. I hope the Shmembryo lives it up in your shmuterus for the next 36 weeks or so.

  5. bodegabliss October 13, 2011 at 04:30 #

    It’s really not easy and may continue to be a battle in your head for a while between trying to be positive and freaking the F out. My therapist would tell me to just accept the feeling and then try and let it go. You’re going to feel what you’re going to feel, and you shouldn’t ignore any of them. Just don’t hold onto the negative ones for very long if you can help it. And it sounds like you’re doing pretty well at that (like your feeling that this one is going to stick).

    Go Shmembryo, go! (Just make sure you head for the uterus this time! OR ELSE).

  6. aprilvak October 13, 2011 at 06:06 #

    I love Shmembryo too! There’s no way he can resist all these happy proper navigational thoughts!

  7. cablearms October 13, 2011 at 11:14 #

    We’re rooting for you, little one! And you too, Mo! Hang in there. xo

  8. Belle October 13, 2011 at 11:17 #

    My brother is the biggest worrier I have ever known. His worry stories are sadly hilarious, but I will spare him the humiliation… That said, there was one particular night that he was sitting in his sofa with his roomie, eating raw spinach from the bag (he is unique like that) and worrying out loud about a lump in his arm. “Hey, Hey man, can you feel this? What do you think it is… should I get this checked…” and so on. Just as the worry was cranking up to epic levels his roomie looked at him, snatched away his spinach and told him to “Knock it off” in a super yankee grandmother accent. It took him a few seconds but then he started to laugh at how ridiculous his constant worrying was. And then he knocked it off and returned to his bag of snacks (spinach – weirdo). The spinach had never tasted sweeter.

    All this said, Mo, knock it off. You and I and everyone here know there is nothing our collective worrying can do (and I believe we are all worrying for you as most of us seem to be that kind of obsessive worrying type). Your gut tells you everything is going to be ok. Take that reassurance and try try try to enjoy these early days. You will never get Day 5 of this pregnancy back.

    Savor today, like my brother savors spinach.

    *big hugs*

  9. Flowergirl (@Flowergirl_15) October 13, 2011 at 12:49 #

    goodness, congrats, this is really good news. I missed the past couple of days as busy at work, and there you go and get yourself knocked up! Hope this progresses well for you.
    FG x

  10. cattiz j October 13, 2011 at 14:48 #

    That cat is so cute! And the nickname Shmembryo is perfect =)

    • JM October 13, 2011 at 18:13 #

      I LOVE that I’m am a FRERy godmother. Love it.

      And shmembryo? Fantastic. So when do you get to go in to the dr and find out more about the shmembryo? Inquiring minds want to know!

      So, so happy for you guys.

  11. Wendy October 13, 2011 at 17:09 #

    Your good news has made my day! Congrats!!!!!

  12. Suzanna Catherine October 13, 2011 at 20:18 #

    As a World Class Worrier myself, I so understand you feelings. Maybe you could let all of us do the worrying for you and you can concentrate on enjoying this special time.

    We’ve got your back on this one!

    ((hugs))

  13. Kristen October 13, 2011 at 20:51 #

    Love Shmembryo! Too cute!
    And I know you so want to feel happy and joyful and relaxed and like you have never had any sort of TTC/pregnancy complication…I think it’s great that you’re striving for that but it’s OK if that’s not the reality. You have been through the wringer and it’s HARD to relax and enjoy after all that’s happened.
    I know everyone’s different, but for me I was super scared with this pregnancy up until the point I lost my last baby (9 weeks), and after that the fear really totally went away. Doesn’t help much for you in the short term, but at least know you are not necessarily doomed to fear and anxiety for your entire pregnancy.
    I’m so glad you’ve had such a good feeling about this from the start!
    So, so happy for you! 🙂
    Hugs…
    XOXO

  14. sassyntubeless October 13, 2011 at 22:21 #

    HUGS i know how hard it is to relax and enjoy every moment!!! I think after your u/s you will feel so much better!! Hang in there sweets!! xoxoxoox

  15. Christina October 14, 2011 at 01:41 #

    I love Shmembryo!

    And don’t stress too much about worrying. I still have moments of intense TP contemplations even at 27w. Just try to enjoy the ride, however far you get to take it (hopefully the whole 9 yards, er months).

  16. slcurwin October 14, 2011 at 02:25 #

    Oh, hun. That is so crappy. The truth is that even with the Dr telling you everything is perfect, you’ll still freak out at times. And that’s what you have us for. So you can panic away and get it off your chest, then we’ll talk you down or just listen, depending on what you need at the time.
    I’ll sing you silly songs to distract you if you’d like too.

  17. Theresa October 14, 2011 at 04:29 #

    I’m a new reader, but wanted to say that I understand! I’ve not been able to get pregnant yet but after as long as its been, sometimes I wonder if I’ll even be able to enjoy it knowing all that can go wrong! Fingers crossed!

  18. marriage20 October 14, 2011 at 19:31 #

    Sorry I haven’t been posting or commenting much, but I’ve been reading, so I wanted to stop by and say CONGRATS and FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED for you that this works out as we all hope it will. I know it’s super scary, but you are doing great, my brave friend. xo

  19. LisaB October 14, 2011 at 19:52 #

    Sorry, I’m late to the party – CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!! So excited for you! STICK BABY STICK!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Go and soar, Nadav « Cablearms - February 23, 2012

    […] for the ramblings. I’m not trying to make this about me, but I feel so guilty that when Mo announced her pregnancy, I sent her an email saying it was too hard for me to publicly congratulate her as I was too […]

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