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Bloggity Blah

7 Oct

I know, I know, I didn’t post anything for Group Therapy Thursday yesterday. I’m sorry. But, alas, in my defense, it would have been a two question post. So you know, get on it if you want one next week. Maybe I should stop doing them? I don’t know, everything has been kind of making me feel down lately, and I’m wondering whether doing one once a week (or even at all) may not be interesting. I don’t mean to guilt you guys. But I’m wondering if I should keep it going…

Yeah, things are kind of blah. I’m so tired. Ori’s funeral was yesterday, and it was a beautiful ceremony, but it just felt so surreal. I went with Squish, and it was one of those situations where you can’t quite imagine you’re actually going through this. Standing there, watching one of your closest friends read a poem over her partner’s grave. Not technically a widow because they weren’t married, but a widow nonetheless. It was a mind fuck.

This was the second time in my life I was at a funeral of a musician who had died too young. The funeral brought me back to one I attended almost ten years ago. Standing there I felt overwhelmed, and tired. And old. Not like, senior citizen old, but my age old.

My friend – a widow.

And Steve Jobs died. And that made me sad too. I’ve been an apple freak since I first got a grape colored imac my sophomore year of college. The world lost some amazing people in the last few days, and that has left me feeling pretty heavy.

It also got me thinking about how the circle of life works, and about my unending need to be a mother. I guess the urgency of loss brought it back to the surface with a vengeance. I spent 3 hours in traffic on the way home from the funeral, and I spent some of that time talking to a potentially growing embryo in my body. I had an out-loud talk, telling it to find it’s way, to dig in in the right place. To grow strong so that it can see the home I’ve been working so hard to make for it. I felt like a crazy woman.

Even more than usual.

I’ve been feeling so stuck lately. Not depressed, just on hold. And I feel like the only thing that will unstick me is a baby. i hate that feeling. As much as I’ve embraced it in the last couple of months, it doesn’t make the stuck-ness any less sucky. Steve Jobs’ Stanford speech has been popping up everywhere, and since I first saw it a couple of years back, with every viewing I think to myself how I need to do what I love. So what do you do when the one thing in the world that you think you’ll love more than anything is so elusive?

At my therapists’ on Wed. she reminded me once again that there’s a whole full world of Mo outside of the mommy thing. That I shouldn’t ignore my ambitions and desires while waiting to be a mother. But my desire clouds everything else. To the point where I don’t truly know what I want, apart from this. And that frustrates me.

I’m 5 DPO, I’m going to hold off at least until 8 DPO to test (yes! the poll kinda worked!) but I so want this to be the month, and I’m scared that if it isn’t I’ll be upset.

I’m also scared that I get a positive. There’s a part of me that has become convinced that this next pregnancy is going to stick. But what if it doesn’t? I’ve been pushing that thought out of my mind lately, but the last few days it’s been creeping back in.

Urgh.

Yeah – this post has been a rambling downer. Sorry guys.

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14 Responses to “Bloggity Blah”

  1. babycrazykiwi October 7, 2011 at 21:11 #

    Oh I so how you feel right now. The part about being stuck and a baby being the only thing to unstick you rings so true to me. I think that the times we really NEED to be posting is when we’re feeling down, much better to get it out than dwell on it inside. As for therapy Thursdays why not once a month if weekly isn’t working. I really enjoy reading them even though I don’t have questions to contribute.
    Sorry to hear of your loss this week. Take care of yourself. I’m thinking of you xx

  2. alexmmr October 7, 2011 at 21:38 #

    I know this feeling, and it’s hard to write about because it’s not an active thing. It’s just another day still stuck on hold or in limbo.

    I was a freelance videographer. Right around the time we started actively TTC, my business started going down the tubes with the economy crash. It was really easy to just let it go because of the great timing, I was about to be focusing on being a mommy anyway.

    And here I am, 2 years later, with potential mommyness always just a few weeks in front of me. So I can’t work on building anything else because I’m just going to have to abandon it in a couple of weeks anyway.

    Blurg.

  3. Port of Indecision October 7, 2011 at 23:41 #

    I’m so sorry about your friend’s husband. What a terrible tragedy. I agree with you – married or not, she’s a widow. There’s nothing that legal document provides that wasn’t already there.

    And Jobs, well, what an innovator. One can only imagine his place in the “Inventors” chapter of history books in 100 years.

  4. BleedingTulip October 7, 2011 at 23:51 #

    Huge Internet hug!!!!

    I think the therapy Thursday is a great idea, but i agree with Kiwi, maybe do it once a month if it feels like too much “work”. I really like reading those posts, and I appreciated the outlet for myself a few weeks back.

    It’s true that you have a lot of interest and desires outside of being a mom. You don’t strike me as the kind of woman who wants to lose her entire identity when she becomes a mom – yes being a mom wod be huge but you would also be more than that. I think that may be what your therPist is trying to communicate, you can pursue motherhood but it’s important for your sanity tha you stay active in your other parts if your life.

  5. Emily October 8, 2011 at 01:06 #

    So sorry to hear about your loss.

    I am going through the same sort of discussions with my therapist and I am in limbo with you at the moment. It still blows my mind every time I read a new IF post. It still has not completely sunk in that I am not alone in this. There are wonderful people out there going through the same thing, feeling the same feelings. Just wanna thank you.

  6. Esperanza October 8, 2011 at 08:37 #

    The world did lose some wonderful people this week. My friend’s father was in a motorcycle accident and they pulled his life support, knowing it would be what he wanted. He passed away yesterday morning. We’ll be going to his memorial tomorrow.

    I’m so for your friend’s devastating loss. I’m sorry for your hard week. (((hugs)))

    Thanks for all your support on my blog, as always.

  7. Starfishkitty October 8, 2011 at 08:48 #

    First of all let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sad for your friend.

    I too feel stuck as a result of this baby chase. I have fantasies that it will be amazing and fulfilling when the day finally arrives. In the meantime it is challenging to focus on other things with the same enthusiasm.

    I LOVE the Jobs speech from Stanford. He was amazing! His speech really inspires me as well but more because of his resilience in the face of challenges and failures.

    I am thinking of you and hoping this month is a good one!

  8. LisaB October 8, 2011 at 14:55 #

    ((HUGS)) Sending love your way.
    We are cycle buddies this time ~ wishing you luck and sticky vibes

  9. Belle October 8, 2011 at 15:45 #

    *hugs* and a few more *hugs*

    I understand feeling stuck. My entire world is constantly in a state of limbo because “I could be pregnant then so I really can’t plan that far…” It would be ok if I were not aware of all the things I’m missing while waiting, but I am aware. Painfully so. I don’t have any answers for you other than to talk to your uterus when you are moved to, laugh when things are hilarious and take all the time you need to cry when things get heavy. Take your time this weekend, you deserve it.

  10. bodegabliss October 8, 2011 at 18:06 #

    I’m so sorry, Mo. I’m sorry for your loss, for your friend’s loss, and for the world’s loss. This has not been a good week all around.

    I think it’s near impossible when you’re in the middle of wanting a child so much and going through what we’re going through to try and focus on anything else. I’ve managed to find my way out of that and to the other side because of my chances at this point, but it still never goes away. I still feel a little bit in limbo when I stop and think about it. I hope this month is the month, and this desire of being a mother will finally be fulfilled. But if it’s not, know that I’m here for you to get you through until that does come true.

    Sending you lots of love!

  11. aprilvak October 8, 2011 at 21:19 #

    I don’t think this post was a downer. You actually gave me hope and appreciation with it. It’s hard to lose someone you care about, and watch their loved ones struggle through their own grief. I hate that we all have to go through that at some point in our lives. But sometimes it can strengthen or renew frayed relationships. When I read about you talking to your potential embryo, it made me want to talk to mine. And when you said you’re scared, I thought about how I’m scared too. You may call this post a downer, but I really appreciate how you made me feel reading it.

  12. Cattiz J October 8, 2011 at 22:03 #

    It feels so unfair when people leave us to early in life. My heart goes out to you and your friend who’s become a widow of sorts. She is lucky to have you as a friend!
    I so recognize the feelings of stuckness going on. I’m there too. Don’t know how to get out of the funk unless I get pregnant. So you are not alone, not at all.

  13. Kristen October 9, 2011 at 18:59 #

    So sorry you are feeling so down. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. With a death of someone so young…in some ways it feels like the only way to…I’m not sure the right word here…overcome it, maybe? Anyway, I felt for a long time like the only way to dull the pain of something so awful is to bring new life into the world, to kind of balance it out, you know? I totally get where you’re coming from with that.
    And the Steve Jobs Stanford speech…I watched that this week too and keep thinking about the do what you love part…we’re always taught that with hard work and focus we can make whatever we want happen but how do you deal when it’s taking longer than you feel like you can possibly bear? You just have to get up each day and do the next best thing, I guess…that’s what I tried to do anyway, but it’s so, so hard and how can anyone be expected to do it over months and months or years and years?
    Thanks for sharing your therapist’s comment about you need to be a person outside of the baby too on my blog this week…I needed to hear that. But I know it’s so hard when you are trying to focus on anything else…I felt like my life was at a standstill for years…I remember that feeling so well and I feel kind of bad being one of the lucky ones who is currently pregnant, but I won’t ever forget how hard it is to be in the middle of all of this…I have so much sympathy and compassion for what you are going through…sending you some love and light this morning and hoping things look a little better to you soon.
    XOXO
    PS I love your Group Therapy Thursdays! 🙂

  14. pcostory October 9, 2011 at 23:38 #

    Doing some catch-up, finally got your blog added to my google reader, it was a trial, but I will be commenting more regularly now. :). I hope that the weekend finds you feeling better and less blah, but I know exactly how you feel.

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