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Group Therapy Thursday – Love, Booze, Weight, and HOPE!

29 Sep

Well, my inbox runneth over this week thanks to last week’s collective ass-kicking! Yay!

So let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Dear Mo and The Group,

Seriously, I need help. How on earth do you tell someone  you know for 20+ years that you have fallen for him? Just thinking about it makes me want to puke and run away.

Thanks!

Pukey McPukerson

Oh, PM – I think that’s fabulous! I have a bunch of follow up questions, but honestly? No matter what your answers would be my response would be the same: If he’s not gay, I say go for it no matter what. You never know – maybe he’s been feeling the same way. The question beyond how do you do it without puking your guts out is- more importantly –  how do you do it without compromising your friendship?

If I were in your shoes, I’d probably use email. Just say something like: “Hey, I kind of feel like we would be good romantically together. If you don’t agree, please pretend this email was never sent.”

I’m not sure if this is the healthiest approach, but it’s a good way to avoid puking.

The other would be liquid courage. Take the man out drinking, and see what happens when you both are a bit looser. Plus – if you puke, you can always blame the alcohol!

What I’m pretty sure about is that if this guy has been in your life for so long, chances are he’s pretty damn decent. And that means that if he’s interested, you’ll have something awesome in your life. If he’s not, then he’ll probably do his best to overcome a moment or two of uncomfortableness for the sake of your friendship. In short – you never know unless you ask.

At the end of the day, if he’s not interested, better that you find out sooner rather than later, so that you can move on. So however you do it, brace yourself and jump in! Oh! And please do update us if you manage to do it, ok?

What does everyone else think?

Dear Mo and The Group,

I have gained 80 lbs since I started dating my husband. It is all due to the PCOS…but it doesn’t matter.  I feel really unsexy.  I would like to at least project a more self-confident image as I work to get healthier, as I know that someone with a crappy self-esteem is not that attractive.  Tips?

Feminsecurity

Oh, I know this one well. I too have gained a bunch of weight in the last couple of years and it’s done a number on my confidence many a time. I think the trick is to not deprive yourself of things that make you feel pretty, despite the weight. Don’t stop doing your hair (or if you’re not a hairdo type of person, treat yourself to a salon visit), get a manicure, wear a pretty dress to an event. Most importantly, DON’T STOP BUYING NEW CLOTHES. I think this is the biggest loop us newly minted fatties get into. None of our clothes fit, yet we don’t buy new things because we’ll “lose the weight eventually” or we don’t want proof that we’ve gained so much. The result is that half of our closet (if not more) is an unwearable reminder of our weight gain, and that can do a number on your confidence. So even if you don’t toss your “skinny clothes”, pack them in a box, and go and buy yourself something pretty. You deserve it!

Dear Mo and The Group:

I drink occasionally. As in once a year or so. 

My favourite is Vodka, and I love it with Sprite, or Fanta. Except that this once-a-year indulgence has been spoiled sad!

You see, I noticed in 2009 that I had a swelling in my left cheek after I had a drink. I did not still associate it with the vodka. Then, in 2010, I had ‘one’ Blood Mary and my left cheek went to Africa. This year, I had a little rum. Yes, my cheek went on that safari yet again.

This has never happened to me before! I was NOT allergic to alcohol before! 

The only difference that I can make out is that I am/was on TTC drugs including Metformin and I could have lost my ability to digest booze post it.

Has it ever happened to anyone else? Is it possible that metabolism gets affected such that one develops allergies to their favourite tipple? I am not a boozer, and I will like to continue having some fun. What do I do?

Sincerely,

UnBoozed

Wow, unboozed, speaking as a once-in-a-blue-moon drinker myself, I can imagine that would suck. Though I myself have never tried Metformin, a quick trip to Dr. Google did show that the combination may cause some adverse effects, because apparently the drug works through the liver, as does the booze. Have you had your liver functions checked lately? I would look into that, because that could be the issue – the Met may have done something wonky to your liver enzymes which makes you not tolerate alcohol as much anymore. That’s probably the worst-case scenario, and I’m sure that could be treated easily.

If your liver is all good, I admit, I’m at a loss. I know that sometimes hormone fluctuations can cause our bodies to change in strange ways. Definitely bring it up with your doc next time you see him/her.

Any ladies out there on fertility meds that can maybe shed some light on the situation?

Dear Mo and The Group,

What happens when you have been trying for so long that you begin to lose belief that it is going to work for you?  Even when you are getting ever treatment under the sun.  That when you explain what you are doing, you are sad, and you notice that others are happy because, actually trying to make a baby, but you are all teary as you can only focus on the fact that it hasn’t happened so far and the odds are against you now.  IVF round no 3 is coming up shortly, and i don’t want to be sad during it as I don’t think that is healthy.

Thanks,

Sad

Dear Sad,

I wish I had a magic wand to wave and tell you everything will be ok. But I don’t. All I can do is give you a huge virtual hug. Don’t lose hope! I’ve been around the blogosphere and I have seen DOZENS of last chance, no hope treatments lead to a take-home baby. Jay’s story is particularly amazing. 5 years of treatments, one last frostie, very little hope, and presto! She’s chugging along in her second trimester with a baby boy on the way.

But beyond that, here’s what I think leads a lot of us to despair: It’s the unknowns. What sucks about infertility is that we have no control over our outcomes, no matter how hard we try. That would drive anyone crazy. I’ve found that the best solution is to create a clear path forward in the event of failure. For example, once my doc, The Russian, assured me that we would go to IVF in the case of another ectopic I felt LOADS better, because I saw a clear path ahead in case of another loss. Shmerson and I have also discussed what we would do if we find out we can’t ever carry a pregnancy to term. We have our options clearly mapped out, and know how we would pursue them.

I suggest, in the lead up to IVF #3 to sit down with your partner and map out a “what-if” scenario. If this fails (SM forbid), what are your next steps? Will you pursue adoption? Donor eggs/sperm? Living childless? What will that choice look like? Plan it out in a way that you know you can eventually be content with the decision. That way, you know you have a backup plan, and you may feel better going into this cycle.

One thing that I don’t want you to forget though: Your feelings will not influence this treatment cycle. If you must go in sad, then that’s what you’ll do. I promise you that it won’t be what makes the difference between a BFP and a BFN.

I wish you all of the luck in the world! And a bunch of huge hugs!

Any ladies out there with some tips on how to keep your sanity in the IVF roller-coaster, please share them in the comments!

Hello Mo,

I’ve been really floundering in life lately, trying to find a meaningful intention for myself. I’m currently reading a book and doing the meditations/activities but I’m coming up empty handed and am starting to get frustrated and despondent. What is a girl to do when she needs to find a new direction and she can’t figure out what it is? Should I just chill the $#%& out for a bit and revisit this question in a few months? Or should I keep banging my head against the wall hoping it will crack open and an answer will fall out? Any suggestion on how I uncover this illusive intention?

Thanks!

Empty Handed Head Banger

Oh, EHHB, I know how you feel. Now stop it! Seriously! Chill out. This is the moment where you do have to “just relax and it will happen.” Trust me on this! Your head banging ways are bringing you nothing but grief. With that, I’m sure they’re also causing quite a bit of guilt. Guilt is our enemy! It puts the brakes on everything from our hope to our self-esteem. If you’re going to meditate, meditate on accepting the fact that you just don’t know, and that’s ok.

I used to act like every decision in my life was high-stakes, life-or-death, and permanent. It took a lot of head banging to realize that no decision is like that. People change careers at the age of 60 sometimes. Nothing is forever. Perhaps if you lower the stakes for yourself, and realize that you have every right to change your mind, your path will become clearer.

Anyone else have insight or experience with this?

Dear Mo and The Group,

I’m trying to remain hopeful after my lap surgery which removed stage 2 endo. I’m just not entirely convinced that was the reason why I’ve had so much trouble (5 years infertility, 1 m/c, 2 chemical). Hoping to even hear from someone who had endo removed and is now pregnant (or had a baby) after years of infertility.

Thanks,

Infertile Days

Ok ladies, I’ve got so many pregnant-after-IF blogs on my reader, that it would take me ages to find specifically the pregnant-after-end0 ones.  So – you guys are up! Let’s give ID some hope linkage, shall we?

I can tell you this – from the hundreds of IF blogs I read, stage 2 endo is manageable, and I know there’s an increased chance of successful pregnancy after having it removed. Don’t give up hope, ID!

That’s all for today ladies. Use the handy-dandy form below to submit for next week’s GTT, and I look forward to reading all of your comments!

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14 Responses to “Group Therapy Thursday – Love, Booze, Weight, and HOPE!”

  1. slcurwin September 30, 2011 at 02:06 #

    PM, I don’t recommend the email approach. If he doesn’t respond you’ll go crazy wondering if just maybe there was an issue and he didn’t actually get it, yada yada. I’m a blunt and to the point girl. I’d ask him (in private of course). Just say “So appearantly I have feelings for you and I want to know how you feel about me. If you only think of me as a friend I need to know.” I find it’s less awkward if you can make it an unemotional quicky (question wise).

    Feminsecurity, I’m with Mo. Do what makes you feel pretty. Wear clothes that you find flattering. I have to permanently keep 3 sizes of clothes in my drawers because I fluctuate super fast. It took me a while to just go out and get nice clothes for my bigger size instead of just living in jogging pants when I can’t get my pants past my hips. But make a point of doing yourself up (make-up, earings, hair, clothes you like) so that you feel pretty at whatever size you are at the time.

    • Mo September 30, 2011 at 02:19 #

      Oh! SLC is totally right on this one! Scratch the email thing. It’s stoopid. Drunk or blunt. Definitely!

  2. slcurwin September 30, 2011 at 02:20 #

    UnBoozed. Yes, you can delevope allergies as you get older. I should know. And I’m also allergic to alcohol, except that I go food poisoning style where I get funny in the head and then puke for 3 days. And no, that’s not after have a lot. More like “I managed to drink the neck of the beer”. I’m reacting less in the last year, but I can still only manage ~ half a drink before I feel it coming on and have to stop. I didn’t develope this allergy until late teens and it took me forever to figure out what it was since I was able to drink before.
    And if I eat cantalope my lips swell like I’ve had botox. That one started last year.

    Sad, I agree that a plan is the best course. The big wide open “we’ll see when we get there” is super stressful and its best to decided what you’ll do if things don’t work out. You can always change your mind, but a plan will make you feel more stable.
    And for your treatment, I’d go in with your ipod full of funny. I can’t remeber what the studies have shown with IVF and laughter therapy, but it never hurts. Bill Hicks is funny if you like it kinda rude and dark.

  3. El Jefe September 30, 2011 at 02:39 #

    EHHB, we’re all like this I think. The key (I hope) is enjoying whats around you, trying out new stuff, when you find something that you really feel for, go with it. I’m still hoping I can find that something.

    Infertile days, I have no clue here, but I just wanted to say hang in there.

  4. alexmmr September 30, 2011 at 08:01 #

    Pukey – So, what’s changed? What has changed in your life recently that has coincided with this change in your feelings for your longtime friend? Did the recent change in your feelings start off with a feeling of having been single too long, the loneliness started, then you started having feelings for your friend? Were you dating some jackass that made you realize what a good thing you have in your friend? Before making any moves, really determine if you have real feelings for this person, if they have won your heart by default. If it’s real, I vote the drunk route. Get both parties all liquored up, make a move, and either things will change for the better, or you’ll have your definite answer and the excuse of alcohol plus the added benefit of only kinda remembering what happened.

    Feminsecurity – start calling yourself “Immensely Fabulous” until you start to believe the fabulous part.

    Unboozed – uh, dunno. I don’t drink either so I have no idea.

    Sad – I agree with Mo. Having a plan makes it feel like it’s a step in the process rather than a yes or no proposition. My cousin had 12, yes, 12 various forms of IVF procedures. She lost 8 pregnancies, several of them sets of twins, even lost a pair of twins being carried by a surrogate. The last FET she did she did not want to do at all. Basically, she only agreed because, what the hell, it’s the last one they had on ice, may as well shove it up there and be done with the whole damned thing. Her daughter will be a year old in October.

    EHHB – Me too. The career tanked, can’t even get part time work right now. Lousy housekeeper so I’m not even contributing that way. And the universe won’t give me the damned key to mommy-land. How about we be friends?

    ID – out of my knowledge area, sorry. But wow, it would be awesome if you finally identified and fixed the problem!

    • Mo September 30, 2011 at 17:43 #

      Great insight Alex!

  5. Flowergirl September 30, 2011 at 09:02 #

    Mo, just to say, I love you for this!!!!

    Pukey, whilst I hadn’t known my man for 20 years, I had known him for a year, before he became my best friend who I hung out with all the time, who looked after me when I was sad and we had a great laugh together, and I can remember the look on his face when I got drunk one night and snogged another man (ok I was 20 then and you can do that at that age), and I can remember a similar look on my face when he did similar, which was when I knew that I loved him. But it still took time to move from the friendship to something more as we were both scared of messing it up. So alcohol works a treat in breaking down some of those barriers. Whilst a man might be scared about making the first move, do be prepared for him not being all that into you. I’ve been with the man I discribe above since that pooint, and he says that he has always loved me. I had to change to be receptive to his approaches.

    EHHB – I agree with Mo. I’m also working through a self help book at the moment, and have just got to the chapter where I realise my internal voice is too loud – so I’m trying to quieten it down. I would suggest, try lots of different things, but a tthis stage, commit to none until you have explored them some more, perhaps between now and the end of the year, just aim to identify wehat these are, so in the spring you can start some action on them>.

  6. Pukey McPukerson September 30, 2011 at 11:09 #

    OK… this is Pukey McPukerson herself. 🙂

    Mo, I love you for this. And much love to the other commenters about this subject. SLC: I love unemotional quickie-statements… maybe that’s something I can approach.

    Alex: I liked your questions and will think about this before I make any move. The thing about the man is: We’ve been good friends with benefits for 8 (or 9 who knows) years. While the sex has been earth-rocking and life-changing right from the beginning, it just keeps getting better. And we’ve never been as close as this year.

    I know that sex creates bonding hormones (good sex even more) and I don’t know how big their share on my feelings is. Alter all, similar to Flowergirl he is close to being my best man-friend. I realize our interactions have changed over the years – and became more intimate.

    We had a lovely phone-call yesterday and I’m going to the capital to see him next week. He said I could stay the whole week and work from there. So there shall be plenty of opportunities to get us drunk and maybe try to confess. Then hopefully smooch instead of puke.

    *gulp*

    Will keep you posted. xo

    • El Jefe September 30, 2011 at 17:17 #

      Oh Pukey, you didn’t mention the benifit’s portion previously (I don’t think). That changes things a little. He still may not be interested in a serious relationship, but at least it’s ovbious that he sees you in a sexual light.
      Not gonna lie, little jealous of that earth-rocking sex there. 😉
      One of my only long term relationships (the only other than Hubby) started as friends with benifits. Alls I can say is be straight foreward (even if you choose drunk). It took us over a year of tippy-toeing around each other once we realized that we had more than sexual/ friendship style interest in each other. Subtle is a bitch that kills and twists things. Avoid her. Guys don’t pick up on subtle.

      • Mo September 30, 2011 at 17:45 #

        Oh! That does change things a bit, but I definitely say listen to El Jefe on this one. She’s totally on point!

        • Pukey McPukerson September 30, 2011 at 20:21 #

          Mo, I agree. El Jefe is a mighty wise lady-jefe. This one cracked me up: “Subtle is a bitch that kills and twists things. Avoid her. Guys don’t pick up on subtle.”

          So true…. And while normally I am everything else but subtle, when it comes to love… puke, run, rinse & repeat. Oh well…

          Off to contemplate… xo

  7. St. Elsewhere September 30, 2011 at 14:27 #

    Sad, I want you to NOT lose hope. And also have contingency plans in place.

    There are several bloggers here who have managed to conceive and carry to term pregnancies after years of treatments and trying. I don’t want to belt names, but there are.

    But do have a contingency plan in place. Take some light reading with you. P G Wodehouse?

  8. Cattiz J September 30, 2011 at 22:09 #

    Sad – I’m in the middle of my 2nd ivf and am also scared of the outcome. There’s no guarantee and it really sucks. I just wanted to say you are not alone. Having a plan is a great advice, to know already what the next step would be. That way there’s something to hold onto if needed when you are ready. But how to keep the hope up is a good question, I guess you have to believe, and despite how it goes, knowing it will be worth it. At the moment I’m thinking: at least I’m doing all I can to make it happen. That gives me some peace. I hope it can help some way.

  9. Infertile Days October 1, 2011 at 15:57 #

    EHHB:
    Wish I had the answer for you… it’s something I really struggled with when I was younger and still do a little. I have it more figured out now as I have found some pieces of my life that fit. I don’t think there is one answer. You need to keep looking/reading etc, but also keep DOING something – follow your heart/gut is probably the best advice.
    But also try not to obsess over it… definitely not healthy (its what I did).

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