Wherein I Do My Impression of David Caruso’s Career

11 Sep

If you don’t get the reference in the title, please click here. (Really? Pilot episode of South Park? And you haven’t seen it? For shame.)

Or in other words:

IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’ll skip the taking a nosedive part for now. Hopefully that won’t happen. We’ll know more at around 9DPO.)

Ok. So I’m 7 DPO and I haven’t peed yet. As you probably know, this is a huge accomplishment. And I’m waiting until 9DPO. Honestly, I would tomorrow but my FRER’s, which I’ve been so curious to try, will only be arriving tomorrow evening so circumstance forces me to wait. Which is a good thing, I think. Probably.

I’ve been pretty good this TWW. I don’t think I had “the feeling” this time (but considering past experience, that’s probably a good thing), but my score on the scavenger hunt is pretty high. My boobs are sore, I’m feeling nauseous, and I almost puked today when my students had lunch because of the smell.

But it could be that I’m just feeling under the weather. We’ll see what happens in a couple of days. Not going too crazy in the meantime. Kind of.

Ok, I kind of am, but I don’t have much time to go crazy. Things have been nuts! I’m back to teaching, and we finally closed the sale of our current place on Thursday. Now we’re running around applying for mortgages, and I’m jumping head-first into renovations of the new place.


Heady explode-y helps with the TWW crazies for sure. But still:

Sorry that was gross. But I kind of feel like that guy right now. Ahh well.

But I’m rambling and getting off topic. (Surprising, I know.) Focus… Focus…

David Caruso.

No no. Quoting an episode of South Park making fun of David Caruso. Right. That’s where I was. I was at “It’s my turn!”

Saturday was my nephew’s 7th birthday party. I’d been dreading it. Every year, we go to this party, and see the same people. Last year, we were post-miscarriage #1, and just about to enter miscarriage #2 (though I didn’t know it at the time). Every child there made my uterus hurt.  Made me want to cry.

This time, it was even harder. My brother is divorced, so I only really see my ex-SIL and her family at these birthday parties. My ex-SIL’s sister gave birth three months ago. She was married two months after Shmerson and I. She gave my nephew his first cousin. That stung. It stung even more to see her there with the baby.

But that wasn’t really the worst of it. I mostly stayed out of the fray, sitting on the side playing “Fruit Ninja” on my iPhone and detaching myself from the situation, because it was the best way I could come up with to deal. Still, my ex-SIL, her parents, and her sister were obviously aware of our current situation. They gave me the sideways, pity-look “how are you?” When they saw me. I shrugged it off. I joked.

Then her mother and my mom had this sort of grandmompetition, where my mom was congratulating her on becoming a grandma for the second time, and she was giving my mom all of these “oh! this and this couple just went through IVF!” BS lines. I knew my mom wasn’t enjoying the party. Because she knew I wasn’t enjoying the party and had no interest in IVF stories, thankyouverymuch.

But the worst of it came at the end. My ex-SIL’s sister came over to say goodbye. I once again congratulated her (hopefully genuinely) on her little boy. Then, she tilted her head once again, and said the two words I hate most in the Hebrew Language: Bekarov Etzlech.

This isn’t an easy phrase to translate. Kind of like “havaya metakenet“, this pair of words has a whole undertone of meaning. Literally, it means “you’re next.”

Culturally, it’s a world’s worth of pressure on your back.

For example: Your older brother is getting married. People come up to him and say “Mazel Tov”. They come up to you and say “Bekarov Etzlech”. And at the age of 24, and very much single, you feel depressed and have a few too many vodka-spiked lemonades as a result. (This didn’t really happen. Ok. It really did. I got smashed at my brother’s wedding. Sue me).

This pair of words is even worse for an IFer or an RPLer. Literally you can say they mean “this will be you soon.” Bekarov meaning “soon” and etzlech meaning “with you”. It’s the “soon” part that’s the problem with me.

So I go say goodbye to my former SIL and her new baby, I tell her mazal tov, and she answers “Bekarov Etzlech.” I immediately give her the “Infertile stare of death” and she realizes just how wrong it was for her to say those two words to me. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, nobody does. I’ve found myself saying it to people sometimes too. It’s a saying with good intentions. But man, does it hurt in this context. I just wanted to tell her:

“Soon? Really? Because we’ve been at this for 15 months now, and three miscarriages in, I’m not so sure about the soon part. So please go take your baby and be all happy and leave me alone. I want to play Fruit Ninja and detach emotionally from the situation. Kthnxbye.”

It’s my turn. In two weeks I’ll be turning 31. On my 30th birthday I was pregnant with what would turn out to be my first ectopic. I want to be pregnant on my 31st birthday. And I want it to stick. So that in about 9 months, I can blissfully look at the people coming to congratulate us on our new baby and tell them, with a smug look on my face: “Bekarov Etzlech”. It’s. My. Turn.

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I won’t be knocked up this month. Or worse, maybe I will be knocked up but it will be another ectopic. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Urgh. Two more sleeps and I get to pee on some sticks and see where this 31st birthday will take me.

PS – Group Therapy Thursday was a raging success in my opinion! Can’t wait for the next one! Send those questions in!

13 Responses to “Wherein I Do My Impression of David Caruso’s Career”

  1. Kristen September 11, 2011 at 23:50 #

    Sorry for all the painful stuff that happened at the party….ugh, that sounds terrible!
    I am sooooo excited for you being in the 2WW and having some symptoms! I can’t wait ’til you POAS! I’m hoping and praying you have good news to share here this week.
    And I agree, Group Therapy Thursday was so great! Can’t wait for next week! 🙂
    Fingers and toes crossed for you over the next few days…
    Will be thinking about you…

  2. Port of Indecision September 12, 2011 at 00:13 #

    People telling an IFer or RPLer that she’s next or her turn is coming soon is just so….patronizing? It’s always come across as patronizing to me. Like, “There, there, [head pat] it’ll be you soon enough” mixed with, “Because I am now A Mom, I can just tell these things and I know you will be soon too” mixed with, “Just relax and keep trying and it’ll happen.”

  3. bloggingreluctantly September 12, 2011 at 01:23 #

    At my last nephews party they made me hold my newest nephew, born to my SIL who has a miserable marriage, and 2 older children who are so far out of control we don’t go to things, I cried and cried in the bathroom because I couldn’t deal with holding that baby. They all kept saying “You can’t handle this baby…just you wait!!” said by 2 other sister in laws who have children under the age of 5…I have a 15 and 12 year old….just they wait is what I wanted to scream at them. Little did I know I was in fact pregnant and found out the very next day! I am crossing everything possible and hoping that this cycle is your cycle!!!

  4. Infertile Days September 12, 2011 at 01:37 #

    Sorry that happened to you. Must be very difficult being around little ones. I am fortunate to not have any relatives with babies right now.
    As for peeing on a stick… I would try to wait it out a bit longer. Its probably too soon to tell, isn’t it? I have done that before and have been crushed by the negative, and then I tell myself its probably too soon to test anyway and then wait it out another 2 days to retest. Hoping this is your time.

  5. Belle September 12, 2011 at 02:34 #

    GAH! I can’t believe she said that to you. That’s right up there with “maybe if you just relax.” I’m so sorry she was so insensitive. And I’m really excited about your POAS! Oh, and Therapy Thursday was fantastic. I just caught up on it all and am looking forward to the next time. Maybe I’ll actually be in town and be able to offer advice in a timely fashion then, too!

  6. eggsinarow September 12, 2011 at 03:07 #

    1. Omg. As a fellow member of the tribe, I know how annoying the “next by you” is. Even heart-felt. I loved being 27 at my 23 year old sister’s wedding and unmarried and hearing that. So annoying.

    2. That being said, I hope you are next. B’emet. 31 is a good age. Ha shana haba, right?

    3. Therapy Thursday! Yay!

  7. Marie September 12, 2011 at 05:29 #

    Remind me to never congratulate you on anything, lest I end up having to punch you.

    I also hate the word “Cheers” as anything other than a toast. I feel like it’s used as a snarky, underhanded way of saying “thanks, but no thanks,” or, “yeah, see you later, not really interested.” Fuck those people.

  8. Flowergirl September 12, 2011 at 12:57 #

    Firstly – congratulations on not POAS yet, that is great.
    Secondly – congratulations on going and then sticking around at the party. Having had a horrible experience this year at my nephews’ party (we were the only couple there without children – there were about 10 3-yr olds), my plan for next year is to make a busy social diary for that day so can pop in for about 15 mins then make excuses.
    Thirdly – aren’t you supposed to get smashed at your brother’s wedding???? Esp if someone makes digs about your relationship status.
    Can’t believe given that you are out in your family about your trying and difficulties that people would be so insensitive. We’re not out, so sometimes just have to suck it and see. But really. smug fertile!!!! And whilst they might just come from a place of love, great on you for giving the death stare.
    Overall, jolly well done.

  9. Cookie with Milk September 12, 2011 at 18:35 #

    I can never decide which comments hurt more: The ones that are said out of ignorance and smugness (like “Oh, you don’t want kids! They’re terrible!” as Cousin Sandi watches her four rugrats run around giggling) or the ones that are said with genuine kindness and an urge to help. Like my sister telling me my feelings were stupid and unreasonable. =___= I know her comments came from a place of love and that she was telling me to let go of the hurt and heal, but all I can say is good thing those comments happened over chat or I would be short one sister round about now.

    Truly the worst part is deciding if we should just shut up and smile (and thus make ourselves feel like crap) or say something to the other person (and thus “cause waves” and become “that bitter person”). I guess that’s why we all blog so much.

    • Cookie with Milk September 12, 2011 at 18:37 #

      Also, YES! to Therapy Thursdays. I haven’t had time to comment, but I’ve been reading!

  10. bodegabliss September 12, 2011 at 18:59 #

    I got drunk at my sister’s wedding. Sorry about your ex-SIL. Ugh. I think in those situations now I either just freeze because I don’t know what to say, or regret immediately what I blurted out. I’m impressed you had restraint. And I’m glad you made it out okay…I was thinking about you.

  11. LisaB September 13, 2011 at 17:09 #

    I love your blog! You are so funny! It does hurt when people say things like that – even when it’s meant to be comforting. Sigh. Good luck with the rest of your TWW – I think I am around the same dpo as you, but I’m not tracking things right now. Fingers crossed for you!

  12. slcurwin September 15, 2011 at 23:58 #

    I’m a little behind on my reading. Those parties are always hard. Now I have to go read on about how your pee went.

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