Broken Until Proven Otherwise

30 Aug

Today was a wonderful day. Nothing big happened. I went out, washed the car, bought myself a summer dress on sale. In the evening, Shmerson suggested we take Luna out for a long walk. We’ve been trying to take walks lately – it’s good for health-type-stuff, so I hear.

The walk started a two hour conversation. I love it when Shmerson and I talk openly and honestly about our relationship. We do it often, but each time we do, it’s proof once again that I have married the right man.

I haven’t been doing well lately. I’m trying, but it’s hard to push forward and put on a happy face. I want to “live my life” but I can’t. This last year has been holding me back – keeping me trapped.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out why this is. Why I can’t break free from this and just LIVE until we get our baby. I’ve realized that it’s something that’s ingrained in me. You see – I have this thing about me, which in the past I’ve viewed as an asset, but is now a liability. When I get my mind and heart set on something I go for it like a guided missile and don’t give up until I reach my goal. I’ve always been this way. For example, both my graduate and undergraduate thesis films were deemed “impossible to pull off” by my professors, because they were too ambitious. And in each case I gave said professors the finger and made them happen. This is who I am. When I want something, it consumes me completely until I achieve it. Nothing else exists. It’s not something I can control. It’s just how I do things.

So the missile that was let out of the gate three miscarriages ago is still flying, seeking its target. And it won’t stop until it gets there. Everything else be damned. No matter how hard I try to fight it. I’ve come to realize that there’s no point in fighting it, because it just makes me feel like a failure. So instead, I’ve started to embrace it.

In our talk tonight, Shmerson and I were discussing this very clearly. I wanted to share a part of this conversation with you, despite its intimacy. I share this with his permission. I share this because this is the part that no one talks about, and it needs to be talked about. This is the part where things get really ugly and complicated. I talk of course of physical intimacy. Also known in some circles as “Sex” (any real life friends reading this – feel free to skip the rest of the post if it makes you uncomfortable).

Our sex life hasn’t exactly been fireworks lately. It’s not Shmerson’s fault. I mean, seriously – he’s a hottie. It’s all about me. Every time we make love I see my physical scars. Every time I feel the weight of my losses. I feel broken.

So I don’t initiate unless I get a positive OPK. I’m scared to. It just makes my insecurities bubble up to the surface.

But of course not having enough intimacy makes me feel just as bad. Because I love my husband. I want to want to be intimate with him. I don’t want him to feel like our sex life is only about making a baby. It shouldn’t be.

Tonight I put my cards out on the table. In embracing my status as a missile I very plainly told him: I know this is a problem. I hate that this is how things are right now. I also hate the fact that there is only one thing that will fix this: A baby.

To say anything else would be a lie. I could be a hypocrite and say that it’s wrong to put all of this on a baby. A baby won’t make things better. It won’t solve problems. It’s unfair to put so much strain on a child. It’s bad parenting.

But in this case – this would be a lie. The fact is, that I feel broken. I feel like my body has failed me. And until my body proves otherwise by carrying a baby to term, I’m going to continue to feel this way. That has nothing to do with a baby and everything to do with me.

I know what I’m saying here may seem controversial, or TMI, or whatever. But it’s my truth. My body is broken until proven otherwise. There is nothing I can do to control that. I know that the only solution in sight is a successful pregnancy. Maybe there are others. But the missile won’t let me look anywhere but there for the time being.

There’s no use in fighting it. I’ve tried to do that for over a year now. It is what it is. So for now – I’m giving in. I’m surrendering to it. I feel broken. I am broken until proven otherwise. So I’d like to prove otherwise as soon as possible.

Saying this so bluntly to my amazing husband scared me. I was afraid he was going to tell me that I shouldn’t feel this way and we should stop trying until I feel differently. But he got it. He understood. He knows that this is the situation until we reach a healthy pregnancy. And he’s ok with it. He’s not bitter. He’s not angry. He understands.

And boy – do I love him all the more for it.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind 
I can withhold like it’s going out of style 
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone 
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met. 
I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected. 
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen 
And you’ve never met anyone 
Who’s as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part 
You see all my light and you love my dark 
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed 
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate 
And you’re still here 

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking 
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating 
I’m terrified and mistrusting 
And you’ve never met anyone as, 
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part 
You see all my light and you love my dark 
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed 
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate 
And you’re still here 

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know 
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go 

I’m the funniest woman you’ve ever known. 
I am the dullest woman you’ve ever known. 
I’m the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever known 
And you’ve never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part 
You see all my light and you love my dark 
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed 
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate 
And you’re still here 

And you’re still here 
And you’re still here...

35 Responses to “Broken Until Proven Otherwise”

  1. Angela August 30, 2011 at 01:29 #

    I can’t tell you how much I relate. Thanks so much for putting it into words. Hang in there. Our days will come.

  2. Elphaba August 30, 2011 at 01:41 #

    Yah, all that and more. No one gets just how hard the “sex just for a baby” thing really is. It isn’t fun and it isn’t the way it should be.

  3. eggsinarow August 30, 2011 at 02:44 #

    I wrote this EXACT post in my head today on the way home from work. Seriously. Except for the sleeping with Shmearson. I won’t sleep with your man, I promise.

    • Mo August 30, 2011 at 02:50 #

      Lol we have a tendency to do that lately, don’t we? And you’re welcome to sleep with Shmearson, I have no idea who that is. Shmerson on the other hand is ALL MINE!!! :-p

      • eggsinarow August 30, 2011 at 03:22 #

        Spelling a fake Yiddish nickname doesn’t count! Lol. But yes we do share a brain. I’m honored.

        • Mo August 31, 2011 at 00:57 #

          Awww now I’m blushing!

  4. Wannabemom August 30, 2011 at 03:03 #

    I think it’s this drive that will get you what you want so badly, so therefore, it is an asset. And of course you feel broken! How could you feel anything but?! IF takes away our ability to do what millions of women around the world seem to have no problem doing.

    Fingers crossed for you as you soldier onward and get that impossible movie made — with a happy ending.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 00:57 #

      Beautifully said. Thank you!

  5. chon August 30, 2011 at 04:19 #

    I have also said the same thing before that the only way to make me feel better and to finally make me 100% happy is a baby and until that day comes I too feel broken. Thank you for being honest and I am sure your gorgeous husband feels the same, the fact you acknowledge the difficulties means they will be easier to overcome. Here’s to a non ov shagfest for you.

  6. Libby August 30, 2011 at 04:45 #

    I know the broken feeling. I know feeling like “what’s the point” with sex. So, don’t have sex. Put in a movie and make out like teenagers. Put sex off limits. Go to second base. Enjoy getting each other “going” again. Hold off on sex until it feels like “making love” again. It won’t take that long, and it will be fun getting there.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 00:58 #

      Oh! Good advice as usual Libby! Thanks!

  7. Esperanza August 30, 2011 at 05:17 #

    You and Schmerson are so lucky to have each other. I’m so happy that your happiness exists in the world. It is a wonderful and inspiring thing.

    I totally understand your missile by the way. I have a similar launcher myself. I’m worried that the baby #2 missile was launched somehow while I wasn’t looking because I feel that fever even though I KNOW in my heart and mind that right now is not the right time for us to have another baby. And yet, I’m on a singular mission. Well, I wouldn’t mind a layover at the camera I’ve been pining after. 😉

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 00:58 #

      LOL. A layover would be nice. Maybe I should start pining for a camera too!

  8. BleedingTulip August 30, 2011 at 08:04 #

    One of the best things my therapist back in Colorado ever said to me was: “Your sex life cannot be completely fixed until you either have a successful pregnancy, or grieve and move forward with adoption.”

    That’s not to say that Hubster and I wont continue to try and improve our sex life, but in a way it helps take the pressure off that something is “wrong” with me.

    It’s not great, but the fact is that infertility DOES effect us. How we feel about our bodies. So don’t apologize…. you may be broken, but you are in VERY good company.

  9. Flowergirl (@Flowergirl_inuk) August 30, 2011 at 14:35 #

    Oh hun, I know what you mean. It was horrible having to have sex again after my miscarriage, I told him I would cry and I did, as it is so emotional a time. And I know the feeling of not being terribly interested outside of the fertile time. I have that too. I kind of wish that we could now magically get pregnant, so that the trying can be over, becuase however much you try and bring to it, you can never fully enjoy it as you are just reminded of what you haven’t gotten.

    My counsellor is also a sex therapist, so will be raising this with her tomorrow when I see her.

  10. bodegabliss August 30, 2011 at 22:18 #

    We are so much alike, it’s scary. Love you. xoxo

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 01:00 #

      Love you too!

  11. Erin August 30, 2011 at 23:27 #

    A few months ago my husband asked: “Do we have to have sex again tomorrow?” In a way that was like — “If I must do this again, I will, but I don’t promise to enjoy it.” I did make him do it again. No, it wasn’t awesome. Some months I’m one-tracked, and some months I don’t give a shit. The months I don’t give a shit are much better for my sex life, but they’re also rare.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 01:01 #

      Yep. I really wish I could bring myself to stop tracking, which I’m sure would liven things up a bit. But it’s just way too tempting. And I’ve got odds stacked against me as it is.

  12. the bunless oven August 31, 2011 at 00:25 #

    IF takes so much away from us – including a fab sex life in what’s meant to be our prime! However the honesty that you have with your husband is pretty special. Many women would crave that …

    But, yeah, it’s freakin hard.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 01:02 #

      Thanks hon. I am very lucky to have him. I thought about that the other day – how I’m about to turn 31 and supposedly I’m supposed to be “reaching my sexual peak”.
      Yeah – highly doubtful. I was looking forward to it too! 😛

  13. Infertile Days August 31, 2011 at 02:51 #

    I can always relate you your posts, perhaps that’s why I like to read them so much. I doubt that anyone in our situation actually wants to have sex just to make a baby anymore. We are so DONE with it!!! (we do IUI’s).

    As for the living your life until you have a baby – ya, I’ve been trying to do that, but its very difficult. Probably because there’s really no break from this – if nothing else you are counting you cycle day planning out how the next one will go. Honestly, I don’t know if its possible.

    But that long walk with your husband and dog – that sounded awesome to be just sharing time with someone you love.
    Take care

  14. Port of Indecision August 31, 2011 at 03:22 #

    Mo, I can so relate to this. There were times where I tried to honestly ask myself why I kept at it: did I really want a baby, or did I just not want to fail at something I set out to do? Of course, it was a combination of the two. And you’re right – having a baby *is* the only thing that will make it better. Because being seemingly unable to is what is wrong. Ergo that’s the logical fix.

    Our sex life definitely suffered too. For a number of reasons – I also saw my body as a failure, sex as a reminder of miscarriage, and I was conflicted in that I wanted to get pregnant and try again but at the same time was terrified to – so even at that one point in the month where sex seemed worth the emotional investment, I had good reason to still not want to.

    But I do think it’s important that you can admit it, not only to yourself, but also to Shmerson. At least that way you’re both understanding of what’s going on. I’m so sorry. I hope you have your baby soon.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 22:49 #

      Thanks sweetie. It’s amazing how much we all go through. Sharing it here makes me understand just how NOT ALONE we are.

  15. slcurwin August 31, 2011 at 07:58 #

    Hun, I’m so completely with you here. Whether it’s correct (politically of physically) or not, it doesn’t stop how we feel. Sometimes we just need to say it.

    I’ve never paid very close attention to that song before, I really like the lyrics.

    • Mo August 31, 2011 at 22:50 #

      Thanks hon. I love that song so much. It always reminds me of just how lucky I am to have Shmerson.

  16. Kristin September 2, 2011 at 14:32 #

    Wow, you truly have an amazing amount of personal insight. I hope you get your fix soon.

  17. Jo September 2, 2011 at 16:07 #

    The song at the end brought me to tears. I can relate to this post on so many levels — in ten years of TTC, our marriage (and our sex life) has had so many ups and downs. And no one wants to talk about it, to help us know that its normal, and okay. It’s okay to feel broken sometimes. And its okay to think that a baby will “fix” that — because it will. I admire your being willing to say what so many think, but don’t say.

  18. Willow September 2, 2011 at 19:34 #

    IF has definitely had a negative impact on the husband’s and my formerly awesome sex life, because of exactly that broken feeling. It sucks, but I’m right there with you. And I get the driveness too–I could think of nothing but getting to baby till we adopted…and then when he turned one, it switched to the need to have another baby (now pregnant thanks to DE, which does actually make me feel less broken). Maybe after our daughter’s born, I can finally start to focus on something else? Let’s hope. Your husband sounds wonderful, btw 🙂

  19. valery valentina September 4, 2011 at 14:23 #

    Mhm….. the weird thing is I still like my body but that doesn’t seem to help. I know I have no eggs left so I always think “what’s the point anyway”…
    (and yes, way too scared to think about it, let alone write it down)

    And Flowergirl…would love to hear about the counseling?

  20. embracingtherain September 6, 2011 at 03:52 #

    I can relate as well.


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