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Buzz Buzz Buzz

24 Aug

This is a bullet point post. I do this not because I am lazy (well mostly not). I do this because, in the immortal words of someone: Heady-explodey. Today has been one of those days that I wish I had a pensieve. Stupid me being a stupid muggle. Ahh well.

So – it’s a list. I like lists. You like lists. Sometimes. I’m rambling. I’m tired. Buzz buzz. Here we go:

  • Thank you all for your comments on yesterday’s post. I think we’re gonna go the try try again route. I don’t think I’ll regret this in the long run. The fact is, that there simply isn’t enough info about my past losses. If we have a fourth (FSM forbid), then we will either know it’s an ectopic and take out Ole’ Righty, and then go for IVF, or we’ll have more info and then go blow the $300 bucks. For now, just like the Russian said, we’ve done all that we can outside of experimental treatments. RPL is a biyatch.
  • So now I really want to try again. Like, NOW. And Shmerson is concerned that I’ll go batshit just like I did last time. He keeps on saying (and he is right) that I can’t just spend my time wishing for a baby, because if that’s where all of my energy is, I will have an inevitable crash once we do get our little one. I know he’s right. And I’m really making an effort to work on me a bit more. I don’t THINK I’ll freak out as much as I did last time. But I’m not sure.
  • On the other hand I hear the tick-tock. My cycles are gradually getting longer and I’m ovulating later. I know what this means – my PCOS is kicking in and it’s only a matter of time before I stop ovulating again. In fact, the Russian said that if we don’t get preggo within the next few months then we should start considering Clomid. So yeah – tick tock tick tock.
  • I also kind of feel like if we’re going to have a fourth loss, I just kind of want to get it over with. I don’t know if it’s healthy, but it’s how I feel.
  • I’m just afraid that I want this for all the wrong reasons. And in my crazy buzz-addled brain I keep thinking that the reason for my three losses is because we jumped in for the “wrong reasons”. Urgh. This is stupid. Luckily we have about a week and a half or so before a follie pops so we don’t have to decide yet. In fact, I’m thinking that we shouldn’t decided. Just kinda do it and see what happens (though knowing me I’ll still be using pee sticks like there’s no tomorrow).
  • Enough of the TTC stuff. Moving on:
  • I’m going to Dr. Happy Pills tomorrow, and insisting on changing my meds. They work, in that I’m better than I was after my brain broke back in November, but I feel like they’re band aids, and are not doing what they’re supposed to. He insisted on zoloft, which helps with the depression (most of the time) but causes increased anxiety. So he added xanax. Then the zoloft pooped out (it was a low dosage) so he upped it. Then I started having trouble sleeping, so he added ativan to the cocktail. Now I’m tired. All the time. And I feel completely unproductive 90% of the time, and anti-social. I think it’s time to wave bye bye to Zoloft. I don’t know what we’ll do though, since very few anti-depressants are ok with the preggo. And I assume I will eventually be preggo and I’d rather not be preggo and in happy pill withdrawal. Lexapro was a complete bust when we tried it. Now I have no idea what to do. I’m afraid to go off them completely because of the brain breaking thing, which was no fun. I like my brain unbroken thank you very much. Even if it makes things a little hazy. Urgh. We’ll see what he says tomorrow.
  • Bleeding Tulip has a great post about decision fatigue up on her blog. It has made me realize that I suffer from a new disease that I have just invented: Chronic Decision Fatigue Syndrome. I think I want to do something about that. No clue what, but there ya go.
  • I no longer fit properly into any of my jeans. This is a bad thing. Muffin tops abide and they must be destroyed. Something needs to be done about it. I’ve started by taking a page out of WWH‘s book and making low fat breakfast smoothies. Non-fat yogurt, with fruit, agave syrup, and spinach. Yes, spinach. You can’t taste it and it has vitamins and stuff. Today, I had one at 10am and wasn’t hungry again until 2pm. And even then, I wasn’t THAT hungry. I think this may be good. We’ll see.
  • I want to go back to yoga. But again, i can’t seem to get my ass off the couch. I hope some form of new happy pill will help with the getting off of the couch thing. That would be good.
  • I have now officially started playing “find the infertile” on every single reality show I watch. Married? Over thirty and no kids? Infertile. Looks over 40 and has a 2 year old? Infertile. Puts her children in beauty pageants that include fake tans? Well – that’s just crazy. Nothing to do with being infertile. Just putting it out there.
  • I think that’s enough of my buzz buzz for one night. But I’m throwing in a cute bunny for good measure. Note: I do not own bunnies. That’s Marie‘s department. And hers have magical psychic powers and jump up and down to answer my big existential questions (well I’m actually not sure about that, but I take her word for it because a) it funnies me and b) I have no visual proof to the contrary).

One of Marie’s bunnies telling me that everything will be ok. Artist’s rendering. Not to scale.

  • However, I do find bunnies unbelievably cute and they make me smile. So here are two more bunnies. In cups:



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27 Responses to “Buzz Buzz Buzz”

  1. BleedingTulip August 24, 2011 at 01:37 #

    Oh no, I didn’t mean to give you a new disease!

    As for changing meds, well, here is an idea. I know you’re going to shoot it down, but try not to… what if you tried an anti-depressant you couldn’t take while pregnant? Get the depression under control, ween off it to a drug you can take while pregnant, and then get back on the TTC wagon? **Shields face from potential onslaught** Ok, so maybe not a great sounding idea, but one to ponder. Hopefully your doctor will have something great to offer, like unicorns and sparkly rainbows!

    • Mo August 24, 2011 at 02:02 #

      *throws stuff* just kidding 🙂 I did consider that but dr happy pills is afraid I’m at high risk for postpartum depression so he’d like to keep me on meds until I pop out a baby. I will suggest rainbows and unicorns though. Good call!

      • BleedingTulip August 24, 2011 at 02:15 #

        That makes a lot of sense. I bet unicorns and rainbows are safe while pregnant, but I haven’t read the fine print attached to them because the unicorns keep hiding on me, and the rainbows always run away when I walk towards then… stubborn little buggers!

    • eggsinarow August 24, 2011 at 18:10 #

      I was going to suggest the same thing! Wellbutrin is one that people can stay on, and it helps with anxiety and depression. I’m suprised Lexapro didn’t help…dear Gd I should of been a pharmacist.

  2. chon August 24, 2011 at 01:54 #

    I could feel your brain leaking over the sides with all of the dot points. Take some big deep breaths and release.

    I just want to say that I have not experienced true depression, only TTC related depression and I applaud you for getting out there to control it, beat it and still focus on other areas of your life. You are amazing, don’t forget that!

    The tick tock of the pregnancy clock it will never go away but it does get easier to manage. Have a natural crack for now and then worry about the things you can’t control when you get to that point again and know that we are all here to help you through it. mwah

    • Mo August 24, 2011 at 02:03 #

      Thanks hon! You are the bestest!

  3. Betsy August 24, 2011 at 03:23 #

    Good luck! I decided to go off my anxiety meds cold turkey in January. I wasn’t on a very strong dose, but I was tired of taking so many pills (that combined with TTC stuff.) It’s been really hard at times, but better than I thought it would be. I hope you’re able to find something that works for you, and that you’re comfortable with, tomorrow!

  4. Esperanza August 24, 2011 at 04:17 #

    I think going for it sounds like a good plan. I hope that you don’t have another loss, as you suspect you might. I understand that assumption though, I just hope it’s wrong. 😉

    As far as meds, I don’t have any recommendations. I’m surprised that Zoloft makes you anxious, I was given that FOR anxiety when I was pregnant and it helped a lot. I guess everyone reacts differently to things. I hope you find something that works for you. I need to stop taking my Strattera soon and I’m not looking forward to it. Boo. Depression/anxiety/ADD suck.

  5. Esperanza August 24, 2011 at 04:20 #

    Oh, I also wanted to thank you for the link to the decision fatigue post. I’m reading the NYT article right now and it’s fascinating!

    • Mo August 25, 2011 at 00:42 #

      Isn’t it though? Really thought-provoking.

  6. Mrs. Gamgee August 24, 2011 at 04:31 #

    IF and RPL can play a number on your mental health. Good for you for getting the help you need. I hope that your doc can get the right meds to help you feel better and still have energy to live your life.

    ICLW

  7. Megan August 24, 2011 at 05:24 #

    I think I have chronic decision fatigue syndrome too.

    Thanks for diagnosing yourself/me 🙂

  8. Port of Indecision August 24, 2011 at 05:48 #

    I got nothin’ on the depression/anxiety front because I’ve never had clinical depression, only homicidal ute depression, and that was always relatively treatable with whine and a bitchfest with my IF SIL.

    I get what you mean about wanting to just get the next m/c over with already. Hoo boy, do I get what you mean. It’s not like that actually accomplishes anything, but who ever said any of our thoughts while we go through this were rational?

  9. Marie August 24, 2011 at 06:55 #

    Re: the break I mentioned on Skype.

    I mean that if you are freaking out, and Shmerson is refusing to TTC in the event of freakouts, then if you can’t be at peace, you’re pretty much cornering yourself into a him-imposed break. Does that make sense? I hope so, but I have been drinking.

    Bunnies in cups! I must try this. My bunnies are not jumping up and down. The she-bunny is cleaning her butt, and the he-bunny is trying to acquire the scraps of hay that are just out of reach through the bars of the cage. They are currently living in a state of MESS and therefore not as cute as the bunnies in cups.

  10. LisaB August 24, 2011 at 14:20 #

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading that!! I feel like that a lot of the time!! So many things running through my mind. Lexapro works pretty well for me. I’ve tried them all though. HATED Zoloft – too much anxiety. I hope they get things adjusted well for you. Good luck with the things to come – I hope nothing but good things start coming your way!

    • Mo August 25, 2011 at 00:44 #

      Isn’t it weird that zoloft is supposed to TREAT anxiety and actually ends up causing it in most people?
      The doc decided to go with an SNRI – cymbalta. We’ll see how it goes!

  11. Oak August 24, 2011 at 15:15 #

    Here from ICLW (#44) and a few of us have a name for the bullet points, we call it Though Vomit Thursday. It truly is nice to be able to take every piece of crap in our brains and dump it once a week and NOT post in a coherent manner. Gotta love bullets. As far as your TTC stuff, I can’t even imagine what a nasty bitch RPL is, I wish you nothing but sticky, take-home babies moving forward.

  12. cablearms August 24, 2011 at 17:37 #

    Rainbows and Unicorns all around, Mo… with a side of sleeping 5 day old pups and purring kittens. I’m sending you lots of love and hopefully Dr. Happy Pills can get you in a good, calm zone.

  13. Jem August 25, 2011 at 00:03 #

    Those bunnies just made my day! They just sit there and wiggle their little noses and don’t even try to jump out of those cups! Amazing!

    Do let me know if you like the Mohr Stories podcast. And share with me those you listen to. I always need new suggestions. I’m a big ole podcast addict, too.

    Me like bullets

  14. B August 25, 2011 at 00:46 #

    Weird-I tried both of those SSRI’s as well and neither of them made even a tiny dent in the sucking chest wound feelings nor rage issues I’ve been dealing with over the past 32 months-they did however get my insurance company to send me lots of pamphlets about suicide in the mail which was outstanding. In the end, I still hated the fact that you had to take the SSRI’s daily and since I keep getting pregnant and immediately stopping them, and they weren’t actually helping with the really crappy feelings anyways- I thought it was pointless and gave up on them. I ended just using the xanax prescription-for the miscarriages, WTF meetings and 13dpo-cd 10 to manage those really bad feelings. This whole thing sucks. Seriously. S.U.C.K.S.

    • Mo August 25, 2011 at 19:00 #

      I do xanax too supplement the zoloft. But since that’s not preggo-safe I know I’m going to have to give that up. That’s why I’m looking for something that will work on both… Well see!

  15. Kristen August 25, 2011 at 01:53 #

    Bunnies!
    Lots going on in that brain of yours. 🙂 You sound good and calm and hopeful, though. I can totally see the chronic decision fatigue syndrome…lots of doctors, lots of opinions, lots of choices to be made. You can do it!
    PS Thanks for your comment on my blog the other day – do 5 IVFs get a second baby free. Cracked me up…

    • Mo August 25, 2011 at 18:59 #

      Thanks hon. Full credit goes to Shmerson for that one. 🙂

  16. A. August 25, 2011 at 18:34 #

    -I know that I also would want to get back to TTC right away…I am all for it. I always feel like the most therapeutic thing is to take action. Also, I was late in reading your previous post, but I think your current plan is a good one and I relate SO SO much to the uncertainty and agony of not knowing and not having satisfying answers. Speaking of which, do you know whether there are any doctors in Israel who do reproductive immunology testing? I would seriously consider it if it’s available.

    – Good luck with Dr. Happy Pills! I hope that he can come up with a good solution for you/is receptive.

    -I play “Find the Infertile” not only in tv put in real life, too, like it’s going out of style. Unfortunately, I am very poor at it, as I know virtually no one who is infertile IRL (that I know of…hehe:)

    • Mo August 25, 2011 at 18:58 #

      There are a couple of docs that do it, but I highly doubt that’s a problem, since we had a blighted ovum – which means stuff knows how to implant. I think. All of the docs so far have said it’s most likely physiological. If I even manage to implant in the uterus again, and actually see a sac, we’ll know more…

  17. lil' dreamer August 27, 2011 at 13:34 #

    Loved the list! I can relate to so many, specifically being told by hubs that I need to stop obsessing about all things baby. Like you, I know this is true, but it is hard to figure out how to achieve a healthy balance. If I’m not talking about it with those who know, I feel like there’s a huge elephant in the room making me very uncomfortable and awkward. If I am talking or blogging about it, I am so thankful that there are people in my life that can be open with me, grieve with me, support me. But, does that lead to letting it consume your life? I just don’t know what the balance is!

  18. bodegabliss August 30, 2011 at 22:07 #

    (I’m taking a break to catch up on blogs….shhhhhhhhh)

    I drink a smoothie every day for breakfast! Kale is another good green to put in there. I like it even more than spinach (the curly kind, which I can’t think of what it’s called right now). The only thing was I didn’t do this when I was pregnant last time because Chinese medicine believes you should never start your day with cold things. So, of course, I started mine with hot lemon water AND A LOT OF GOOD THAT DID. So yeah, smoothies! Yum!

    I completely understand just wanted to get the next one over with, but I think Shmerson has a really good point. Especially if we put all of our energy into wanting a kid, that it will be a complete let down of emotions afterwards. He’s a smart one, that Shmerson.

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