The Empty Room

22 Aug

Today my mother and I went to the apartment that is soon to be mine and Shmerson’s. We haven’t made the final payment yet so it’ll be a couple of months before we move, but we want to re-do the kitchen, so we had a guy come in and take measurements of the place. It was the first time I’d seen it empty. A blank canvas for us to build our new home.

I kept on saying to my mother – I want it to be bright and happy. My mother reminded me that the happiness part is up to us.

The apartment is lovely. A big balcony overlooking a green valley, lots of sun, and really spacious. It has three bedrooms.

The master bedroom, and another, smaller bedroom is on one side of the hall. On the other is another small room and a large bathroom.

I went around the house, furnishing it and decorating it in my head. Figuring out where our bed would go, our big work desk, our chest of drawers.

I furnished the master bedroom. I furnished the bedroom across the hall.

The small bedroom next to the one that will be ours – I left empty. I will not be putting furniture in that room. Not yet. I’ll be painting it begrudgingly. I’ll be putting in wood panel floors. But no furniture.

This room will be our baby’s room. And until our baby comes, it will stay empty.

I sat outside on the  balcony, feeling the breeze, and hearing my children calling me and asking me to fill up the small inflatable pool that would be on the balcony.

I saw Shmerson standing at the grill making them burgers on a summer day just like this one.

This is going to be our home.

This will be the home where our children are born.

So I’m leaving room for them until they come.

30 Responses to “The Empty Room”

  1. kelly August 22, 2011 at 00:28 #

    Sounds perfect and fitting to leave it for your children. Maybe add touches for your baby along the way for something more to look forward to.

  2. Belle August 22, 2011 at 00:33 #

    This post made me cry! We have a room, too. Currently it is full of math books but one day… I also applaud your optimism. It is a good reminder to those of us who are feeling glum. And your mom is very wise. Bright can be painted, happy cannot. Congratulations on the new space! I do hope you share photos. I love new spaces!

  3. bloggingreluctantly August 22, 2011 at 00:35 #

    I love the idea of leaving it empty. That way it will always be his / her room in your mind and in reality. I won’t give you the “it’ll happen cliche’s” because you already know!

  4. Esperanza August 22, 2011 at 00:37 #

    What a beautiful post. I think having that room for them, ready and waiting is a symbol for all that you are doing now to be ready for them in your life, how you are making your life a priority so that when they come, you have the perfect place sitting there, just waiting to be theirs, not just in your house, but in your life.

    Isa’s room was a storage closet under the stairs. In the six years I had lived in the apartment it had filled with crazy amounts of stuff. You couldn’t hardly walk in that room. It was a disaster.

    While I was pregnant I went in there and took everything out. I threw away most of it, donated some and sold a couple of items. Most of it ended up on the street and was taken away almost immediately. Then I had to scrub away years of mold and filth. It’s so small that you can barely fit the three pieces of furniture we needed.

    I wanted a baby so badly, and was so scared of what might happen that I pushed us into it, I think before we were both really ready. At least before we were ready as a couple. And her room being a storage closet that needed to be purged completely and that doesn’t really even fit a baby, is as much a metaphor for how we did it, as your room waiting is for how you’re doing it.

    I have to say, I sometimes wish I had done it the other way. Not that I’d trade Isa for anything, but I wonder if we’d waited, could we have had children and enough financial security and personal fulfillment to be coping much better right now? Could we have had it all, instead of having the baby and scrambling for everything else? I’ll never know, and at the time I didn’t think I cared, but now, now I see that maybe I should have.

    I’m not trying to say that what you’re doing isn’t hard, and that having an empty room waiting isn’t as difficult as cleaning junk out of a storage closet so your baby can sleep there. I guess no way is perfect. At least not for most of us.

    • Mo August 22, 2011 at 12:15 #

      I hate that you beat yourself up for your decision making. I think each way is a good one, because it’s the best we can do. Plus – the illusion of us “getting our life in order” is still somewhat an illusion. Things are always in chaos. It’s just what you do with the chaos that counts.

  5. Whoismom August 22, 2011 at 00:44 #

    🙂 i think the room in your heart will always be ready for them.

  6. Angela August 22, 2011 at 00:54 #

    I feel ya. We got our first BFP the same day we closed on our 4-Bedroom house, the one with “room to grow”. I’ve made guest rooms out of 2 of the 3 extra rooms (not that we ever get overnight guests in our little corner of ‘po-dunk, but i needed to feel like they were being used) But the last room has sat empty for a very long time. Now it houses my maternity clothes and the very few momentos from our daughter we lost this summer, the few baby things people had given us. I’m just eternally grateful I hadn’t gotten around to decorating it yet.

    • Mo August 22, 2011 at 12:16 #

      So sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story.

  7. Libby August 22, 2011 at 01:02 #

    They will come. And they will be happy. And so will you.

  8. myjourney7283 August 22, 2011 at 01:22 #

    They’re definitely coming – someway, somehow.

    I know that when we first got the positive pregnancy result I thought “I’m getting the baby’s room ready … NOW!” And while I didn’t, my reasoning was based on a beautiful blog post from Busted Plumbing about “building a life for the future” (I’m not doing it justice, so check for the entire, beautiful post!)

    All that to say, I get leaving the baby’s room open. I wouldn’t say “empty” but “waiting”. Hang in there – thinking about you chica!

    • Angela August 22, 2011 at 02:07 #

      That is beautiful and hits so close to home. Its so easy to feel bitter and like you’ve built your life around a hole. Thanks for sharing!

    • Mo August 22, 2011 at 12:16 #

      What an amazing post. Thanks for sharing it!

  9. Donor Diva August 22, 2011 at 01:32 #

    I remember when we first moved into our house and thinking about our child/ren’s room. In the limbo period I just never knew what to do with that room, it usually ended up with junk in it. One of my friends turned her’s into a yoga room until she got her BFP.

  10. Kristin August 22, 2011 at 02:08 #

    Beautiful and just a little sad (only because you have to wait to fill the room). I hope you are decorating the room soon.

  11. missohkay August 22, 2011 at 02:32 #

    Beautiful. The hope may be up to you, but yellow walls help 🙂 Our empty nursery seems so much happier now that it’s yellow!

  12. chon August 22, 2011 at 02:34 #

    Beautiful post Mo. What I did and ok it hasn’t exactly worked yet but I put some items in the one days baby room that meant things to me, like my grandfathers welsh bible and two sketchings that I purchased in NZ and my old cabbage patch doll. As if to say, baby these are pieces of my heart and I am just waiting to share that with you. The baby is going to come Mo, I can feel it.

    • Mo August 22, 2011 at 12:17 #

      That’s a beautiful thing to do. I may just do that. Thanks for sharing.

  13. Krissi August 22, 2011 at 02:54 #

    What a lovely post! Good luck and congratulations on your new apartment! It sounds perfect! One day, that room won’t be empty anymore! Stopping by from ICLW and just added your link!

  14. Dawn August 22, 2011 at 04:53 #

    Such a beautiful vision. I pictured your adorable kiddos with those awesome dimples of yours!!!

    • Mo August 22, 2011 at 12:17 #

      Aww thanks 🙂

  15. Feeling Beachie - Hilary August 22, 2011 at 13:15 #

    What a beautiful post… I am teary…. Congrats on your new home…

    Happy ICLW!

    Also, I have a GIVEAWAY on my blog… Please check it out if you are interested….

  16. Maria August 22, 2011 at 14:12 #

    I love it….we’ve left a room open for our baby, too. Even painted it recently. I toy between feeling sad that it’s still empty and feeling happy that there’s room. No matter….it will be filled one day!

    ICLW #102

  17. cablearms August 22, 2011 at 16:52 #

    do we all have an ’empty’ room? this post made me well up with tears…
    we renovated our second floor including a spare one, with ‘this’ in mind. it now has great new flooring, beautiful grass cloth wallpaper… and unfolded laundry.

    those voices are not going to be too far behind, Mo.
    hugs to you. xoxo

    ICLW #1

  18. eggsinarow August 22, 2011 at 17:52 #

    Oh, MO. I feel you. I pray that the room is filled with baby stuff soon! XOXOX

  19. Kristen August 22, 2011 at 19:32 #

    This is such a lovely post. Your babies are going to know they have a beautiful space waiting for them…it’s going to bring them to you sooner…

  20. Megan August 22, 2011 at 21:35 #

    Congrats on your new apartment.

    Keeping that room empty for unborn children is a good idea. It is there’s before they even get here.

    ICLW #111

  21. bodegabliss August 23, 2011 at 04:45 #

    So beautiful.

    (And, um, not to take away from the intention of this post, which was very moving, but….what’s my room look like? When can I move in? ;-))

    Love you, lady. So much.

  22. April August 23, 2011 at 16:22 #

    I understand about the room. We have a room like that as well, though it holds my computer and lots of other things without a home. When we bought our house, it was going to be the nursery. In my heart it still.


  23. slcurwin August 23, 2011 at 19:27 #

    I couldn’t deal with looking at our baby room anymore. I put away the crib into storage and turned it into my computer room. Sadly I can’t seem to stop calling it “the nursery”. If you dont want it to be anything else while you wait, I suggest keeping the door closed so you can learn to overlook it…otherwise it’s too depressing of a reminder.
    The place sounds great.

  24. Eggceptionally Blue November 4, 2011 at 02:40 #

    This post made me tear up. We have a room too, ridiculous how a room can be so emotional. My husband tried to make the room into a “workout room” a couple months ago and I completely flipped out. Like he was throwing out our nonexistent child. Ugh. I’m glad you put up the little butterfly stickers, have hope. I’m hoping for you, you deserve this.

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