Not All There (Here, Actually)

20 Aug

You know what the problem is with this whole TTC break?

Taking a break does not make the baby-crazies go away (surprising, right? I know, totally.).

In fact, since losing Ole’ Lefty I believe my baby crazies have reached peak levels. We’re talking 9 on the richter scale. Code Red. We’re so high up we need oxygen masks.

You know how sometimes you read IF blogs, and the blogger writes about not being able to look at babies? And you feel for her, you really do, but yet you think to yourself – “eh, that’ll never be me!”

Well, here’s a warning to all you IFers in training. It could very well be you. I too was convinced there would never come a day when I would have serious problems looking at other people’s babies, talking about other people’s babies, or seeing preggo bellies.

Now I know better.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy on a lot of levels. But the baby crazy has ramped up to levels that I thought were unreachable.

I have now officially done the following (yay! It’s time for a list!)

  1. Avoided going to a birthday party because I knew there would be several preggos there (including the birthday girl), even though I truly love the birthday girl. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
  2. Went to a family function where there was a six-month-old in attendance that I didn’t know was coming, and held back tears while watching the rest of my family coo over said six-month-old.
  3. At that same family function, told off two family members for telling me their “oh! I know this couple who went on vacation…” stories. Trying to explain to people that a vacation does not create neon arrows leading a fertilized egg to your uterus is hard work.
  4. Hid a preggo friend on FB. (Ok, she’s an acquaintance, so that’s ok right?)
  5. Had several crying fits that were completely unexplained, except that they immediately followed thoughts about babies, or seeing a really pregnant woman out in public. Or hearing about another person who just gave birth. Ok. I guess they’re not really unexplained.
  6. Playing rounds of “find the infertile” while watching reality TV. Toddlers and Tiaras is an awesome platform for that game, by the way. I highly recommend it for masochists. (Don’t worry! I’m totally gonna post about that one of these days!)
You always think “It’ll never be me.”
Then you find yourself in the middle of AF, sitting in a bathroom stall and blowing your nose while looking down at this month’s proof that once again, nine months from now, you will not be a mommy.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been told by a bunch of different people how great a mom I would be. I know! Right? Maybe we should do something about it?
Alas – not yet. Shmerson and I have set some strict ground rules. Sanity, stability, and a second (or is it third at this point?) opinion from an RPL specialist before jumping back in.
I think I’m on the losing side of the sanity part of that checklist. I’m currently a few fries short of a happy meal.
Off my rocker.
A beer short of a six pack.
Nuttier than squirrel poo.
I’m going slightly mad.
I’m really ok though. I swear. (Shmerson, pay no attention to the baby crazy woman behind the curtain!)

25 Responses to “Not All There (Here, Actually)”

  1. eggsinarow August 20, 2011 at 21:27 #

    You hid an acquaintance? I have like 600 facebook friends, and I think 9 show up in my feed currently. LOL. I went crazy in the last few weeks and block block block!

    The crazies get to me…I’ll be fine but then it’s like, OMG I NEED A BABY RIGHT NOW! And nothing will stop the pain. 😦 Hang in there. xoxxo

  2. Slackie O. August 20, 2011 at 21:30 #

    1. Check!
    2. Check!
    3. Well, no. Only because we haven’t told family. Because I DON’T have the patience of Job.
    4. I took this even further. I deleted my entire FB account.
    5. Check!
    6. And no. But only because we don’t… ya know… own a TV.

    Believe it or not, this too shall pass. I have reached a place where I now feel nothing more than a slight lurch in my gut in these situations. Mostly I can just take a deep breath a hoist my smile back into place.

    Wish I could leave you a trail of breadcrumbs to the same place.

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 20:43 #

      Aww thanks hon. 🙂

  3. Esperanza August 20, 2011 at 22:03 #

    Oh, I’ve so been there. SO BEEN THERE. I remember once I went to a tail gate and two women were pregnant and two had babies there. I was like. IS NO PLACE SACRED! Tail gates are for people to get black-out drunk and miss out on the football game they have tickets too. It is not for preggos and babies. I was fuming mad. I also cried a lot that day and did not make it to the game.

    I was so batshit fucking crazy when I was TTC, it was horrible. I think B still has PTSD about it. When we talk about having another he gets a weird look in his eye like, Oh god, I can’t handle that shit again.

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. I really do. I hope you get to the place where you’re ready again soon, so you don’t have to linger in this limbo forever.

    Good luck.

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 20:44 #

      Yeah, I think Shmerson is pretty close to PTSD too. Ahh well.

  4. Kristin August 21, 2011 at 06:17 #

    Oh honey, what you are going through is 100% totally normal for someone going through infertility. {{{Hugs}}}

  5. me0me August 21, 2011 at 06:29 #

    But I loves you! Don’t be crazy!
    Tried to skype you this (EST) morning… Maybe more luck tomorrow?

  6. LisaB August 21, 2011 at 15:41 #

    LOL, you crack me up! I can totally relate! Great post.

  7. Elphaba August 21, 2011 at 15:50 #

    I’m so sorry you had to get to that point. No one should have to feel this way… it’s not fair.

  8. Whoismom August 21, 2011 at 16:51 #

    Lol, I think a few of us are right there with you Mo. I went to a museum yesterday and there wer tons –TONS– of strollers and not just single strollers, but people pushing double strollers, TRIPLE strollers, triple strollers pushed by a preggo driver. It felt like a surreal Fellini movie. So I left and went to a nearby rose garden and damned if there wasn’t a parade of baby trains –like they were following me. I thought, jeez what do i have to do to GET AWAY FROM THEM? maybe I could go to a strip joint–gotta be no strollers in a strip joint.

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 20:45 #

      Oh! good idea! I think there should be strip-joint supermarkets, parks, museums, and restaurants. That would make things a heck of a lot easier.

  9. Jonelle August 21, 2011 at 20:13 #

    Hello, I’m here from ICLW. I lost Ole’ Righty in 2008, and I can sympathize with the TTC break. Initially its a blessing not having to worry about cycles, meds, dr appts, u/s, b/w. Because you know that on the other side of that break is the potential for another cycle to try. But when you are in the middle of that break, sometimes the baby crazies get thebest of us.

    I don’t think the ache ever goes away when we see a pregnant woman or babies – because it just reminds us (at least for me) that our baby was in the wrong place.

    And those comments about “Oh I knew a couple who went on vacaction and they…” Well I got one the other day, “well maybe you and the hubby just need to have a few martinis…” To which I replied, “A few martinis isn’t going to regrow my tube” that shut her up. Thanks for making me laugh. ((((HUGS))))

    ICLW #4

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 20:46 #

      Thanks Jonelle! You know, maybe we should try to invent a martini that will re-grow tubes. We could make millions!

  10. Port of Indecision August 21, 2011 at 20:33 #

    I used to think it’d never be me, either. Hell, I even threw the baby shower for my good friend who *shared a fucking due date with me* for pregnancy #1. I was that fucking magnanimous.

    Yeah, it became me. And you know what? It still IS me. I’m 12w pregnant with no reason to think anything will go wrong with this pregnancy (besides, you know, history). And I still have trouble looking at pregnant women and women with small babies. I still resent them. I still assume they all had it easy and don’t deserve their pregnancy as much as I deserve mine.

    I’m in the running for the Nobel Shithead Prize, and I don’t really care.

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 20:46 #

      You funny me. And I think you’re way behind the pack on the Shithead prize, so i wouldn’t worry about it too much. 🙂

  11. Kelly August 21, 2011 at 21:57 #

    Or the classic – It’s not meant to be…okay, so that guy in Calgary that slashed his 6 month old (biological), well guess that’s meant to be right?
    Or just say, yes, I understand it’s so wonderful that all these biological parents are SOOO good. IT’s not like we have to have a network for abused or neglected children, thank heaven as apparently I’m infertile as I would eat my babies right?

    Smug assholes some of them! I had 2 to deal with this AM!

  12. apples85 August 21, 2011 at 22:17 #

    Hi from ICLW! Thanks for stopping by my blog…

    I too have hidden a preggo friend or 2 (or more lets just be honest) on FB…hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

    “Nuttier than squirrel poo” haha love it.

    • Mo August 21, 2011 at 23:21 #

      JK Rowling deserves full credit for that one. 🙂

  13. Marie August 21, 2011 at 23:02 #

    Sigh… Welcome. We’ve been waiting for you.

  14. the bunless oven August 22, 2011 at 00:09 #

    I had a very similar experience this weekend – sometimes we just need a break from. *everything*
    Try not to beat yourself up about it.

  15. endoandbeyond August 22, 2011 at 00:19 #

    I hear you. I’m meeting my girlfriend for lunch this week and to see her new baby who’s over a month old and I haven’t met yet. I have to buy a baby present and I’ve been avoiding it like the plague. Today I ventured down the baby aisle and then zoomed back out again. I have a few days and hope I can get it together in time.

  16. Christina August 22, 2011 at 02:18 #

    Those don’t necessarily go away… I’m practically at the halfway mark and I still cringe when I see other pregnant women (like today). I hear women talk about their kids and I tune out. Heck, I have a good friend and my SIL that are hidden on FB. I can’t stand seeing their constant kid pics or how “awesome it is to be a mom!”

    Hang in there. I’d like to say things get better, but I can’t promise it. Good luck with the additional opinion!!

  17. Katrina Reinert August 22, 2011 at 02:45 #

    I’m a new reader for ICLW August.
    I totally relate! Seriously, I literally started crying while playing peek-a-boo with a toddler in the airport. Like…mid-game. I started sobbing and my husband was so panicked. It was really embarrassing and I couldn’t stop myself. Then this guy state behind us on the plan reading an American Girl doll book to his daughter…it was adorable and you guessed it, I cried the whole flight.
    We have all been there and you know what, I think that that is fine. 🙂

  18. bodegabliss August 23, 2011 at 04:43 #

    Finally! Geez! What’s a girl gotta do to get another baby-hater around here? 😉 (Sorry I’m still so delayed on commenting….course is almost over!)

  19. Kelly August 23, 2011 at 19:04 #

    Hi, stopping by from ICLW-love your blog!

    I swore I would never be “that girl”. Needless to say, I’m now that girl. Now that Sex and the City reruns are on, and I’m reminded of Charlotte’s battle with infertility, I’ve switched favorite status over to her (fickle Carrie-who really needs all of those shoes?).

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