Tomorrow…. We Wear Pants! (and other musings about what’s next)

8 Aug

Well, I’m going a bit stir crazy. On one hand, I really feel like getting up and doing things. On the other, I just want to sleep. I’m not in much pain anymore. Mostly the tic-tac-toe game on my abdomen itches like crazy, and I get a periodic stabby-type pain every once in a while. But since I’m used to stabby pains, it’s not really a big deal.

I haven’t worn pants since leaving the hospital on Friday morning. That’s right people! No pants! I’ve also seen every single stupid reality TV show on the planet, played way too much Angry Birds, and watched some pretty good movies (Source Code – thumbs up!), along with a couple of absolutely horrible ones (note to everyone: the Red Riding Hood revamp is a piece of crap).

But with all the stir-craziness, I can’t seem to bring myself to function. There’s a lot of real world stuff that needs to be done, but I’m not ready for it yet. I think I’ll give myself one more day. I think that’s ok.

Here’s the thing: The last couple of days a certain unease has set in. I get that Lefty was non-functional, and I’m glad he’s gone. But I have spent the last 6 months CONVINCED that something is up with my right side. The doc who performed the lap observed that one part of the tube is “slightly thickened” and removed a couple of adhesions around it, but that’s basically it.

And I’m not appeased. I’m not calm. I still have a sinking feeling that something is wrong and I’ll have another ectopic.

This is the sucky thing about all of this: I know exactly what happens next. We go back to Twofer, and he tells us to try again. That’s it. Try again and cross our fingers.

And when we are ready to try again – I’m afraid this whole cycle of fear will start all over again. I honestly kind of wish they had taken Righty too and we could have gone straight to IVF. I know that’s kind of a crazy thought, but considering that IVF is virtually free here, I would much rather just bypass the tubes altogether. Just get a good looking embryo in my uterus, even if it comes with the price of injections, more general anesthesia, and hormonal hell. I’ll take that over another loss any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

But I know we would never get approved for such a thing. For now, I’m 100% sure we’ll just be told to “try again.”

And I’m not happy about that. I’m not ready to deal with that.

But tomorrow, I’ll start by putting on a pair of pants.

17 Responses to “Tomorrow…. We Wear Pants! (and other musings about what’s next)”

  1. Belle August 8, 2011 at 20:48 #

    Small steps. Start with pants and when those feel good again, proceed a bit further.
    By the way, I am super jealous of the pants. It will be another two weeks or more until my swollen ovaries retreat enough that I can wear any sort of a waistband 🙂

    • Mo August 8, 2011 at 22:56 #

      awww… 😦 Well at least you get opportunities to wear fabulous dresses!

  2. slcurwin August 8, 2011 at 20:51 #

    Any special pair of pants you’re planning on? I stuck with a multitude of jogging pants after mine. But I was staying with my mom and I don’t think my step-dad would have appreciated my strutting around (so much as I could strut while walking in a “folded in half” way) in a pant lacking fashion.

    • Mo August 8, 2011 at 22:57 #

      I own no jogging pants unfortunately 😦 already foreseeing a problem with this whole pants idea…

  3. BleedingTulip August 8, 2011 at 21:02 #

    Definitely take this in baby steps. “Leave the worries of tomorrow for tomorrow” and whatnot.

    Pants sounds like a great plan for now. Even if you were 100% going for IVF you would have worries about that too, and you wouldn’t be in any physical condition to jump into IVF the day after Pants.

    Remember all the stuff you want to do before baby? Like your job and stuff? That’s still important 🙂 I hope you get to feeling better soon!

    • Mo August 8, 2011 at 22:57 #

      I really needed that reminder. Thank you hon. 🙂

  4. Sherrie August 8, 2011 at 21:24 #

    Oh sweetie — try not to dwell on the “what ifs”…
    I’m very hopeful that the problem has been taken care of and when you do try again – you will have a successful, happy, healthy, pregnancy!!

    For now – focus on healing and restoring your energy. Then move onto those big decisions you have to make. Then… when you’re both ready – give it a try…and try to do so with reckless abandon. Those stinking fertiles get to do it – why can’t we fake it once in a while? You deserve to baby-dance without the fear of another loss… you deserve to not have to stress anymore and to not have to deal with any more pain and fear!! Remember that, and just TRY not to think of the worst…

    If the worst does happen…it will NOT break you…. you’re a remarkably strong and determined woman!! With tons of people who love and support you!! 🙂

    I’m sorry I didn’t message you before the surgery – I was away. But I was thinking of you… I’m glad that you got through it well – albeit very stoned! 😛

    • Mo August 8, 2011 at 22:57 #

      Thanks hon, I really appreciate it. 🙂 xoxo

  5. endoandbeyond August 9, 2011 at 01:12 #

    hooray for pants!

  6. Port of Indecision August 9, 2011 at 05:44 #

    I think you should delay all important decision-making and pondering until you are able to fully wear pants, and embrace the pants, again. If you’re not wearing real pants, you surely cannot be expected to decide THINGS.

    Being told to try, try again sucks balls. Thanks again, RPL, for being the fertility thing that no one knows shit about.

    • Mo August 9, 2011 at 18:46 #

      I know, right? Indeed, deciding THINGS at this point is a bad call. At least I’m finally wearing some pants. 🙂

      • me0me August 9, 2011 at 22:57 #


  7. chon August 9, 2011 at 07:14 #

    Starting with a pair of pants sounds like a really good idea. trying again, whilst annoying, well that’s a good idea too.

  8. LisaB August 9, 2011 at 10:55 #

    *hugs* It must be scary to think of trying again after what you’ve been through. Try to take it one day at a time. I hope righty ends up being a champ and brings you your golden eggie!!

  9. sassyntubeless August 9, 2011 at 19:53 #

    hugs hon, hang in there! i know exactly how you feel, but the good news is, they say that rightie is just a lil enlarged, no scar tissue there!! and no “halfway blockage” sending lots of love hugs and babydust xoxoxoxo

    ps yes red riding hood was no good.. although can i have a cape that shrinks and grows depending on the background music?

  10. Libby August 10, 2011 at 04:47 #

    Let yourself feel everything you are feeling. If you don’t want to move on, don’t. If you can’t deal with anything right now, don’t. Pushing yourself now will just make it worse later.

    And there is no such thing as too much Angry Birds.

  11. veprecose August 10, 2011 at 07:22 #

    Why rush into pants? Why not try a muumuu or a kaftan on for size?

    i gave up on Angry Birds when it came to that goddamned toucan. That guy’s a useless jerk.

    Rooting for you!

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