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This is the Part Where I Get Angry

3 Aug

I think everything kind of crashed down on me today. Anticipating tomorrow, and whatever prognosis it will bring, I’ve had a swelling of anxiety, but today at my shrink’s we got to the heart of the matter.

I’m pissed. I’m pissed because just over a year ago today, I had a botched D&C, and I know that’s what started all of this. One doctor, which I trusted, which came highly recommended, who didn’t think to prescribe antibiotics, or make sure that my uterus was left unscarred, caused all of this mess. A 5 minute procedure that has irrevocably altered my life.

I can’t sue him. There’s no way to prove that this was the cause. But I know it is. I know that I had a healthy uterus before this. Healthy enough to hold on to a sac for 8 weeks. An empty sac, but a sac nonetheless.

So I’m scarred. I’m scarred not only physically from those 5 minutes a year ago. I’m scarred mentally, emotionally. This was a doctor I trusted. He came “highly recommended”. He was “the best” in the area.

He fucking messed up my body. And here I am, one year and two additional miscarriages later, about to go under the knife of yet another doctor, who is “the best”, who comes “highly recommended.” Who’s to say everything will go as planned? The last time certainly didn’t. How am I supposed to be calm when the last time I was put under sedation my body was permanently damaged, and my life path was altered forever?

I was supposed to have a baby in my arms by now. Instead, by this time tomorrow, I may have no fallopian tubes. I may have internal organs REMOVED because one fucking doctor didn’t do his job properly. How can I trust that this one will? How can I be calm?

People keep telling me it’s a minimally invasive procedure. So is a D&C, and look where that has brought me.

So I’m pissed. I’m pissed and I’m scared. And I can’t be grateful for “the path” or “answers” right now. All I can do is be bitter and angry at the fact that one incompetent doctor screwed up my body forever. And hope that this doctor will fix the damage, as much as it can be fixed, and not do any more.

This fucking sucks. And I’m fucking pissed off.

I want to make sure this one does the job properly. I want to come out of this with at least part of my fertility intact. And I feel helpless to do anything about it.

Dear readers, you have been so amazing and supportive through all of this. I need you to come through for me one more time. I need your comments, your love, and yes, even prayers. Even as a heathen, I know they can’t hurt. And tell me if I’m forgetting anything. If I should insist on anything being done. If there’s anything I should be asking for to at least try to make sure that no more damage is done.

I go in for the lap in 23 hours. I probably won’t post again before it. If I’m conscious enough after I promise I will, and if not, I may just have Shmerson do it for me.

Thanks. Love you all.

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31 Responses to “This is the Part Where I Get Angry”

  1. me0me August 3, 2011 at 16:53 #

    Thinking, praying, crossing fingers and toes, loving, hugging by intent, sending energy in various ways, will ask beloved though as usual almost forgotten Osho Zen Tarot cards for energy and any possible advice when I get home, praying in my zen way and asking the spaghetti monster to give your operating Dr. the most focus he’s ever had in his life tomorrow.
    Oh yeah and I sympathize with everything you wrote.

  2. Kristen August 3, 2011 at 17:09 #

    Sending tons of prayers and hugs and good thoughts your way, my dear. I’m so sorry you’re so scared and that absolutely sucks what happened to you a year ago. I also feel like my first OB screwed up my fertility (for totally different reasons)…I have that anger and it’s hard to deal with. I’m so glad you’re almost on the other side of this procedure. Praying, praying, praying all goes well for you tomorrow.
    xoxo

  3. Esperanza August 3, 2011 at 17:32 #

    I think you have every right to be fucking pissed about what happened with your D&C a year ago. And you have ever right to be worried that something could go awry this time. I so hope it doesn’t. I so hope that this is the first step towards a healthy, viable pregnancy. I wish I had more wisdom to impart about the actual procedure and all of that, but I don’t. I do know that if I could do anything to help ensure I wouldn’t have another ectopic pregnancy I would do that. Even after having had a viable pregnancy, I’m still just as scared to have another ectopic the second time we try. I don’t think that will ever go away. So while the circumstances for why you have to do this suck, I think it’s definitely the right thing to do.

    Good luck Mo! I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. bodegabliss August 3, 2011 at 17:52 #

    I think you have every right to be angry. I don’t know what you should ask for when you go in tomorrow, but maybe tell them how important this all is to you. If s/he is a good doctor, he’ll listen.

    I’m so sorry. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better, but I don’t think there is. I’m here for you, and love you times a billion.

    xoxox

  5. missohkay August 3, 2011 at 17:55 #

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way. I understand the anger. You’d be crazy not to be angry about it. It does fucking suck. And even if you could sue that doctor, it wouldn’t fix what he did (says the lawyer… don’t tell anyone I said that). And now a mantra: This procedure will be okay. You will be okay. Your uterus will be okay. You are okay you are okay you are okay 🙂 You can see where I got my name, hmm?

    • me0me August 3, 2011 at 18:05 #

      ^Like

  6. Wendy August 3, 2011 at 18:07 #

    Mo,

    Your anger is valid. And I’m sorry that you’re going through all this. I wish I could foresee the future so I could tell you that it’s all going to be all right-but still, I am pretty sure it will be.This Catholic girl will be praying for you, my heathen friend. God speed.

  7. whoismom August 3, 2011 at 18:25 #

    Mo, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with all this. I wish I had some concrete advice to offer, but I just don’t have any experience with this, except that I share your skepticism about the medical establishment. It sounds like you go in armed with knowledge though, and I think that maybe the best thing to come out of this sort of experience for any of us is that we start to feel confident and strong enough to advocate for ourselves, even when faced with “experts” and know-it-alls. I’ll be thinking of you and pulling for you though and looking for your good news!

  8. Belle August 3, 2011 at 18:28 #

    Mo,
    I have no words that can take away your pain and fear. Sometimes all we can do is jump. Without a leap of faith we may never find the change, the success, that we desire. Know my husband and I are sending you all the good vibes in the world and that, if they could, the cats would be, too.

  9. slcurwin August 3, 2011 at 19:06 #

    From one heathen to another, I’ll be praying for you anyways with all I’ve got. and I’ll be skipping the ten minutes of “of heavenly father, loving God, oh gracious protector…” for the two minutes of actual prayer because God doesn’t need suck ups from the likes of me, and if he’s there, he can hear us without them just as well.
    I’m angry with you, we all are.
    I’m working on a little something for you here, I’ll get it to you this after noon.
    Lots of hugs, kisses, rants and chocolate with poprocks…and love too, lots of love.

  10. myskytimes August 3, 2011 at 19:16 #

    Oh honey… I hear you. And – heathen or not – today I will pray for you with all my heart. To the gooddess of goodness and her whole family. Crossing my fingers for tomorrow… leaving you with another mantra *allwillbegood*

    All the best! xoxo

  11. Flowergirl August 3, 2011 at 20:13 #

    Wishing you all the best for tomorrow. Hope it all goes well. As we’re giving mantras, mine is All will be well, and if it’s not, WE will deal with it.

  12. Bear August 3, 2011 at 20:20 #

    Praying for you

  13. teejay August 3, 2011 at 20:45 #

    You have every right to be pissed. And you have every right to be worried about tomorrow. I can’t imagine all of the emotions you are experiencing right now. There’s nothing that can be done about the past. What he did (or didn’t do) can’t be changed. It sucks, big time. Try to look at it this way…tomorrow’s doctor is a new doctor. He’s doing something different to you. He shouldn’t be going in there all willy nilly and scraping around your insides. He’s supposed to be looking at things and checking them out and then making a decision on how to procede. I think you have a much better shot at things going well tomorrow than you do of them going awry. I can’t help with anything to do with the procedure but make sure that you and your doctor are on the same page. Make sure he knows whether or not you want your tube(s) removed before you go in there. As long as everything is clear beforehand, I’m hoping that everything will turn out ok. I’m of the mindset that you shouldn’t worry until you have something to worry about. Stay strong and don’t take any crap. Let you wishes be known before you are knocked out. We will all be with you in spirit hoping and praying for the the best.

  14. myjourney7283 August 3, 2011 at 21:05 #

    Hey there Mo — you know I’m totally sending you all sorts of good vibes and happy thoughts. I know you’re halfway around the world from me, but I also know that a connection happens when two people have shared experiences. You are an AMAZING and STRONG woman. I obviously can’t promise everything will be OK tomorrow, but know that we’re all here for you however it turns out. And you have a group of IRL people surrounding you that will support you in whatever way you need. Don’t forget there are TONS of us IF’s out here thinking about you! We love you MO! (And congrats on being the Featured Blog on WP. :))

    Oh, and repeat over and over and over … “I am an AMAZING and STRONG woman!” 🙂

  15. A. August 3, 2011 at 21:51 #

    You’re in my prayers, Mo. I hope everything goes splendidly tomorrow and that you have a quick and easy recovery. Thinking of you, my friend.

  16. eggsinarow August 3, 2011 at 22:01 #

    I hope that this goes quickly and easily, and that the Israeli medical community can redeem itself. I truly am so grateful that I have met you and hope you know that I am here for you now and always. !נשיקות

  17. Dawn August 3, 2011 at 22:40 #

    You have every right to be angry! I’m angry too! 😦
    And since there is a time difference, I will be saying a prayer and sending love to you every hour for the next 24… since i’m still unsure when the procedure is in Cali time. xoxox

  18. Artistmouse August 3, 2011 at 23:39 #

    I have not been where you are now so I can’t give you any sage advice. What I can and will do is throw up prayers to my Big Guy upstairs and get my hubby to do the same. If it were me, he would want all the people he could get to pray for me. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. ❤

  19. sassyntubeless August 3, 2011 at 23:49 #

    HUGS Just breathe! I will pray and keep you in my thoughts that when you wake up everything will be ok and that you will be on the road to having your baby in your arms! I’m keeping the end of the tunnel lit!! I’m cheering you on! xoxooxo

  20. Cookie with Milk August 3, 2011 at 23:52 #

    *hugs* Anger is important. It is a survival tool. I’m sending all the positive energy I can, plus several cat’s worth of purring (and fur). I hope everything goes well tomorrow (today?).

    • Betsy August 4, 2011 at 00:03 #

      I’m so sorry. I’d be really mad too. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending lots of thoughts and prayers!

  21. Slackie O. August 4, 2011 at 02:54 #

    No advice to share, but I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the best of all possible outcomes!

  22. Advo.cat August 4, 2011 at 03:05 #

    Sometimes being a heathen has its advantages. For example, we are not confined to praying to one deity. So I am praying to all of them for you! You shall have a team of deities behind you. Gods bless.

  23. Port of Indecision August 4, 2011 at 03:19 #

    You have every right to be pissed off about the other doctor bitching your D&C and reason to be afraid this one will botch the tube surgery. I hope that all goes well, and will be thinking of you.

  24. Mrs. Corrock August 4, 2011 at 04:47 #

    We can be lap sisters… mine is scheduled for tomorrow morning as well. And while I have no reason to be as upset as you.. I am super emotional and balling my eyes out. Why!!!! do I have to do this!???!!!

    And one of my closest friends just had her baby this morning. it’s exciting, but nevertheless, I feel a desolation about my situation. .

    Good luck tomorrow!!

  25. BleedingTulip August 4, 2011 at 05:43 #

    *LOVE*HUGS*PRAYERS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Cattiz J August 4, 2011 at 10:22 #

    Thinking of you and sending loads of positive thoughts your way!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] Another thing that came up was a bit of a validation for me. He pretty much confirmed that they effed up my first D&C and that’s where all the problems most likely started. No point in getting angry about it all over again. But finally a doctor confirms what I’ve been saying all along. […]

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