Advertisements

Climbing

30 Jul

Have you guys ever been to a point where you are so overwhelmed that your head no longer holds thoughts- just a continuous buzzing?  Yeah, that’s where I’m at. Heady-explode-y.

So much stuff has been happening, I don’t even know where to start. On the same day we went in for the lap consult, we got an offer on our current apartment, which means we’re one step closer to moving into our shiny new place and I can start getting my nesting on. My lap is scheduled for this Thursday, and I’m spending the next few days running around doing all sorts of paperwork and pre-op blood work and doctor’s appointments. Things are insane.

On our way to the lap consult, Shmerson told me something that’s kind of been echoing in his mind. He says he feels like a 15 year old impersonating an adult. We’re buying and selling real-estate, we’re applying for mortgages, we’re going into doctors’ offices with binders full of my medical history. He’s writing emails to his professors asking for extensions because “his wife is going in for surgery”.

Freaky.

I feel the same way. I feel like a total impostor sometimes. I really do. How the heck can I act like an adult when I basically barely have any clue who I am? There are days that I just want to say “fuck it all” and just party. Or something. Ok. I’m not much of a party animal. But sometimes it’s just too much. I just want to hang out and have someone else worry about my tubes for a change.

But things only get stranger from here. With all of this going on,  I’m actually relatively CALM. I’m not in a hurry so much any more with the getting knocked up. Not because I want it any less. But just because I’m starting to realize that before I get knocked up things need to calm the frak down. We need to move. I need to get through this lap. I need to find a new job. Shmerson needs to get through his exams and find a new job. There’s so much to do. We need to get our stability on.

Today, Shmerson and I were talking. He told me that he wishes all of this sucky stuff hadn’t happened during our first year of marriage. He said: “Why couldn’t we have had like, 5 years of ignorant wedded bliss before all this crap happened?”

I answered in a particularly zen way: “If we had 5 years of ignorance, then we probably wouldn’t have appreciated them.”

The thing is – we keep on talking about wanting things to get “better” already. What is “better” anyway?

I don’t think there’s ever a place of perfection. And you know what? I’m not so much of a fan of the “Happy Ending.” Because then things end. I like this whole living thing, thank you very much.

So no happy endings for me. Happy being. Happy living. Not even that. Contentment. I think that’s what I’m striving for now. Calm.

Heck  – I’ll take a week without depression. A baby would be nice too. But there’s stuff to be done first.

Ok I’m rambling. This is going to be one of those long rambling posts so you guys may as well grab a cup of tea and settle in.

….

Are you back? Ok then.

I went to visit PM last week.  I held her little one in my arms for close to half an hour. Half an hour of complete calm and peace that proved to me that this is completely what I want.

And yet

PM is overwhelmed. She’s going through some serious crap. She looked at me with this terribly sad face and said “I’m not the same person any more”.

I’ve known her for 15 years. I knew she was serious. This isn’t the postpartum depression talking. Being a mom changes you. It’s a huge transition.

I’ve always known that but this is the first time I saw the “downside” of it. The intimate and dark part. The part no one really likes to talk about. Looking at her, and her amazing baby, I realized that it’s ok if we take some time to get our life in order.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me. PM is so happy to have the little one here. She loves him. But she’s mourning a part of her that is gone. The 15 year old that’s playing the adult. Now there’s no play. There’s just adult. That’s  a scary proposition.

***

Shmerson and I have both been guilty of trying to get too much done at once. There’s always a list. One hundred things that would make us better, happier, whatever.

But we both make the same fatal mistake over and over: We try to do it all at once, fail miserably, and then feel bad about ourselves.

What is “better” and how do we get there?

Well – you certainly can’t get there when you’re running around like a crazy person trying to do it all. No one is super human. There’s only so much you can do.

When Shmerson and I started talking about taking a break from TTC a couple of weeks back, I once again started a list. Lose weight, quit smoking (again), find a new job, exercise more, try to get a film off the ground (again), bla bla bla bla bla.

Up until now, I would have tried to tackle all of this. All at once. Now.

But here’s what PM taught me: Slow. The Fuck. Down.

At my shrink’s on Wednesday she told me something very simple: “Let’s just start with a job.”

Yeah, let’s. Let’s get through this lap and start with a job. One thing at a time.

You fall fast when you hit rock bottom. I hit rock bottom somewhere over the last couple of months. But the climb is slow. And it’s not always easy. But it has to be done to pull yourself out of the muck.

As much as Shmerson and I are overwhelmed right now, I recognize that we’re in the midst of a slow climb. A climb towards “better”, whatever that is. But we’re climbing. We’re not perfect. But we’re climbing. Hopefully, this time, one step at a time. And that’s as good a place to start as any.

To make up for this rather heady and rambly post- proof that I’m not the only one in the family with a bunny fetish:

Luna and one of her many stuffed bunny toys.

Advertisements

11 Responses to “Climbing”

  1. bodegabliss July 30, 2011 at 03:12 #

    I loved this post and the direction you’re headed in. much love to you. (and I promise to write you back tommorrow!) Xoxo

  2. Port of Indecision July 30, 2011 at 21:07 #

    Aww, cute pic! I liked the long rambling post. It sounds like you’re getting your shit together and sorted out, and figuring out how to go about your slow climb. Here’s to happy climbing and few friction blisters 🙂

    • Mo August 1, 2011 at 11:29 #

      Hear hear!

  3. Kristin July 31, 2011 at 07:28 #

    Sweetie, I’ve been married for almost 17 years. I have a 14 yr old who towers over me and forces me to face the fact of how long I’ve been a mom. And, I still have days where I feel like I’m not really a grown up. I still have days where I wonder “how the fuck did I become old enough to be the one in charge.” I’m not sure that will ever go away.

    But, slowing down and taking things in a one at a time fashion is not a bad idea.

    • Mo August 1, 2011 at 11:29 #

      Oh. That makes me feel better 🙂 thanks

  4. BleedingTulip July 31, 2011 at 20:41 #

    This is why advertising works: I decided that tea DID sound good, and got up to go make some.

    I get the same way, I want it all, and I want it as quickly as possible. But I think that’s why I’ve been ok with Hubster across the country, because while we definitely want to start a family, it is giving me the excuse I finally needed to get stuff done and it feels good to get stuff done.

    I love the way you ended this post. Recognizing the overwhelming feeling is a part of working towards something. It’s an ok place to be.

  5. Kristen August 1, 2011 at 01:47 #

    Thanks for your ALL CAPS excitement for me today…loved it! 🙂
    And I’m glad you feel like you are climbing. I too am guilty of trying to do everything at once…I can see how it would totally make sense to take things one at a time. And I hope that all the crap that happened to you during your first year of marriage means you’ve gotten a lot of the bad stuff out of the way and have a LOT of bliss ahead of you!
    XOXO

    • Mo August 1, 2011 at 11:28 #

      Thanks hon and congrats again!

  6. teejay August 1, 2011 at 20:41 #

    A very good post, indeed. The thing about infertility,at least for me, has been that it has given me time to get myself together and really feel “ready” for the responsibility of another human being. When my ex and I first started trying were pretty oblivious to just about everything baby. As time went on, we bought the house, we purchased family sedans, we got good jobs with medical benefits and kick ass maternity leave. We took care of my nephew…a LOT. We learned a lot and felt more prepared…to be grown ups. Of course no amount of preparedness can match what you really encounter when a child comes into your life. However, I thik that doing all that you are, one step at a time, teaches patience and will really help you to feel ready when the time is right. That’s not saying that it will be easy because I know it won’t, but once you have your ducks in a row in other areas of your life it brings about a sense of calmness and maturity that might just surprise you. Good for you and your lists and your one day at a time approach. That’s how we should all get through this.

  7. Belle August 2, 2011 at 12:26 #

    Hi Mo,
    I found your blog the other day and this post really resonates with me. Slowing down, lists, stress, depression and the roller coaster first year of marriage – all of it. Thank you for sharing and helping me put it all in perspective. Good luck on the lap. I’m sending you speedy recovery vibes!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Oh so THAT is why I have been craving crap food. « pursuingparenthood - July 31, 2011

    […] response to Mo’s subliminal messaging, I decided to make tea.  It is perfection.  Earl Grey with a little almond milk and raw sugar and […]

Show some love, comment-style

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: