Head Games

11 Jul

Today I’m 14DPO, CD35. Aunt Flo hasn’t arrived (I assume because of the progesterone), and I have been spending the last five  hours refreshing the same window on my browser. The one that will, sometime tonight, show me this morning’s beta results. Usually the blood tests show up on the site at 6pm. Once they didn’t show up until midnight. It’s now 9:30pm and nada. There are butterflies in my stomach and my head hurts. I keep on running to the bathroom, doing the TP dance, looking for spotting.

I haven’t POAS in three days. I was all out of them at the house, and I didn’t buy anymore, convinced, that this was it. This month is a bust.

On Saturday night I had a freak-out moment. I don’t even know what triggered it. I was kissing Shmerson, and all of the sudden I felt like a fat useless blob. Like nothing. I had a panic attack. For the first time in a long time. In the bathroom, choking and gagging over the sink, I told Shmerson that I was done. I want my right tube gone. I can’t handle another month like this. This is hard enough as it is, so the less question marks the better.

Then Sunday rolled around and I decided to wait one more day for the beta. I saw a tiny bit of brown spotting in the middle of the day. Then the real head games started. Maybe that’s implantation bleeding? I’m still feeling nauseous. Maybe I’m pregnant after all?

So off I went this morning to the lab to get my betas taken again. After that was done I picked up a pee stick at the pharmacy and ran to the bathroom in the building. BFN. But this isn’t an early detection test. This isn’t FMU. There’s still a chance. Please let there be a chance.

Even though I know there’s really not much of a chance at all. Even though I know I’m just going through the motions and getting my hopes up for nothing. Even though I know that in a week or two, once AF has come and gone, I’ll be in Dr. Twofer’s office begging him to remove my tube, because I’d rather have one working tube than have two and risk another ectopic. One less question mark. One less head game to mess with me.

As I write this I keep on going back to that webpage and hitting refresh. Butterflies in my stomach each time I do. Knowing that it’s most likely going to be negative. Trying to ready myself for the blow, but knowing that when I see that negative test result, I’ll be crushed for the second time in 4 days. Because somehow I managed to get my hopes up again. Apparently I have a tendency toward masochism.

I’m afraid to hit “publish” on this post. It seems so final. What if I hit refresh one more time, and the results will be there, and they’ll be positive, and then I can erase this whole post and start again, announcing a pregnancy. Starting a whole new round of head games and anxiety.

But I have nothing else to write. So I’ll publish. But first I’ll hit refresh one more time.

***UPDATE: Half an hour later, and the results are in. I am, indeed, a masochist.

20 Responses to “Head Games”

  1. bodegabliss July 11, 2011 at 22:27 #

    Gah, it’s a really good thing we weren’t together Saturday night. I’m so sorry lady. Do know that I love you tons, masochism and all. xoxox

  2. Betsy July 11, 2011 at 22:45 #

    I see on the side of your site that you updated Twitter…I’m so sorry! I hate this.

  3. missohkay July 11, 2011 at 23:52 #

    The head games are the worst part. Well, maybe not worse than hospitalized and shot up with chemo drugs, but still pretty bad. Much love to you.

  4. Kristen July 11, 2011 at 23:57 #

    Ugh…so sorry! Was really, really hoping for a BFP for you today. Hugs.

  5. Teejay July 12, 2011 at 00:00 #

    So sorry. The head games we play with ourselves really suck. Most of the time it just makes everything so much worse. We all do it so you are not alone in your masochistic ways. (hugs)

  6. Cattiz J July 12, 2011 at 00:06 #

    The hope have some way of getting the mind spinning and all the ‘what if’ questions to roll around. Sorry about the negative result. It really sucks.

  7. me0me July 12, 2011 at 01:31 #

    Sorry too about the negative result. hate to say at least you know, but, you know, at least you know. Gahd I want it to get better! ❤

  8. Wannabemom July 12, 2011 at 02:12 #

    Balls. I’m sorry for the outcome. I hate the head games. I play them until I bleed too.

  9. chon1203 July 12, 2011 at 03:39 #

    I am sorry Mo I really hoped this was it for you. Sending you lots of hugs from Australia. xx

  10. On Standby July 12, 2011 at 03:47 #

    I so wish that I could wave a magic wand and change those results. So sorry.

  11. Christina July 12, 2011 at 04:21 #

    They really need to post some kind of bonus/pick-me-up when they give you negative results. “The test was negative, but here is a gift card/ coupon/ voucher for free chocolate.” While it doesn’t make it better, at least they are acknowledging the suckitude of the situation.

    Everyone that is TTC with IF is a bit masochistic in a way. We’ll put ourselves through hell and back if it meant getting and staying pregnant.

    • Mo July 12, 2011 at 13:23 #

      I say cash. Definitely cash as a consolation. I should start a foundation or something: Cash for BFNs – giving consolation prizes to infertiles everywhere!

    • eggsinarow July 12, 2011 at 20:45 #

      This is a fabulous idea. A lovely parting gift would make test results a little bit less hard, right?

  12. Suzy July 12, 2011 at 12:17 #

    Oh Mo. Its all such a bunch of crap. The terrible thing is that despite how many things are telling us there is no way we are pregnant, that bubble of hope hangs around with its “maybe its too early!” “maybe I implanted later than usual” etc etc.
    Wishing you peace and reminding you that you are NOT a fat useless blob, and I really hope with all I have that one day you will be holding your beautiful baby in your arms.

  13. Mo July 12, 2011 at 13:21 #

    Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all of your love and support. I’m doing better today. Hopefully things are on the upswing. Love you guys!

  14. wombattwo July 12, 2011 at 13:57 #

    So sorry. Sending hugs, it sucks so much x

  15. A. July 12, 2011 at 21:07 #

    Crap, so sorry, Mo:( So many hugs to you!

  16. Port of Indecision July 13, 2011 at 03:29 #

    You’re in good company with the masochism.

    Sorry about the results.

  17. starfishkittydreams July 14, 2011 at 00:15 #

    I am sorry about the results. That really blows.

    I too fantasize that I will get a healthy pregnancy and all this drama will just melt away.

  18. whoismom July 14, 2011 at 07:30 #

    There’s nothing worse than that “square one” feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the results — hang in there!

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