The Hardest Year of My Life

7 Jul

In July of 2010, at 8 weeks pregnant, I found out I had a Blighted Ovum.

In July of 2011, I went in for a blood test, hoping against all hope that this time things would work out perfectly for a change. I was wrong. I’m not pregnant.

Yes, the doctor said to go in again at 13 DPO just in case. But I seriously doubt the outcome will be different.

This year has sucked. I have spent most of it in limbo, depressed, on the verge of non-functioning. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I feel like I’ve climbed Mount Everest, and somehow still found myself at the foot of the mountain.

I don’t know how long it will take until I ovulate on the left again. I don’t know if it’ll work next time. What if my left tube just doesn’t work properly? What if there’s something wrong with me that we haven’t found yet? How much longer will I have to go through this?

Will I be right here, in this same exact place next July – only more tired, more desperate, and more hopeless? How many more two week waits? How many more losses before I either say enough is enough or I get to hold a baby in my arms?

Tonight I’m making sushi for dinner and having a nice long cry. This will be another night of hopelessness. One of hundreds that have already happened, one of who knows how many to come.

38 Responses to “The Hardest Year of My Life”

  1. Elphaba July 7, 2011 at 18:27 #

    Oh hun, I wish I could come give you a hug.

    • Mo July 7, 2011 at 22:14 #

      Get on a plane! (seriously)

  2. Esperanza July 7, 2011 at 18:28 #

    Sending love and hugs to you today. I’m so sorry.

  3. Sherrie July 7, 2011 at 18:32 #

    so sorry sweetie!
    my heart breaks with yours!!! 😦
    know I am thinking of you and sending lots of hugs and love!!

  4. July 7, 2011 at 18:35 #

    Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cooler, turns out you know how to make sushi.

    • Mo July 7, 2011 at 22:13 #

      This really made me smile. Thanks!

  5. Cattiz J July 7, 2011 at 18:39 #

    Damn it, I’m so sorry.

  6. Flowergirl July 7, 2011 at 20:35 #


    Gutted that it didn’t work this month, but, there are some more options if your tubes are knackered. Not as fun, but could work for you. This isn’t the end of the road and you will hopefully get there.

    You put a lot of pressure on yourself this month, when, given the timetable caused by military service, it was always going to be a long shot. The amount of testing you did this month would have wound you up further, because you knew the timetable wasn’t going to be great in the first place. So stop beating yourself up. This is coming from a place of love – you’re very brave, and doing really well, but there are some things that you just have to let go of.

    • Mo July 7, 2011 at 22:17 #

      You’re right. Thanks for the insight.

      • Flowergirl July 8, 2011 at 09:18 #

        Hope this didn’t come across too harsh, but I’m a reader of your blog, and can see myself in you in many ways, and sometimes we need someone to say something.

        I’m still not there – I obsessed all day on Monday about one cup of coffee and whether it was going to impact on this month’s attempts…

        Although, I agree it has been the suckiest of suck years for you.

        • Mo July 8, 2011 at 10:56 #

          Not at all, I truly and honestly appreciate what you said. I’m a big fan of telling it like it is, and I needed to hear (read?) that. Thank you.

  7. bodegabliss July 7, 2011 at 20:59 #

    I’m so sorry, lady. I wish I could take all of this away for you. I’m sending you so much love right now, I hope you can feel it.


  8. me0me July 7, 2011 at 21:00 #

    Very much with flowergirl right above me, and sending love and hugs and Goobers. Virtual at this point. ❤

  9. Wendy July 7, 2011 at 21:14 #

    That makes two of us. My solution to the no-baby blues: a week in the Greek Isles. Anyway, my RE told me that my time will come, and I believe the same for you. Sending you lots of encouragement. We all feel your pain. It will get better.

  10. Marie July 7, 2011 at 21:51 #

    I agree with Flowergirl and me0me. This WILL happen for you. Just because it didn’t happen this time doesn’t mean you have nothing left to hope for.

    Love and creepy hearts.

  11. eggsinarow July 7, 2011 at 22:00 #

    Oh, habibi, I’m so so so sorry. I hope and pray that this gets better, that today is the last day of the hardest year of your life. Seriously. Thinking of you. xoxoxo

  12. Betsy July 7, 2011 at 22:00 #

    I am so sorry! Sending lots of love your way.

  13. Mo July 7, 2011 at 22:18 #

    Thanks everyone. I seriously don’t know what I’d do without all of your love and support.

  14. Artistmouse July 7, 2011 at 23:43 #

    Big virtual hug, Mo!

  15. jjiraffe July 7, 2011 at 23:46 #

    Oh, man. I wish I could do something to take this shit away.

    Can I just echo and marvel at how crazy amazing it is that you can MAKE sushi?!

  16. Bad Wabbit July 8, 2011 at 00:50 #

    Virtual hugs to you. xx

  17. chon July 8, 2011 at 02:21 #

    I just want to say with my hand on my heart I do believe my first year of TTC was the hardest, I hope you don’t have to pass any other great milestones but it gets easier. I feel really strongly that leftie and spermy are really going to come to the party sooner rather than later. I can’t wait for the next announcement be it worked and it stuck and I am an awesome mum xx

    • Mo July 8, 2011 at 10:57 #

      I hope you’re right! xoxo

  18. Port of Indecision July 8, 2011 at 02:43 #

    Bah. Sorry about the negative. Hope ol’ lefty is kicking things into gear from here on out.

  19. Slackie O. July 8, 2011 at 02:54 #

    Well shit, that sucks. Sorry love.

  20. slcurwin July 8, 2011 at 03:48 #

    I wish I could be there with you right now. I feel like I`m leaning closer to the giving up end myself and that just kinda scares me. So in my backwards selfishness, I don`t want you going there too.

    • Mo July 8, 2011 at 10:58 #

      I’m not there yet, and I don’t want you to be either! Huge hugs!

  21. starfishkittydreams July 8, 2011 at 04:02 #

    I totally get your exhaustion. It seems overwhelming to think about all you’ve gone through in just a year! Despite that I am still hopeful that things will work out. I am pulling for you this month!

    • Mo July 8, 2011 at 10:57 #

      From your mouth to FSM’s ears. 🙂 Thanks hon.

  22. Mo July 8, 2011 at 10:58 #

    Seriously everyone, thank you so much. You guys are amazing!

  23. teejay July 8, 2011 at 15:31 #

    I agree with so many of your other commentors. There was a lot stacked against you this time. Think of how much more knowledge you have now since you’ve been tested. You know your right tube is pretty much useless and that you have your left side to rely on. Can you continue to be monitored each cycle to see which side is going to spit out the egg? If so, then you really have a good shot at success…and probably sooner than you think. And don’t forget (as I’m sure you haven’t) that you still have the option to turn to IVF if things don’t work as they should for you the “natural” way. Have a good cry (and I’m sure you enjoyed your sushi) and get yourself ready for the next attempt. I know it’s hard, believe me…but you can do this. How corny is that? Anyway, I think that with the knowledge you have and the medical coverage that you have, it won’t be long before you get your BFP. Sending you (((hugs))) across the ocean. Oh, and I fully intend on downloading Hanging with Friends. Do you do Words with Friends, too? I’ve got 5 games going right now. :-).

    • Mo July 8, 2011 at 20:58 #

      Thanks sweetie, you’re the best! And yes, of course I have WWF – Logicallibby and I have been dueling for months now. I have the same username there too. Add me! Add me! 😛

  24. zygotta July 9, 2011 at 16:14 #

    i’m so sorry MO – hugs to you
    many – as many as you need

  25. A. July 10, 2011 at 06:53 #

    So, so sorry, Mo. I do believe with all my heart that it will happen for you; it’s the unknown of not knowing how close or far away we are currently from our dream that kills us. Thinking of you and hoping that you have brighter days ahead in the very near future.

  26. whoismom July 10, 2011 at 15:36 #

    I was thinking of you and hoping–I’m so sorry! Hang in there!!

  27. Kristen July 11, 2011 at 02:09 #

    So sorry for this awful, awful year. I so hope you are on the verge of an amazing year where everything goes your way.
    For me it’s hard to contemplate going through more of what I’ve been through. I always try not to look too far into the future…it makes me crazy…try instead just to focus on the next step, the next procedure, you know? Can’t bear to think of what next July will look like because it could be amazing and include a baby…it could also be the same (no baby) with just a lot more pain behind me…
    Sorry to make this about me…your post just kind of strikes a nerve, though…know exactly where you’re coming from.

  28. egghunt July 11, 2011 at 06:45 #

    Hi Mo, I’m right here with you. It’s an awful, gut wrenching place to be… this no where land is very heavy indeed. Hoping you feel a bit better in the coming days and that somehow you’re blessed with everything lining up perfectly with lefty soon.
    I wish I could lift your spirits with some chirpy dance or happy quote, but honestly, I think its perfectly acceptable to feel miserable and acknowledging that its ok to feel that way is quite freeing. Because lets face it, this process is awful and having to feel pressued to find a brightside just makes it worse.
    Yours in misery,
    Egghunt xxx


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