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The List

24 Jun

Well, Shmerson came home for a blissful 10 hours. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies were baked, shrimp and spinach basil Gnocchi was cooked, a couple of “deposits” were made happily, much cuddling was had, and now he’s gone for almost two weeks.

After the second “deposit” Shmerson and I gave my eggs and his swimmers a nice little talking to. We explained to his guys that they have to swim to the left, and they have to hang out for a while. We explained to little lefty that she needs to pop soon, and go down Ole’ Lefty to meet the swimmers. Hopefully they were listening.

I’m up against two torturous weeks now. I know saying the word “torturous” may be a bit melodramatic, but so be it. I HATE it when Shmerson’s away. I have a really hard time caring for myself when he’s not around – something that I know I need to change. I think if anything, that’s going to be my mission for these next two weeks, ignore the fact that I’m on my TWW and concentrate on things like actually cooking myself meals, meeting friends, cleaning the house, and getting some work done.

I went to Dr. Happy Pills today and he upped my zoloft dosage, because it’s been evident that right now it’s not completely doing the trick. Hopefully that will help me in this endeavor.

For now – I’m obsessively using OPK’s, hoping that Shmerson’s little guys survive until my follie decides to pop, and everything goes smoothly. Most of my regular readers know I like to make lists, so I’ve decided to share with you my list of things that need to go right for us to actually come out with a baby from this month. I’ve italicized milestones that we’ve never reached before for easy understanding, and because I’m cool and organized like that. Now – on to the list! Yay lists!

  1. Shmerson’s super swimmers need to survive until my follie pops.
  2. This means that my follie better pop in the next 24-48 hours.
  3. Little Lefty needs to go down Ole’ Lefty, and meet the swimmers, to create an actual embryo.
  4. Embryo needs to nestle in properly, in the uterus.
  5. Betas need to double properly.
  6. We need to see a heartbeat.
  7. We need to make it past 8 weeks.
  8. We need to make it to the second trimester
  9. We need the scans to show a healthy baby.
  10. We need the baby to hang out in my uterus hopefully for a full nine months. 
  11. The baby needs to come out healthy and whole. 
  12. I need to stay healthy and whole. 
I know there are plenty of other milestones on the way that I’ve missed. Right now I’m hoping we make it to number 4. Then I’ll hope to make it to 5. If we’re lucky, we’ll hit six and seven. Hopefully from there I’ll be able to breathe just a little bit.
I realized the other day that I’ve been pregnant 3 times, and I’ve never once seen a heartbeat. I hope I get to someday, and hopefully someday soon.
Sometimes I close my eyes and fantasize about what will happen when I finally go into labor one day. I imagine the nurse asking me which pregnancy this is for me. I’ll answer it’s the fourth. She’ll smile and tell me that I must be an old pro. I’ll tell her it’s my first child and make her squirm. For some reason I’ve been liking the idea of making others squirm lately. Don’t know why. I just hope that it really will be the fourth, and we won’t have to say 5th, 6th, 7th, and so on. I don’t know how much more strength I have for this.
But for right now all I can do is convince myself that Nachos for both lunch and dinner are not a healthy nutritional decision, and that staring at the second line on the OPK won’t magically make it darker.
That, at least, would be progress.
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12 Responses to “The List”

  1. Advo.cat June 24, 2011 at 00:37 #

    Ugh, I hear ya about the travel. At first (before the TTC saga) I liked being alone for a couple weeks because I got to do whatever I wanted without justification (I mean like watch lame TV shows, hang out with single friends, not shave my arm pits, etc.). But now it seems like every time we get a chance to make a baby, he’s away. In fact, given my 50 days cycles, we’ve only had ONE opportunity to conceive in 2011 (which was in Israel, btw). Super lame! Anyway, I hope your talking to set those swimmers and egg straight and that you survive this TWW and come out of it with a healthy offspring.

  2. Slackie O. June 24, 2011 at 03:29 #

    That you have a second line on the OPK is at least a good sign… good luck!

  3. BleedingTulip June 24, 2011 at 07:38 #

    I don’t tend to take good care of myself when Hubster is out of town either…I think it’s normal. (*in creepy horror-movie little kid voice* yay, nor-mal!)

    BTW – I like your shirt. And I too like making people squirm. Hey, if we have to deal with the shittyness of IF, we should totally get to use it to make people squirm for our amusement. Right? Right!

    Good luck with the nachos, doughnuts, OPK’s and general sanity. I know in another month or so I’m going to be back in the middle of staring-intently-at-pee-sticks and fighting insanity.

  4. A. June 24, 2011 at 13:56 #

    Sending you tons of good vibes that you make it to the end of the list, with the set of objectives progressing seamlessly from this month onwards!! I also hate hate being alone when Y is in miluim or at conferences. I just have such a difficult time sleeping and it makes me feel sort of ridiculous since obviously I managed just fine before we were married. Anyhow, thinking of you and hoping the 2ww begins pronto and that you own this cycle!

  5. Christina June 24, 2011 at 14:02 #

    I love a good list! Here’s to you checking those items off in the very near future!

  6. zygotta June 24, 2011 at 15:43 #

    go follie, go swimmer – meet on the left, implant at the top of the uterus! Show your mommy a healthy heartbeat!!!

  7. Cattiz J June 24, 2011 at 18:11 #

    It’s not fun being home alone, I agee. Try to take care of yourself now. And start ticking off that list, one by one, nice and steady.

  8. Port of Indecision June 24, 2011 at 19:54 #

    You should have your ute read this blog post so it gets the message 🙂

  9. Kelly June 24, 2011 at 21:12 #

    be kind to yourself while he’s away – watch the shows you want, cuddle the dog, get a massage, chill out at a cafe.
    Walk in the am when it’s cool out!
    Be selfish, and be kind to your body – (try) to enjoy the simple things like really good dark chocolate and how cute dogs are when they’re sleeping and dreaming!

  10. starfishkittydreams June 24, 2011 at 22:58 #

    Your list is awesome!

    It’s very cool that you know it’s the one on the left and you have a good visual of where things are. It sounds like conditions are encouraging even with the time lag. Go little swimmers!

    I totally here your concern about being alone while your hubby is away. I get really nutty when my partner has to be away.

  11. marriage20 June 24, 2011 at 23:32 #

    I heart lists!!!! I can sympathize about missing your hubs. When mine travels, I am much more likely to eat a bowl of ice cream for dinner. He never lets me get away with that when he’s home. 🙂

    I hope you have a peaceful TWW and that it gives you a chance to tackle some of your self care goals.

    Thinking of you lots!

  12. Lindsey June 25, 2011 at 01:28 #

    Hoping that the little swimmers hang in there and do there job! Hi from ICLW!

    I know how hard it is not to have the hubs around. Navy wife..deployment…a school…underways….we didn’t even live together the first 3 years we were married. 😦

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