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Answers

12 Jun

Well – I don’t know where to start, so I guess I’ll describe the HSG itself – just cause I’m sure there are a couple of people out there who are curious.

Shmerson was in the room with me. Inserting the catheter hurt. A lot. Once it was in Shmerson went with the doctors and techs behind that radiation-proof wall and saw the test. The doctor administering the test doesn’t give clear cut answers on the spot because he goes back and re-examines the film to give details.

So for now – all I know is the information that Shmerson relayed to me from being in the room. I should have official written up results later tonight or tomorrow, then an appt. with Twofer on Wed. to figure out what’s next.

So – the catheter was inserted and the ink started going through. It hurt. It hurt so much I was yelling. In between my screams of “OOOOWWWWW!” I heard one of the techs say “it’s stuck”. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, thank goodness it was over. The nurses claimed I was a hero – that in cases similar to mine the woman usually does much worse than yell. I smiled to myself and thought – “after three miscarriages my pain threshold is officially in another stratosphere”.

So – the Doctor didn’t give official diagnostics in the room. All he said was “there’s something there”. Here’s a recounting of what was said in front of Shmerson:

The Uterus filled up quickly. It took a while for the spill to reach the left tube, so they think there’s some kind of blockage there, but eventually, it did fill up completely. The right tube, on the other hand, is very clearly blocked. The pain I felt was them pushing the ink through. It did get through eventually – but not without a struggle, and perhaps not fully (we’ll know that with the official write up).

Shmerson said the Dr. that performed the procedure made an off-handed comment that with his patients, he’d recommend IVF in this situation immediately.

That doesn’t mean that is what’s happening. This Dr. doesn’t know our history, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt. Of course, we need to wait for official results, and then our appt with Twofer on Wednesday to know our next steps for sure.

But you know what? I’m ok with waiting for a change.

I FINALLY HAVE ANSWERS!

I know now the reason for my last two miscarriages. I’m guessing there’s scarring and damage from the D&C. That’s the most likely culprit.

But guys – there’s an answer! I can’t describe the incredible sense of relief that I have right now. ANSWERS!

I have spent the last week dreading this test. Mentally preparing myself for the inevitability of a fourth miscarriage. Now – there’s this incredible ray of light shining at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever it is, however it’s treated – we have a reason. Which means we have a solution.

I don’t know what I’m about to face. It could be surgery, it could be IVF. All I know is this:

As difficult as the road ahead may be – I am lucky.

The referral for the HSG put my diagnosis as “Infertility Female”. It was the first time I had seen it in writing. But now, it’s no longer unexplained. I know why I lost my babies. I know there are solutions.

No matter what torture my body will have to go through in the coming months I know it’s NOTHING compared to the heartbreak of loss after loss with no answers. I know that now I will finally have a path. It may not be an easy one, but it will be illuminated.

I am so grateful for my body. It recognized the ectopic pregnancies and ended them before they became dangerous to me. Things could have been so much worse.

And here I am. An infertile with a diagnosis! Not official yet – but that’s on the way. In the coming days and weeks I’ll have answers. I’ll know what lies ahead. For the first time in a year – I’ll know. I’ll know that any surgery or hormones or monitoring that I have is for a reason. I’ll know that there is hope. A diagnosis. Hope. Did I mention hope?

The road ahead of us is still long. There are still questions to be asked and answered. But all I can do now is feel that pain on the right side of my stomach, the one that’s been there for more than six months, now exacerbated by the invasion of that radioactive dye,  and know that it’s the physical manifestation of my losses.

There’s a reason. There’s an answer. There’s a path. I am flooded with relief and gratitude. I am humbled. I am hopeful.

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17 Responses to “Answers”

  1. raanan June 12, 2011 at 19:33 #

    you are awsome!

  2. C June 12, 2011 at 20:03 #

    I hope these test results are going to lead to a baby for you. Getting answers is such a huge step!

  3. starfishkittydreams June 12, 2011 at 20:06 #

    What an intense experience! Those things hurt like hell! I actually passed out at the end of mine. How amazing that it led you to a potential cause! As crappy as that was, it sounded very productive and encouraging to find SOMETHING. Armed with this new information it sounds like you may be able to take some real action to confidently have a healthy next pregnancy. Totally awesome!

  4. babywishes25 June 12, 2011 at 20:57 #

    I agree, you are awesome! I really hope a baby is at the end of your journey x

  5. Christina June 12, 2011 at 23:05 #

    Yay for Answers! I’m sorry to hear your HSG was so painful and that it appears you have some blockage in both tubes. Here’s to these answers leading to a plan and cumulating in a baby!

  6. Betsy June 12, 2011 at 23:47 #

    YAY for answers!

    • Betsy June 12, 2011 at 23:47 #

      and good luck with the next step!

  7. zygotta June 13, 2011 at 01:02 #

    feel very happy for you 🙂

    • babycrazykiwi June 13, 2011 at 03:02 #

      What a relief it must be to have some answers. I hope this speeds up your journey to have baby as you deserve to be happy!!

  8. Kristin June 13, 2011 at 06:56 #

    Oh honey…I am so, so happy you have some answers. I remember how relieved I was when I finally got a diagnosis. I am hoping that now that you have a diagnosis, your road to parenthood will be short.

  9. BleedingTulip June 13, 2011 at 07:58 #

    While people never idyllically dream about any infertility assistance… my heart swells with happiness and hope for you. To finally know WHY, and know that there are OPTIONS and TREATMENTS. *hugs*

  10. jjiraffe June 13, 2011 at 09:06 #

    I’m so sorry you had to go through the dreaded HSG (MTF hurts!) but I’m glad you have some answers. That must provide you with a sense of relief. Now next steps can be recommended instead of being stuck in limbo world…yay.

  11. me0me June 13, 2011 at 20:53 #

    Answers are our friends… I so understand how you’ve regained your piece of mind. Very happy for the relief!

  12. teejay June 13, 2011 at 21:33 #

    I had a feeling that was the answer you were going to get. I’m sorry that you have the condition in the first place, but I’m glad that you finally know for sure what has been going on in your body. I’m really hoping that you can get everything straight so that you can get that baby you so badly want and deserve. Answers will always lift a weight off your shoulders. At least you now have a starting point. Whether you go down the road of surgery or IVF or whatever else they may come up with, you will have a plan and that has got to make you feel better. Yay for answers!

  13. Mo June 14, 2011 at 02:06 #

    Thanks for all the awesome comments everyone. You’re all amazing. As usual! 🙂

  14. Libby June 14, 2011 at 04:05 #

    I remember my HSG. The tech said it would be a “pinch.” He must have no pain threshold, or people who pinch him really fucking hard.

  15. Kelly June 22, 2011 at 02:28 #

    it’s nice to know, and make up a plan!
    I’m going for surgery (it’s free in Canada) this summer. Turning it into a vacation (I work away on shift at a mine, so week on week off, and we have to go to the rioting city of Vancouver), might be a bit naive, but make the best out of it!

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