A Letter to an Old Friend

31 May

Dear Aunt Flo,

I know that in most cases I’m not very nice to you. I sometimes cry when you show up, or I curse because of all the cramping and the bloating and stuff that you cause. I’m really truly very sorry about that. I promise that I’ll make an effort to be nicer to you in the future.

But listen – just this once, I really need you to put your bitterness aside and cut me a break. I just need you to show up a couple of days early. Just a couple of days before my little iphone app is predicting that you’ll come.

Because if you don’t, then I’ll have to wait with that HSG, and probably go through hell trying to reschedule it, and well, that would suck.

Look – I’m sure you’re gonna hurt like a mofo this month, because you always do after a miscarriage. Unfortunately I already know that.

But I forgive you in advance. I don’t care how much you hurt me, please just come to visit a couple of days early. I can take the abuse. I promise not to get mad if you get all heavy on me. I promise to feed you chocolate and burgers if you call for it. I promise only to go to yoga if you deem it appropriate. I promise only to use sanitary pads and let you flow freely and do your thing.

Just do me this one solid, OK? Just this once. Cut a girl some slack, will you? I mean, I’m only human.

Remember the good times. How I’ve stuck up for you in the past. I’ve even told my husband that he needs to learn to love you because you’re made up of the stuff that will eventually, hopefully hold his baby. So let’s hang on to those good times, ok? Say you miss me and come over early. Not by much. Just a day or two.

Thanks in advance!

Your Friend (really! I swear! Be mine too!),


11 Responses to “A Letter to an Old Friend”

  1. Libby May 31, 2011 at 03:37 #

    I have been having my period every two weeks, for three months. Yeah, “fertility plan” my ass.

    • Mo May 31, 2011 at 10:06 #

      Oy. I suggest you reason with her to leave your uterus and come over to mine. who knows? maybe it’ll work. 🙂

  2. Baker May 31, 2011 at 03:58 #

    I hope your letter works better than mine did. Of course I didn’t offer chocolate and cheeseburgers! Hoping that you’re able to go through with the HSG as planned and not have to deal with rescheduling.

    • Mo May 31, 2011 at 10:06 #

      Thanks! I just saw your post. Apparently great minds think alike. 🙂 I’m hoping the noble cause plus the bribe does the trick. We shall see.

  3. me0me May 31, 2011 at 20:03 #

    I say, just for the sake of really playing it safe, throw bacon in there. Let’s see if THAT doesn’t draw her in.

    • Mo June 1, 2011 at 23:26 #

      I spent the evening with Shmerson’s parents, so bacon was out of the question. Maybe that’s why she didn’t show. The biyatch.

  4. C June 1, 2011 at 03:32 #

    You know what works better than trying to reason with your uterus? Murphy’s Law. Go put on your most expensive white panties.

    • Mo June 1, 2011 at 23:27 #

      Alas, I only saw this comment after I had already left the house with a ratty pair of grannypanties. So sad.

  5. Kristin June 1, 2011 at 06:48 #

    Chocolate and cheeseburgers are a worthy bribe. Good luck.

  6. marriage20 June 1, 2011 at 12:54 #

    Hope she shows up soon!! Hugs

  7. Mrs. Brightside June 2, 2011 at 07:12 #

    I hope that beyatch shows up soon. I have also been reasoning with my uterus, but in my case willing AF to NOT show up yet so that some tests don’t coincide with a vacation. Seriously obsessing over this, as if that does any good.

    p.s. I hate that we both can say things like “I’m sure you’re gonna hurt like a mofo this month, because you always do after a miscarriage.” Not exactly the experience I was hoping to add to my resume, my unique expertise in miscarriages. dah.

    p.p.s. Sorry to be MIA lately. But know that i have been reading and thinking of you.

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