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Anniversary Week Post 5 – I Want My Husband.

24 May

“You can only bring one person in with you.”

It’s the end of July. I have just been diagnosed with a blighted ovum. I’m at the hospital to get a D&C. Both Shmerson and my mother are there. At patient intake that is what I am told.

One person.

I look at both of them. I know they both want to come. I am scared out of my mind.

“My husband. I want my husband.”

That’s the moment I realized that I was truly married.

I mean – I think a lot of people who get married never really get MARRIED. But Shmerson and I – well, we were about three months into our marriage. And we were a family already.

This was the first of many realizations about love, marriage and family that I have had in this last year. This first year of marriage. This year of depression, anxiety, loss, and growth. When you get married, even before you have children, remember – you are already a family.

This choice – my husband over my mother. This choice proved to me that I was truly a ‘wife’ now.

I didn’t have to force myself to make that decision. It was my husband. Of course it was my husband. I didn’t even blink.

“I want my husband.”

I think that’s been the crux of our first year of marriage. We are truly a family. We have truly learned what that means.

***

It’s November 19th. We have just decided to move back to our old studio apartment in my hometown, to take things easy and regroup after our second loss in three months.

I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been functioning. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night screaming.

3:30am. I’ve had another panic attack. My third or maybe fourth that day. I go to another room to watch something stupid on my computer to try to distract myself and tire myself out so I will be able to sleep. We have a lot of packing to do. The movers are coming the next day.

4am. I feel a bit calmer. I go into the shower. I don’t even know what sets off another attack. But all I see is a dark gaping hole and horror. Complete terrifying horror. I collapse in the shower, screaming. The water still running.

Shmerson, who was fast asleep in the other room, runs into the bathroom. My screams have woken him up. This isn’t the first time, either.

He turns off the water, grabs a towel, and wraps me in it. He hugs me and tells me that he loves me. That’s all he can do, really.

A month later I’ve finally come to my senses enough to understand that I can’t go on living this way. I break down and find a psychiatrist. The panic attacks finally stop, and I start this blog.

And through all of that, through all of this – there is my husband. Cheering me on. Telling me he loves me. Telling me I’m beautiful despite the extra 20 pounds that three failed pregnancies and months of anxiety and depression have added to my already plump figure. Despite the fact that I spend half of my time a total and complete mess. And I sometimes take it out on him. He tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful.

Through all of this – he is there.

April 2oth (wow, i can’t believe it’s only been just over a month. it feels like eons) was the first time I’d ever had to spend the night in the hospital. I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know what was going on. Shmerson didn’t leave my side for a second. And when they kicked him out of my room at 2am that night, he slept on a cot in the hallway. Just so I would know he was there.

This is the man that I have married.  A man who has been with me through the hardest year of my life. Probably of his as well. A man that still makes me laugh, that reads this blog every day and has become a huge supporter and a part of this community that I have found for myself. For both of us. A man who takes it in stride when I unceremoniously announce to him that in a year we’ll be flying to the States to attend a wedding of a woman who I’ve never met in real life, but who I love like a sister. Who celebrates with me when another announces her pregnancy after more than a year of trying. Who emails back and forth with another, talking about Whiskey and inviting her to crash on our futon. Who gets it. Who gets why I need this space and cherishes it as much as I do.

A man that bravely stood up a couple of months ago and wrote openly about our losses on facebook, because he wanted to be there to support others.

My husband.

****

When you get married, there are always little nuggets of doubt. My brother is divorced, and just leading up to our wedding, I was kind of freaking out. I talked to my brother about my fear. About loving Shmerson, but worrying that maybe that wasn’t enough.

My brother told me that we were perfect for each other, and I should calm the fuck down.

He was right.

My body and my soul have been through the ringer during this last year. I have been at the lowest points possible. The literal depths of pain, despair, and grief.

I have also grown, and learned, and tried to find meaning through all of this.

I often talk about that. About finding meaning in this insane roller coaster of a year. Trying to find a “why”.

I don’t know why. There are very few things I know. In fact, I feel like each time I’ve got things figured out, I get bitch slapped and realize that I probably know nothing.

But there’s one thing I do know: We have gotten through this. We continue to. We continue to love and support each other through this. Our first year of marriage will always be this sad pit of grief and despair.

But it will also be the year that we learned how to be a family.

The year that we learned how to compromise our plans to help each other, and still be happy within that compromise.

The year we realized that we will be amazing parents, because now we will love and appreciate a healthy baby more than we ever thought possible.

The year that we pulled each other out of the muck and mire of loss and depression.

The year that we learned just how strong we really are.

The year that we started the new tradition of high-fives and saying how much we rock when we get stuff done, or find a healthy compromise and make tough decisions.

As I wrote these last few sentences, I started crying. Shmerson had just gotten out of the shower. He sat next to me on the couch, buck naked. He put his arm around my shoulders and said:

Next year we’ll have much happier stories to tell.

I hope so. I really do. But even if we don’t, I know we’ll get through it. As a family. Because that’s what we do. Because we rock. *High Five*

Tomorrow – Shmerson insists on telling his side of the story. 

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14 Responses to “Anniversary Week Post 5 – I Want My Husband.”

  1. bodegabliss May 24, 2011 at 01:21 #

    That was the sweetest post ever. I’m totally giving both of you a high-five (sadly, I’m dressed, though).

    Love.

    xoxo

    • Mo May 24, 2011 at 17:47 #

      LOL. I forgive you for being dressed. Being buck naked is over rated. Or something. 🙂

  2. Kristin May 24, 2011 at 01:48 #

    You guys do rock and any marriage that can get through shit like that will last forever. I know because my husband and I have survived a similar roller coaster and we’ve now been together for almost 19 years.

    PS…if you ever make it to the east coast of the US, let me know.

    • Mo May 24, 2011 at 17:47 #

      of course I will! Would love to meet you!

  3. zygotta May 24, 2011 at 01:48 #

    words? no words.
    hugs to you.

  4. Christina May 24, 2011 at 03:56 #

    I’m bawling. This is such an amazing post. So moving, so true, so real. I love it! (Now, I have to figure out how to blow my nose without vomiting).

    Congratulations on 1yr of being Mr & Mrs Shmerson

  5. Artistmouse May 24, 2011 at 05:15 #

    Thank you Mo for sharing a bit of your life, your love and your marriage with us. Isn’t it amazing to have such a strong partner, and knowing that you can support each other through pretty much anything after being through what you’ve been through in the past year? I wish you and Shmerson many, many more (happy/joyous) years together.

  6. BleedingTulip May 24, 2011 at 05:30 #

    My first year of marriage was tough as well. Everyone would look at me and tell me we should be in our “honeymoon phase” and that we would never make it as a married couple. Which really. didn’t. help.

    I look back at our first year, how difficult it was, it really did force us to lean on each other, and reinforce our commitment to our marriage.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You two are an inspiration 🙂 I wish I could give you both big hugs!

  7. Cattiz J May 24, 2011 at 14:31 #

    What a wonderful anniversary week, thanks for sharing your story so openly and honest. You guys rock together! No doubt about it.

  8. me0me May 24, 2011 at 17:13 #

    so many tears so early in the day…! I think true commitment is so seldom believed in and therefore kind of underrated… I also think it’s the best thing I know. At least this far. Happy anniversary week 🙂

  9. missohkay May 24, 2011 at 17:41 #

    I’m in tears too. You are both so lucky. My husband and I are also in the lucky camp; so many couples aren’t. The thing we’ve started doing: when one of us comes in the door after work or class or just being out, the other applauds. It feels awesome.

  10. Mo May 24, 2011 at 17:48 #

    Thanks everyone. You’re all awesome. *high five*

  11. Jamie May 24, 2011 at 19:56 #

    What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!

    Traveled in from ICLWland.

  12. slcurwin May 27, 2011 at 05:25 #

    You are perfect for each other…and I really hope that’s exactly how your brother said it. It makes me like him.

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