7 May

I’ve been smoking at least a cigarette a day every day since Saturday.

I haven’t been blogging.

I haven’t been talking to my friends.

I haven’t been eating healthy.

I haven’t been going to yoga.

I haven’t been sleeping well.

I’ve been angry. Angry at myself for falling so easily back into my old patterns. Angry at myself for not being strong enough to even use this space and the wonderful women I have here as a place to gain strength. Even though I have been shown a dozen times over this week how much strength this little corner of the blogosphere can give me.

Three weeks ago I think I reached a sort of peak. An optimum space of optimism. A place where I dressed up nicely before leaving the house. A place where I made love to my husband just for the sake of making love to him. A place where I felt happy and whole.

Then “That” happened. Again. And I spent a week or so pretending to be strong. To be over it. Because all in all I wasn’t feeling sad.

No. I wasn’t feeling sad.

I was – I am – angry. I’m angry that I have spent the last six months feeling like I was working toward something. Working and feeling hopeful. And all of that got wiped away sometime between peeing on a stick and seeing two lines and getting that hospital bracelet put on me. Somewhere in those three hours between the positive pregnancy test and the bleeding, and hearing the word “ectopic.”

All that work. All that waiting. For what? For a methotrexate shot in the backside, blood monitoring, and no answers. For the real lesson: that I can’t control a thing. Not even my own freaking body.  That no matter what plan I think I have, no matter how much I take care of myself, that still doesn’t mean I’m gonna get a baby at the end of it all.

That pisses me off.

On the drive home from friday night dinner tonight Shmerson and I got to talking. It wasn’t really a fight. But I did do a lot of yelling. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I know the lesson here. I know it. I just need to digest it. I need to make peace with it.

I need to take care of my body and my soul regardless – not just so I can carry a baby to term, but because in general – I need to take care of my body and my soul.

And no matter what we try, and no matter how much control we try to have – in this journey there are no guarantees. That’s why I can go to acupuncture, quit smoking, eat healthy, take yoga, find some inner peace, and still miscarry. And another woman can chain smoke, drink, snort coke, and still carry a baby to term.

This is just how life is. I can either embrace it or just continue to be pissed and self destruct.

I know that’s the lesson. But please be patient with me while I digest it. Because for now, yes, I’m smoking a cigarette a day. And I’m fucking angry and frustrated and impatient. And I’m pissed that I have to wait until Wed. for my appointment with Dr. Twofer. And I’m pissed that it may be at least another month before I have any answers. But at least I’m going back to yoga (I have a one-on-one session scheduled for next week) and I haven’t stopped acupuncture. And at least I bought celery at the supermarket a couple of days ago instead of cookies. And here I am, blogging through it. And talking to you amazing women. And my marriage is still solid and honest, and that one cigarette a day isn’t being hidden from my husband. And for that I’m grateful.

One step at a time.

11 Responses to “Anger”

  1. Marie May 7, 2011 at 00:44 #

    That wasn’t nearly as depressing as you made it sound like it was gonna be.

    And you know what my therapist would tell you to do with all that anger?

    Punch a pillow.

    Stomp your feet.

    Yell, “I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!”

    Cry and scream and sob and throw things and let that energy do what it wants to do.

    Maybe she wouldn’t encourage you to smoke cigarettes, but the rest of it… Way healthy.

    Keep up the good work, sweetie.

  2. Kristin May 7, 2011 at 06:02 #

    I think you are amazing. To have gone through all this and to only be smoking 1 cigarette a day is truly impressive. Everything else, the anger, the frustration, that is all normal and part of grief. Keep on keeping on and remember I’m only a phone call away.

  3. jjiraffe May 7, 2011 at 07:07 #

    You are allowed to feel as angry as you like! We’ll all be here at your back while you stomp and rage. Don’t feel you have to sugarcoat anything for us. I like Kristin’s advice: “Keep on Keeping On.”


  4. Christina May 7, 2011 at 15:01 #

    You’re allowed to be angry and mad and frustrated. There is healing in acknowledging and letting your emotions out. And the fact that you realize what the “lesson” is, is a huge deal. Accepting it and all isn’t going to be easy, but nothing in life that is actually worth something is easy.

    Take care and you’ll get there!

  5. me0me May 7, 2011 at 17:15 #

    You know when I wrote the other that I want you to refrain from the third cigarette? It was because I was deadly afraid of you going back to a pack a day, like you did the last time you quit quitting. At the risk of the wrath of all things American and stuff, I think a cigarette a day is not only healthy, it’s actually impressive. It’s giving yourself an outlet without erasing your achievements. Kudos to you woman. Do watch out for, you know, it being more than a cigarette a day; I personally believe a cigarette every other day is a better way of refraining from going back to full on smoking.
    And besides heading that issue head on, I think you’re braving this out so amazingly by keeping on- as others have said above. Please keep blogging. Keep reaching out when you can, and as much as you are able to, accept yourself when you can’t. Your healing process is 100% your own, no one, most of all yourself, can’t dictate how it should go. And I know it will get better (though I’m sorry if you don’t feel like hearing that right this minute…)

  6. Flowergirl May 7, 2011 at 17:52 #

    Hi, just to say, I’m really feeling for you as you go through this, I’ve been reading your blog for a while. Are you getting some counselling support? If not, I would recommend some to work through these issues – I had some after my first failed IVF at the time when I was tired of being strong – so not immediately after the failure but later when I couldn’t get through a day at work without crying. It helped loads.
    I would also say, that whilst you can’t control your body, by doing all those healthy things, you are controlling those bits that you can control and doing all that you can to get a successful outcome. You can only control yourself, and by doing that, I wish you some mental peace that you have done all you can. THink this way, you’ve done all you can to get a positive outcome, surely much better than wondering what if… what if I’d got the same result and hadn’t done those things, you would be beating yourself up that you could perhaps have done something.
    Finally, please these are early days, you need to give yourself some time, and I think you are doing really well to still be going.
    FG x

  7. Baker May 7, 2011 at 19:22 #

    You are very strong. And smart. Keep doing what you need to do to get through this. Yell. Scream. Break something (of course make sure it’s nothing too valuable). Smoking one cigarette a day is fine if it gets you through this and you don’t revert back to smoking more. I know my diet went bye-bye for a little bit after my last miscarriage. I ate what I needed to get through the day. With a little bit of time I was able to get back to my diet. I think you, too, will get back to not smoking.

    I can empathize with you. My last miscarriage pissed me off rather than making me really sad. I was positive our third round of meds didn’t work and was just waiting for AF to come so I could set up an appointment with my doctor. Then I got a positive and a few days later a miscarriage. Very much like you, I wasn’t sad I was pissed. I would have been okay if the meds hadn’t worked but then I had to get a glimmer of hope, only to have it crushed.

    Keep working through this in whatever way works for you. And know that you have support.

  8. Mrs. Brightside May 8, 2011 at 17:07 #

    I totally get this. I feel so bitter that everything I put my energy into this past year – acupuncture, yoga, meditation, eating healthy – didn’t do sh** and I still miscarried. It didn’t change a g-damned thing. It makes me want to cry getting back into these things, but the sad truth is that it makes all this crap more tolerable, is good for me even if does nothing for the goal of a healthy pregnancy. My rebellion took the form of eating whatever the hell I wanted, which felt awesomely self-indulgent and comforting for about a week… and then I just felt like crap and was dying for an apple. I’m bitter and tired, but letting myself feel this way for a while since have to wait to try again anyway, hoping I’ll find the strength and optimism to “be good” again soon enough.

  9. Rocky May 8, 2011 at 22:39 #

    Just to say that ‘learning you can’t control everything’ is one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned (and keep on learning all the time).

  10. slcurwin May 9, 2011 at 23:51 #

    Well, you know me. The queen of angry. I think if ever there was a time and a place for it…it’s here. We love you and know you need to work through your anger and venting is a great way to start. Much better than keeping it in.

  11. marriage20 May 9, 2011 at 23:55 #

    Be kind and generous to yourself in your grief. It sucks so much that you have to go through this, but you are going through it like a champ.

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