Dear Body, You Suck.

3 May

You know how sometimes you think you’re fine and then you’re really not?

Yeah – I thought I was ok. Kind of. Today that theory was proven as wrong. Kind of. I don’t know. I just know that I hate my body.

I was feeling kind of out of it today – but all around ok. At least I was being productive. Getting the site for my business up, editing my showreel.

Then I started bleeding again. And well – it all went downhill from there.

I thought I was done. I have had only light brown spotting on and off for like, three days. I even told squish on the phone today that I think the bleeding is done with.

Two hours later I’m in the bathroom and we’re back to bright red.

I was planning on going back to yoga today and since I was still feeling ok I figured I’d go. If you remember – my yoga instructor has been made very aware of my situation in general with the miscarriages.

So I admit – I was dreading going in there today. Telling him that we had another one. Before leaving the house I put on my yoga clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. I think I’ve gained at least 5 pounds in the last two weeks. I feel bloated and fat. I think I may be back to 160 pounds. I’m afraid to weigh myself to fine out.

Just the act of getting in the car made me cry. Then I ran through the conversation in my head. I cried some more.

I paced back and forth in front of the studio. I cried.

I went in and of course he was awesome as usual. I told him what happened and he set up a mat for me in the farthest corner of the room, so that I could cry if I needed – or whatever I needed. He said to do what I could.

During the class he was extra sensitive. Turns out there were some early preggos in the class today. But he didn’t say “for the pregnant women” when giving his instructors. He said “for those worrying about an extra person.” I know that was meant for me. He came by a few times during the class just to check on me. Make sure I was holding it together.

And I was. But the thing is that toward the end of class I started cramping again. I felt a gush (sorry for the TMI). I went to the bathroom and it was like the red lady had shown up. Only I  know that’s impossible. My betas were at 83 five days ago. So this basically means that I’m in the midst of the miscarriage that refuses to end.

I left the studio crying. I went out and of course smoked a cigarette.

I came home crying. I bawled and bawled to shmerson. I told him how much I hate my body. How all this hard work that I’ve been doing for the last 6 months has officially gone down the crapper. And what’s the use of it anyway? Because we keep miscarrying.

And I don’t get how he can deal with being with me since I’m damaged goods basically on every single level.

I love my husband. He managed to talk me down. I’ll be going for a beta tomorrow morning. I hope to spaghetti monster that I’ll be down to zero, and that today is just my uterus catching up with my hormones.

Look – I know the logical side of things. Shmerson gave me a huge lecture on this: You shouldn’t be taking care of your body just to have a baby. You should be taking care of your body for you. And if you take care of your body “to have a baby” then each time you fail- heck – each time you succeed you will fall back on old destructive habits.

He’s right. I know. I get it.

But logic is hard to see when you look at yourself in the mirror and feel helpless in front of the broken body that you see in front of you.

How can you treat something with respect when it has betrayed you?

If anybody has an easy answer – now’s the time to give it.

15 Responses to “Dear Body, You Suck.”

  1. Kristin May 3, 2011 at 00:45 #

    Oh honey, I am so sorry. {{{Hugs}}} and love to you. BTW, check your email.

    • Mo May 3, 2011 at 02:31 #

      Thanks hon you’re the best

  2. Artistmouse May 3, 2011 at 01:07 #

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, Mo. I’m sending you a big virtual hug. You can even wipe your runny nose on my shoulder.

    • Mo May 3, 2011 at 02:32 #

      🙂 thanks

  3. Mrs. Brightside May 3, 2011 at 01:49 #

    It all just blows. And I totally know what you mean about taking care of yourself and feeling like it’s all for nothing. My rebellion has taken the form of eating fried food and chocolate. All the “good for me” stuff I’ve been doing – eating well, yoga, acupuncture, blah blah. And I still miscarried, didn’t change shit. Used to make me feel empowered and like I was doing something. So what now? I know I still need to, makes me feel good anyway and maybe I like won’t die as soon. But it blows.

    • Mo May 3, 2011 at 02:30 #

      Couldn’t have said it better myself. *hugs*

  4. Christina May 3, 2011 at 03:09 #

    I don’t have an answer for your question, but I will say this – You need to take care of you for you. You can’t just take care of your body; it has to be all of you. Treat your mind and heart with respect, because they haven’t let you down, they’ve held you up.


  5. zygotta May 3, 2011 at 03:32 #

    I really wanted to say something and sat, thinking – what could be said here? And then I thought: you know how sometimes we feel betrayed by people?

    I felt betrayed by my parents a few times, for example. I got over it – because they also did so much good for me.

    Maybe it’s a crazy analogy – but try and think of all the good things that your body did for you? I mean, where would you be now without it? I am sure you can find some fond memories. Maybe you will be able to find some respect for it. Some peace. I sincerely wish there was anything I could do to help…

  6. slcurwin May 3, 2011 at 05:20 #

    I knwo all about feeling betrayed by my body. I think it’s one of the worst feelings I got out of my second miscarriage. Never before did I feel like something could just sneak up on me like that. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry you’re having to feel that.

  7. starfishkittydreams May 3, 2011 at 08:11 #

    I hear you. There are no words for what you’ve gone through. I completely understand how angry you are feeling. Virtual Hug to you.

  8. Cattiz J May 3, 2011 at 14:40 #

    Mo, I’m so sorry for what’s happened and all you have to go through now. It’s just so unfair. I’m glad you were able to get to the yoga class despite all those feelings, sounds like a good teacher you have there. Hugs.

  9. Mara May 3, 2011 at 15:48 #

    I am so sorry!!! This totally sucks, and I feel like I really get where you are right now. I definitely don’t know an easy answer. All I can do is keep going day by day, doing the best I can. Huge hugs.

  10. me0me May 3, 2011 at 17:43 #

    It’s been a storm of thoughts in my head since I read this last night. I want to try and say a couple of things as succinctly as I can.

    1. (Macro) On a similar note to Zyggota, but with an expansion:
    I think our body can be compared to our world. We will never control it completely. It will always do things that feel bad to us. And the only way to do anything about it is to be as good to it as we can and hope there’s some cosmic reciprocation.
    I think this has yet more weight to it when you’re TTC- you’re pretty much duplicating your life. Creating someone that will have to deal with the same life you know, that will have to deal with the body they’re given and the world they are born into. Isn’t it key to treat both of those well (though never perfect, because there’s no such thing as perfect and we are not perfect beings) if you wish to, in a way, give them both as a big part of the gift of life you’re craving to create so much?

    2. (Micro) I love you and accept you and will not say anything bad about you having a second cigarette, BUT where did it come from and how are you going to do your damned fucking best so there isn’t a third?

    All of that so coldly said, I hate that you’re going through this. I wish it were fucking over already. I wish you could KNOW that you’ve dealt with what you’ve had to deal with and be really ok and calm about feeling what you’re feeling and open to finding your inner next step without it being as painful as I’m sure it is right now. And I hope all these wishes are on their way to becoming your reality. Love you babe.

  11. Julia May 3, 2011 at 18:16 #

    Oh Mo, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Our bodies can be so cruel.

    Pamper yourself, get a pedicure or something, and really take care of your needs right now. Hang in there!


  12. Kristen May 3, 2011 at 21:16 #

    I wish I had an easy answer but I don’t. I think it’s great you got to yoga…been thinking I need to do that but can’t seem to get out the door to class.
    Hugs to you…

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