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Tug of War

25 Apr

On one hand – I feel like I’m over it. I just want my Betas to go down to zero and move on and try again.

On the other hand – I’m afraid that I’m in denial. That maybe I should be grieving more.

On one hand – I’m relieved, because this last week finally brought some answers. I know that now we’re not just guessing. I know what’s going on, I know my options.

On the other hand – I know that I’m in even more danger of this happening again. And that scares me. To top it all off – that overnight hospital stay was the first time I’ve ever been hospitalized overnight. It scared me. It brought up a lot of fears I don’t like to deal with.

On one hand – I’m not really grieving this loss. I’m happy we didn’t know I was pregnant. It makes this loss easier than the others.

On the other hand – I feel guilty about that. And I feel stupid for not listening to my body more.

On one hand – I dread the next few days – where I have to re-enter the world. Tell my therapist, tell my acupuncturist, tell my yoga instructor. Put up with their looks of pity. I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

On the other hand – I want to shout and scream about it. I’m seriously afraid that I’ll randomly break down crying in public.

Anyone have a fast forward button? Say – a month or two. I’m not picky.

Fuck.

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8 Responses to “Tug of War”

  1. me0me April 25, 2011 at 18:29 #

    I don’t feel pity for you. I feel very sorry for the fact that this has happened and that you had to go through the whole overnight shitty ordeal, but although you’re dealing with this really really bad situation, there’s something about your tone- at least here, and I would be surprised if it wasn’t the same in reality- that is so strong, so connected to reality, that no room for pity is left. Keep doing what you’re doing babe, and trust yourself. I really and truly believe you’re in a good place and have the capability to deal with what you’re going through, hard as that may be.

  2. Ariela from your childhood :) April 25, 2011 at 19:29 #

    Hi hon,
    I only half understand what you’re talking about on these posts because the only acronym I know is WTF, but I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with this. I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes (since we seem to agree that praying would be useless). Love you from all the way over here in Boston. -A

  3. Elphaba April 26, 2011 at 02:15 #

    You are allowed to feel whatever you want–do not beat yourself up for any of it. There is no set amount of grief you have to feel. Hugs.

  4. marriage20 April 26, 2011 at 02:34 #

    Yeah. What Elphie said. There is no right way to do this. Thinking of you.

  5. Kristen April 26, 2011 at 02:50 #

    So sorry you’re having to deal with all this. It sucks. I’m with you on the fast-forward button. Being in the middle of this is the worst. Virtual hugs to you.
    xo

  6. Poor Lucky Me April 26, 2011 at 17:38 #

    I wish I had a fast forward button and a rewind button, depending on the day. I hope that your heart heals quickly and your brain gives you the courage and strength you need to get through these days.

  7. Jen Durham April 26, 2011 at 20:10 #

    I totally understand! Been there done that! I wish I had a FF button I’d let you borrow it! There are days I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until I am about 6 months pregnant, just to avoid the pain, the needle sticks, than the heartbreak. I pray that time flies by for you.

  8. Stinky April 27, 2011 at 08:01 #

    I understand when you say you’re not really ‘grieving’ because you didn’t know you were pregnant. That was my first miscarriage, and I feel quite differently about that one than I do about the last two.
    I understand wanting a fast forward button (this is coming from the Queen of Impatience herself!)

    I also understand the mixed feelings about telling people, wanting them to know, but not wanting to tell them actively?
    If you break down crying in public, then you have a very good reason. Mr Stinky said to me yesterday “people only cry when they have a reason to”
    And its weird tracking the betas down, when usually everything hinges on them going up.

    Sending all the love over to you

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