Shmerson’s Post 2: Revenge of the Something

23 Apr

Mo’s Note: Hi all. I’m doing Ok, I guess. Still recovering. Shmerson is taking over blogging duties today. Hope you enjoy. My husband rocks, by the way. Just in case you didn’t notice. For everyone here from ICLW – well, this wasn’t what this month was suppose to look like. Read back a few posts and you’ll understand. And now, without further ado, my husband, fondly known as Shmerson:

I’ve been planning this post for several weeks now, and now it’s more relevant than ever. I was planning to start with an apology, since Shmersonette’s posts were becoming more and more optimistic, and this post was going to be a bit on the heavy side. Now I don’t need to apologize.

I want to start with telling you a little about my reserve duty. If you’re in the reserve, it’s from age 22 to 45, and your rank has nothing to do with how old you are. For example, I’m a lieutenant, so by the age of 23 I was giving orders to men in their late 30’s.

Those men in their late 30’s- I’m not smarter, more experienced, or more motivated than them. They’ve been doing this for years. Some of them have a second or third degrees. Some of them are very important to the company they work for. Yet, when they’re in the reserve, they are pinheads. I have to tell them what to do, motivate them, make sure we’re on schedule etc. And sometimes, I’m not motivated myself, or I don’t know what to do next- but I pretend and improvise. Why? Because I have to. Because that’s expected of me. Because that’s my ROLE. And they transform from multitasking geniuses to lazy pinheads because that’s their role.

Now let me tell you a bit about me and Shmersonette’s relationship. I’m more optimistic, rational and level-headed, and sometimes I become too hesitant because of this. She’s more impulsive, determined and sometimes anxious and irrational. We complete each other. I’m not sure how it’s been translated, but in the Hebrew Bible, God says before creating Eve that she “would help Adam by being against him” (my bad translation). That’s us. We balance each other.

But I wanted to write about roles. What I wrote earlier, about me being optimistic and rational, that is me, in general. The problem begins when I look at those characteristics as if they’re my role.

During the first pregnancy, when Shmersonette started bleeding, I calmed her down. She was jumping to conclusions. I told her not to google it, and that we’ll go to the clinic tomorrow and probably find out everything was okay. I googled it and found some results that showed that it happens in some pregnancies, and it’s not necessarily a miscarriage.

I truly believed all of this, but I also took on my role. If she’s anxious, I shall be calm. If she’s pessimistic I shall be optimistic. If she cries, I will not. Because, I thought, if she sees me cry now, or be anxious or anything, she will be more anxious. And I can’t let that happen. I have to “help her by being against her”. She looks to me and expects me to be her rock. At our wedding, in her vows, she said that whatever happens, she knows I’ll be there to catch her, and that’s what I try to do.

That may sound cute and all, but it has some disadvantages, which I will get to in a minute. Going back to our first MC, the next day it all exploded in my face. She was right (as usual, I guess). And I felt like crap. I think I already wrote about how men treat MC differently. My thoughts were not with the baby we lost. My thoughts were about how Shmersonette is in danger. And the fact that she’s in danger because of me (I know, it’s irrational, just as her blaming herself is. We always look for ways to blame ourselves. We’re Jewish).

And also, I felt guilty because I was wrong. It’s as if I had lied to her knowingly. I told her it was going to be okay. It’s not that I thought she’d be mad at me for calming her down, but I did feel like she would never trust me again when I try to calm her down.

When we found out about our second MC, I didn’t know what to do. I think I tried to calm her down and be optimistic, but this time I didn’t believe it myself. The thing I remember most is us waiting at the clinic. Shmersonette was stressed and I could feel it. I was probably just as stressed and I didn’t want her to feel it. So I did a terrible thing. I took a stupid magazine and started turning the pages. I say “turning the pages” because I didn’t read. I was too nervous. In some twisted way I thought it’s good- I’m pretending I’m not anxious, and that would make her less anxious. Of course this is total BS.

It hurt her. She felt as if I wasn’t there with her. I really wasn’t. I wanted to be. I was supposed to be. What I felt was very similar to what she felt, but I hid it. In a way, I hid it from myself, too. I tried so hard to “help her by being against her” I forgot sometimes I should be just like her- just as vulnerable, just as anxious. God is wrong sometimes (have I mentioned I’m a heathen too?).

Someone once told me about the difference between men and women. It’s a sexist generalization, but screw that. It goes something like this: men tell each other about their problems in order to get advice or a solution. That’s why men tell, and that’s how they listen and respond. Women share problems to get sympathy and understanding, and that’s how they listen too.

So I was stuck in this world where I just acted according to my supposed role, I pretended I was a rock but I gave no sympathy- when it was most needed. And now I want to say in front of the whole internets: I am so, so sorry, shmersonette.

I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’ve been writing this post in my head for a while. Four days ago I got the chance to see if I actually learned something, and I think I did. We went straight to the clinic, no arguing. I was optimistic at some points, but I didn’t pretend. I cried when I felt like it, and I did it in front of her. I told her how I felt. I think I learned my lesson.

I think I managed to be there with her, and still be her rock- not as solid, but more real and close. I still have a problem crying next to her, especially when she’s crying. And it’s not as if she’s never seen me cry. But I’m working on it. Some of the feelings have only hit me now –  72 hours too late. But this time, I was still focusing on being rational and effective, but I didn’t pretend. I was there. And thank spaghetti monster, I didn’t read a magazine.

The stuffed animal I gave Shmersonette at the hospital. That's me in the background - not reading a magazine. I was texting people to update them. I swear!

9 Responses to “Shmerson’s Post 2: Revenge of the Something”

  1. Skytimes April 23, 2011 at 15:52 #

    Great post, Shmerson. Mo is right: you rock. Love the cute doggie, I bet she was thrilled.
    I can totally relate to the “pretending to be a rock” concept, cause that’s what I do too (and trying to break the habit more and more often).

    You guys have an awesome relationship and I feel honored to get to “know” you. Thinking about you plenty during the last days… sending healing vibes over. Much love! ox

  2. zygotta April 23, 2011 at 16:04 #

    Thank you for this post, Shmerson.
    It helped me understand a bit my hubby, too.
    So nice of you to get involved here, online.
    Take care of her.

  3. Christina April 23, 2011 at 16:32 #

    Bravo! It does seems that mean have a bit harder time going through the emotions. I think you’ve grown and shown that this 3rd time.

    I’m thinking of you 2 and wishing you healing both physically and spiritually/emotionally.

  4. Kristin April 23, 2011 at 19:46 #

    Shmerson, you’ve done one thing that many people never do. You’ve tried to learn what your partner needs. Kudos to you.

  5. BleedingTulip April 24, 2011 at 05:31 #

    This is so touching. I’m sure my entire life my husband and I will be working to better understand and support one another… it’s an ongoing process. I’m sorry that you have had to go through so much fear and pain, but it is amazing to me to see a couple working to grow together through hard times instead of allowing the sh*tstorms to be a wedge driving them apart. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, maybe on of these days I will get my husband to write a post or two…

  6. Fran April 24, 2011 at 12:20 #

    Hi! I’m stopping by from ICLW and reading your post was very refreshing. You see, I too suffered two ectopic pregnancies and to me they were not MC at all. There was nothing wrong with the baby, it had to be taken. I have seen a few posts back that Mo has some concerns about the MTX shot and whether this may affect her eggs supply. The answer is no, it won’t, but you have to wait a bit to make sure her folic acid production is back to normal. If she (or you of course) feels like stopping by my blog, you will find out about my experience with the second ectopic (I wasn’t blogging yet at the time I had the first one) and we have set up a charity to raise awareness on ectopic pregnancies and to give support to those who suffered one (the link is there too!)
    If I can be of nay help just let me know.
    Love, Fran

    ICLW #131

  7. marriage20 April 24, 2011 at 14:58 #

    Beautiful post. I am so sorry about what you guys are going through. Sending good thoughts and wishing you peace and light on your journey.

  8. me0me April 25, 2011 at 19:16 #

    Shmerson, you are fabulous!!! Great writing on top of, you know, being a really good person/husband. And I wouldn’t say ’72 hours too late’. Part of the process is being ok with the way our emotions work and the time they take. ❤

  9. Ariela from your childhood :) April 25, 2011 at 19:22 #

    What an incredible husband. Thank you for the insight into husbands’ minds. It’s a wonderful post and I’m so glad that she found you. I have no doubt that when parenthood finally arrives, you both with be fabulous at it.

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