I Had a Dream

22 Apr

It’s Monday. We’re supposed to be at Shmerson’s parents house for the passover Seder at 4pm, so I can help his mother cook. We sleep in a bit. When I wake up I tell shmerson about a dream I just had. It’s rare that I remember dreams. But this one stuck with me.

I dreamt about giving birth to our daughter. I dreamt about raising her. I don’t remember much, but I remember her eyes. She had beautiful eyes. And she smiled all the time.

My husband looks at me with a bit of jealousy in his eyes. He says that dream sounded amazing. He wishes he would have one too.

Just before leaving for his parents we make love again. The OPK is positive. We want to make sure we have all of our bases covered.

11pm. The seder is over. We’re on our way to the car, and we give each other a knowing look. Shmerson says: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

I say – yes – that we may have a baby with us by this time next year. We smile and drive home. Content.

24 hours later I’m in a hospital bed. There’s a needle stuck in my arm and it hurts. I still don’t get what the fuck is happening. I cry a bit.

My husband looks at me and says: You know that dream you had? No matter what happens, I think it was our baby telling you that she loves you.

We hold each other.

I love her too. I just want her to come already. And now – who knows when she’ll come. If she’ll come. What kind of nightmares we have yet to go through before we finally get to hold her.

This isn’t fucking fair.

12 Responses to “I Had a Dream”

  1. Keiko April 22, 2011 at 16:44 #

    I’ve just been catching up on your posts from the last couple of days and I can’t even put into words the shock and sadness. Holding you in my heart right now.

  2. twoisafamily April 22, 2011 at 16:46 #

    No, this is absolutely not fucking fair. Found your blog through ICLW and am now getting “caught up,” but just wanted to leave you a virtual hug first.

  3. Becca M April 22, 2011 at 17:08 #

    Found your blog through Yolk’s blog. Sending you hugs ❤

  4. Rochelle April 22, 2011 at 17:15 #

    So very sorry. I have a friend with a very similar story to yours and I know how hard it is to lose a baby so soon after finding out it even existed. Take it easy these next few weeks and I hope you’re surrounded by caring love and strength.

  5. bodegabliss April 22, 2011 at 17:46 #

    This post just broke my heart. But I think the dream you had was still an amazing sign….she’s coming. I think she was trying to tell you she’s still coming, to still keep your hope despite what was about to happen to you. She knew you were about to go through another loss and wanted to give you hope and strength to get through it. That’s what it has to mean. Remember the dream I had? I think they’re all signs.

    Love you.

  6. Teejay April 22, 2011 at 21:18 #

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sucks ass that you are going through this again. My heart aches for you.

  7. BleedingTulip April 22, 2011 at 23:25 #

    I don’t even know what to say. Except I’m sitting at my laptop crying. I wish there was something to say or do to fix this, to make it all magically work out like some 50’s TV show or something. Only not in black and white… that would be weird. OK, I’m rambling, I’m sorry. I know that it doesn’t fix anything, but I awarded you a blog award. You probably have gotten a lot of them and this seems like small potatoes in the grand scheme of everything, but I hope to somehow convey how much your blog has meant to me and how it has opened me to all these wonderful people that I absolutely adore and that includes you. If/when you want to see the award, the link is http://pursuingparenthood.wordpress.com/2011/04/22/making-up-for-my-lazy-moment/

  8. Lori April 23, 2011 at 01:34 #

    I’m so sorry this happened :-/ I’ve been following your blog (lurking, actually) since I had my own loss in February. I hope you can get answers and treatment now, and your little girl will be on her way. (ICLW 168)

  9. Marianne April 23, 2011 at 01:55 #

    So sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. Just wanted you to know that I’m praying for you. Hugs.

  10. Kristin April 23, 2011 at 03:11 #

    It’s not fucking fair and I’m so sorry it’s still only a dream at this point in time.

  11. slcurwin April 23, 2011 at 08:32 #

    ………..I can’t say much. I just wish I could hug you.

  12. raanan April 27, 2011 at 20:11 #

    honey,i love you more than words

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