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Third Time – Definitely Not a Charm (a recounting of the craziest 24 hours of my life)

20 Apr

Hi Everyone. I’m still kind of in shock, but thank you everybody for your tweets, emails, comments, everything. I am incredibly grateful for all the love and support.

I think I’m still a bit in shock – but I also know I have some ‘splainin to do, so I may as well just spill it. The last day has been very WTF, and I’ve been writing this blog post in my head as I went along. I seriously don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for this blog and the women in it.

So now, without further ado, a recounting of the strangest 24 hours of my life. Yep, strange is the best word I can come up with. Though crazy works too.

Prelude:

April 5th, CD 28 – The red lady shows up, or so I think. She’s shorter than usual, but I don’t give that much thought. She also causes a heckuva lot of pain on my right side.

After that, Shmerson and I continue our TTC routine, feeling rather optimistic.

(Fake) CD 13 – I take an OPK. It comes out positive. I am feeling great. What a lie. Finally, ovulation smack dab in the middle of a cycle. Shmerson and I BD like there’s no tomorrow. I actually call people excited about the news.

(Fake) CD 14 – Another OPK. Another positive. Strange. Never happened to me before.

(Fake) CD 15 – Another OPK. Another positive. WTF?

Which brings us to yesterday at around 3pm.

3pm: excessive googling – “3 positive OPKs in a row”

3:15pm: decide my body is just taking it’s sweet time, and that’s why I haven’t seen any EWCM. Go to the bathroom to check out where that’s at. Find blood.

4:30 pm: I don’t know if I can recount the logic behind it now – but on a whim, I take an HPT. It’s a BFP. I immediately start crying. I know it’s over before it’s even started.

4:35pm: Shmerson has seen the BFP. I’m crying. We’re both at a loss about what to do. I call squish. She says get your ass to the emergency room or an emergency clinic (It’s passover – so all actual doctors offices are closed). I email Elphie. I try calling Court. too early in the states and canada.

4:45pm: As shmerson is googling emergency clinics, I try calling Dr. Twofer’s Cellphone. No answer. I leave a teary “I have no idea WTF is going on” voicemail.

5:20pm: Shmerson and I arrive at an emergency clinic.

6pm: Doctor sees me. Sends me to the emergency room.

6:30pm: I try calling Court again. This time she answers and manages to keep me calm as we wait. In the car on the way to the ER I mention to Shmerson that hey – I guess I was right after all. Court and Marie both mention that to me as well in later conversations. Great minds think alike.

7:00pm: Go in to see the on-call OB/GYN. She gives me a beta kit and tells me to pee in a cup. Faint BFP. US is given. She tells me she sees nothing. In the discharge papers I see something about a problem with the corpus luteum in my right ovary. I still have no idea what that means, but I’m sure I’ll be googling it like a maniac soon enough.

7:45pm: Dr. decides that because of my history, this is suspected ectopic. She decides to admit me.

8:00pm I get my blood drawn. Shmerson and I try to figure out what to do with the dogs, since we’re also watching my parents’ dog since they’re in china for a month. Great timing, mom.

8:15 pm We call everyone that needs to be called, and off he goes to take care of stuff. I stare blankly at nothing for a while.

9:00pm: Shmerson returns from dropping the dogs at a friend’s house, and comes bearing clothes, my laptop, and a cell charger. I get admitted to a room. I find out that the lab is closed and I will not be getting any beta results until the morning. This is going to be a long effing night. Nurse tells me I need to not eat or drink any more just in case I need a D&C in the morning. I haven’t eaten since 4pm. And I’m freaking thirsty.

9:15pm: Visiting hours are over, but the room, with two other beds is empty. I beg shmerson not to leave me alone. I hate hospitals. Did I mention this was gonna be a long effing night? No wireless internet on the ward. Thank god I got an iPhone (finally) a few days ago. I email Dr. Twofer. He actually works at this hospital. Maybe by some miracle he’ll be there in the morning.

10:00pm: I go back to the google machine. Shmerson and I start analyzing dates. Either I’m 6 weeks along, or by some miracle I ovulated on CD4 and this is a perfectly healthy, very early pregnancy. We hope for the latter, of course.

1:00am: I get a new roommate, which makes the nurse kick shmerson out. He finds a cot in the waiting room area and tries to crash there for a bit. I talk to the roommate. She’s nice. Three kids, all through C-section. Wants a fourth. Diagnosed with Secondary IF and in with a major pelvic infection. I put on my “I’m an expert” face and actually manage to cheer HER up for a while. She doesn’t know any IFers. I feel useful.

2:00am: still can’t sleep. Hop on skype with marie. She keeps me company for the next two hours.

4:00am: finally collapse.

7:00am: Shmerson is back in my room.

8:00am: Blood Drawn for second Beta. Both Betas get sent to the lab.

9:30am: Get sent for second U/S. Nothing found. Doctor says there may be something there that looks like early implantation in the uterus, but he’s doubtful (in hindsight, I think it may have just been scarring from my first D&C last year). Wait for the betas and see what’s next.

10:30am: Dr. Twofer walks into my room. Yep – he is on call. He tells me he’ll be checking up on me. Thank god for Dr. Twofer. I finally feel relaxed enough to sleep a while. Hopefully by the time I wake up the betas will be back. Half asleep, I tell Shmerson that I’ve decided that I ovulated on CD 4 and this is an early pregnancy. I know I’m kidding myself. I don’t care.

12:00pm: No Betas yet. I’m getting pissed off and antsy. I’m thirsty and hungry too.

12:20pm: I go up to the nurse to see WTF is going on. She tells me there was no change in my betas and the Doc will be in soon. I ask her to update Dr. Twofer and go back to my room to tell Shmerson it’s over.

12:30pm: Doc finally shows up. Beta last night was 438. This morning it’s 436. They want to give me Methotrexate. I resist at first. Doc says he spoke with Dr. Twofer about it and they both agree it’s the best course of action to hopefully avoid rupture and surgery. I give in. Doc tells me they’ll be giving me the shot in a bit.

12:35pm: I collapse. I start crying and screaming. This lasts for about 10 minutes. The nurse walks in to ask what’s wrong. Shmerson tells her “this is the third time this has happened to us”. I continue to scream and cry. Shmerson cries a little too. He digs up a xanax from my bag and I take it.

12:45pm Dr. Twofer comes in again. Other Doc probably told him I was not happy about the Methotrexate. He tells me it’s the best option. That once my betas go back to zero I should call him and we’ll get a full scan of my tubes to see what’s up. He goes to shake my hand. I can’t because it’s covered in snot and tears. Why don’t they keep tissues in this freaking room?

12:50pm: I yell at the nurse to give me the freaking shot and get it over with so I can go home. She looks at me sympathetically. I tell her I feel like my body’s betrayed me. She gives me the usual “everything happens for a reason” mumbo-jumbo. She gives me the shot so we can – and I quote her – “kill it”. I cry a little more. Shmerson makes the calls to update everyone that needs to be updated.

1:30pm: I freaking want to go home. I feel ok so the nurse allows it. Tells me to keep an eye out for this and that side effect. Outpouring of support from you guys becomes a flood. I’m freaking tired.

3:30pm: I change the title of this blog again. My friend AK was right the other day. Project Baby is too cold. This sucks too much. Who knows what the right name is. For now, it’s bitter and I don’t care.

4:00pm: The dogs are back, we have some lunch, I collapse on the couch and fall asleep, though my phone continues to ring and my computer pings every 30 seconds with another thoughtful email or comment. I can’t thank you guys enough.

Epilogue:

Either I’m in denial or this is easier than it has been before. I don’t know. I think it is a bit easier. Mostly because of you guys. Also because it all happened so fast, I never actually got attached to the notion that I was pregnant. I think that’s a blessing.

Conclusions:

1) I should ALWAYS listen to my body. I’ve been having pain on and off in my right side for months. I should have insisted on some sort of scan. I’m sure that’s the obstruction that caused the ectopic.

2) I’m grateful to have the third time over and done with. This is hopefully a clean slate. Though I’m sure I’ll have moments of being completely pissed off and despondent over the next few days or weeks. Or whatever. I’m glad the third happened this way, and wasn’t dragged out.

3) I have the most amazing husband in the world.

4) My support system is huge. My friends “in real life” and my friends here. Total strangers who left a comment to show support. I am so lucky to have found this place.

5) I can’t believe I’m here. Lori over at RRSAHM, who recently went through unspeakable tragedy, wrote a few days ago how anxiety – the fear of an event – is oftentimes worse than the event itself. I think she’s right. I’m a three timer now. I need to update my story. My TTC timeline. Next ICLW, I will be writing “ectopic pregnancy” as one of the words describing this blog. It will become one of my “frequently used tags”. I use it for the first time in this post. This is my new reality. It sucks. But it’s not as bad as the anxiety I had predicted.

That’s about it guys. I’m gonna go order some dinner and cuddle with my husband and the dogs. I’m sorry if I don’t respond to the comments. I may be MIA for a few days, I may not. Who knows.

But I do know that you are all awesome. That every word you write here makes me feel just a little bit better.

Thank you all. i don’t know where I’d be without you.

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29 Responses to “Third Time – Definitely Not a Charm (a recounting of the craziest 24 hours of my life)”

  1. Julia April 20, 2011 at 20:55 #

    I’m so sorry kiddo. I understand (as much as someone else can, I suppose) what you are going through. Hang in there, and pamper yourself.

  2. bodegabliss April 20, 2011 at 21:01 #

    I read that over at Lori’s blog, too. And could relate to so much of what she was saying. I never wanted you to get here…to the 3-timers club…but here you are. And I’m so sorry, Mo. So incredibly sorry.

    Love you tons.

    • bodegabliss April 20, 2011 at 21:01 #

      Also, I’d really like to punch that nurse in the face for saying “kill it.”

      • Manda April 21, 2011 at 08:58 #

        I agree, as soon as I read “kill it” I was disgusted. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing the loss of a baby for the 3rd time. I had 3 miscarriages within a years time and now I haven’t gotten pregnant again for the last year. I hope that you find peace in your time of sorrow and that you still keep your hope. One day you will be a mama. (: It seems you have a lot of people here for support(which is awesome) but I’m here if you want to talk too!

  3. Hemlock April 20, 2011 at 21:02 #

    *hugs* God, what a hellish night. We’re all here for you. You’re not imagining things… in its own way, each consecutive MC does get a little easier to handle. At least it has for me. By my third, I think I was more angry than anything else. Scream, shout, cry, lash out… do whatever feels right and never feel sorry for it.

  4. pup maker April 20, 2011 at 21:12 #

    I love ya babe…. happy to hear you’re home and resting.
    huge hugs!!!!!

  5. me0me April 20, 2011 at 21:17 #

    I was struck by your being right as I got CD28… you crazy body knowing Shmerson you. I’m very sorry for your loss. I wish things wouldn’t suck the way they do. I also see your decision to stare (at) what life is giving you right square in the face and say, well, fuck you. Which gives you so much more possibilities than averting your gaze and saying this is awful so I’m not going to deal with it.
    There’s a gratefulness in me about how fast this happened. I want to be here as much as you want me to in the next steps you take.
    Me

  6. Kristin April 20, 2011 at 21:38 #

    I’m so damned sorry sweetie. It sucks beyond belief to get that label of habitual/repeat miscarriage.

  7. Rocky April 20, 2011 at 22:21 #

    Been Away from computer for this entire saga, only now read it all. Sending all my hugs and every positive, re-encouraging trick in the book. You’re stronger than you feel.

  8. Fucking Infertility April 20, 2011 at 22:50 #

    I’m so sorry. It’s all too familiar, down to being starved and parched for hours in a hospital bed while they figure shit out. I’m so sorry, and I hope the testing on your tubes gives you some answers and a plan to go forward!

  9. missohkay April 20, 2011 at 23:52 #

    Again, I’m just so sorry. I agree that the dread can be worse than the actual bad thing. I dreaded my 3rd so much that I was actually relieved when it finally happened. Also, I want to punch the “kill it” nurse in the face.

  10. Rach April 21, 2011 at 00:01 #

    i’m so so sorry. i haven’t had an ectopic but i have suffered alot of miscarriages so i know how it feels.

    i also want to slap that nurse up the side of the head and i commend you for NOT doing so – what an idiot, so much for nurses having a compassionate nature to work in the field!

    sending lots of hugs…

    ~x~

  11. Stinky April 21, 2011 at 00:32 #

    (jumped over from elphie’s) Oh hon I am so so sorry. That sucks big time, so unfair.
    That ‘nurse’ needs a shot, of compassion and understanding, who in their right mind would talk like that.
    I found that the mc I expected and the one I didn’t know about were FAR more easier than the one where I minced round for a month as a ‘pregnant woman’ building dreams etc. Its still really hard to go through though, sending big frigging hugs and love

  12. Starfishkitty April 21, 2011 at 00:50 #

    What a horrible experience. I am sorry for your loss. There is no way to prepare for all that.

  13. Wannabemom April 21, 2011 at 01:08 #

    Boy, a girl gets sick and slack off on blog reading for a day and look what she comes back to!

    This is brutal. My heart is crushed for you. Fuck you universe.

  14. marriage20 April 21, 2011 at 01:12 #

    What a nightmare. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

  15. BleedingTulip April 21, 2011 at 01:43 #

    “I change the title of this blog again. My friend AK was right the other day. Project Baby is too cold. This sucks too much. Who knows what the right name is. For now, it’s bitter and I don’t care.”

    I like the idea of the title being “I’m bitter and I don’t care”. It’s got a nice ring to it.

    I am so So SO incredibly sorry. I can’t really express myself. Take all the time you need, eat all the comfort food, get all the doggy snuggles and husband cuddles you can get. And know you’re not alone. You have people thinking of you all over the globe.

  16. Erin April 21, 2011 at 01:55 #

    So sorry to hear this. This sounds like my miscarriage I had in December. They were worried about something with the corpus luteum and they couldn’t find anything on ultrasound. My betas were really low and then started dropping.

    *hugs*

  17. Christina April 21, 2011 at 02:58 #

    I am so heartbroken for you, MO. I know how crushing a miscarriage can be, but can’t even begin to know the hurt and saddens of not only 3, but 2 ectopic.

    I’m glad that Dr. Twofer was there for you though. That must have brought you a small measure of comfort in your situation.

    You have a fantastic husband! I’ll be sending you lots of positive and healing thoughts. If I prayed, I would do that for you as well.

  18. Lori @ RRSAHM April 21, 2011 at 05:59 #

    Oh hunny. I’m so sorry about your babies. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s sucks that this is your reality. Much love to you darling xoxox

  19. jjiraffe April 21, 2011 at 07:02 #

    If I had the cash I’d fly out there, comfort you and punch that nurse in the face. You CAN’T say things like that!! That is infuriating.

    This sucks. I am so sorry. 😦

  20. myskytimes April 21, 2011 at 09:53 #

    Oh, dear Mo. Just crawled out of my flu-induced fever haze and read your sad news. There’s not much else to say but: It fucking sucks. (Don’t even let me start on the bloody nurse). I’m glad you’re home now, with Shmerson and doggie-pals to cuddle with.

    Sending much love! xo

  21. Betsy April 21, 2011 at 14:05 #

    I’m so sorry. Also, what an awful nurse! I want to punch her effing face.

  22. Cookie with Milk April 21, 2011 at 17:10 #

    *hugs* I’m so sorry, Mo. My heart is breaking for you and Schmerson. I’m sending as many positive vibes and virtual hugs as I possibly can. I know we hardly know each other, but please let me know if there is anything I can do.

  23. BabyCrazyKiwi April 22, 2011 at 05:41 #

    I am so sorry this has happened to you again – no one should have to deal with such sadness in their lives! Thinking you and your DH.

  24. deepdreamer April 24, 2011 at 03:57 #

    Oh, Mo. I haven’t check in on blogs for a few days. I am sitting here in shock and in tears. I am so fucking sorry. I don’t know what to say, other than I wish I could physically be there for you, as well as here in blog-land. Its not fair :(((((

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