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You know what would really relax me? Punching you in the face.

10 Apr

Ok. I love my family. I really and truly do. They may be messed up in certain ways, but in general, we’re a small family who are very close. I really love them to bits. My cousin’s kids are like my neices and nephew. I love having heart to heart conversations with my aunt. Everybody is in everybody else’s business, and we’re ok with that.

But today – I wanted to punch the lights out of almost all of them.

It was my second cousin’s 30th birthday today. Again, we’re a small family, so my second cousin and I spent most of our early years glued at the hip.

A surprise party was thrown and of course the whole family came. Shmerson couldn’t come with me because he had to work.

I’d usually be completely fine with that.

Today I guess I was particularly sensitive, considering that I was gearing up for the day of doctors tomorrow.

So I had it on my mind. So I naturally wanted to talk about it.

So first I talked to my aunt. And the conversation basically went like this:

Me: So I’m going to that doctor tomorrow…

Aunt: Ok. Why?

Me: Because I don’t feel like Dr. Blunt gave me any answers.

Aunt: You know what you need to do? You really just need to relax.

Me: (trying my hardest to keep my anger at bay) I’m relaxed. I’m just trying to take control of my care.

Aunt: You’re not relaxed. Seriously. Just stop thinking about it. Everything will be fine.

Me: (through clenched teeth) But you don’t understand…

Aunt: I do. But it’s a known fact that the less you think about it the easier…

At this point I lost my cool.

Me: OK – did you have two miscarriages?

Aunt: No. And I can’t imagine what you must be going through…

Me: Exactly. So don’t tell me to freaking relax.

At this point I really want a cigarette. I work hard to regain composure. I decide to step outside, where my mom is standing with my cousin. Hopefully there I’ll get some sympathy. And some second-hand smoke courtesy of mom.

Me: So – I’m really sick of people telling me to relax.

Mom: But you really do need to relax!

Me: *fume*

Conversation continues. I explain to my cousin about why I’m going to Dr. Twofer. My cousin, who I love and I believe is probably the sanest person in my family tells me the following:

Cousin: You’re looking for validation for your choice to keep on testing. I get that. But you won’t get that from the family. We all think you’re taking this a bit far. I mean, get the tests if that’s what will make you feel better. But we all think you are too stressed about this.

Me: I am as relaxed as I freaking can be in this situation ok? I CAN’T HAVE ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE. I JUST CANT!

Mom: See – this is the problem with your thinking.

Cousin: You’re in the middle of it so you can’t see it. Just stop looking for validation and do what you need to do.

Me: Fine.

I walk away again.

*****Half an hour later******

We’re sitting at our table. My mother and I are having a jaunty conversation while I stare longingly at a little baby at the table next to us. I look at my mom in a moment of weakness.

Me: God, I want one so bad.

Mom: I know. But you need to relax. you need to lay off of it. You know so and so? They had two kids right after they adopted because they stopped thinking about it….

Me: *turning bright red again* Please stop telling me to relax. I am as relaxed as I can be, ok? I need to go to that doctor’s…

Mom: You’re living from one doctor’s appointment to another. And this is all you ever talk about anymore.

I know she’s right. I argue anyway.

Me: I do not only talk about that! I talk about other things!

Mom: You talk about it with everyone. Everyone here knows about your miscarriages. You share everything.

Me: (knowing she’s kind of right) I only answer if I’m asked!

I walk out again. Ahh – there’s my brother. A voice of sanity.

Me: Sissy, do I talk about my miscarriages and wanting babies all the time?

Sissy: Yeah. pretty much.

Me: Really? I’m that obsessed?

Sissy: Um, I read your blog, remember? (PS – hi sissy!)

Me: Yeah  – but that’s the blog. What about everywhere else?

*crickets*

Me: If one more person tells me to relax I’m going to punch them in the face.

Sissy: Ok. But you should relax, though.

URGH!!!

Help me out here. Seriously. What if they’re all right? I mean, Elphie got her BFP when she relaxed. What if it’s freaking true?

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX?

I don’t think all of the xanax, cigarettes, yoga, and pee sticks combined would make me relax at this point.

I’ll say it again:

URGH.

 

PS – thanks to everyone who chimed in on yesterday’s post. There’s  still almost 24 hours until I get to Dr. Twofer’s so please feel free to add anything else that comes to mind. Of course, I will be describing the Day O’ Docs in detail tomorrow. Maybe after that I can relax. No? Yeah, didn’t think so. Frak.

 

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16 Responses to “You know what would really relax me? Punching you in the face.”

  1. lindsay j April 10, 2011 at 01:27 #

    AARRRGGG. I am so irritated for you. They are your family! Who are you supposed to talk to about it if not them! I just do not understand a family structure that can not be there for you after two miscarriages. I know that if I were in your shoes I would be scared shitless and want answers too.

    Ok, I understand if maybe they are worn out on talking about it. If you talk to everyone about it and they feel overwhelmed and do not know what to say I get that. But I am really bothered with you being told to not worry about a Dr’s opinion and to just relax. Really? Isn’t the point of going to the Dr to make you feel better and feel more in control…and when you are in control and feel better guess what happens, you feel listened to and proactive, oh yeah and the process can also help you relax a little. Just the act of staying relax will not help anyone!

    I really wish there was something to be done here. That totally sucks.

    • mommyodyssey April 10, 2011 at 01:34 #

      thanks lindsay. Just your outrage and understanding is making me feel a bit better. What really sucks most about it is that I love them, they love me, BUT THEY JUST DON’T GET IT!

  2. Jill April 10, 2011 at 02:38 #

    I do NOT discuss any of IF & MC problems with them – they just don’t get it and never will. Just put on your ‘happy face’ at all family functions and talk about the weather. You will get more support and understanding from complete strangers ( like me )

  3. me0me April 10, 2011 at 04:11 #

    Here’s my take.
    There’s a cultish side to this community, and for good reason- everyone {if I would write dialogues with myself I’d cough and make myself say ok, ok, *almost everyone*} here has been through something very emotionally intense that usually no one they were close to before has been through. This creates a situation in which you get used to discussing things with people who have a deep understanding of the subject matter that no one else could have; so when you go to your “normal” {-do I use that word too much? -no -ok thanks} support circle, you’re so used to getting support from people who have a deeply personal stake in the subject matter that you’re actually expecting something that these people aren’t capable of giving. Maybe uncapable is a strerch, but so are your expectations 🙂 .
    Everyone (?) has a point, or points, in their lives in which they get carried into an influential, cultish circle (network marketing anyone? No you say? Good for you!). In your case, it was probably the best thing that could have happened in your life when it did (probably even better if it would have come a tad earlier, but no need to be greedy. Network mark… Oh nevermind).
    I agree with Lindsay, but I see it with more compassion towards your family- they can’t deal with all this as much as you have to. It’s too much for them. The people who love you deeply and passionately are reading this blog- and this allows us to understand enough to be engaged in what you’re going through in a way that isn’t too much for us- because we can see a fuller picture, that doesn’t shout out Tragedy, Tragedy, Tragedy in an overwhelming way.
    And doch (my favorite word in German, which means but yes! In a way that contradicts a recent no), after tomOrrow’s appointments you’ll have more emotional leeway to relax because the control freak will feel that a lot has been done.
    So go to your doctors and relax. 😀
    Said with love *and* understanding. I think you’re due for a self surprising taking it easy stretch.
    Me

    • Marie April 10, 2011 at 14:03 #

      Dude, seriously, can we be friends? I will tell you where in New York to get bacon chocolate.

      Mo… Relax. Not about the stuff your family is telling you to relax about. Relax about your family. They’re doing the best they can with a very overwhelming situation. If you don’t like what they have to say about the subject (which I wouldn’t either), then drop the subject around them. Or let them approach you with it instead of bringing it up. Basically, what he said ^

      I love you. Good luck today!

      • me0me April 10, 2011 at 15:27 #

        Marie, If you tell me where to get bacon chocolate in NY I think I would have to consider being your lover.

        • mommyodyssey April 10, 2011 at 15:34 #

          Oh!!! all of that would be so awesome on so many levels!
          (and thanks guys)

          • Marie April 11, 2011 at 03:34 #

            Cost Plus World Market sells it in milk and dark chocolate. I assume they have at least one of these amazing stores in NY.

            No need to be my lover though. Your husband and my sometime-in-the-future husband might not understand.

            Or maybe, for bacon chocolate, they would…

  4. Jjiraffe April 10, 2011 at 09:14 #

    Argh.

    I think maybe we all need to get together and laminate an official looking card that states the FACTS:

    Numerous studies have shown NO link between stress and infertility.
    The statistical odds of those with infertility who get pregnant while adopting are the exact same as those with infertility who are NOT adopting.
    The average cost for the average adoption is $30,000.

    An FAQ, if you will, to answer all the well-intentioned but ignorant.

    Best of luck on your appt tomorrow. Thinking of you!

    • mommyodyssey April 10, 2011 at 15:34 #

      Thanks for that. I actually used that on my mom today and it worked. 🙂

  5. missohkay April 10, 2011 at 14:25 #

    You’ve been through something really difficult. You’re going to want to talk about it to people who support you (er, support you in theory, at least). Don’t feel bad about talking about it a lot – I’m sure you’re only saying outloud a tiny fraction of the amount that you think about it. If you didn’t have that release, you’d be way more stressed. (Also, what if your test results show a clotting disorder or an immunological disorder – there’s no way in hell RELAXING was going to fix that.) Hope your tests went well!

  6. Christina April 10, 2011 at 14:52 #

    Internet hugs for you! It is very hard to want to get that kind of support and understanding from family that you are close to, but they aren’t able to give it. It definitely has to come from a place of “getting it” that I think most in the general population just don’t have. Most people don’t want to put themselves in someone’s tragic experiences (which you have to do to truly understand), so they are uncomfortable and are trying to soothe themselves as much as you.

    I think you should just give your family a bit of info-overload break and I’m sure you’ll get the “just relax” suggestions a lot less frequently. If you “seem” relaxed to them about it and not “obsessed”, they’ll lay off. That’s not to say you can’t volunteer info or keep them updated, you just have to share on a level they can comprehend and handle.

    Maybe with a few choice family members you could see about having a little sit down and calmly and matter-of-factly tell them how you feel and what you are hoping to get out of all the Dr stuff, etc. Some times just taking the emotional investment out of the equation makes things easier for people to get the full picture.

    Hang in there and just take deep breaths, knowing that they love you and just want you to be happy!

    • mommyodyssey April 10, 2011 at 15:35 #

      You’re really right. Thanks for the thoughtful response!

  7. Kira April 11, 2011 at 00:56 #

    Tell them they need to chip in a buy you a cruise if they really think “relaxing” will do it. Or at least a day at the spa. It’s a win-win! You get some pampering and they think you are “relaxing”.

    I’m really sorry your family is not as understanding as you would like. I will say, it’s a balance. It’s easy to fall into a spiral where IF is all you ever think about/talk about etc. And it’s not about forgetting this thing that is important to you, it’s about remembering to continue other aspects of your life. Hobbies, time with pets, sports etc. And I haven’t mastered this, so please don’t think I’m getting all preachy. It’s something I work on too.

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