Fear, the AF Cry, and the Green-Eyed Monster

6 Apr

A friend of a friend is pregnant. And nervous about her first HB ultra-sound. And I hate her for that.

I am so jealous of her that I actually had a mini-fight with my friend today, because she didn’t understand why I was so defensive.

Finally, I had to explain: I’m jealous. Your friend will most likely see a heartbeat tomorrow and go on to have a perfectly healthy, happy  pregnancy. I will never ever have that.

But see – before that lovely and eloquent explanation there was a good hour or so of “ugly crying”. The kind of heart-wrenching, “I’m all alone and nobody understands me” uncontrollable sob. Luckily, though it was still early morning in North America, Elphie was up and managed to talk me down. That’s when I finally got coherent enough to call my friend back and explain to her why I had flown off the handle.

And then I had to congratulate myself. I had just had my first ever AF cry. Because that was it: “This woman is preggo, and I have my period. That means she’s going to have a baby before I do. And she’s younger than me, and she’s been married less time than me, and she’s probably going to be just fine and I will never ever have that.”

Which got me thinking about fear.

Yesterday’s sigh of relief at finally making a plan to get some answers, has cleared to make room for the “what ifs”. I’m glad to be insisting on answers, but I’m also scared out of my wits to find out what those answers will be.

And even if they’re satisfactory. Even if there’s a solution, any and all innocence is lost. I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy.

At least, that’s how I feel.

Yesterday, Marie posted about, amongst other things, an email I wrote her. In the comments, Esperanza wrote something very thoughtful about pregnancy and fear.

Esperanza is a miscarriage survivor, now with a healthy child. She commented on how, if she could go back in time, she would tell herself to enjoy the pregnancy.

Basically, she said that there are 4 possible scenarios in a pregnancy.

1) You are scared and you miscarry

2) You are scared and you go on to give birth to a healthy child

3) You enjoy the pregnancy and you miscarry

4) You enjoy the pregnancy and you go on to have a healthy child.

Now – three of those four options suck. So why not just enjoy being pregnant? You’ve got nothing to lose. Your feelings will not dictate the outcome anyway.*

Those are wise words – but are they even possible?

I know that for me, the fear is my way of trying to hold on to control, and of bracing myself for heartbreak. Because I’ve twice experienced this pain beyond pain, I brace myself for the next time I will experience it. I will myself not to get hopeful, not to get attached, because then my heart will break even more.

“Even More”

Is that really possible? I mean, your heart breaks. There is no degree of it. It just breaks. Me being afraid of it breaking will not make it hurt any less.

So yeah, enjoying my next pregnancy is definitely the LOGICAL and HEALTHY thing to do.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a magic potion or something we could drink to make us act in a way that is logical and healthy?

Because I really think that’s the only way that enjoying my next pregnancy will happen. Unless any of you have any ideas.


*This straightforward breakdown is courtesy of  Marie, in a chat I had with her a few hours ago. Girl’s got some eloquent simplifying skillz! Or something!

5 Responses to “Fear, the AF Cry, and the Green-Eyed Monster”

  1. bodegabliss April 6, 2011 at 18:46 #

    The last time I was pregnant, I surprised myself at how really present in it I was and how positive and happy I turned out to be. I thought for sure I’d be scared the entire time (and that was my third, so there’s hope for you yet! 😉 ) I kept repeating something that Blair told me from heirtoblair.com: “there is NOTHING you can do to prevent a loss & very little you can do to shake a “good” pregnancy.” It calmed me. The fear was still there in the back of my mind, but I had let go of it enough to enjoy my pregnancy, and I don’t regret it for a second.

    All this is to say that it is possible. I read something yesterday on someone’s blog that really resonating with me as well, and if I can find it, I’ll point you to it.

    You may just surprise yourself.

  2. me0me April 6, 2011 at 21:01 #

    I say let’s decide that Ranch dressing is said magic potion.

  3. Marie April 7, 2011 at 08:21 #

    If you didn’t see… Dawn commented on my post that included your email, and asked if you could be her friend too, since you are my friend and she is my sister.

    By the same token, I wish to be friends with me0me so I can get in on this Ranch potion.

  4. mommyodyssey April 7, 2011 at 12:42 #

    I love it! Ranch Dressing Potion! Hopefully Me0Me is bringing me enough packets next week to last me nine months. Otherwise I’d have to horde…
    And I would love to be Dawn’s friend, she seems awesome.

  5. Kira April 9, 2011 at 03:11 #

    I hope that if/when I get pregnant, I can call up this post and remind myself not to be afraid. We shall see…

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