Beyond Pregnancy

30 Mar

Today in my therapy session, well, things went in a rather interesting direction.

I have been retreating into myself during the TWW and I was getting really mad at myself for not getting anything done.

My therapist, being her usual logical self, bitch-slapped me as she should and said a lot of things that make sense about how me being distracted will not make this next week go faster, etc. etc.

But then she asked – why is it that the possibility of being pregnant is keeping me from being productive?

At first I went to the usual places – fear of loss, etc.

But then I went to a completely new place. One that we don’t talk about here (as in the blogosphere) a lot.

I’m not 100% ready to be a mother. And that’s ALSO scaring me.

I mean, of course, you’re never 100% ready, are you? But I spent 15 minutes rattling off reasons why I could be better prepared and why we should have waited at least another three months before we tried again, but because of my biological clock, etc, we started now. But really, things would have been MUCH more stable had we waited longer.

On and on the ranty monologue continued. Half of me saying we’re pretty much ready and there are practical solutions to every problem I brought up, but the other half absolutely terrified.

Then I got to the heart of the matter. It’s not just that I’m terrified of another loss. I’m pretty much scared out of my wits to be a mom.

I mean, think about it. When we grow up, our little world is comprised of mother, father, and siblings. Everybody else is a supporting player. Our entire world, our comfort, our support, our belief system, our eating habits, everything (!) is shaped by our immediate family.

I am, hopefully soon but definitely eventually, going to become a foundation for a brand new immediate family. I, along with Shmerson will be the center of this child’s world. We will be responsible for feeding, clothing, love, support, upbringing – everything is in our hands.

Our parents, our brothers and sisters – once we have a child, they will become supporting players in our story.

The enormity of that responsibility hit me.

It’s not that I’m not ready for it. I am. I want it. But still:



On another note, after therapy, I went on to my usual appt. with the Harley Hottie, which was enlightening in itself, but I won’t go into it today. Then I head home to see a notification of a package. Curious, I head over to the post office.

And then I find out how much Marie rocks.  Not only did she send me chocolate just for the heck of it, she also remembered me randomly mentioning that I hate the smell garlic leaves on my hands and sent me this special metal-type thing that you use like soap to get rid of the garlic smell. And to make things even cooler – guess what kind of chocolate she sent me?

Well – I’ll let the crappy and blurry cell phone pic speak for itself (I really need a freakin’ iphone):

Yep - that reads "Mo's Bacon Bar"

Yes – bacon and chocolate. And my interwebs initials! My two favorite things together in a strange, yet surprisingly yummy combination, and named after me!!

Yay Marie!! You rock!



13 Responses to “Beyond Pregnancy”

  1. me0me March 30, 2011 at 22:43 #

    Oh my gaga does Marie rock! That is AWESOME!!!

    And I have to say that the enormity of what it means to be a parent (and an extra layer of whipped cream on what it means to be gay parents- just in terms of two male parents in our story, for one) has always been on my mind and has always deterred me from actually thinking about it in practical terms.
    Those who know me know that when I want something, I don’t dwell on it too much before I make a crazy elaborate plan of how to make it happen. Never happened with parenthood. I’ve never actually been able to empathize with how people decide to become parents. This isn’t judging- it’s just me observing myself, if you will. I mean, if people wouldn’t do it then there would be no more people, I mean I’m really glad my parents had me and Nir’s parents had him and Mo’s and Squish’s and Mr. Shmerson’s etc. etc.- but personally it’s SO overwhelming. /End rant.

    • me0me March 30, 2011 at 22:44 #

      Um, any chance you could save me a taste of that heavenly combo of a chocolate? (And ‘you funny me’ will be an acceptable response to that question)

      • mommyodyssey March 31, 2011 at 12:35 #

        Of course I will! And you funny me. 🙂

        • me0me March 31, 2011 at 23:00 #


  2. Kristin March 31, 2011 at 06:33 #

    Oh honey, anyone who tells you they aren’t terrified at the thought of becoming a parent is lying through their teeth or they are totally deluded. What you are feeling is totally and completely normal. I do remember thinking “What the hell have I gotten myself into” after one of my positives.

    And, can you tell Marie I want to be her friend too? I like chocolate and bacon.

    • Marie March 31, 2011 at 08:03 #

      Hahaha. We are friends (sort of). I mailed stuff to you once, too. Only, it didn’t contain chocolate or bacon, only fabric.

      • mommyodyssey March 31, 2011 at 12:35 #

        Kristin – You should sign up for choco buddy! Kira needs to be paired up!!! 🙂

  3. Kira March 31, 2011 at 07:10 #

    Thank you for your honesty. It is so refreshing. I get terrified sometimes, but since Scott tends towards the freak-outs I don’t feel like I can tell him. Because then he will say “oh well then we should wait…” Anywho… it is only natural we have fears about parenting. We want it, it’s exciting, but it is life changing. And that’s big. And in some ways unknown. And unknown = scary.

    On a side, that’s so cool you got that package. I’m still hoping for the day I get my email about getting a chocobuddy… hey people out there, sign up to be a chocobuddy! Go on, click on it, you know you wanna!

  4. Marie March 31, 2011 at 08:07 #

    Oh, I’m scared too. I’m actually scared of what would happen if I got married, started trying right away, and then got pregnant right away. (In previous confessions, I have referred to this series of events as The Plan.)

    I put off trying again because there were some concrete things that could make up a Better Situation. I think this is what you did too. Then you get to the Better Situation and realize, shit, you’re still not really ready. It’ll happen to me, too, sweets. I guarantee it.

    By the way, I get that rememberance of random mentionings and buying of related gifts gene from my mother. If I start clipping out articles and sending them to you en masse, please stop me.

    • mommyodyssey March 31, 2011 at 12:36 #

      That would be kind of funny though. Not sure if I want to stop you. 🙂

  5. bodegabliss March 31, 2011 at 18:09 #

    I already see the scariness in raising a step-daughter, and I would be lying if it hasn’t made me hesitate for a second about bringing another child into this world. But that’s usually what it is about me, I’m scared about not being able to control the world around us and his/her experiences in it. That’s what scares me the most.

    That and I might really mess him or her up. That’s a lot of pressure! But I’m too selfish to let that stop me from wanting a baby! Hahaha.

    (Gah, sorry I’m late to comment! Stupid job getting in the way of my blogging time!)

  6. Elphaba March 31, 2011 at 19:11 #

    Yah, I’m scared too. Who wouldn’t be? That’s a lot of freaking responsibility to take.

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