Things Not to Tell Me: BFP

29 Mar

Ok – since I need to find a way to make this week go by as quickly as humanly possible, I’ve decided to do a series of posts on how to deal with me in case of different outcomes in the next few months. Since I’ve been preparing myself mentally – it’s only right that I prepare you guys. First – the optimistic outcome – I get a BFP.

Please do not tell me, email me, or comment any of the following:

  1. “Sending you and your bean sticky baby dust!” or any derivation or combination of those words. First of all, it’s not my “bean”, it’s my baby, and if anything, it will be called mini-shmerson, and not anything legume-related. Second of all, doesn’t dust cancel out stickiness? I mean try it. Sprinkle some dust on the sticky side of scotch tape. Not so sticky anymore, right?  I generally find the whole concept of “baby dust” kind of stupid. Dust is something you choke on. I get the play of “fairy dust” and all that. Clever. Really. But even Peter Pan coughed when Tinkerbell sprinkled her dust, so I really don’t need any more potential hazards to the future mini-shmerson. Definitely not dust. Keep that. Thanks. (Oh – and this is despite the fact that I love faeries. I really do. But that’s faeries, with an “e”, as in the mythical kind, not the snarky Disney variety with an “i” and a “y” that sprinkle lethal dust. Ok. I think my point here is made.)
  2. ‘Now it’s up to God”. Ok – you’re religious. I get that. Really. Good for you. I, on the other hand am a heathen. At most, my regular readers will know I am occasionally a pastafarian, but only for satirical and lack-of-a-better-term purposes. It is not up to god. It’s up to me, and a bunch of chromosomes whether this baby sticks around or not. And if I lose this next one, I promise you, I will most likely find a way to blame myself and not some deity. So if this one sticks around, I will pat myself on the back and not some deity. Again, I really truly respect your beliefs. Now please respect mine (or my lack thereof).
  3. “I’m so Jealous!” Please don’t be jealous. A) It makes me feel guilty, and I will find any excuse to feel guilty. B) There is nothing to be jealous of. I will remind you again that for me, the battle is not the BFP, it’s remaining sane while hoping against all hope to make it past week 8 safely. We all have our own crap. Please don’t be jealous of mine. Although, on second thought, if you are, you are more than welcome to share that with me. Though really – you don’t have any logical reason to be. But we’re not really a logical species. So knock yourself out. I will feel guilty for making you feel this way, as usual.
  4. “Why are you ungrateful?” I’m not ungrateful. In fact, I’m immensely grateful that I have – thus far – been able to get pregnant rather easily. However, I cannot be thankful that for some reason none of these pregnancies have stuck and I could very well be facing more heartbreak and loss ahead. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. Losing my babies has been the most horrific and painful. Each BFP for me is not only the potential for life now, it is now the potential for me losing it completely and ending up in a fetal position in some mental hospital. Spaghetti Monster knows I’ve come close in the past. I do not want to add another tattoo to my collection. I’ve got enough scars already, thank you very much.
  5. “Don’t be stressed out”, “Relax”, “Don’t Worry” or other derivations. To quote Wayne Campbell: “Exsqueeze me? A-Baking-Powder?” How can I not be stressed out? Of course I’m going to be stressed out! Actually, the fact that you are telling me to “relax” makes me judgmental of my own stress, which makes me stress out some more, which – in turn may cause another miscarriage – which – again, may very well lead to me being in a fetal position for the next few years.

Here are some things you are more than welcome to tell me:

  1. “Your BFP makes me sad/bitter/other negative emotion” I know. I’m sorry. Trust me, I know how lucky I am.
  2. “Congrats! I hope this one sticks, and if not – I’m here for you.” I would love to hear that. That would be awesome.
  3. “OMG! I totally get why you’re scared out of your wits! I’m scared for you! This is a sucky situation to be in!” I know, right?
  4. “Doesn’t it suck for you that you can’t even enjoy your BFP?” I know, right? Totally.
  5. “Stop your freaking pity party”. I can try – but I probably won’t. I appreciate your feedback though.
  6. “You Suck!” I know! I really do! I am the queen of self-flagellation. Feel free to join my party.
  7. “You’re being smug”. Please, please please call me out on that. Especially if I get all “Earth-Mother” on you. Ick.

Ok – I think that’s basically it. Now it’s your turn – How do you want me to deal with YOU in case I get a bfp? For example – how would you like me to announce it if it happens? Comment away! Yay speculation!

20 Responses to “Things Not to Tell Me: BFP”

  1. bodegabliss March 29, 2011 at 22:45 #

    Ha! I’ve never thought about the dust/sticky thing!

    And I’ll be here for you no matter what. You know that, though. So just tell me either way!!

    • bodegabliss March 29, 2011 at 22:47 #

      Oh! Not that I ever said the sticky dust thing. It’s always kinda bugged me, too.

      Just wanted to clear that up.

      Carry on, Wayne.

  2. Jjiraffe March 29, 2011 at 22:50 #

    Thanks for this…I’m totally guilty of saying the sticky bean thing, and not only is it really twee, I totally get that it’s a baby, not a bean, because I’ve been there.

    It’s good to be reminded.

  3. me0me March 29, 2011 at 23:01 #

    Noted, noted, noted, and please don’t decide on self blame ahead of whatever cause it may have. Kthxbye

  4. Shmerson March 29, 2011 at 23:08 #

    2 things:

    A. i didn’t know one could be a pastafarian NOT in a satirical way.
    B. Mo calls me Shmerson. I call her Shmerson. So mini-shmerson is not after me, like Shmerson junior or anything. it’s after both of us. just saying.

  5. Kristin March 30, 2011 at 00:11 #

    No baby dust…Kym over at I’m a Smart One decided that Sparkly Rainbow Unicorn Farts were a much better thing to wish for.

    On another point, did you ever have your progesterone levels checked? I had a bunch of early miscarriages and my progesterone levels were off. Even without a doctors prescription, you can buy progesterone cream (used as a treatment for menopause) and using that enabled a friend with the same progesterone issues that I had to stay pregnant. Extra progesterone won’t hurt and it might help. It can be started as early as 3 days past ovulation.

  6. Kira March 30, 2011 at 04:50 #

    I’m not such a fan of such childish terms either, “baby dust” and such… and while I know why people use the term “baby dancing” why can’t we just call it “sex”? Or “intercourse” if you feel super technical. We are all adults here right?

    I think you should just post the news if you get a BFP, don’t beat around the bush. While I like watching movies and tv shows with a twist, red herring etc I think most people in the IF world are tired of people posting cryptic crap we have to sit and guess about. Although from what I have read of your blog you’re not much of cryptic poster so I don’t really see you doing that.

    On a random note – I respect your beliefs, but how do you feel when people offer to pray? Does that make you angry/bitter/twitchy? I pray for a lot of people (most of whom think I’m as good as talking to thin air) but I wouldn’t want to upset anyone when really it is meant kindly/supportively.

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 17:20 #

      Hi Kira,
      Thanks for being, well, awesome.
      I think offering to pray is just fine and dandy, because it’s like telling me I’m in your thoughts, or that you’re crossing your fingers, or whatever – in short it shows that you care, and I am all for showing that you care. 🙂
      My issue is with people giving me reasons for why things happen, that are not part of my belief system – hence my problem with “it’s all in god’s hands”.
      thanks again!

  7. Marie March 30, 2011 at 07:26 #


    There’s no good way to tell me about a BFP – not for you, not for anyone, not ever. So get it over with, and then send chocolate or something.

    And then let me to continue to rant and reside in my stuck place, and, as Court’s commenter put it so nicely, let me continue to “hate the wait.” My biggest fear with my friends getting pregnant is me losing my friends. I’ll post about this soon. Not tonight, but soon.

    Thank you for calling out “sticky bean baby dust.” And anything else asinine, really.

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 17:21 #

      I’ll make sure to put plenty of chocolate in the mail on the day I announce it.

      • Marie March 30, 2011 at 20:42 #

        I would say put liquor in the mail, but they don’t let you mail that. Maybe coffee?

        And don’t worry. Doug & I will “celebrate” for you like we did for Elphie.

  8. Erin March 30, 2011 at 08:26 #

    I’m so glad I found your blog. It’s a refreshing change, if ya know what I mean. Sometimes I read fertility blogs and think to myself: What in holy hell is this person even talking about? It’s like it’s written in another language. Anyway – Thank you!

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 17:22 #

      Aww wow. Thanks Erin! Just checked out your blog as well. Looks very cool!

  9. AK March 30, 2011 at 17:06 #

    I generally resist the urge to comment here (because um, I am not “up” on all things baby-making and would really prefer to stay that way for as long as possible), but really, sticky bean dust – WTF? People actually say that? THAT IS REDONKULOUS.

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 17:22 #

      I know! right?
      That’s why I’m all for Kristen’s Unicorn Farts – mentioned above.

  10. missohkay March 31, 2011 at 03:40 #

    I *really* hate the baby dust crap. I think you should announce your BFP in the trashiest way possible to give us all a laugh. Plus it’ll be lucky because trashy people always get to have babies with no trouble, right?

  11. Vicky March 31, 2011 at 13:32 #

    I love this post. Sticky beans and baby dust (I stopped ordering OPK’s from a place because they always sent me some…) make me a little ill. It amazes me what throw away comments people use in these situations.

    After my comment I’m all anxious about how to word “Congratulations, wishing you all the best” so just pay attention to the sentiment 🙂

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