Miss Conception

28 Mar

OK – So I wasn’t planning on posting about this. However, a rather weepy conversation with Squish today made me re-think that decision. I figured – hey – I may as well explain and expose my entire crazy to the world. Screw it.

So here we go:

My last two pregnancies, I felt the moment of conception. I know, I know. It’s impossible to feel that physically. I didn’t feel it physically. I just – “felt” it.

And each time, I looked over at Shmerson at that moment and told him – I’m pregnant. He was skeptical the first time. By the second time, he kind of believed that I may have a sixth sense about this.

So – on this last Wed, sometime in the afternoon, I find myself feeling a bit dizzy. I go downstairs to lie down for a bit. I close my eyes. And there it is – the feeling. I knew it. It was the moment sperm met egg. And it’s a girl.

I told Shmerson about it that night when he got home – and this time, he smiled – because he knew I’d never been wrong before.

But here’s the thing – ever since that moment – I’ve been, well, a bit nuts.

You can tell from my last two posts that I’m especially batshit over this TWW, and cracks in my (kind of)  balanced facade are showing already.

My TTC math is based completely on a “feeling”. I’m thinking, hey, technically I can probably start testing on thursday because conception happened on Wed. 8 days should do it, right? (wrong! must. wait. unti. april. 4th.)

I’ve lost the patch (don’t worry – it was the lowest dose anyway so I’m actually doing ok with that). I went to my ashtanga yoga class yesterday, and had a feeling that this kind of intense workout would be bad for the baby implanting, so I left the class early and decided to stick to low impact vinyasa until I feel differently.

I feel a tinge of guilt with every xanax I take.

I’m already acting like I’m preggo. Based on a “feeling”.

But you know what scares me? What if I’m wrong?

And even worse – what if I’m right?

I’ve been having this ongoing internal monologue. On one hand, freaking out, wondering whether I’m doing “the right things” since I’m obviously preggo – I mean, really, who needs to POAS when you have a “feeling” right?

On the other hand – completely scared of disappointment. Not just in the case that I’m wrong. Even if I’m right. Fear is starting to consume me, because I’m already attached.

I’m emotionally attached to an unconfirmed baby, that most likely hasn’t even implanted yet, and there’s a chance that it hasn’t even been conceived yet.

And apparently it’s a girl.

This is insane, right? I’m a complete nutjob. And I’m most likely wrong. And I’m already crying and attached and worried and scared out of my wits.

I hate this.

20 Responses to “Miss Conception”

  1. Puppy Maker March 28, 2011 at 18:19 #

    Happy thoughts….

    Love ya!

  2. me0me March 28, 2011 at 19:56 #

    I feel like at this point there’s no way for you to control your feelings. I say, let them be. Know logically that the facts may be different from them, acknowledge it, and be ok with your intuition and everything that follows it because that is who you are and you are great!
    Whatever happens, just accepting and loving yourself as you are right now is the best thing you can do. That is what I believe. ❤

    • me0me March 28, 2011 at 19:57 #

      Squish noted last week that when you make a heart on gmail chat it first looks like male genatalia; I think the 3 in the end of my comment here is eerily gonadish.

      • mommyodyssey March 29, 2011 at 00:16 #

        you funny me. 🙂

      • Squish March 29, 2011 at 03:05 #

        but one must want to see it. instructions: tilt head in a 90 degree angle to the left. now – LOOK

      • Cookie with Milk March 29, 2011 at 14:46 #


        Look! It's growing!

        Yeah, apparently I can't get pregnant because secretly I'm a fourteen-year-old boy. XD

  3. Kristin March 28, 2011 at 23:14 #

    You are NOT a nut job. Some people seem to have a 6th sense about some things and, this is apparently the area you specialize in. {{{Hugs}}} and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  4. Marie March 28, 2011 at 23:56 #

    Of course you’re completely nutso. It’s part of why we love you.

    I will tell you what I told Elphie: just no pregnancies at my wedding, k? Get it out of your system now and then wait to have the second one. Or hell, conceive on my wedding night, because that’s what I plan on doing 🙂

    • mommyodyssey March 29, 2011 at 00:18 #

      I’ll make sure to do that. But that means you’re gonna need to set a date at least 12 months in advance so we can get things sorted out. Deal? Deal. Oh! I still owe you a game plan! Yay distractions! I will get on that! Love you!

      • Marie March 29, 2011 at 00:48 #

        Sept. 1st, 2012. The date’s been set for like the last four years. Where have you been? 😉

        • mommyodyssey March 29, 2011 at 00:55 #

          Oh! right right right! It must be my imaginary preggo brain. 🙂

  5. missohkay March 29, 2011 at 02:39 #

    If it makes you feel better, my DH sees ghosts. Not with his eyes but like with his mind. So I totally believe you. Hang in there and just take it one freakout at a time. We’re here for you 🙂

  6. Cattiz J March 29, 2011 at 11:34 #

    I really hope you are pregnant. That would be kind of freaky but very cool to know from a ‘feeling’.

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 03:26 #

      wouldn’t it though? However the other option would totally suck.

  7. Cookie with Milk March 29, 2011 at 14:49 #

    Deeeeeep breath. Time will pass. That’s what it does. Just take it one day at a time, and you’ll get there. Okay, take it one hour at a time, and you’ll get there.

    *hugs* <== if you want them (and omg, another penis!)

    • mommyodyssey March 30, 2011 at 03:26 #

      You funny me. And I am always up for hugs (and fake virtual peni. ( Yes. I just called them peni.)


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    […] been pretty good this TWW. I don’t think I had “the feeling” this time (but considering past experience, that’s probably a good thing), but my […]

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